Life 360 app - partner defensive about downloading?

[IamCuriousGeorge]

My sister recently told me about the life 360 app, where we can use a personal code to see where each other are, so tracking eachother. It appears to work pretty well and she is now on time out of the house when I pick her up for work .. because she can see how far away I am 😂

I mentioned the app to DP and asked if he would download it so I could see where he is - for context; he works quite far from home, and he often rings me when he’s on his way home to start dinner (because we like to eat as a family before kids go to bed) and sometimes I end up missing his call, then he misses mine, then he’s got no signal ect ect. So I suggested he should download the app, then I can see how far off home he is.
he also works very late some evenings and I’m a bit of a worry wort being home alone so I feel like I get a bit of comfort out of being able to see where he is essentially. I explained all this to DP and he immediately was defensive about downloading the app. At first he said he didn’t want to faff around downloading it, I said I could do it for him, he then said he didn’t want other people tracking him, I explained it’s a code that’s only shared from me too him so only I can see.

I mean, I know he can say no but it was the defensiveness that caught me off guard.

and as a huge plot twist (sorry) I recently found a ring in the house in the kitchen, and thought it might have been left by one of my friends; but I asked my friends, I asked my family and everyone I could think of and no one recognises it. I even put it down to possibly DD toddler maybe pinching it from nursery, I asked nurse us and they didn’t recognise it either but I assumed it must be someone’s that we know and kept it in the cupboard until figured out. We’ve never found out.

the defensiveness about me knowing where he is made the ring situation poo back into my head and now I just feel like I’ve lost a bit of trust.

he asked how I would feel if he wanted to know where I am all the time. But personally I don’t care, that’s fine - I’m either at home, at the shops or at work - I have nothing to hide. I feel like he does.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place as I get that I can’t demand to ‘track’ him all the time but equally.. why not when he’s only ever supposedly working, working late or at home?

I sort of wish I’d never asked, it was initially just a question and I didn’t think I’d mind if he said no. But his demeanour has made me mind 😩

This^.

Outside of the marital relationship there's a word for someone watching what you're doing. It's called stalking.

I'd also refuse to be tracked. No affair, nothing to hide, but I really value my privacy.

The lack of sharing data could be genuine however it's triggered your instinct/memory about the ring.

Forget about the tracker for now and focus on your instincts/fears..could be genuine or misplaced, I however tend to trust instincts as they have usually been right.

You have a few choices- speak to him or wait and watch..

You mention partner so assume you are unmarried? Are finances fairly balanced?

I have never cheated on anyone but I would absolutely never let someone track me like you want to. Under no circumstances would it be ok. I’d be very unhappy that they even suggested it.

It is weird and controlling to want to monitor someone’s movements. You don’t have to be up to anything untoward to object to being tracked and monitored.

I own an air tag. It lives on my keys and only I can track it. Its purpose is to track an object that I really don’t want to lose (and I am useless so I might lose them). I’d never put one on a person. And I’d be unhappy if someone wanted to use it to track me.

In your case, any suspicions you might have about the ring are separate. Monitoring his movements won’t solve that.

I wouldn't want to be tracked... but actually do mutually share my location on maps with my partner and teenager. It's useful for a myriad of reasons. The overarching one being that my partner and I are working as a team to keep our family safe and happy. We have a young child too and care is often switched between us, as are all the day to day things one does towards family and house. It's just a small useful tool. I guess we do track the teenager sometimes for good reason, but my partner and I don't feel tracked because we aren't suspicious or hiding anything.

Me and my husband use it, we have it for our children so we can make sure they are safe as we do lift shares, it has a crash detection too and the kids can also use it to see how far away we are when picking them up so they don’t bombard me with phone calls if I’ve hit traffic or running late!

We really aren’t bothered that we can see each other on it, nothing to hide and we don’t use it to check on each other.

I'd say no to this too, OP. Snapchat maps at least gives him the option to choose when he wants to share his location - I can see that being a compromise, although in reality I'd be saying no either way if DH asked to track where I was.

It doesn't have to be suspicious.

Goodness me. I'm quite insecure in relationships, and hate being apart, but even then I don't see the point of being sat there watching someone's movements???

I can understand his suggesting Snapchat as a middle ground to keep you happy – it's not an "excuse" as you call it. It's 1 thing intentionally sending someone a pinpoint of your location (eg Snapchat maps), and another thing knowing you're being surveilled all the time.

I put Life360 on my kids phones after I couldn't find my youngest one day (he was at school however his teacher had texted to ask why he wasn't in one morning, and I had kittens for about 13 long long minutes).

The kids can see me (at home; at the shops; at baby group) and I have considered whether DP would download but I do feel it's an invasion of privacy. I also know DP would probably say no too - not because they have something to hide, but because the time we do spend apart doesn't need monitoring.

I wouldn't be concerned about this. And I think the ring is a red herring! Possibly been there for years, just came loose recently.

Wow! How technology has invaded our lives! Imagine, some of us didn’t even have phoned and 99% of the time we got home fine! I would hate to be tracked and actually think if you are such an anxious person you might need to address that, rather than feed in to it. That’s not a normal way to live your life, in fear. ☹️

No I don't think her instincts are accurate as she thinks not wanting to be tracked is defensiveness (which she mentions separately from the ring bit a few times - eg "the defensiveness about me knowing where he is made the ring situation poo back into my head"), excuses, etc.

