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Original poster

Idiotic (drunk) DH stuck in London and I'm worried.

87 replies

inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 00:43

My DH is an idiot.

We held a small lunchtime/afternoon party for our staff earlier today. Our business is in the south of the county, we live in the north, about 35 miles/1hr 15 mins in the car, but by train you have to get one into London, and then another train back out - about a 2 hour journey all in.

I had 3 or 4 drinks and got a lift home at about 5.30 with our friend who had joined us from our local town. DH said he wanted stay for another couple of hours and would get the train home, thought he was being a bit daft, but he wanted to spend some more time with the team (and I had to get home for DD), so fair enough.

There was sight nor sound of him for a few hours (he usually calls whenever he's on his way home from anywhere) so I tried to contact him - no luck - looked on find my friend and he was still there. I was getting a bit worried about the trains on a Sunday night so checked and he'd missed any chance of getting home tonight by train, so I assumed he was going to stay there overnight (he has family close by). Not a problem - marginally annoying, but no big deal, and certainly the safest/easiest thing to do if he was drunk.

He eventually called me back and was standing on the station platform, almost incoherently drunk (obviously coherent enough to call me - speaking and listening not so much!), I told him that he'd missed all the trains from London to our town and said "whatever you do, do not get on the train to London as you'll be stuck at the other end". I told him to get a taxi to his parents' or brother's house, but ohhhh no, the train pulled up whilst I was still on the phone to him and he got on the bloody thing! I was trying to get through to him, but he just couldn't get it, slurring about it being fine and he'd get a train from x station, even though I was repeatedly telling him there were no trains.

His phone is now dead, he is stuck in London somewhere, insanely drunk, with a very flimsy blazer on. I'd like to think he'll cut his losses and find a hotel to stay in, but he is bloody minded when he's drunk and was absolutely insisting he would find a way home somehow.

I'm worried, really worried. I'm also pissed off as I will obviously get no sleep tonight and I've got a very busy day at work tomorrow.

What a fucking idiot. Agggghhhh!

OP posts:
Cherryblossoms85 · 27/02/2023 10:51

HangingOver · 27/02/2023 09:42

Oh god used to do this A LOT when I got my first job in the city. Spent more than one night at Liverpool Street talking to the other drinks who'd missed the last train and waiting for the 5am!

Yes, me too, when I was 25 and had no kids or other responsibilities apart from my entry level job I could do standing on my head. I find this quite worrying in a father with responsibilities though, and it doesn't sound terribly one-off either.

BellePeppa · 27/02/2023 10:54

billy1966 · 27/02/2023 10:23

You have children and he is displaying alcohol issues?.

For yourself and your child, take it seriously.

If he doesn't take on board what you say and act on it, take it that he does actually have a bit of an issue and protect yourself.

Drinkers in denial only go one way, they get worse.

So many women put their head in the sand and find themselves in a bad place within a couple of years.....children being raised in an alcoholic home and the wife trying to do it all.

Take the time to lean into how you REALLY feel about his drinking and how much he does.

A one off night of stupidity is NOT what I am talking about here.

Protect yourself and listen to your gut.

This absolutely (been there, as I suspect this poster has). His drinking too much doesn’t sound like a one off. You need to really start observing what his drinking habits are and compare them to what they used to be in the early days. If they’ve progressed be warned because it will only get worse.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 10:54

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 10:42

but he is bloody minded when he's drunk

How frequently does he get bloody-minded drunk, OP?

He drinks less than he did but still regularly, and sometimes to excess - but not to the blotto level as per last night, which is probably around 6 times a year (It used to be more often but I did.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 10:54

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 27/02/2023 10:49

Oh god. I am often the drunk people herder on days out as I don't drink, and making a drunk person see sense when travelling is IMPOSSIBLE! E.g. we are right by Victoria station, you need to turn right to go into the station - Drunk Friend declares we're going the wrong way and need to turn round and retrace our steps - I'm pointing at the station that's RIGHT THERE. It's like they go deaf to all good sense and their inner beer goblin has taken control of the joystick.

