Please help me

[namechange852]

I'm somewhere without signal so I can't call Samaritans or text shout

How can we help? What would you like to talk about?

I'm utterly miserable. I've ruined my life

What's wrong?

If you can get on to mumsnet you can email the samaritans

How have you ruined your life love?

Nothing is so ruined it can’t be fixed in time

There are lots of people here who can listen and help

You haven’t ruined your life, there is always an answer

Lots of us here, keep posting @namechange852
Are you on your own? Or is there someone else with you?

Thank you for your replies

I don't exactly understand how everything all happened but I've damaged my marriage so badly I think it's beyond repair.

I had a lovely kind man but I destroyed things because I didn't think I deserved love. Now we are both broken and I hate myself

No cheating, but really bad things

I'm alone

Thank you. Do you really think that's true?

We both want to fix it but we've hurt eachother so much

You're not alone, I promise. There are lots of people here to support you.
Do you want to share what has happened?

You say you think you are both broken, but do you think things could be fixed with help? Relationship counselling?

Do you want to tell us about what’s been going on between you?

Yes, tell us what's happened, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is

I have relationship counseling tomorrow which is maybe why I'm feeling extra bad tonight dwelling on things that have happened

My hopes aren't very high because every time I've had counseling it's made things worse but maybe this will be different

I just end up telling the counsellor what I think they want to hear. My people pleasing is extreme

Will write a post trying to explain but might take a while to type. I'm upset

It's great you've got counselling lined up - are you both going, or just you on your own to start with? It can feel really daunting, but a good therapist will really help - sometimes you have to keep trying different ones til you find the one for you.

Ah yes, it's not going to work if you're just saying what you think you ought to say, but it's good you recognise that. That might be a good place to start with the counsellor- tell them that?

jo@samaritans.org but it may take several days to receive a reply by email.

Take your time, I understand you are upset, just know there are folks willing to listen and offer advice

I don't know why I entered the relationship in the first place- I didn't want one/never did. But he was nice.

Eventually I did genuinely fall for him and for a short while we were happy

But I could still never say what I actually felt or wanted at all (this is me being a people pleaser- not him being pushy)

Gradually I lost all sense of myself. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. Even had sex I didn't want on several occasions, which completely devastated him when he found out. I think I did it on purpose so I had an excuse to hate him and could hurt him

Yes I think this is where it's gone wrong in the past. It almost makes it worse because I confuse myself and continue to be inauthentic - but I actually don't know how I feel, I'm not doing it on purpose.

Just very easily influenced
I am very happy (and indeed selfish!) alone. But as soon as any other person is in the mix I become what I think they want me to be - completely unconsciously

Thank you everyone, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better maybe x