Seems to have severe relationship anxiety of some sort

I'm with your dh, I don't want to be tracked

Same. As a parent of two vulnerable young people, including one who has been known to lie about where they are, it’s been invaluable. I felt resistant to it initially, but we agreed as a family, and it’s really useful at times. In fact, it’s the only reason we were able to retrieve my eldest’s phone when she lost it in the city centre. Once the kids are able to be a bit safer and they are (hopefully) less vulnerable, we’ll get rid. The worst outcome for me, is when I walk into a shop and I get a call asking for additional sweets or snacks!

I can't see any issue with him not wanting the app. That doesn't mean he's cheating.

And the ring is completely irrelevant I feel. Why must it have been him or to do with him? Your DD could have picked it up anywhere? What did he say about it?

We have it on our phones, as dh is an HGV driver so can't text or call, and it simply lets me see how far away he is for putting dinner on . That's it. I never check it during the day but if it's getting later and I'm planning cooking something I'll see if he is an hour away or not likely to get back.
Also I go walking the dog in rural areas and I like to think that if I've fallen in a ditch and had a broken ankle he could find me, or alert someone else (once he's parked!)
No stalking agenda here , just a bit of safety for me!

We use this as a family, kids are adults but I fully get some folks hate the idea and see it as stalking, a few of my friends think it’s horrendous, so I’d not read anything into him not wishing it and you should respect his wishes.

the ring is a separate issue, things can be lost for years and then then turn up in obvious places being moved some how. I don’t get the whole dramatic “plot twist” other than you’re clearly trying to indicate he’s cheating on you.

so you seem not to trust your partner. I don’t know if this is because he has done something to make you behave like this or you have issues. Only you know. If you think he’s cheating deal with it and address it with him.

why not when he’s only ever supposedly working, working late or at home?

DH knows full well where I am 99.9% of the time at home, in the office, at the gym. If he were to ask where I was, I'd tell him. But it's the principle of tracking for me that makes it an absolute no: I value my privacy, and in an increasingly-'available' society I want as little intrusion by technology into my relationships as possible. I have my read receipts turned off on whatsapp for the same reason. It's intrusive and it creates an expectation that it's normal or expected or deserved to know where your partner (or friends, etc) are at all times, and that's a slippery slope - 30 years ago you couldn't get hold of most people all day because nobody had mobile phones, now it's expected that most people are available all day. 20 years ago people had mobiles but texts were still replied to when you felt like - now people feel entitled to see when you've read a whatsapp and expect a reply quickly. I refuse to let the expectation of being tracked become a thing, too. DH either trusts me or he doesn't, that's it.

I divorced my husband 26 years ago when there was no technology like this 360 app. He would have been horrified about the prospect of me knowing where he really was precisely because he was not working late, at a meeting in another office on his way home. He was shagging other women/ going to the pub at every opportunity . My current husband would have no problem with it. We have a tracker on our vw t6 camper because it's built into the heater and connected to our phones. He drives it a lot. I could see where he was if I wanted to. I have never felt the need to. My gut is peaceful. I have no anxiety about his behaviour. I didn't have a peaceful gut with my first husband. Neither do you Op. That's the most telling bit in your post

100% this.

I'm not agreeing to be stalked.

And definitely don't do the airtag, as one poster suggested, that would be a criminal offence. Imagine if a man posted that he was thinking of putting one in his wife's handbag or on her car, there would be (justifiable) uproar!

Its weird, creepy and invasive to track someone.

I don't agree with agree with tracking apps like Life 360. It normalises stalker type behaviour.

So not for my family or relationships. It'not healthy.

I wouldn't consent to having life360 or any other sort of tracking app on my phone.

thanks all, I’ve slept on it, read the comments here and everyone’s points are valid. To answer some questions:

toddler could have easily picked up the ring at nursery or the park. DP’s reaction to the ring had never been flaky or weird.

I could access DP’s phone, but I feel like after my wobble last night that would just insult him further. He’s never been suspicious with his phone; usually if mine died he’ll just chuck me his if I need to do something, he won’t bat an eyelid. I have no reason not to trust him to be honest.

sorry to the poster who called out my dramatic ‘plot twist’ with the ring - I didn’t meant to be dramatic I just added it in as if I’d mentioned it later I would be drop feeding; I guess I wrote it that way so my post would be more tolerable to read 😂 apologies!

As I said, I’ve slept on it now; I think my anxiety started to spiral when the conversation started and he said no.

I think I just expected him to be on board; and was trying to project my feelings and lack of care of being tracked into him? So when he said now I was taken aback. He offered the suggestion of Snapchat maps anyway, so I think if there was any guilty/suspicious behaviour he wouldn’t want the option of being tracked at all.

I can see now why he or anyone else wouldn’t want the potential of their every move tracked on the daily.

I would never be tracked by my partner.

And if they tried to accuse me of being unfaithful because I didn’t want to be tracked by them then I would 100% end the relationship.