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Original poster

I don’t know how to make things fair between Dh and I

55 replies

Glamourgal1989 · 10/03/2023 18:57

I’m going to try to give you as much details as possible so not to drip feed :

Together 17 years with 2 kids (13 and 15)
Both working full time (me from home)
I earn more than dh and I’m also in charge of most of the kids, house administration. Booking holidays, organising them and paying for the shortfall if we didn’t save enough.

dh is a very lovely man and a great father but I have grown resentful over the last few years because of all the pressure. I don’t think he does enough to help at home, he does do the laundry and feed the dogs and that’s all.

i felt lately that he is taking me for granted, he expect to fork every time we need extra money. We have a family account and I put more in it as I earn more but I’m growing resentful of earning more (my work is physical) and be in charge of what’s for dinner every damn day. I don’t feel appreciated. I have tried to talk to him but he doesn’t seem to get it. I have exploded at him as he has been at home all week and barely helped at all with anything.

OP posts:
qpmz · 10/03/2023 20:56

Regardless of finances (I can't believe those bills!), can you not just do less and see what happens? The kids are old enough to do basic meals and chores. The husband needs to step up. If the laundry builds up, just do your own. If there's no dinner in get yourself a takeaway or better still go to a restaurant with a friend.

RandomMess · 10/03/2023 21:00

I think hand over the food shop and menu planning to him and cook 50:50 or he at least does 2/3 nights a week.

Even him planning the menu for the week and the on line shop means the mental load is more shared.

NeedSomeSpace · 10/03/2023 21:50

I had to do quite a bit of prep work to 'hand over' some of the mental load, but I think it has been worth it. We have a 3wk meal plan rota, a master shopping list that can be printed out with all our usual items on it (just cross off what we don't need that week) and a To Do List app for cleaning tasks (tasks are recurring and it took a while to set up). We also have a shared family calendar so we both know the kids schedule.

Saturday mornings are when one of us does the shopping and the other does the cleaning tasks. We mostly swap each week. I want both my children to see me and my husband doing the housework so my daughter especially grows up expecting her partner to do it too.

I also stopped asking my husband to help with things, but just told him what needed to happen. I've become much more forthright and clear, rather than suggesting or hinting. It has been about three years and there's a massive improvement.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 08:30

Thank you all so much - so many advices. I’m taking all on board. I felt really overwhelmed yesterday and lost it with him

OP posts:
Lostthetastefordahlias · 11/03/2023 08:48

We don’t have this completely sorted at all but I found the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky really useful.
What is it that is specifically annoying you about him saving for the 40th? Presumably you split finances like this to give each of you some freedom to make independent choices with the £ you each have left over, so is this not what he is doing? What makes you cross - is it because you don’t currently have similar self focused expenses planned? Or because you have things you want to buy as a family that you think he should be contributing to? Not saying you are wrong at all - but this seems to be a slightly different issue to the housework split?

NeedSomeSpace · 11/03/2023 09:37

I had similar-ish with the finance thing but it was my husband just buying daily takeout coffees when we were trying to pay off debt. I think I saw on here about having a personal allowance, so that's what we do. Essentially pocket money for our own hobbies/treats. Works brilliantly for us.

There's things you can do about the holiday budget. I find coming up with some thoughts/solutions and then proposing them to my husband helps us get to a mutually agreeable decision. I want us on the same page, I don't mind if I come up with the plan, so this works well for us.

My husband was just never aware of family mental load. His mum loves being a mum and therefore did everything for him and his dad worked away. He never did chores, never had a part-time job, never had to save for anything. The outcome is that he simply didn't have any of this on his radar. I was the eldest in a single parent family and had to step up and help, had to work to afford to go out with my friends, we saved change for holiday treats, so I was much more aware.

Three years down the line in our household, my husband decided on last night's dinner, defrosted and cooked it (no input from me). This morning he was up early and had already put a load of washing on when I got up. Not on a list, not directed by me, just new habits and awareness forming.

TokenGinger · 11/03/2023 09:51

I'm missing the point if the thread here, but out of genuine interest - what kind of job do you do where you can work from home, and that it's physical, and earn that much per month? It sounds fab!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/03/2023 09:55

He is happy with how things are, you are unhappy. Fixing that is likely to make him a bit unhappy, especially in the short term. So whatever strategy you take prepare for some resistance and failure at the beginning.

DH and I take a strengths-based approach: I'm good with cooking, money, the garden and social life. He's good at laundry, pets and any cleaning that has to be done between the cleaners coming.

I've had to teach him that cooking involves meal planning, budget management, diary planning and logistics - it's not just floating into the kitchen and magically whipping up some delicious nutritious meal from goodies that happen to have faxed themselves into the fridge.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 10:20

@TokenGinger I can’t tell you what job I do because people are going to throw stones at me. I don’t need this atm

OP posts:
Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 11/03/2023 10:24

High end sex worker is physical and well paid!

TokenGinger · 11/03/2023 10:27

Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 10:20

@TokenGinger I can’t tell you what job I do because people are going to throw stones at me. I don’t need this atm

Fair enough. I wasn't trying to cause any trouble - I just love the idea of a job from home that's physical and was interested in what it was. I feel like a potato at my desk at home! Grin

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/03/2023 10:28

It'll be to do with sex work.

