Do you ever feel like you're not a nice person?

[losenotloose]

I don't treat people badly and I'm considerate but I'm also judgemental, harsh and can be negative. I have some horrible habits which seem to be getting worse with age (being overly critical of people behind their backs). I'm determined to work on it as I don't like myself very much at the moment and feel terrible that my dc have seen this side of me.

It would be nice to hear other people are flawed and not just me!

I'm very self centred and can be quite selfish as a result.
I'm quite happy for someone else to be inconvenienced rather than me. I also care more about my problems than others. I almost have to pretend to care when other people talk about their issues. Their issues don't directly affect me so I find it hard to sympathise.

I'm not proud of these things really, but I'm a very insecure person and don't think very much of myself, so it probably drives alot of these behaviours.
I'm working on it.

I wouldn’t be friends with me. However I’d be the first person someone calls when their back is against the wall and they’re in trouble. I’m not around much at all, but I’m always there when it’s needed, if you know what I mean.

I can relate to this. I can be a proper cow about people, but it stops them walking all over me. Can't win

But realistically you can’t care about everyone and everything or you would drown in the sorrows of the world.

My philosophy is to care and support those I love and be pleasant and polite to others, but not necessarily go out of my way to help them.

Ironically, just today I was thinking, I am completely out of sympathy for parenting woes and just feel like saying "well you chose to have them". This was brought on my a neighbour complaining about taking DC to a party today.

yes, I know I just posted that on MN.

? We are human. We of course are going to be a little bit bad? A little bit good and everything else in between.

Having said that I have erred towards the bad recently but I dont think sugar coating people is a good thing to do sometimes with children.

Sometimes they need (age appropriate of course) to know that we are all animals and they need to protected themselves

Hi OP

I too feel this way about myself. I work in an incredibly caring role, and will always go out of my remit to help someone. I have also done this most of my personal life too, a perpetual people pleaser. I have been consistently taken advantage of, I have scaled so much back. I never ever feel good enough.

I tick all the 'low self esteem' test boxes, and I'm very insecure. If you met me or asked people who knew me (not really close people) they would say I'm confident and quite possibly gregarious, also been described as vivacious! Certainly not a wallflower. There is part of me who is that person, then I will recount all of my gregarious/confident conversations and pick them over with a fine tooth comb

I constantly compare myself, I'm never good enough, I don't begrudge people having 'stuff' good luck to them, but I would like some for myself, I'm sure that's what most people do.

I can 'gossip' and I've said some horrible stuff over the years, and it's all because of the way I feel about myself, so I kind of feel exonerated!

Have you looked at the 'inner child' work OP? A lot of this stems from childhood, it might be worth looking into.

Lastly, if you weren't a nice person, you wouldn't be here acknowledging your problems, so take comfort in that

I'd say I am cynical and a misanthrope in my middle age. I am a bit fed up of human beings.

Op. We all do this. People that are kind are actually not kind at all. They’re fake. We all bitch about people behind their backs NO ONE IS PERFECT. We are all flawed but the difference is knowing your flaws and working on them. Most people don’t care. People that say they do are full of shit. I am flawed and that’s ok.

I’m not nice. Never have been. But I’m a different kind of not nice now. I never used to be so negative but I was a lot more thoughtless and ruthless. Now I’m better in those ways but just jaded, pessimistic and sometimes snappy. I am, however, good-hearted about the important things and loyal - to a fault, frankly.

I do feel that I was dealt a difficult hand in some ways and I’ve been let down by a lot of people who I thought would never let me down. I have also found my ADHD crippling these past 3 years. Not to say any of this is an excuse as there are people who’ve dealt with much, much worse but life has broken me over time and - despite looking like I have my shit together and seeming confident, etc - I’m very depressed. I hate myself and my life these days which isn’t conducive to being a nicer, kinder person.

I’m sure you aren’t as bad as you think you are. I’m probably not either. We can only try to be better and give ourselves some grace. Let me know if you have any success and can me teach me!

I can relate to what you're saying. I'm a people pleaser, and find certain people really draining to be around, so I have become quite anti-social and make excuses not to see them, particularly at short notice. I feel awful for it but I need the distance and time to prepare myself and time to decompress and get over the overwhelm afterwards. I just find people exhausting, I hate lying and making exudes but sometimes I just can't face it. I'm also getting less tolerant and less patient as I get older.

I want to be nicer.

I notice myself being negative a lot at the moment and i'm hoping when I changed jobs next month I can have an attitude overhaul too.
I don't think working in office jobs for the last 13 years has helped, i'm so sick of fake people and ass kissers (you know, the ones that go HAHAHAA when someone has said a crap joke) that i've gone the opposite way and can't even fake amusement now.

