Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I don’t know how to make things fair between Dh and I

55 replies

Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 18:57

I’m going to try to give you as much details as possible so not to drip feed :

Together 17 years with 2 kids (13 and 15)
Both working full time (me from home)
I earn more than dh and I’m also in charge of most of the kids, house administration. Booking holidays, organising them and paying for the shortfall if we didn’t save enough.

dh is a very lovely man and a great father but I have grown resentful over the last few years because of all the pressure. I don’t think he does enough to help at home, he does do the laundry and feed the dogs and that’s all.

i felt lately that he is taking me for granted, he expect to fork every time we need extra money. We have a family account and I put more in it as I earn more but I’m growing resentful of earning more (my work is physical) and be in charge of what’s for dinner every damn day. I don’t feel appreciated. I have tried to talk to him but he doesn’t seem to get it. I have exploded at him as he has been at home all week and barely helped at all with anything.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 10/03/2023 19:02

Are your contributions to the family pot proportionate?

Could you both put extra in (proportionately) to build savings so that extra expenses are paid for out of that pot rather than them falling to you?

Make a rota for house and kids and alternate each week.

TheFlis12345 · 10/03/2023 19:04

Hard to comment on the finances without knowing the size of the disparity in earnings and what you both pay towards everyday bills.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 19:21

Ok so he pays 2900 towards the bills and I pay 3600. I want to say I wouldn’t care one bit (and most of the time I don’t ) if the mental load of our every day life was a bit more balanced. When he does dinner occasionally for example, he asks : where is this ? How long do I cook that ? I can’t find this…ffs leave me alone, I don’t ask you question when I make dinner. Or can you please ring the insurance to claim for the vet…ok I’ll do it. He doesn’t.

Something that is really pissing me off and I want to know if I’m wrong to be, he is turning 40 next year and he is saving to go on a jolly with his friends. He never saved for us two to go anywhere, it’s always me who pays and organise the city breaks we go to. He doesn’t understand why I’m resentful.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 10/03/2023 19:32

He sounds anything but "very lovely". And he's gaslighted you into asking him to "help" rather than do his share.

Have you ever done a back of the envelope time budget for both of you? Sounds like you need a complete redivision of responsibilities.

Aftjbtibg · 10/03/2023 19:36

Would it help for you to write down everything you do and everything he does to show him the disparity and to decide what he’s going to take on? Let him fail with some of it and have to sort out the consequences for it to hit home. DH and I don’t have a good balance but as I work part time it evens it out but the things he does are his responsibility so if he forgets to put the bins out then he has to make a trip to the tip, I left meal planning and the food shop to him a while ago and he didn’t do well with it but he was the one running out to the shop to get stuff constantly so the next time I noticed he was much better.

Polis · 10/03/2023 19:36

Ok so he pays 2900 towards the bills and I pay 3600

A month?

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 19:38

@Polis yes a month

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 10/03/2023 19:39

Leave him?

coodawoodashooda · 10/03/2023 19:42

He's showing you who he is and who he thinks you are. Ducks in a row...

Hatscats · 10/03/2023 19:46

£6500 of bills a months?!

MuggleMe · 10/03/2023 19:47

Have you been clear it's building resentment? I'd be asking him to start by cooking 3 evening meals a week, 2 on weekends if necessary for timings of him getting back from work. And he either gives you a list of what to buy or gets it, and leaves you alone and cooks it. Does he do the washing up? That should be a given.

Wafflefudge · 10/03/2023 19:47

They are high bills. Its not a huge difference between how much you both pay, and if proportionate to earnings then not too bad.
He sounds potentially lazy, useless and inconsiderate though which is much more of an issue.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/03/2023 19:48

My god your bills are high. To be fair neither of you is on a low income. How much spare a month does he have- because either start a joint savings for couple breaks or ask him for half.
Also rather than expect him to pick up half tell him what to do. Write a shopping list and he can go buy it and put it away.
As for the admin mental load- imo one person usually does this, it’s never fully shared.

WishIWasACavewoman · 10/03/2023 19:50

Hi OP, sympathies as I have a similar situation. Much bigger income disparity though. I do think the (lack of) balance can fossilise and resentment/taking for granted can set in - it has in my case.

Honesty is the only possible route forward, and I don't mean just a focus on who does what and evening it up a bit. I mean, yes, do that too. But a conversation about your aspirations in life, towards each other, for your family and what hopes you work towards for it, and for yourselves as individuals, is what you really need.

