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Original poster

Mothers day when you have a difficult relationship with your own mother

29 replies

Workyticket · 19/03/2023 11:53

Mine has always been quietly manipulative but I took a step back after she decided my Covid wedding hadn't been good enough for her (the straw that broke the camel's back - whole thread on here which I'll try to find)

Things are painful. I still see her once or twice a week as she has ds for us but our relationship will never be the same

I always made a fuss on mothers day (I have 2 brothers , they're both shit) and her birthday etc and the guilt I feel about not doing so is hideous

I have flowers and a card (it was very hard to choose a card, I didn't want one with 'amazing mum' on) that I need to drop round before I go out for lunch today.

The visit will be quick but painful.

Not sure why I'm writing this but solidarity to anyone else with a difficult relationship with their own mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 19/03/2023 11:55

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4317256-Dragged-into-parents-row-again

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 11:57

Yes. I search for cards that don't have schmaltzy 'best mum in the world' verses.
It is hard. Hard for them as well, I think.

Original poster
Workyticket · 19/03/2023 12:16

@picklemewalnuts I think so too. Mine had a difficult childhood, which I feel for her about, but thinks I can and should fix that for her

I've tried. I can't.

OP posts:

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picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 12:29

Absolutely. And the last thing I would want is to inflict my pain on my DC.

saraclara · 19/03/2023 12:35

I have to spend ages to find a mothers day card that isn't affectionate or soppy. Just one that says Happy Mother's Day (or rather Happy Mothering Sunday as my mum is a pedant) with nothing written inside.

Fortunately my mum lives two hours away. I don't visit on the day.

hotfairballoon · 19/03/2023 12:59

Hi 👋🏻 I'm having a very hard day myself. My mum (and whole family) broke contact with me nearly a year ago. I was never told the reason despite my asking and wanting to sort out. It was ultimately done in narcissistic rage in response to me setting boundaries. I remember last year was very tricky picking a card because like you all have mentioned, it's incredibly hard to find a card that doesn't say amazing mum. This year I suppose at least I don't have to worry about that. I've been crying all morning. I have children of my own but my husband isn't well so nothings been done for me. I suppose that can't be helped but means there's no distraction to take my mind off not having any family on my side. Trying not to wallow, but ultimately I am. A lot. Swollen eyes trying to build up to going downstairs and explaining away why I've clearly been crying (actually they might not notice anyway to be honest lol)
Love to all. It can be tricky. Know that I'm luckier than most btw x

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 19/03/2023 13:33

My mums dead. My first mother's day without her. And I don't miss her.
She was the woman who was never there for me, from not buying me sanitary products as a teen, turning a blind eye when she saw my boyfriend hit me, to not saying anything when I had a MMC
she tried to be a better grandmother to my daughter, and I would acknowledge that on mother's day, but agree it is hard when you see shelves full of 'worlds best mum' cards and people gushing on social media

Gin for all those finding today difficult

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 19/03/2023 13:46

I went NC two years ago and it’s glorious. I mean it’s sad because she was so utterly utterly shit but my mental health is better for it.

Hbh17 · 19/03/2023 13:47

It's awful that there is this false narrative that all mothers are wonderful and saintly. Mothers are people. And, like all other people, some mothers are great and some are not - the ones that we don't like are just best avoided.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/03/2023 14:34

Mother's Day cards are bloody awful if it's not a gushing instagram relationship.

Why's it so hard to do a range of cards with interesting pictures and a simple "happy mother's day"? My relationships aren't terrible, but "thanks for everything you do for me" can be pretty laughable. I'll do some duty phone calls later. It is inevitably me that rings... unless there's an agenda...

Hobnobswantshernameback · 19/03/2023 14:40

Non contact with mine for a decade
The right decision but there's always an odd ache on a day like today.
Jus wanted a normal decent straightforward parent.
Apparently that's too much to ask for.

Silentbarking · 19/03/2023 14:44

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 11:57

Yes. I search for cards that don't have schmaltzy 'best mum in the world' verses.
It is hard. Hard for them as well, I think.

Same here. It took so much longer to pick a card that didn’t lie about how much I cared or how thankful I was. Finding ones without love in the verse was practically impossible.

Always4Brenner · 19/03/2023 14:45

I do not moan my mother she dumped me at eight then I only saw her once in my late teens then at 22, no contact ever again. I went NC with the rest of the family fathers side 16 years ago . Feel weird though no Mother’s Day card to ex in-laws they were the parents I never had till last September. Cut off so they’re NC now.

callthataspade · 19/03/2023 14:50

Flowers for everyone

I can't imagine how hard this day is. And to have it rammed down your throat about all mothers being deserving etc

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 19/03/2023 14:59

It is tricky…. Sending 🌻🌷 to everyone for whom today is difficult. My Mum is distant which upsets me at times but I cannot change her - it’s her choice.

Walkingintothedark · 19/03/2023 15:03

Yes difficult day. I do the usual photo, one she's chosen in advance (she's so vain, she freaked out one year when I posted a really lovely one of her) so I use pics from her profile or ones she's sent....coincidentally she sent 3, 2 days ago as an oops I forgot to send these to you message...obviously forgot on purpose so as some I could use for the annual fake Facebook post.
My husband is pretty useless and wouldn't think yo do a Facebook post for me on behalf of our 2 year old... even though I do flipping montages/collages/photo slideshow to music for him....Git. But he's got me a 29p card yet to be signed as he's in work.
My Mother is broken sadly. Some trauma from the past I'm sure. I made a dramatic show of desperation before Christmas with a kitchen knife (wasn't actually going to do anything...just wanted to see her reaction, give her a second chance as it were)... nope, within the same hour she told me I'd lok better if I lost weight 🤣😳 Fucking nut job she is.

