What age would you let your child attend funeral

[88Pandora88]

Genuine question.
My eldest DD is 8 and a half.
My grandad passed yesterday, I remember when my other grandad passed I was 7 and wasn't given the option about attending funeral ceremony or the wake afterwards, I was just told no and went to school for the day.

I spoke with her yesterday when I returned from hospital, she was obviously upset and we had cuddles and I briefly just explained how he was poorly and he was quite old (late 80s)

Genuine question, how old is old enough /or how young is too young in your eyes to attend ceremony and/or the wake.

Any age. I'm not sure keeping kids away really helps at all. Keeping kids away mystifies funerals which doesn't help. Kids have wild imaginations. It's important they see what really happens and have a final goodbye.

Children of Caribbean origin ,go from birth.We also have an open casket but is is upto you whether you approach and want to say your last goodbyes or not.

Death is hidden in England; I still have friends that are in their 30's that have never been to a funeral .

My kids went to their grandfather's funeral at 3 and 5. They didn't come to the lunch afterwards as they would have found it boring and become fidgety so had a babysitter for that part.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I think any age is fine, though I wouldn't like to see kids running amok during the service, of course. My niece was 6 when my mother died and she wanted to be there.

For me a lot depends on the circumstance and how the funeral will be

My DD is 5. My father passed very unexpectedly and it was a dreadful shock - she did not come to that funeral

Few months laster my Nan passed away at 99 years old. Her funeral was more a celebration of her love as it's as long lived and happy. She did come to that and whilst I was dubious it was 100% the right decision for her and us as a family. She listened and asked a few questions before etc but it's helped give her a healthy understanding things and she felt heard and included

Life not love

I'm going to be the person who goes against the grain here and say I don't think funerals (whether for grandparents or parents of the children) are ever suitable for children.

I just don't think that children should have the last memories of their relatives as being in a coffin at a somber funeral. They don't need to have that "final goodbye" like adults do, it won't provide them any closure, if anything it will just make their grief worse as they have to sit in a ceremony stewing over sadness surrounded by sobbing adults.

I really admired Jeff Brazier when he took Bobby and Freddy abroad during their Mother's funeral. I don't think them attending their mother's funeral would have brought them any good.

You have to ask yourself what benefit the funeral will bring to a child?

My two went for the first time when they were 2 and 10 months.

Death is part of life and I think a child can go at any age within reason depending on the child. It opens the discussion and allows the child to process what has happened, which they will pick up on and be confused about if they are are shut out.

I have a different view from my DH family having lost my own father at 16, but when his dad was dying, our children who were 2,4,6 at the time weren't allowed to see him or to say goodbye to him and were then barred from the funeral by my mother-in-law. The older grandchildren were allowed. I had to respect her wishes even though it was surprising to me. My children were very confused by the whole thing. They didn't understand why they didn't get to say goodbye to him when others did. Consequentially they no longer like their granny and don't think much of their grandfather no matter how much I try to put a positive spin on it. Kids do better with honesty and openness and feeling they can talk to adults about anything. I don't think what my husbands family did was healthy, but I had to respect their grieving process at the expense of my kids grieving process. It was difficult.

I've taken a 4 year old. They just sit with the non-related parent, towards the back, and get taken out if they make a noise. Would you take a child to a Christening? If yes, how does an end of life ceremony differ?

Other family may offer to have your DD sit with them during the service. My sister and dad attended my MIL's funeral, and offered to have DS sit towards the back with them so I could support DH but we'd already taken DS to one funeral by then so we knew it was doable and we'd have been fine if they hadn't offered.

And I disagree. Funerals are places where people go to grieve. I'm burying my father next week and when I do that I want to be able to say goodbye without his favourite music (played by a grandson) being drowned out by the charming chatter of some little moppet. When his eulogy is given I'd like my mum to be able to hear it, not have to listen to a running commentary of q&a (what's that man doing, who is that, why is that lady sad) as I heard done in the last funeral I went to. I also want to be be to sob without really upsetting one of my children -they are older now but if they were 3 I wouldn't want them to see me so upset, neither would I want to suppress my tears.