Full disclosure, this is the conversation I haven't been able to have with my DH. I have my end of it, he sits crushed and silent, agrees all that would be nice, and then can't translate it into anything in real life and carries on earning minimum wage/ letting me do the mental load. It means I'm in a different place to you, weighing up my options.

I do hope you manage to create a sense of shared purpose together.

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 19:51

I think it is hard to suddenly expect a large change divisions of labour at home.

It will take time to alter decades of what you see as unfair division of work in your home.

Be careful that you are following your own thoughts of what should be, not other peoples.

redskylight · 10/03/2023 19:53

For me it helped to give DH specific tasks. So, for example he cooks on 2 days of the week, I'll buy items when I'm at the shop if he tells me before I go, but not otherwise, and when he says "what should I cook?" I say "whatever you like".

You do need to accept that if you go down this route, that DH has to do it in his way, and not the way you think he should be done.

Also - your children are teens. I hope they are doing a reasonable share of the house jobs? We have a rota where everyone has a job to do on a Sunday (hoovering , bathroom cleaning etc). It's written in black and white so no one can say they didn't know they were meant to do it.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 19:59

Sorry I have should have said we are in London - so middle income. I love that man very much and some days I feel like I want to give him the moon but then I get frustrated with him because he promises things are going to change, they do for a couple of weeks then it goes back to usual.

He does the washing up yes in the evening, I’m too exhausted to do it anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 20:01

The teens do nothing, my fault. He just said he is going to make a couple of casserole next week.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/03/2023 20:02

Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 19:59

Sorry I have should have said we are in London - so middle income. I love that man very much and some days I feel like I want to give him the moon but then I get frustrated with him because he promises things are going to change, they do for a couple of weeks then it goes back to usual.

He does the washing up yes in the evening, I’m too exhausted to do it anyway.

Sorry I know this is off the point but I’m London too- you’re high income.
But back to the main point, stop expecting and start insisting on him doing more

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 10/03/2023 20:02

The fb group bridging the gap will be very useful for you.

mrsm43s · 10/03/2023 20:06

In terms of finances, is it not MN wisdom (or at least when the woman is the lower earner) that both partners should be left with the same amount each after bills for spends? If you both have the same amount left, you should both be able to save for other expenses and pay equally towards them. You can't expect him to pay equally for "extras" if you have more spends than him.

In terms of family life and division of chores, that should be split so that you both do the same total number of hours across work+commute+home responsibilities. If that's not happening, then that conversation needs to be had. He should be pulling his weight. You should both be equal partners in all respects.

FusionChefGeoff · 10/03/2023 20:08

Firstly isn't anyone else intrigued by a wfh job that's physical?! I'm scratching my head!

Secondly, I'd say give him big chunks of admin / responsibility.

So eg all insurance - finding it, comparisons, checking policies, renewing, claiming. Home / car / travel / pets. Breakdown. Critical illness and healthcare would also fit under this banner I reckon.

Agree a huge list of everything then divvy up to offload a lot of work and hopefully resentment

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 20:11

FusionChefGeoff · 10/03/2023 20:08

Firstly isn't anyone else intrigued by a wfh job that's physical?! I'm scratching my head!

Secondly, I'd say give him big chunks of admin / responsibility.

So eg all insurance - finding it, comparisons, checking policies, renewing, claiming. Home / car / travel / pets. Breakdown. Critical illness and healthcare would also fit under this banner I reckon.

Agree a huge list of everything then divvy up to offload a lot of work and hopefully resentment

Personal trainer/online fitness instructor is my guess

3487642I · 10/03/2023 20:29

You've tried talking to him. This doesn't always work, so it's time to take some kind of action. I'm watching to see some suggestions.

Maybe it's time for a complete swap; he's done x years of feeding the dogs and laundry so you take that on for the next x years and he can do the jobs you've done. That sounds fair. He's an adult who holds down a job so he can figure out how to follow recipes or you tube instructions for the rest, time to let him crack on with it. Not sure what to suggest re money, keen to see posts about that too.

Paq · 10/03/2023 20:41

You both work full time you should be equally responsible for domestic stuff.

That you earn more isn't relevant unless you think he's deliberately slacking off in his career knowing that you'll sub him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread