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Original poster

How bad is this . . .

82 replies

onefinemess · 31/03/2023 10:23

I've done nothing for DH birthday.

He's 39 on Sunday, and I've literally done nothing. No idea why, been busy with work, but nothing out of the ordinary. I told him last night that I hadn't done/bought/arranged anything, and said "just tell me what you want and I'll get it". He didn't say much, just replied that he would have a think about it.

For context, last year for my 40th he arranged a surprise trip to Dublin (I love Ireland), four nights in a suite in a very expensive hotel, sightseeing, pubs, shopping etc. For Christmas he gave me a replacment engagment ring (mine has worn out after 11 years), I know it cost around 2k.

How bad is it that I've not got him anything?

I have in the past, just I'm not good with presents and I did mean to get him something, just sort of slipped my mind really.

I've messed up haven't I?

Is it really bad to just ask someone what they want rather than getting something myself?

OP posts:
Annoyingwurringnoise · 31/03/2023 11:37

Why did you open your trap? You could’ve got him something today or tomorrow and he’d have been none-the-wiser.

smizing · 31/03/2023 11:38

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 31/03/2023 10:30

It's not a big birthday.. Card. Meal. Shag.
Usually all a man wants.

😂😂

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 31/03/2023 11:39

Book a table at a restaurant he'd like. Get him some aftershave he'd wear, or a bottle of something he'd drink. It's really not difficult

Sillybollocks · 31/03/2023 11:40

Yes it's not very nice and sounded like you couldn't be arsed. Book a table, get a card, bottle of something, present if you can find it. Make or buy a cake. If no presents to be found then tickets to a festival/play/ concert/ match either this weekend or in the nearish future. You have time to do that. It's not a milestone birthday so you don't need to match his efforts exactly from last year but you should show willing.

HiddenGiraffes · 31/03/2023 11:42

It's very weird to say that to him rather than buy a present and book something before Sunday 🤨

Flamingolip · 31/03/2023 11:47

Is this a reverse? Because you didn’t have to tell him, his birthday is a couple of days away.. Could have arranged a nice meal/drinks and got a present.

blackpearwhitelilies · 31/03/2023 11:48

I don't think you can gauge it against what other people do. My husband and I would never buy each other trips abroad or £2000 jewellery. But you and your husband do. I think it's crap that he's thought so hard about you and that that is not reciprocated and in his position I'd be hurt if you don't do much. But you do have time to book an amazing holiday - why don't you just do that?

Willowtre1 · 31/03/2023 11:51

I don't get the point of the thread at all. There is no backstory to explain e.g. first time birthday together, you've never been treated on your birthday, you REALLY don't know what's normal. None of that applies. You just sound mean. I would get a bit of apathy if it was Valentine's day, but his birthday is the one special day a year that counts

rainbowstardrops · 31/03/2023 12:08

If he was a dick and didn't bother with presents for you then fair enough but he does. He sounds very thoughtful.
I agree, book a table somewhere, or make him a nice meal, bottle of wine etc and maybe a gift experience or something you know he'd enjoy.
I wouldn't be impress with you either

Sunsetandsmiles · 31/03/2023 12:15

If this was someone posting saying their husband/partner hadn’t organised anything for their birthday when they usually make a big effort for them that husband/partner would be getting called all sorts of selfish, dick etc there’s been recent posts on here for similar things.

There’s plenty of time for you to make an effort and organise something if you want to.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 31/03/2023 12:17

You've still time to arrange something - meal or day trip in your area and a gift.

Hallmark1234 · 31/03/2023 12:20

It's a bit tactless to tell him in advance you hadn't bought him anything. I can't understand why you would do that, as he probably feels a bit hurt now.

It's not that hard to make the effort and look online; you can usually go for express delivery, or go to the shops and wander around and get him something, so at least he knows you've made an effort. Then next year prepare in advance!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/03/2023 12:33

There's still time to book a weekend away, or a gig, theatre tickets or something he would like
Buy a cake, bottle of his favourite drink
Book a restaurant, experience Anything he would like
You can print off the booking confirmation and put it in his card
Considering the effort he makes, it is especially thoughtless to tell him you CBA

TheEverlovingFork · 31/03/2023 12:43

Another one who really doesn't understand the point of this thread if it's not a reverse. Because it reads like:

'My parter was super thoughtful on my birthday and I'm being shitty and indifferent about theirs, is that fine?'