Amboseli · 19/03/2023 15:09

I just cannot bring myself to do anything other than send a text. I know I look bad compared to my siblings who think she's amazing. But she was a very different parent to me than she was to them.

There are just no feelings there for her on my part. No bond. No hatred either. Just indifference. It's sad but I'm used to it.

I used to make a fuss many years ago but I was just following the crowd and doing what was expected.

I'm not sure how she views it. I don't think she's particularly bothered tbh. We're a highly dysfunctional family, but I'm the only one that can see it.

PictureConsequences · 19/03/2023 15:12

I posted about this in the week. Ended up sending a funky pigeon card which just said "Happy Mothers' Day" on the front and nothing inside, I put - love PictureConsequences. I'm in kind of limbo as am 98% NC with her but slightly more with my dad, as he's interested in DS's sport. They will never be wrong, it is moi who is wrong.

Amboseli · 19/03/2023 15:14

@ClosedAuraOpenMind ditto. Never there for, stood by and watched me being emotionally and psychologically abused by my father. Excluded me from her little close knit unit with my siblings.

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 15:54

Walkingintothedark · 19/03/2023 15:03

Yes difficult day. I do the usual photo, one she's chosen in advance (she's so vain, she freaked out one year when I posted a really lovely one of her) so I use pics from her profile or ones she's sent....coincidentally she sent 3, 2 days ago as an oops I forgot to send these to you message...obviously forgot on purpose so as some I could use for the annual fake Facebook post.
My husband is pretty useless and wouldn't think yo do a Facebook post for me on behalf of our 2 year old... even though I do flipping montages/collages/photo slideshow to music for him....Git. But he's got me a 29p card yet to be signed as he's in work.
My Mother is broken sadly. Some trauma from the past I'm sure. I made a dramatic show of desperation before Christmas with a kitchen knife (wasn't actually going to do anything...just wanted to see her reaction, give her a second chance as it were)... nope, within the same hour she told me I'd lok better if I lost weight 🤣😳 Fucking nut job she is.

I'm sorry to be presumptuous but-
Are you getting any help, therapy wise? In the nicest way, with the kindest intentions, it sounds as though you may have a bit of work still to do.

Walkingintothedark · 19/03/2023 15:59

it sounds as though you may have a bit of work still to do what do you mean by that?

GingerNutsAlabama · 19/03/2023 16:02

Hi OP have just logged on to say it is really tough. Seeing my mum has always been about her needs, her wants, fitting in with her interests, being made to feel I don't measure up in so many ways. Being told I'm chavvy etc, the list goes on, and being made to feel like a nuisance for existing but honestly this is the first mother's day where i have come to an acceptance that this is how things are and I can choose something else for me. I am 100% focusing on my life, family and kids from now on. It feels so good honestly.

I just wish I could have had a close relationship with my parents in the way i am trying to foster with my kids. It does hurt still from time to time because I do feel very alone in life in many ways without that close relationship with my mum but there we are. I have also gone down the route of trying to find other relatives to get close to but have realised that really I am looking for that parental relationship that of course they can never give so have stopped doing that!! But I am feeling stronger these days in myself.

BeingPartOfThings · 19/03/2023 17:28

I feel the same. Choosing a very neutral card, writing a bland message, doing my "duty" and popping a bunch of flowers round.

Solidarity to the other posters living this. It can be very painful. Therapy has helped me process things and I'm more aware of what I can do to protect myself.

Pandermonium · 19/03/2023 18:07

hotfairballoon · 19/03/2023 12:59

Hi 👋🏻 I'm having a very hard day myself. My mum (and whole family) broke contact with me nearly a year ago. I was never told the reason despite my asking and wanting to sort out. It was ultimately done in narcissistic rage in response to me setting boundaries. I remember last year was very tricky picking a card because like you all have mentioned, it's incredibly hard to find a card that doesn't say amazing mum. This year I suppose at least I don't have to worry about that. I've been crying all morning. I have children of my own but my husband isn't well so nothings been done for me. I suppose that can't be helped but means there's no distraction to take my mind off not having any family on my side. Trying not to wallow, but ultimately I am. A lot. Swollen eyes trying to build up to going downstairs and explaining away why I've clearly been crying (actually they might not notice anyway to be honest lol)
Love to all. It can be tricky. Know that I'm luckier than most btw x

You're not alone.
I also spent the morning in tears. Ended up hiding in the bathroom, sobbing.
I feel ridiculous as I know it's better for me mentally to be away from her. But I still feel incredibly sad.
We only went NC last month and it's all still very raw. Doesn't help we moved to their village in order to help my dad. So now I'm regretting the move.

Seeing everyone's posts on social media today, gushing over their kind and wonderful mothers was like a knife to the heart.

I agree finding a card is hard. My mother, like any good narcissist, feels she is perfect and expects a card to reflect that so usually I choose one that says exactly what she wants to hear whilst inwardly laughing at how wrong it is.

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/03/2023 18:10

Solidarity from me too.
I highly dislike my mum (though I do in a complicated way love her).
I hate buying a card and gift - get the most plain basic thing I can. Nothing is good enough anyway so I don’t bother too much anymore.

This year I saw her Saturday and so I’ve had a lively Sunday with just my children. It’s been really nice. I think I’ll make sure I do that every year from now on.