Page 2 | Do you ever feel like you're not a nice person?

losenotloose · 2023-03-26T14:08:01+00:00

I don't treat people badly and I'm considerate but I'm also judgemental, harsh and can be negative. I have some horrible habits which seem to be getting worse with age (being overly critical of people behind their backs). I'm determined to work on it as I don't like myself very much at the moment and feel terrible that my dc have seen this side of me. It would be nice to hear other people are flawed and not just me!

WhoWants2Know · 26/03/2023 16:49

I don't think being nice is necessarily a virtue. The idea that we (women especially) should consider the feelings of others and make accommodations to avoid hurting anyone serves employers and society better than it serves the individual.

People who don't give a shit about others are often the same people who get ahead in life because they don't care who they step on on their way.

I definitely have a tendency to be passive aggressive at work, becoming irritated by something and then complaining instead of dealing with it confidently. I &need to get better with stating my case without turning it into a Barney in the office

GraysPapaya · 26/03/2023 16:49

I think I’m a nicer person now, as I’ve got older.

I find the less I gossip and judge, the happier I am! Our thoughts really shape us, as do nasty words… since I’ve started doing it less I’m so much happier. There’s several studies about the detrimental effects of judging and bitching about people.

We moved to a new area and I’ve made lovely friends, they’re less judgemental than some of my old ones and I’m so much happier! These friends are not gossips, so even if I were to start, they wouldn’t join in.

Just try and let people live their lives, try and be happy for them, and appreciate what you have. You’ll be happier in the long run.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 26/03/2023 16:54

I do talk about people behind their backs yes - but not to all and sundry. Insofar as I might say to my husband 'Linda's driving me mad, I don't understand why she won't look for another job, all she does is moan on and on about how much she hates the one she has' but to Linda I would be as supportive as possible and try and help her look for a new job, listen to her moaning and sympathise with her complaints.

My internal monologue hasn't changed throughout either conversation, but I understand the social contract well enough to know that bitching to my husband about it is acceptable and saying to my friend ' Christ, Linda, shit or get off the pot already!' really isn't.

What I wouldn't do is say to a random person on the bus ' bloody hell my friend's a right moany bitch'

longestlurkerever · 26/03/2023 16:56

I don't think I'm particularly harsh or judgmental because I genuinely don't give all that much thought to other people and their life choices. I really find it surprising the strength of feeling on here about other people's diets, clothing, relationship choices or whatever as I tend to be pretty live and let love, but I don't think that makes me especially nice. I think I'm ultimately quite selfish, at least compared to genuinely nice people who spend a lot of time thinking about how to make other people's lives better and putting time into it. I'm also nowhere near as considerate as many people on here claim to be, but then I am probably quite tolerant of other people's lack of consideration so I "do as I would be done by". I think I'm comfortable with that balance tbh but sometimes I do wonder if I should be more generous.

BillyNoM8s · 26/03/2023 16:58

You sound about as horrible as me I'm a right mardy mare and I hate everyone. But I am not a nasty person. If that makes sense.

The older I get the less patience I have for bullshit and the more likely I am to say something. I hate making small talk. I hate having to fake enthusiasm to new employees where I work. But if you're in a bind, chances are I'll help you out.

longestlurkerever · 26/03/2023 17:04

I'm also not wholly convinced by the idea that "niceness" is such a terrible thing. I know it's popular now to say women are socialised into being kind to their detriment, and I can definitely see the truth in that, but I'm not sure it follows that doing the opposite makes you happier. There are lots of studies that suggest being kind is actually good for your own wellbeing - presumably that's evolutionary as it also helps the species.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 26/03/2023 17:05

I've got a nasty streak. I can be petty, vindictive (so, so vindictive, I have to work to rein that in) and selfish. I'm physically lazy and a glutton. I am definitely a big old judgey pants on some issues and I practice cursing those I hate.

(Doesn't work, mind. Boris Johnson's penis hasn't fallen off as far as I know and Nigel Farage seems remarkably free of leprosy despite my best efforts.)

I'm also compassionate, empathetic, thoughtful, practically and emotionally supportive, creative, community-minded, thorough, and generous with my stuff, my time and my skills.

Mixed bag, like all of us, I think.

Brownflowers · 26/03/2023 17:08

I am nice, which isn’t the same as being perfect! I can be a pushover, people do sometimes irritate me and I do sometimes have fleeting feelings of being smug, shocked, judgey.

But on the whole, I’m extremely compassionate, understanding and fair. I like me

Hbh17 · 26/03/2023 17:08

I'm definitely not "a nice person" and neither are most people. I don't think we would want to be people-pleasing, passive, sentimental and unimaginative..... these are the words that spring to mind when I think of "a nice person".
Just enjoy being who you are, warts and all!

Upallnightfeeding · 26/03/2023 17:09

I have this feeling that I should be ‘nice’ all the time and that if I have any other negative feelings that makes me a bad person. But this isn’t normal, I need to allow myself to not feel bad just because I’m not happy with something. I don’t know where the line is between standing up for yourself and just being a horrible person. Answer is probably therapy lol.