Some of this depends on era. I know that I was refused the chance, like the OP, to attend grandparents' finerals at 9 and 11 years old. I was just told that children didn't go.

Since having my own children, I've developed an increasingly long list of things that I actively choose to handle differently from my mother. This is one of them.

I think it depends on the child, their understanding of death and the nature of the relationship they had with the person. If it's someone they were close to then I'd be inclined to let them go, at that age I'd explain step by step what would happen and why it happens and try to frame it as a chance for everyone who loved that person to come together to celebrate the person's life even though they feel sad they are gone and will miss them. I think funerals serve an important purpose in grief and I think we shouldn't try to shield children from death as much as we do as it's a natural part of life.

There are a couple of things that should be taken into consideration

Needs of the chief mourners
Needs of the child

If a child is likely to be disruptive and the chief mourner(s) prefers them not to be there and causing a distraction their needs always take precedence. Some will not mind, others will, there is no right or wrong and their needs should be respected at the most difficult time for them. Even if a parent of a child thinks they are being unreasonable, they are in deep grief and are allowed to be.

The needs of the child is dependent on the individual child and not a number (age). Then it all comes down to parental judgement and the context of the funeral.

I remember going to my grandad's at that age and it was fine, my sister and I did sit in the car afterwards instead of going to the graveside as my parents thought that might be too much.

This. My eldest attended her great-grandpa's funeral when she was 2. Actually, so many people came up to us and said how happy they were to see her there as it was a heavy day for them.

My only concern would be if the child was disruptive, but then you just quietly step out as needed. Possibly re-join for the wake.

My grand children were aged 5&3 when they went to my father-in-law 's funeral. None attended my mother-in-law ' s funeral.

One said it would be too sad to attend.

Like pp I think any age if they were close, although before around 4 they wouldn’t have much memory of it.

i think children very much need closure and final goodbyes, just as adults do.

They grieve too and it’s good to be able to grieve together, to feel the solidarity and support of family and friends.

I wouldn’t pressurise them to go however if they didn’t want to.

Any age, as long as they want to

I come from a culture where children don't go to funerals. I didn't go to a funeral until I was an adult. I've married into a family where the culture is that children always go to funerals. In most cases I think the later is better.

My DC weren't at the funeral but were at the wake for DDad. With two toddlers it was better to not have them at the graveyard but my Mum really appreciated having them at the wake. When FIL died all three DC were all at primary school and they attended the funeral, graveyard and wake. DD1 sat next to MIL at the funeral and held her hand. It's important for kids to experience these things and be part of the family's grieving process.

Both their grandfathers were old when they died and their deaths weren't unexpected. The death of someone younger might be a different experience.

Depends on who's funeral it is really. My uncle died a little while ago - DS (7y) didn't really know him, so he didn't go to the funeral. Tbh, unless it's someone really close (family) or someone he spends a lot of quality time with, I wouldn't take him. I've buried 4 family members and 3 friends in the past 6 years alone. He's got the rest of his life to 'experience' funerals, I feel no need to force that on him at his age.

You have to ask yourself what benefit the funeral will bring to a child?

Well in my case (13 years old) it would have reinforced the message that DF was actually dead. Instead to comfort myself I constructed some complicated narrative that he was living abroad somewhere and couldn't or wouldn't come back to us. I can recall being around 20 when I convinced myself that that was nonsense and he was actually dead. Being made to go to school as if the day of my father's funeral was a normal day just kicked off years of feeling that I wasn't important and didn't matter.

From birth, depending on the child and circumstances.

Any age, as long as they don't disrupt the service (or there is somebody willing to take them out).
Death is not something to fear, so not sure why kids would be excluded. I have known very young children attend their parents' funerals with no issue.

I think it would depend on the child and their relationship with the person. My beloved grandmother died when I was only 4 years old. I understood what had happened and wanted to go to the funeral. My parents decided I was too young and refused to allow it. I have never forgotten it or forgiven them for that - and I am 65!