Yup.

The occasional episode can be recounted with hilarity, but when it gets regular it's nothing but a bore & a worry.

Like the drunk I was herding one night in our relative youth, who also insisted he knew the way to turn, & whose strength even when shitfaced overpowered mine. His choice of turn took us off the pavement & under a moving car.

A splendid night in hospital, ha fucking ha, nothing to get worked uo about eh Cool Girls?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 10:58

inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 10:54

He drinks less than he did but still regularly, and sometimes to excess - but not to the blotto level as per last night, which is probably around 6 times a year (It used to be more often but I did.

Show quote history

Oh OP.

He needs to start hearing you. The fact that he won't admit this is a problem, is a problem in itself.

Have as good a day as you can, don't bother tackling him about it until you feel good & ready. But when you do, tell him it's becoming a dealbreaker, & listen very carefully to how he responds.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 11:00

Sorry - pressed post accidentally:

... but I did speak to him about it as he was being an absolute shit to me when he was pissed (just nasty - nothing physical, but unpleasant nonetheless) and he accepted/understood and reduced his intake and was conscious of not getting to that stage again.

He may be slipping back into his old ways again. As I said earlier on in the thread, I have recently told him my concerns (in as understanding and non-confrontational a way as I could), so it's not like he doesn't know.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 27/02/2023 11:11

pleased he got back. I know you don't need this saying but it's so unattractive a trait.
I mean gettting a bit merry occsionally that's fine. But if he ends up using joint money (was it?) getting a horrendously expensive taxi just because he couldn't control his drinking that's over the line IMO. It's always difficult to get home by public transport on sunday nights. You have to leave earlier than usual. It's just how it is.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:13

He may be slipping back into his old ways again. As I said earlier on in the thread, I have recently told him my concerns (in as understanding and non-confrontational a way as I could), so it's not like he doesn't know.

Don't allow fear of confrontation to stop you from having a very forthright discussion with him, when you feel you are ready to.

The discussion doesn't need to get derailed by him protesting that he dislikes the way you deliver it. If he gives you pushback for not being understanding and non-confrontational, tell him you are happy to confront him if it either A) makes his see sense, & stop getting shitfaced B) makes him confess that he has no plans to change, so that you can make YOUR plans accordingly.

In the privacy of your own head, have a long, cold think about your preferred options, if he escalates (frankly, even if he maintains - because 6 episodes like this a year are maybe not something you want to continue enduring).
What happens if he starts losing clients, or staff, or control of his business due to his drinking? Would it be better to cut your losses before that starts to happen, & you get dragged down with him? What is the value/equity in your home, what other assets do you have, can you afford to support yourself & DC without any contribution from a failed business?
Horrible, stark questions to put to yourself - but they need to be asked.
I'll repeat something I wrote upthread - my drunk cost me my home.
Don't let it get that far for you & your children. You'd be better of quitting while you're ahead.

Sorry to be so doomy, but all the glib remarks on your thread from PP who are Cool Girling & minimising the horrendous consequences on a committed drunk's family have pissed me right off (pun intended). No need for you to take any action yet - just get yourself ready for the prospect of action. You & DC don't deserve to lose out to a drunk.

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 11:14

Do your employees generally work Sundays? Not sure I’d have been too enthusiastic about a work event being scheduled on a Sunday! 😂

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/02/2023 11:15

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 08:33

Jesus this is the kind of crap I wouldn't even tolerate from my 17 year old son, never mind a husband.

This, and I certainly wouldn’t be losing sleep trying to plan his route home. He’s a big boy OP and you’re not his mother.

AllOfThemWitches · 27/02/2023 11:17

Im genuinely shocked that no one has suggested he's having an affair yet!

LocationLocationLocomotion · 27/02/2023 11:18

Justcallmebebes · 27/02/2023 07:14

And he's the boss of the company?? I would not be at all impressed by a grown man who gets so drunk at a work function for his own company he can't get himself home. It's hardly attractive

Listen to yourself

Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:41

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 10:48

It bothers people who've lived with alcoholics. They know too much about how fast it can spiral downwards, & the impact it has on family & financial security.