SNWannabe · 11/03/2023 10:37

Bloody hell I would love to earn enough to pay THOSE bills!!!
In my marriage we don’t have his or her money- it’s joint. My husband earns far more than me, but I’m a nurse and I am pretty sure I work bloody hard for what I earn. So it would be unfair if he resented me not paying as much as him towards family things. I was a SAHM for years too and never thought of it as his money either… and not did he.
i like a PPs suggestion of a strengths based approach to family life, maybe you could sit down with the kids too and discuss this- what are their strengths, what would they like to build on? Then sit as a family and plan tasks around the home- outsource if necessary and pay for someone to do something eg if dh not good at food prep then try Hello Fresh for a while and keep the recipe cards which he could then follow. Or the teens? Don’t just do loads yourself and then get resentful.

sixfoot · 11/03/2023 10:42

How have you got through the first decade of parenting without this coming up!! That’s the hardest part ime.

He needs to step up, obviously, but it sounds like you’ve been enabling this for a very long time. You’ll need to drop balls, he’ll need to understand the consequences of not catching them.

RockGirl · 11/03/2023 11:20

Is this a cultural divide? Are you non-English?

You need to just do your half and let him deal with his. Both if you are also responsible for your children to learn some responsibility, otherwise their partners will be on this forum in a decade making the same complaints you are making now.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 12:39

I am not a sex worker.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 11/03/2023 12:47

Time for a family meeting where everyone gets given chores and responsibilities. OP, you can’t go on like this. Dh and the kids need to step up. Why can’t the kids each cook one evening meal a week for example?

Wither everyone pulls their weight or you go on strike and look after yourself only. If not, the building resentment will kill your marriage.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 12:48

I am Italian and he is English. I really can’t say what my job is as it would create another debate. I need to sit down with him..my strength is cooking but I don’t to cook every single evening - so he needs to pull his head out his arse or when I cook I do more and freeze the leftover. Love the idea of the rota/meal planning for 3 weeks. He is better at laundry than me as he bitches about the way I put the laundry to dry. Everything financial, I’m best at it, I manage our family bank account, I remind him when his car needs a mot, I organising all the saving pots for Christmas, holidays, etc…he helps with the kids, he does with their schooling. He goes online to their parents evening.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 11/03/2023 12:51

With those sort of incomes could you not hire some help ? A cleaner / cook would make a huge difference

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 13:04

Those are really not huge incomes, where we live people earn twice, 3 times as that but it makes me think we must spent on some shit that we could put money else. I don’t work Fridays so I don’t mind cleaning and most of the admin. I put all my heart in my cooking too.

OP posts:
redskylight · 11/03/2023 13:18

Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 13:04

Those are really not huge incomes, where we live people earn twice, 3 times as that but it makes me think we must spent on some shit that we could put money else. I don’t work Fridays so I don’t mind cleaning and most of the admin. I put all my heart in my cooking too.

Perhaps stop comparing yourself to other people? Even in London terms those are high salaries; and if you are genuinely struggling to save for things like holidays, it sounds like you are hemorrhaging money somewhere.

I work full time, have a husband who works full time and 2 teenagers. We split out the dull repetitive tasks (cooking, housework) between all 4 of us and DH and I split the rest depending on strengths. I think if you offload some of the dull tasks to your children or DH you will feel much better - with 2 teens, there really shouldn't be masses to do at home.

Original poster
Glamourgal1989 · 11/03/2023 13:40

I’m not comparing myself, I just want to give an idea. I have never said we were struggling financially just that we could be better at managing it. And I guess I wouldn’t resent dh if he was pulling his weight more. As I said we are pooling all the proportionally to our income. I end up seeing red and throwing back at his face that yes I earn more and I’m on my feet all day so he needs to take his head out his arse and do what needs doing !

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 11/03/2023 13:45

I think the idea that you should contribute proportionately is at the heart of your problem.

The thing is, people who say that seem
to only think in terms of financial contributions. They view it as just salary and ‘spends’.

But, regardless what the incomes are here, the problem for the OP is that she contributes more financially, considerably more in terms of domestic/child-related labour and shoulders pretty much the entire mental load. And still has to contribute more of her savings for holidays because he’s not saved enough.

That’s a shit deal. Of course she’s resentful!

Suzi888 · 11/03/2023 17:12

Have you told him how you feel. Specified what help you need? He may have no idea/ be oblivious/ be hoping you just do it. If you don’t say anything then you can’t blame him.

SquidwardBound · 11/03/2023 19:37

Suzi888 · 11/03/2023 17:12

Have you told him how you feel. Specified what help you need? He may have no idea/ be oblivious/ be hoping you just do it. If you don’t say anything then you can’t blame him.

Oh come on.

lets give men some credit. They aren’t oblivious to the fact that their partner is doing all the work. They aren’t incapable of recognising it.

It is not the case the you can’t blame him for doing fuck all if you don’t say anything about how you pay more, have to top up his contributions and are doing all the household labour. That just puts even the work to sort anything out on to the OP’s shoulders.

The problem won’t be that he doesn’t know he’s not pulling his weight. It’s that he’s perfectly happy with that situation.

You don’t have to be a mind reader to think: hmm, I haven’t made dinner in months… maybe I should say I’ll cook tonight.