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Original poster

What age would you let your child attend funeral

111 replies

88Pandora88 · 13/03/2023 06:29

Genuine question.
My eldest DD is 8 and a half.
My grandad passed yesterday, I remember when my other grandad passed I was 7 and wasn't given the option about attending funeral ceremony or the wake afterwards, I was just told no and went to school for the day.

I spoke with her yesterday when I returned from hospital, she was obviously upset and we had cuddles and I briefly just explained how he was poorly and he was quite old (late 80s)

Genuine question, how old is old enough /or how young is too young in your eyes to attend ceremony and/or the wake.

OP posts:
Original poster
88Pandora88 · 13/03/2023 08:37

Hi, I don't want to deny her the experience if you will, as in my original post, I wasn't even given the option at her age. Just after opinions of what others do, from reading replies, it's obvious a lot if not all would take her. She's very sensible and would sit throughout. My youngest wouldn't and would be talking throughout and fidgeting.

I will speak with my eldest later and talk it through with her, and at very least they will both attend the wake.

Thanks again for all replies

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 13/03/2023 08:37

My dcs went to funerals for the first time in their mid 20s recently. No one close to them has died before then.
I've only been to 3 and I'm in my 60s.

recorderscansoundgreat · 13/03/2023 08:39

DD came to my grandmother's funeral when she was 5, along with DN who was 2 - my brother sat next to the door for a quick exit if necessary, but DN had an unusually good day, and several people commented afterwards that they appreciated him being there (and babbling gently during the service.

creekingmillenial · 13/03/2023 08:39

Depends on so many factors like what sort of funeral it was, how devastated people were (e.g less likely to take my child to someone’s funeral who died young and suddenly than their grandparents), how important it was to them and what relationship they had.

At 8, without additional needs I’d think most children should be allowed to go if you’ve explained what a funeral is like and they want to go.

PuttingDownRoots · 13/03/2023 08:40

We didn't take DDs to their great grandmothers funeral at 6&8... but were living abroad at the time. We didn't tell them fir a few days actually because she died the night before DDs birthday... DH was already on a business trip in the UK and had made a detour there.

More locally, we might have taken them, although none of the great grand children did attend in the end.

Sorry for your loss.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 13/03/2023 08:43

AuntieMarys · 13/03/2023 08:37

My dcs went to funerals for the first time in their mid 20s recently. No one close to them has died before then.
I've only been to 3 and I'm in my 60s.

That’s really unusual (and fortunate!). I have one this week, my friends mum🥺

Travelationjubilation · 13/03/2023 08:46

We do 12/13 as it's the coming of age in our religion. However, we also have evening prayers where people come to the house for several days after this which we do from any age and then a year later a ceremony for the headstone and they come to that at any age.

Roselilly36 · 13/03/2023 08:48

Depends on the child rather than the age, I spoke to my youngest son when a beloved member of extended family died, he wanted to come to the funeral, I told him that was ok, but even if on the morning he changed his mind that was ok too. We also attended a close friend of theirs funeral when they were 15 & 13, that was very distressing for them and us, but they were pleased they went to say goodbye. As a mum you will know when you think they will be able to cope and be guided by them wanting to come. The only thing I have found when they started to attend funerals, is that I struggle to grieve, as I know if they see me upset it makes it harder for them.

Dayvi · 13/03/2023 08:49

From birth pretty much.

Disneygirl37 · 13/03/2023 08:50

I think it's important to include children where you can. We took my dd at 6months, 3 & 4 to our grandparents funerals. My partner took her out about half way through the church service of my granddads when she was 3 but otherwise she was fine. I think it's nice for everyone to have children at the wake but it's good to have someone who can take them outside if needed at the service.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 13/03/2023 08:53

All ages. My dc have been to funerals as babies, toddlers, young children and as older children too. Including an 8 years old would never have been a question in my mind.

im sorry for your loss.

Brightonbelle87 · 13/03/2023 08:54

Sorry for your loss and for your children to lose a grandparent.

I remember being at a funeral of a great uncle when I was about 5 and looking into a big hole in the ground and being a bit scared I'd fall in. Then aged 11 my friend at school sadly died from pneumonia and she had an open casket at her house, everyone from primary school came to see her and lay flowers. I've been at others since then and glad of the experience as it taught me how to be empathetic to others, how to behave at sad/sombre events and what to say to people in such circumstances. Death is a part of life and is an important social development. As its the grandparents I'd definitely be taking the children, it's their chance to say goodbye and understand where the grandparents have gone/where they can visit them if they're in a graveyard to leave flowers at anniversaries etc.

blebbleb · 13/03/2023 08:54

I wouldn't take my almost 3 year old to a funeral unless it was a very close family member. Even then I think he's too young. He's a sensitive little boy and wouldn't properly understand what was happening. 7 onwards sounds reasonable to me if they want to go.

Speedweed · 13/03/2023 08:55

I think it's a decision to be taken based on the age of the child, the closeness of the relationship, and also the circumstances of the death.

