TW - was this rape? Or taking advantage?

[aureliala]

Last weekend I went on a (rare) night out and got far too drunk. Usually I don’t get into such a state but I could barely form a text message. I drunk texted my ex who I’ve recently broken up with and he was worried that I wouldn’t get home safe but my friend’s boyfriend gave me a lift back. My ex was parked outside mine when I was dropped off and he was fuming with me because I was so drunk and because I’d “ignored” him all day, until the texting.

I remember going into my house and the room spinning. I don’t remember taking my clothes off or many details of what happened. But he went from standing in my doorway saying that I shouldn’t have got into such a state, to then having sex with me. I remember being on top of him and him saying he was going to fuck me in the arse 🤦🏻‍♀️ (sorry tmi). I then remember him repeatedly fingering that, ahem, area which happened so fast I couldn’t stop it. I felt as though I was drifting in and out of sleep, but I remember kissing him and going down on him (whether he asked me to or not I really can’t remember). I was very aware that he didn’t have a condom and neither did I, so we stopped. I then remember laying on my side and him pushing his penis towards my bum and me not wanting it. I remember the pain and I remember him ejaculating. I also remember going to the bathroom afterwards and then falling asleep immediately after getting back into bed.

I woke up the next morning and he’d left for work. He was still sending me messages saying how annoyed he was that he’d not heard from me in days and then I drunk message him. But it didn’t stop him from having sex with me?

We broke up because we were arguing so much and he was borderline controlling and insecure.

And if that was my brother I'd tell him to go fuck himself. And that if he's done similar, he's a rapist too.

What a wanker.

It sounds more like he realised you would be vulnerable so he came round to take advantage of your situation. He's a pig and I hope you have nothing more to do with the vile creature.

I’m finding this thread very interesting. I don’t actually think it was rape unless you said no or indicated no. It’s a situation where you were one minute consensually kissing him and going down on him and then you can’t remember clearly what happened but unless I’ve misunderstood you don’t seem to be saying that you told him no or tried to stop him.

it’s clearly a situation where you didn’t actively say yes please have sex with me, but I don’t personally think drunken sex where you then regret it or wish it hadn’t happened is rape.

if it is then I’ve been raped on a number of occasions and I don’t consider this to be the case. I just think I’ve made some poor decisions and let myself get into a stupid drunken state.

I am sorry you’re upset. I don’t mean to make that worse by my comments, I’m just explaining how my view differs.

I would almost agree with this if both of them were drunk and neither was making well judged decisions. I know I've done that with men where we've both got really drunk and then had sex that we wouldn't have chosen to have it less inebriated.

That's not what this was, though.

He knew she was almost incapable drunk. He knew they had broken up and that she hadn't been replying to his texts while sober (and really, he had a nerve to complain about that given that her ex had no entitlement to her attention). He wasn't invited round. Why would he assume that was ok?

He was sober and she was so drunk he commented on it.

A decent man would have either not turned up at all or would have come round, made sure she was ok and then put her to bed.

Even if he was stupid enough to have taken her acquiescence as full consent, he then forced himself into her and hurt her while she drifted in and out of consciousness. He was sober. He must have known the state she was in.

He is not a decent man. He didn't have proper consent and he knew it.

That's offensive. Consensually kissing someone does not mean being anally penetrated moments later is probably just a natural unfolding of effects. That act would have required consent, either in the form of speech or enthusiastic participation which the op clearly didn't give.

I might have seen where you were coming from if it wasn't forceful, unusual for the relationship and unexpected. There was no understanding between them that this was part of their intimacy and yet he chose to introduce it at a time when he was angry with her and she was helpless. Let's not call that anything but coercion and violation ending in penetration-rape.

I’m not arguing about it, clearly the Op is upset and it’s not appropriate to turn it into an argumentative thread, but you will find if you re-read the OPs posts that she didn’t say it was forceful. she said she remembers that it hurt. The activity she is describing often hurts whether or not it is forceful.

I think the consent issue is blurred here due to the extreme drunkenness and the fact that they were clearly engaging in consensual sexual activity prior to the op then getting to the point where she doesn’t remember properly which makes it tricky but imo it wasn’t rape.

@user4750 she was so drunk he was worried she didn't get home OK and he was stone cold sober.

Just based on that her consent wasn't full.

Stone cold sober he saw an opportunity and took it. He's an out and out predator.

They may be able to if that's what you'd prefer. My friend recently won a he said/ she said case almost 3 decades after the fact. (from their time in grade school and they were the only witness.) We're in Canada though.

That was harsh and uncalled for. The sober guy took advantage of a person incapable of informed consent.

I'm finding the if she hadn't done this that or the other hard to comprehend. A man should be able to control himself. She gave him the idea that intercourse was on??. That's up there with she had a short skirt on, you know the rest.

So sorry your going through this OP, it was definitely rape as was the previous time. I would try contact rape crisis or Google to see if any local rape charity provision as you need professional support and guidance,

Other people opinions can be so harmful even unintentionally as often victim blame. With the tea analogy it's very clear but I think people like to reassure themselves that it won't happen to them or to accept your reality would also mean facing up to their own past experiences may actually be sexual assault/rape rather than some grey area consent box.

It's easy to end up more drunk than intended but people also end up spiked on nights out and would we also blame them, surely not!
The ex was sober and OP's drunk= unable to properly consent and he also knew she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him, even if she made the initial sexual advances he should reject and wait till she sobered up. However to me it seems ex went to OP's house not out of concern for her wellbeing but saw an opportunity to take advantage. He knows what he's doing isn't consensual, OP wasn't wanting anal but he carried on anyway.

Its depressing to see people still don't understand that if feel threatened there isn't just fight or flight, your subconscious brain can also opt to freeze ( play dead) or fawn (play along) and hope to escape unharmed, so you may not be able to vocalise a No/stop or get your arms to move because your brain has disassociated to reduce trauma but you wouldn't appear enthusiastic/involved either. Being coerced into sex is pretty common where they probably did say no, but were ground down till felt it will be easier to play along and get it over with quickly than deal with the consequences of refusing further.

All you rape apologists are abhorrent

For the really backward in thinking - a lack of a loud 'no' is not the same as consent.

Particularly when the lack of a no is because one party is only vaguely conscious.

Jesus.

You are so right. Some pp may as well use the archaic phrase, she was asking for it. Here's hoping the op does right for her and at her own pace.