Show quote history

I've grown up with alcoholics, attend Al Anon and if this was a one off I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:42

AllOfThemWitches · 27/02/2023 11:17

Im genuinely shocked that no one has suggested he's having an affair yet!

Or told the OP to get her ducks in a row.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 11:44

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 11:14

Do your employees generally work Sundays? Not sure I’d have been too enthusiastic about a work event being scheduled on a Sunday! 😂

No, it's the only day they're all off at the same time. It's an opportunity for us to come together and celebrate as we can't over the festive period as we're so busy. It's essentially a Christmas party with food and drink and some form of entertainment and they often go on somewhere else once the formal festivities are over - which is what DH did. They could do without their boss getting smashed though. It isn't a compulsory event - they can come if they want to, and they usually do.

OP posts:
Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:44

Oh OK if he makes a habit of it that's a different issue

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:45

Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:41

I've grown up with alcoholics, attend Al Anon and if this was a one off I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Show quote history

Thanks for your kind concern about why it bothers me. Very kind of you to pop in just to announce your coolness with it.

Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:55

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:45

Thanks for your kind concern about why it bothers me. Very kind of you to pop in just to announce your coolness with it.

Show quote history

I think it's extremely important not to judge everyone's behaviour through the lens of one's own trauma.

Catcharolo · 27/02/2023 12:13

You aren’t his mum! I don’t think you should be “having words” with him. If my Dh had words with me because I got drunk and missed my trains, and then got a taxi back and went to bed..I’d laugh in his face, literally. It’s annoying, yeah it’s not very grown up, but even sensible, normal grown ups do weird/mad/ridiculous things very occasionally.
If you think he genuinely has a drinking problem then if course you need to talk to him and sort it out, but it doesn’t sound like you think he does. He’s just another pissed up middle aged parent who got carried away. I’m sure he won’t do it again. Just leave him be! Don’t have ‘words’..it’s seriously cringe.

billy1966 · 27/02/2023 12:28

OP,
He has been verbally abusive with drink in the past and drinks regularly and heavily, resulting in 6 times a year in a similar state...AKA every two months.

He is putting himself, the family and everything you have both worked for at risk.

He is certainly making a show of himself in front of his employees too.

I would think he is in the danger zone with his drinking.

I hope you can help him see that.

Either way, I hope your contraception is bullet proof and you protect yourself.

Scenario's like this can sadly often end badly.

Rabblemum · 27/02/2023 12:29

I don't believe in rescuing drunk adults. Your hubby decided to drink like a teenager, let him take the consequences

Hubby will find his own way home and hopefully learn his lesson.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/02/2023 13:36

billy1966 · 27/02/2023 12:28

OP,
He has been verbally abusive with drink in the past and drinks regularly and heavily, resulting in 6 times a year in a similar state...AKA every two months.

He is putting himself, the family and everything you have both worked for at risk.

He is certainly making a show of himself in front of his employees too.

I would think he is in the danger zone with his drinking.

I hope you can help him see that.

Either way, I hope your contraception is bullet proof and you protect yourself.

Scenario's like this can sadly often end badly.

Oh yes - contraception, whilst not infallible, is as sorted as it can get.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/02/2023 14:00

You aren’t his mum! I don’t think you should be “having words” with him. If my Dh had words with me because I got drunk and missed my trains, and then got a taxi back and went to bed..I’d laugh in his face, literally

Yes I completely agree.

All these posts saying the op needs to have words with him.....like he's a teenage child who has got pissed at a party.

Do people really have relationships like this?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 14:16

Fredoraly · 27/02/2023 11:55

I think it's extremely important not to judge everyone's behaviour through the lens of one's own trauma.

Show quote history

I think it's extremely important to be able to hold more than one concept in your brain simultaneously. It's entirely possible to understand, & even hold, more than one lens to view behaviours through.

Whataretheodds · 27/02/2023 14:18

There is no minimum frequency threshold for alcoholism. If the drinking is causing problems, it's a problem.