Life 360 app - partner defensive about downloading?

[IamCuriousGeorge]

My sister recently told me about the life 360 app, where we can use a personal code to see where each other are, so tracking eachother. It appears to work pretty well and she is now on time out of the house when I pick her up for work .. because she can see how far away I am 😂

I mentioned the app to DP and asked if he would download it so I could see where he is - for context; he works quite far from home, and he often rings me when he’s on his way home to start dinner (because we like to eat as a family before kids go to bed) and sometimes I end up missing his call, then he misses mine, then he’s got no signal ect ect. So I suggested he should download the app, then I can see how far off home he is.
he also works very late some evenings and I’m a bit of a worry wort being home alone so I feel like I get a bit of comfort out of being able to see where he is essentially. I explained all this to DP and he immediately was defensive about downloading the app. At first he said he didn’t want to faff around downloading it, I said I could do it for him, he then said he didn’t want other people tracking him, I explained it’s a code that’s only shared from me too him so only I can see.

I mean, I know he can say no but it was the defensiveness that caught me off guard.

and as a huge plot twist (sorry) I recently found a ring in the house in the kitchen, and thought it might have been left by one of my friends; but I asked my friends, I asked my family and everyone I could think of and no one recognises it. I even put it down to possibly DD toddler maybe pinching it from nursery, I asked nurse us and they didn’t recognise it either but I assumed it must be someone’s that we know and kept it in the cupboard until figured out. We’ve never found out.

the defensiveness about me knowing where he is made the ring situation poo back into my head and now I just feel like I’ve lost a bit of trust.

he asked how I would feel if he wanted to know where I am all the time. But personally I don’t care, that’s fine - I’m either at home, at the shops or at work - I have nothing to hide. I feel like he does.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place as I get that I can’t demand to ‘track’ him all the time but equally.. why not when he’s only ever supposedly working, working late or at home?

I sort of wish I’d never asked, it was initially just a question and I didn’t think I’d mind if he said no. But his demeanour has made me mind 😩

Could you try wearing the ring ?
And perhaps popping an advert on social media re it being found if anyone has lost it ?

The ring thing doesn’t sound good at all.

Marital issues or not, there is absolutely no way I would agree to tracking. I think it's a very strange and intrusive request, even of a partner.

The ring could be a fluke. I found someone's car key fob in my bag once, and I live alone. Maybe it was on or in something that was carried into the house.

This.

How we have become so dependent on phone tech / apps in 15 years is frightening and depressing.

I use Find My on iPhone and have my husband along with some family and friends on there. I understand why some people don’t like it, and if someone’s doesn’t want to share with me or wants to stop sharing, then fine. I find it really useful and am happy to share my location. The difference is that you want him to share his location so you can use it to track his movements as you don’t trust him. I wouldn’t be happy with that and probably wouldn’t give you permission either. I also read about Life360 that it not only shares your current history, but all your locations over the last 24 hours which feels way more invasive to me than the iPhone’s version where you only see current location, and alerts (which you are notified of) if you enter or leave a specified location.

And don’t put an AirTag on him. If he has an iPhone he’ll be notified, and there are apps on android phones which flag an AirTag too. If you have so little trust in him that you feel the need to have constant access to his location, then maybe the relationship has run its course anyway.

If this is genuinely just about how long it takes him to get home from work, he can share his live location with you on WhatsApp for the tourney home.

We have Life360 and it works of us as a family.

My DS is often mountain biking alone in some remote area and my DP and I drive on remote roads.

We are all happy to have it and only use it if necessary.

Having been in an abusive relationship I can't bear the thought of someone 'expecting' me to be home immediately even if I am doing nothing wrong or tracking me. However, with the ring situation I would be very suspicious, it doesn't make sense. There are plenty of ways around tracking if he wanted too. Do you have access to his phone at all to see if there are any messages?

It will warn him. A pop up will appear on his phone, it’s designed to prevent people doing this.

I think Google locations is on, on my phone. I couldn't care less if technology tracks me or if my dh can see where I am, I've got nothing to hide and, aside from abusive relationships etc, I don't really understand why people care. We're all being tracked by our phones anyway.

Hhm tough one. I kind of get him not wanting to be tracked but it’s the ring story now that’s making it seem a bit more suspicious. Would you have the nerve / access to his phone to look through messages / WhatsApps?

