Please help me

[namechange852]

I'm somewhere without signal so I can't call Samaritans or text shout

It does sound like counselling could really help - you're being honest here about what you think are the issues, I would really hope a counsellor could help you work out why you're feeling the way you are, and acting the way you are with him. Do you think you can be as honest with the counsellor as you are being here? I'd really encourage you to try if you can.

You sound very reflective and that's a really good tool to take to counselling. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

I agree

I called him a rapist and I keep using things I've "compromised" (eg choosing to have a relationship at all in the first place, turning down an exciting job abroad) against him, which really isn't fair at all because they were my "choices"

He was a sweet nerdy kind man but now he's a nervous wreck and we're constantly attacking eachother

I've told him he's ruined my life and I wish he would die

I'm a horrible person

I think I've been abusive towards him. I'm worried I could be a narcissist.

I'm angry at myself that I can't just say what I want - it would have stopped this poison of resentment

you accuse of him being a rapist and he (presumably?) isn’t, you’re miserable, why are you even still together

Have you had any sort of diagnosis from a mental health team? BPD/EUPD, CPTSD, OCD anything like that?

I’d definitely speak to your GP about a referral, it sounds more like intrusive thoughts than you being a bad person.

I think it's going to take a lot of exploring with a trained person to work through of all this. But you're right to recognise this is abusive behaviour and can't go on any longer. That'd a big step and a narcissist wouldn't see it like that. Try to rest for now if you can, and get some sleep. Recognise this is a first step to getting the help you need to learn about the reasons for your behaviour and changing it for the better. You wouldn't be offered counselling if they didn't think it would help.

I had never had any mental health issues at all (not even mild depression or anything) until I started this relationship which concerns me

I don't think it's him (at all) but I wonder if I'm not made to be in a relationship

Because we're married and take it seriously
Because we were truly happy and healthy once
Because I love him and I miss us
Because I am still clinging to hope

I wasn't trying to falsely accuse him :( I really felt violated/didn't want sex but felt unable to stop it. But yes, he's not a rapist because he didn't know at the time.

I will try to sleep now
Thank you all

Sorry I should have said, I do have autism (I didn't consider it a mental health problem)

But even that was only diagnosed since being in this relationship and me totally changing

Sorry the more I write the worse I feel. A lot of shame and self hatred

If you both want to fix it there's a chance. Maybe you'd need outside help. Couples therapy together to work on the relationship and individual therapy for you both as well, to work through your issues and hurts.

You need a plan of action for whenever you feel like sabotaging yourself, to prevent yourself doing it. That's something achievable with the right help

We're all here for you OP. You don't sound bad, just sad and mixed up. If you get confused in your sessions and say what you think they want to hear could you write things down before you go and use it to keep you on track?

I really felt violated/didn't want sex but felt unable to stop it. But yes, he's not a rapist because he didn't know at the time.

This is really startling. Did you discuss boundaries beforehand?

@namechange852 It sounds like this relationship is bad for you. I'm not a counsellor or anything but I have been in relationships that made me think I was more 'mental' than I normally am.

I don't think you're a narcissist, or you wouldn't be worried that you might be a narcissist. x

If you've done something you're ashamed of, would trying to put it right help with those feelings?

Self hatred is understandable but it also isn't helpful. You need to be compassionate towards yourself as well as towards others. You can take responsibility for your actions without hating yourself, it's not the same thing

Sounds as though right now you'd benefit from doing things to calm yourself 💐

You'd either have no self awareness, of being a narc, or you'd be proud of it.

What do you mean?

Sometimes two people aren't bad people but they clash too much and bring out the worst in each other. Or they're good as friends but it doesn't work as a romantic thing. I had a relative like that, they just couldn't live together happily so divorced and remained friends

Hi op. Huge hugs. You don't sound horrible. Just confused and very sad. I do think your issues are fixable even if that meant that both off you are better off on your own. Not saying that's the case but please know that you are not stuck in some kind of irreversible nightmare because you are married. This can still have s good and happy outcome for both of you. I'm glad you have got counselling lined up tomorrow. I hope that will make things a bit clearer for you though it might take a few sessions or even a few counsellors. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

@namechange852
No matter how bad you feel NOW, there is always a chance of improving things.
Tiny steps.
I attended a Service recently where people had come together to celebrate the life of a wonderful woman who set up a pioneering drugs project.
Testimonies given by people who literally thought they had nothing to live for, who had rebuilt their lives into something that made them happy again, thanks to the help from the project.

There is hope for everyone..please have faith in yourself.
You deserve it.
🌻

I guess I just don't find it reassuring at the moment that we could/should split. I think I know we should split but we don't really believe in that. Just want to make it bearable

I think I know we should split but we don't really believe in that

If you have a Priest/Pastor you could have a chat to them?