So a baby being taken to a grandparent's funeral and death due to old age - probably not because the baby won't know to be quiet, or know that they've attended and is likely to distract other old mourners who want some quiet contemplation. Once the child is older and knows when to be quiet, I think it's then about whether they'll be upset or scared - an old person's funeral being a very different experience to a young person who has died prematurely, where the mourning is likely to be much more intense, and it can be scary for children to see that level of distress in adults.

I do think children are generally fine to go to that wake though, as it's an affirmation of the life cycle and often a welcome relief to the sadness.

Phoebo · 13/03/2023 08:55

Any age, it's a funeral

Whiteroomjoy · 13/03/2023 08:58

My 2 dc attended my mums funeral (their grandmother) when they were 4 and 6 .
She was a lifelong naturalist. she had a woodland burial in an SSSI site. They actually both remember it very well as the ground keeper took them off to look at the pondlife after the funeral. That would please my mum no end, that they can’t really remember her anymore but remember the beasties in the pond and associate that with her . They weren’t upset, just took it all as normal day out 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

but, my youngest dc did get surprising upset at age of 15 at his granddads funeral and cremation. Very small affair and suddenly he started crying. He wasn’t particularly close, but I think the whole strangeness of a cremation and rigid funeral service just caught him out. And us. I was quite shocked by the impact on him

so, how they react depends …what type of funeral (mums was outside only so kids being a bit restless was not an issue) and what sort of service, the relationship etc. we all know that seeeing someone crying or expressing emotions is infectious and we find ourselves crying whereas a few minutes earlier we would have felt relatively emotionally in control. I think dc reaction at his grandads funeral as a bit of that- his dad was talking about his own father and I think it was hearing his dad talk in moving emotional terms - even though his dad wasn’t crying or struggling to speak.

Just be mindful of the kids. Watch their reactions. Try to steer them away from visibility upset people gently . Focus on the celebration and remeberance of a life . Prep them well before by talking about what will happen, how, when and who will be involved. Talk about death with them. IMHO it is a useful life lesson for them to realise no one is immortal and that grieving for lost one’s is part of life itself and is fine to talk about,

evilharpy · 13/03/2023 09:01

My daughter was 4 when my dad died. She was at the funeral, and this being Ireland, at the wake for several days beforehand and the burial too. My uncle died recently, she's 8 now and she was at the wake and funeral for that too, and the burial. Her much younger cousins were all there. Death is part of life, kids here grow up seeing it treated as such.

SparkyBlue · 13/03/2023 09:01

I'm sorry for your loss. Going to the funeral totally depends on the child and the funeral. Im Irish so we are always at funeral's (although that's definitely changing) and this would be a no brainier to me if she'd like to go I'd bring her. It sounds like it will be a celebration of life funeral of a person who had lived a long life rather than a shocking unexpected death of a young person. She will probably enjoy meeting and seeing family and they will like to see her as well.

UpsideDownInsideOutRoundAndRound · 13/03/2023 09:02

Our son went to his great grandmas funeral at 9 months old.

Then went to his other great grandmas funeral at 6 years old.

He played a piece of music for his granddad at his funeral when he was 10 years old. He wanted to do it as a tribute to him.

MistyFrequencies · 13/03/2023 09:04

Whatever age they are when they wont cause distraction.

maddy68 · 13/03/2023 09:08

I think any age is acceptable.
It's all part of life and it helps them understand. (,,,, Obviously if they are too young and mat disrupt then that's different

BetterDays2223 · 13/03/2023 09:09

Youngest was 1, eldest was 5 when they went to their first funeral (great nan.)

It’s important to honour those that have passed, say goodbye, regardless of age.

I think I’d be doing my kids a disservice to shield them from the basis of life - that we all die at some point.

LesserBohemians · 13/03/2023 09:09

MistyFrequencies · 13/03/2023 09:04

Whatever age they are when they wont cause distraction.

I think that’s ridiculous. Funerals are for families, friends, and communities to mourn a person’s death and pay tribute to their life — children are part of those groups. It’s not like a chamber music concert where a child crying or talking is going to ruin a carefully-rehearsed performance.

avocadotofu · 13/03/2023 09:10

I went to my grandad's funeral when I was 5.

RubiesAndRaindrops · 13/03/2023 09:13

My DD attended her Grandad's funeral (my FIL) at age 5. She loved him, it was an opportunity for her to say goodbye and it was the right thing to do in her case. If the child is old enough to miss them/understand that they are gone they are old enough to attend. My SIL took her 2 year old to a funeral but that was because of not having childcare, she took her little one out of the chapel when they started running around and playing which is fine. Death is part of life, so long as they don't run riot (which isn't the child's fault anyway) any age is fine in my view. You also need to know/take account of the temperament and views of the child that said, I wouldn't force them to go if they didn't want to or might find it traumatic. My condolences OP.