Um, unless there's a backstory about how you don't understand reciprocity in interpersonal relationships, no it's not. Very, very obviously.

Yoyooo · 31/03/2023 12:43

Book a trip or tickets to a show, print and put in a card.

JeremyBearamy · 31/03/2023 12:51

Agree with pps who've said arrange to do something. My husband and I rarely buy actual presents for each other any more as we're lucky to be at a stage where we can afford to treat ourselves if we really want something. We usually go away for a night or have a really nice meal out somewhere instead, much nicer than a random present. And can be arranged very last minute!

Original poster
onefinemess · 31/03/2023 12:57

I told him because he was talking to his brother on the phone and I overheard him say words to the effect of

"well it's my birthday this weekend so we will probably be doing something, but I can help during the week".

I panicked and thought I'd better say that I hadn't planned anything. I'm my head I thought it sounded like I was saying

"I haven't forgotten, I am going to book something amazing as soon as I know what you would like to do"

Instead it looks like I just told him

"Can't be arsed, sorry love, here's some money, now off you pop and buy yourself something and stop bothering me"

I have never been great with presents, always got something but never actually CBA before.

No back story or drip feed, I've just been crap.

Thanks for the perspective.

I have some making up to do.

OP posts:
WeakTeaStrongMe · 31/03/2023 13:00

I’d be gutted not only if my partner did this, but if he deliberately told me in advance that he hadn’t bothered. That seems intentionally cruel.

My husband is rubbish at planning surprises and has the subtlety of a brick as he asks me and the kids for clues, but he tries.

there are so many things you could have done - organised a special night out, made him a voucher for something he would value down the line, even some beers, a cake and some flowers would have been nice - but to tell him in advance that you couldn’t be bothered is very sad, and cruel, and I’m not surprised he has gone silent on you.

MathsNervous · 31/03/2023 13:00

Buy a birthday card and book a brunch somewhere nice together.

DanceMonster · 31/03/2023 13:01

Weird question. You’re 40, so I assume in those 40 years you’ve realised it’s normal to buy your loved ones a birthday present or arrange some sort of celebration? Anyway you’ve still got today and tomorrow to get it sorted so no reason to beat yourself up. It’s pretty easy to book a restaurant and buy/order a gift.

ThreeRingCircus · 31/03/2023 13:06

WeakTeaStrongMe · 31/03/2023 13:00

I’d be gutted not only if my partner did this, but if he deliberately told me in advance that he hadn’t bothered. That seems intentionally cruel.

My husband is rubbish at planning surprises and has the subtlety of a brick as he asks me and the kids for clues, but he tries.

there are so many things you could have done - organised a special night out, made him a voucher for something he would value down the line, even some beers, a cake and some flowers would have been nice - but to tell him in advance that you couldn’t be bothered is very sad, and cruel, and I’m not surprised he has gone silent on you.

This is what I think too, I can't understand why you basically told him you couldn't be bothered sorting anything for his birthday? I'd be really upset in your DH's position, he's clearly at the bottom of your list of priorities.

It's not until Sunday, you could easily have booked a table at a restaurant and popped to town to buy him a card and some beer/chocolate/clothes/aftershave on Saturday and he need not have known you'd done it at the last minute. Instead you've basically told him "I couldn't be bothered to think about anything you might want and haven't sorted anything so you just tell me and I'll pay for it."

DueyCheatemAndHow · 31/03/2023 13:11

OK, so just... sort it? Get off your arse, stop messaging on mumsnet now you have your answer, and change it? Get on with it!

Thatladdo · 31/03/2023 13:13

Terrible.

Go and pack your bags 😉😆

Christmascracker0 · 31/03/2023 13:18

Most shops do next day delivery, so order something today and it will be with you tomorrow.

Pop out and get a cake / make one tomorrow.

Go out for nice brunch/lunch and a walk on Sunday.

Easy!

AbsolutelyNebulous · 31/03/2023 13:19

I’d be gutted not only if my partner did this, but if he deliberately told me in advance that he hadn’t bothered. That seems intentionally cruel.

Yeah it’s the telling him in advance that’s odd. Bad enough to get to his birthday and say I didn’t bother but this was “I haven’t bothered and I don’t intend to bother” which is pretty hurtful IMO.