Anyfeckinusername · 26/03/2023 17:29

I feel guilty if this too.
I can be nice but I just can't sustain it. I can SEE when someone needs help but I get too exhausted to go that extra mile.
I don't think I'm a particularly nice person since I turned into my 40s. I feel I properly "grew up" and I started putting myself in the centre. And while doing it I've also lost some compassion. I can't say I like myself for it.

longestlurkerever · 26/03/2023 17:36

Hbh17 · 26/03/2023 17:08

I'm definitely not "a nice person" and neither are most people. I don't think we would want to be people-pleasing, passive, sentimental and unimaginative..... these are the words that spring to mind when I think of "a nice person".
Just enjoy being who you are, warts and all!

This is where I think the anti-niceness has gone too far. I think the OP and PPs are right to o recognise that "Overly critical, judgmental, harsh, vindictive, jealous" are not great ways to be, and can be worked on, without turning into some insipid people pleaser.

2022again · 26/03/2023 17:43

Thank u OP for starting this as I’m struggling with this at the mo….since going into peri/menopause in my 40’s I just feel horrible-minded and lacking in compassion a lot of the time so nice to think I am not alone! I don’t know if it’s also a post Covid effect as the world feels very different but it may just because my hormones are so out of whack and I might regain some compassion as I get through this phase!

Liuckle · 26/03/2023 17:46

Psychopaths 1 in 25 people are think some are on this thread 😐

neilyoungismyhero · 26/03/2023 17:47

In real life certainly. On here, not so much. I try not to post what I really think about some of the posters. I find it hard to empathise with the surprise babies, the husbands who have never changed etc. Etc. I know people deserve help support and sympathy but I just think what were you thinking?? Maybe I need to work on myself.

frozendaisy · 26/03/2023 18:40

Nice people are not wet doormats
Well not all of them
We know some "nice" people and they are brilliant. Intelligent, fun, have great stories.

But we like people they are fascinating. The good and the bad and the everything in-between.

Do you ever not get caught off guard having a relatively seemingly normal conversation and one comment has you howling with laughter and then giggling for days? Just random from someone you don't know that well.

But we like "nice" people.

Choconut · 26/03/2023 18:49

People who behave like this often aren't very happy themselves. Perhaps you need to think about how you can make your life happier and then you will find you become nicer as a result (and if not at least you've done a load of things that make you happy!).

LadyOfTheCanyon · 26/03/2023 19:11

Liuckle · 26/03/2023 17:46

Psychopaths 1 in 25 people are think some are on this thread 😐

Oh give over.

Tekkentime · 26/03/2023 19:50

I always want to be nice and I was very nice when I was younger, but I think life has jaded me. I know that's not right or fair, but then 99% of the time I don't go out my way to be nasty either. I'm just neutral now.

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 19:56

Choconut · 26/03/2023 18:49

People who behave like this often aren't very happy themselves. Perhaps you need to think about how you can make your life happier and then you will find you become nicer as a result (and if not at least you've done a load of things that make you happy!).

I agree, it’s generally unhappiness in your own situation that makes someone behave like this. The fact the op admitted to envy validates it, as envy is nearly always rooted in a negative feeling about the persons own situation

of course some folks are just horrible but I think for most it’s about a deep seated unhappiness.

mackthepony · 26/03/2023 19:57

I am how you describe, op.

I know I moan endlessly to DH, I try not to. I find it hard not to bitch about people.

And I've noticed a lot of the time that the friendships I have are all take and no give. I just CBA listening to people's problems anymore when they won't hear mine!!

Original poster

losenotloose · 26/03/2023 20:50

I don't know, life is complicated. I'm actually very caring in real life, and definitely have empathy. In my job I will go the extra mile to help people. But I also have opinions about every one. The envy thing I definitely think comes from insecurity. I have terrible low self esteem and basically feel like everyone is better than me and embarrassed about who I am.

I had a very strange upbringing so always felt/feel like I don't quite fit in. I need counseling!

OP posts:

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 26/03/2023 21:05

Aside from sometimes not letting people in in a traffic queue, I’m pretty nice. I’m actually annoyingly nice and I can’t help it. The traffic thing is my one “you can’t be nice all the time to everyone”

having said that, if I hold the door open for you and you don’t say thank you I am going to make a joke out of how rude you are - it takes no time and costs nothing to say thank you.

I was bullied really badly when I was younger and both my home and school life was utter shit so the idea of making someone else miserable doesn’t sit well with me at all.

Newpuppymummy · 26/03/2023 21:09

I can be very judgey and this has got worse as I’ve got older. I try and keep my opinions to myself though

user1471453601 · 26/03/2023 21:27

I'm not sure it's possible to always be a kind and thoughtful person. What I can do is to always try.

I sometimes fail, but I always try. Sometimes I'm in pain and that can make me self absorbed and sometimes not very nice.

When I'm like that, I try (don't always succeed) to aploagise/explaine.

I think the best I can do is to always try. 100% success not guaranteed.