I had a strange upbringing that left me with very low (zero) self-worth. I have had the counselling, shedloads of it! Most of what worked, though, you could get from a self-help book. It's all about changing habits, so repetition. If I slag myself off (out loud or in my head), I counter myself straight away.

I noticed that my negativity about other people was almost a mirror of my negativity about myself - but not always. So, for me, I might think someone's pathetically 'over-emotional'. Well, over-emotional is one of the things I've been unfairly criticised for all my life, and I now realise that 'emotional' is not a bad thing at all. So is this person expressing reasonable emotions, or are they making a three-act opera out of it? If reasonable, I'll give them the same credit I've learned to give myself. If not, I might take the trouble to think about why they need to emote all that much ... or I might just stop paying attention. Either way, it has nothing to do with "being nice" to them. It's all about giving myself due credit

But some people just are total bastards, greedy fuckers, certifiable loons, incessant whingers, thieves, racists, misogynists & so on. The great thing about having a healthy dialogue with my inner critic is that [a] I'm pretty confident that my (real) negative judgements are valid, and [b] I'm now fully aware that I have no duty to try and fix fucked-up people.

The only person you REALLY need to be "nice" to is yourself!

Working on your self-esteem with a therapist could help op, if you do want to change. Maybe you can enlist your dh to support you so he doesn’t join in or answer when you do start bitching about someone although that could cause more conflict with him.

I would say I’m a kind person but I do keep people at arms length to a degree. Also I cut people off if they’re disloyal to me, and once we’re done then we’re done. I don’t give anyone a second chance to cheat or talk about me behind my back or whatever it was.

This is definitely true for me. Negativity definitely breeds negativity.

I find it interesting that so many people on this thread claim to be happy how they are, but at the same time, they can't help but shit on other people.

Genuinely happy people don't need to make snide remarks about other people's personalities 🤷‍♀️

Yeah I agree that I'm quite surprised how many people admit to being really quite horrible, but see no issue with it. Surely even being neutral would be something to aim for? You can stop short of sainthood. I also really don't agree that everyone who is nice or kind is faking it. I don't think I'm especially nice because I don't volunteer at food banks or visit the needy or any of that stuff but I know people who do and mostly they're not fake at all, they're just genuinely nicer than me. They tend to have faith that they can change the world, which you could call naively optimistic, but not fake.

I have to have my inside voice turned to low most of the time these days.
I dislike most people, especially on the morning bus!!

I suppose one thing you have to consider is what "being nice" really means. If you generally act in a kind, respectful way, who cares if you think something bad? Who cares if you complain to someone else later (within reason - assuming it's not done in such a way that they would find out).

Being nice is an action, sometimes it's acting in a way you don't feel like but you know it's the right thing to do. It's not about being perfect even down to your thoughts.

I think you sound great! You’re very funny and clearly not afraid to have an opinion. Yet the fact that you’re aware of your flaws probably makes you x100 times a better person than oh so many out there.

@BillyNoM8s , ‘I’m a right mardy mare and I hate everyone.’

😂😂😂

One of my favourite short stories is the story of Idris and Timur in Khalid Hosseini’s And the Mountains Echoed. A great story about nice people who say all the right things versus people who are boorish and politically incorrect. But do actions match words?
It really made me think about myself as I uncomfortably recognised myself in the “nice” character.

I'm going to have a look at your story @Nooyoiknooyoik I like the sound of that.

I'm polite to a fault to everyone, no exceptions so some might think I'm nice. Though I can also be passive aggressive, even unintentionally, and my husband (ex husband almost) says polite but cutting. I would keep negative opinions to myself but have to watch that I'm not too blunt.
I don't think I'm 'nice' as I'm not one of those people who gushes or comes across as fake, as I often think they do. I am critical about some people behind their back but it's people I care for but dislike their behaviour. I have friends I've never been critical of, but only a few. I'm actually very loyal underneath. Like some pps I'm of the age now where I'm intolerant of poor behaviour and consequently only like a few people.

Yes but I don’t care.
Being nice isn’t something I aspire to. I prefer to live my life by “don’t be a Dick”

I would say I’m a kind person but I do keep people at arms length to a degree. Also I cut people off if they’re disloyal to me, and once we’re done then we’re done. I don’t give anyone a second chance to cheat or talk about me behind my back or whatever it was.

I do the same @Shoxfordian

Though there are instances where I can't cut them off entirely, do cut contact down to minimum and keep them at arms length.

I drive like a total wanker