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Original poster

Gifted house deposit - feel guilty

56 replies

lowkeywhy12 · 19/03/2023 07:35

Parents have extremely kindly offered to put towards our deposit. We are saving constantly but struggling to save as we’re renting. They have paid their mortgage off but are both retired so I was shocked when they offered help. We haven’t fully decided on a property and are still looking but it’s likely this amount will be between 5-7k.
I feel very guilty about it as the upbringing they provided must have cost enough! My parents have brushed this off when I’ve told them I think it’s too generous and have simply replied, families look after each other/you’ll help us when we’re older/you’ll do it for your kids. Has anyone got any good ideas as to how we can repay them for this?

OP posts:
Nitgel · 19/03/2023 07:38

Look after them when they're older as requested

DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 07:39

Are you ring fencing their gift ?

bibbybox · 19/03/2023 07:42

It's pretty normal to have help with a deposit so I wouldn't feel guilty. Everyone I know got help including myself some 6 fig help.

Just thank them & help out with errands when they need.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
AnotherDelphinium · 19/03/2023 07:43

Are you buying in a very cheap area? In the nicest way possible, £5k doesn’t go very far towards buying a house. Your solicitor fees etc are likely to be the best part of £2-3k. Plus all the moving costs, unexpected costs, mortgage arrangement fee is £1k.

It sounds like they think they’re being generous, but if you had private school etc that would have been £20k+ a year, so the deposit sounds like a drop in the ocean?

Have a read of the ‘we took you to stately homes’ thread, as maybe turning down this “offer” and moving away from them might benefit you much more in the long run!

EllaPaella · 19/03/2023 07:43

They're gifting because they want to. I would 100% do the same for my kids if I could. If I had the money to spare why wait for it to be an inheritance if kids need it now for something important like buying a house.
Just be there for them in the future like they said.

Original poster
lowkeywhy12 · 19/03/2023 07:45

@AnotherDelphinium we’ve saved lots it’s just to take us to a position where we can buy now. The area is one of the cheaper ones yes. Not sure what you mean about stately homes?

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 19/03/2023 07:46

It’s one of my biggest priorities to be able to help my children buy a house. It’s a lovely thing for them to do and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Just tell them you’re very grateful. I’m sure you’ll do the same for your children one day.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/03/2023 07:48

do you have children OP? If/ when you do you will realise you’d help them out in a heartbeat if you could. Your parents don’t seem to be struggling so I don’t see the issue.

Oneborneverydecade · 19/03/2023 07:49

AnotherDelphinium · 19/03/2023 07:43

Are you buying in a very cheap area? In the nicest way possible, £5k doesn’t go very far towards buying a house. Your solicitor fees etc are likely to be the best part of £2-3k. Plus all the moving costs, unexpected costs, mortgage arrangement fee is £1k.

It sounds like they think they’re being generous, but if you had private school etc that would have been £20k+ a year, so the deposit sounds like a drop in the ocean?

Have a read of the ‘we took you to stately homes’ thread, as maybe turning down this “offer” and moving away from them might benefit you much more in the long run!

I agree with your first point but the next two are bonkers imo. Where have you got the idea that she has a difficult relationship with her parents from?

Youdoyoubabe · 19/03/2023 07:50

We were helped to buy our house by one set of parents. The other set bought a house for sibling.

we really hope to be able to do the same for our kids. I can’t think how they would buy a house otherwise.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 19/03/2023 07:50

I think it’s normal now. Don’t see how most young people have a chance of buying property otherwise.
Our dses are at university but we already have some money earmarked for them for house deposits if they need it.
We got a small inheritance which helped us which would be a drop in the ocean these days!

AnotherDelphinium · 19/03/2023 07:51

To feel so guilty about the suggestion of £5-7k surely isn’t normal and would be some sort of conditioning?

Stately homes thread is here - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

SheilaFentiman · 19/03/2023 07:53

Don’t feel guilty, op, I’m sure they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t feel they could afford it

DanceMonster · 19/03/2023 07:53

Has anyone got any good ideas as to how we can repay them for this?

Save up the amount they’ve lent you after you’ve moved in and give it back to them? Or were you thinking more ‘a bunch of flowers’ type thing?
If you feel too guilty, decline the offer?
We had help with our deposit, my dad lent us £20,000 interest free (since repaid). I didn’t feel guilty as it was an offer freely given, and we had every intention of paying it back.