Is he away a lot? Would he even have time to meet the ring lady / build up connection / sleep with her / invite her over to his wife’s marital home on the few hours she is out the house (mental when you think of it like that!)

We use find my friends on iphone. Have done for years.

It’s come in handy twice when ds (20) broke down in a rural location and needed help - just clicked on him and got directions right to him.

No one in my family cares. I like it if I have been out running errands for my elderly relative at the weekend and I arrive home to a fresh cup of tea as dh saw I was leaving the care home.

I have childhood anxiety about people leaving and dying, so my husband has it on for my own sanity. We turned it off for a year and then he came home from football half hour late uncontactable. I had such a panic attack, crying, thinking he's had a car accident on the road, in the nearby hospital pretty much dead. I was shaken for so long still after he was back we decided for us that's the best decision and since then, I can just see... oh he's still here, all good. You need to work out in your relationship what's best, for us this is the best decision and I wouldn't care what anyone on mumsnet thinks about it because this is between me and my husband.

I think the ring probably was brought in by your toddler, either from nursery and they didn't know whose it waa (as presumably they won't have contacted everyone who'd ever been in the building to check) or picked up in the park/on the street. The alternative is that your husband brought someone to your house for an affair, the ring somehow fell off in the middle of the kitchen without either of them noticing, your husband still didn't notice it later after she'd gone, and he managed to stay completely unflustered when you asked about it. It just doesn't seem that plausible, unless you have other reasons not to trust him.

The ring is suspicious though.

You sure your toddler didn’t pick it up in the park? I found a bracelet in my two year olds pocket once. Coat had come out of the washing machine that morning, empty pockets. When we got home from soft play and the park this afternoon, she produced a bracelet from her pocket.

I have no trust issues though, neither does he. Our marriage is harmonious and happy, so for me it's not about actually worrying where he is but worrying that he might die (and yes, my head is not a place you want to be in). Reading my own story, I should probably have a chat with a psychologist about this but I don't think it'll ever go away, it's just how to manage the situation better when it arises.

It reads like you expected him to do this which isn't really fair. People have the right to not be tracked. But I agree his reluctance plus the ring would concern me. Not sure what you can do . Do you trust him? You can ask if you have anything to be concerned about. You could plan to be out for a long period and turn up early.

Yes. The ring could have come from a child/parent at the nursery, not just staff.

I understand.

My ds rides a motorcycle, so for me, I like to check that he’s got to work safely. Or if my husband has taken one of the younger children somewhere, I like to be able to see they have arrived.

My head is a terrible place to be too, full of death and danger, I get it!

Find my friends helps sooth that anxiety and means that I am not waiting on tender hooks for texts or badgering my family to call me to tell me they have got somewhere safely and being a ball of anxiety until I hear from them.

It actually helps me be a calmer person.

The one man I know who refused point blank to having findmyiphone on was indeed having numerous affairs.

Unless he presented a coherent anti-tracking generally concern (like other posters here, which I respect) that would be a concern for me. That alongside his working patterns which give ample opportunity to see someone. As did the two hour window when the ring appeared …

Believe me - the married dating sites are chock full of men. They have to belong to SOMEONE.

I'm not having an affair, or keeping secrets, or going anywhere I shouldn't be, but my partner could get to fuck if she asked me to add a tracking app on my phone.

It's just a privacy thing and would creep me right out!

Can you imagine advising a bloke to do this? It’s abusive.

Please don’t OP.

Lots of people don’t want to be tracked, it’s invasive.

The ring may not be significant. I once found a large and distinctive bracelet in my house. Despite trying to return it to every friend or family member who’d visited or stayed in the previous 6 months, nobody ever claimed it. (And before I inadvertently derail the thread, no, my DH was 100% definitely not shagging anyone and was as baffled as I was.) Could have been my magpie toddler, could have been another child.

I understand why your husband doesn’t want to be tracked - I’d hate it. I also understand why his defensiveness has spooked you, but if he’s never given you any other reason to worry, you need to ask yourself why you’re spiralling about this.

Being a ‘worry wort’ is not the same as questioning the very foundation of your marriage and your trust in your partner. Do you actually have a subconscious instinct that something’s not quite right, which is why you’ve suggested this in the first place?

Invasive, not to mention illegal.

How can you secretly track someone on life 360
the bloody thing pings constantly !