Starseeed · 19/03/2023 07:54

Why do you feel you need to repay them? It’s a gift. Enjoy your blessings!

Needing the stately homes thread (about emotionally abusive families) might be a bit of a stretch, but feeling guilty and like you need to repay people for gifts does point to having experienced a bit of possible emotional neglect or manipulation in your life. Gifts aren’t supposed to come with strings.

elliejjtiny · 19/03/2023 07:56

Everyone I know who owns a house had help to buy it.

cptartapp · 19/03/2023 07:56

You'll help them when they're older? Mmmm. Agree with the conditioning comment above.
Their money would be better saved to buy in care when they need it and leave you free of the burden.
I would suspect you're going to be so beholden for this. They're already subconsciously telling you what they expect. Have seen it happen.

Original poster
lowkeywhy12 · 19/03/2023 07:57

@AnotherDelphinium @Starseeed oh definitely not they reassure me lots and say ‘it’s nothing’ and stop overthinking it etc. Guilt more comes from a place of anxiety for me I think. I worry if they gift it to me if it will affect their finances etc. Thank you for your concern though!

OP posts:
JussathoB · 19/03/2023 07:59

lowkeywhy12 · 19/03/2023 07:35

Parents have extremely kindly offered to put towards our deposit. We are saving constantly but struggling to save as we’re renting. They have paid their mortgage off but are both retired so I was shocked when they offered help. We haven’t fully decided on a property and are still looking but it’s likely this amount will be between 5-7k.
I feel very guilty about it as the upbringing they provided must have cost enough! My parents have brushed this off when I’ve told them I think it’s too generous and have simply replied, families look after each other/you’ll help us when we’re older/you’ll do it for your kids. Has anyone got any good ideas as to how we can repay them for this?

Many people nowadays have help from the bank of mum and dad in order to buy property. IMO you should accept graciously, don’t worry about posters here trying to make you feel as if they have put conditions on it.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 19/03/2023 08:00

We will give our DC a substantial sum towards house deposits. I would hate them to feel guilty, it's family money and will help them just as we were helped.

A distant relative was given money for a whole house, not just the deposit. Again, fortunate to have family money available.

EggBlanket · 19/03/2023 08:01

cptartapp · 19/03/2023 07:56

You'll help them when they're older? Mmmm. Agree with the conditioning comment above.
Their money would be better saved to buy in care when they need it and leave you free of the burden.
I would suspect you're going to be so beholden for this. They're already subconsciously telling you what they expect. Have seen it happen.

Agree. £5-7k is not a very large gift to expect care in their old age in return.

wonderstuff · 19/03/2023 08:01

My father helped me when he could on our deposit and I’m hoping to be able to help my kids, otherwise I fear they’ll never leave home! Boomers were able to buy because house prices relative to wages were so much cheaper, there wasn’t a shortage of housing in the 70s, but today it’s crazy.

Maedan · 19/03/2023 08:01

Oh hon that's so kind of your parents. Don't feel guilty they're right, you'll see them right as they get older and will one day help yours. It's not a massive amount of money in the grand scheme of things x

Dotcheck · 19/03/2023 08:03

AnotherDelphinium · 19/03/2023 07:43

Are you buying in a very cheap area? In the nicest way possible, £5k doesn’t go very far towards buying a house. Your solicitor fees etc are likely to be the best part of £2-3k. Plus all the moving costs, unexpected costs, mortgage arrangement fee is £1k.

It sounds like they think they’re being generous, but if you had private school etc that would have been £20k+ a year, so the deposit sounds like a drop in the ocean?

Have a read of the ‘we took you to stately homes’ thread, as maybe turning down this “offer” and moving away from them might benefit you much more in the long run!

Are you ACTUALLY suggesting that OPs parents who have kindly given 7k with no strings attached is abusive? REALLY?
What is wrong with you?

YouMadeABear · 19/03/2023 08:05

PIL loaned us £10k for our deposit which we paid back interest-free over several years. They'd have loved to have gifted it to us. This was years ago, pre-DC. My DP couldn't help but would have. Zero guilt, just thanks.

Now we're older and more stable, DH and I plough money away into various accounts so that we can set up our own DC. Uni fees, weddings, house deposit, travel etc. Making their lives easier than mine was will be the best gift I could ask for.

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