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Original poster

Two children... when does it get less awful?

72 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 25/02/2023 10:22

I have a 2y4m DS and a three week old DD. I love them both dearly and I absolutely loved motherhood right up until late pregnancy when the discomfort and exhaustion made everything a slog.

DS is being brilliant with the baby and we're doing everything to make sure he feels loved and included. He hasnt shown any jealousy so far and hes v interested in and affectionate with the baby.

But oh my gosh, I'm hating it. Every day lasts a decade. I don't have a second where someone isn't demanding something from me. DP is doing the lion's share with the toddler so I can feed the baby (breastfed) when he's here but I have both on my own for two days (DS is at nursery 3 days) and dread it. I feel overwhelmed and emotionally / physically exhausted. I'm not enjoying it at all this time and I hate myself for it because I love my boy so much, but 2 year old tantrums on little sleep are so draining.

Does it get any better?

OP posts:
DancingDaughter50 · 25/02/2023 11:24

Yes of course it gets better, don't worry.

But I know what you mean the sheer mental emotional and physical exhaustion... It feels like minutes are hours.

I found the easier times was when toddler was safely occupied so toddler groups, soft play etc.

That was the only time I could get a much needed breather.

Also having something to cling onto eg he does three morning now, but when can that increase so you keep telling yourself only 1 month.
In summer think about holiday clubs it's what I did as sahm it was a treat for myself to have the odd day where she was at holiday club.

BevMarsh · 25/02/2023 11:30

Things will improve once the toddler gets to nursery and it will be bliss once toddler is at school and little one goes to nursery.
18mo gap between my dc.
In the meantime I suggest getting out in the community as much as you possibly can. I know logistics can be a nightmare but it fills the day and will tire them out.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 25/02/2023 11:31

It sure does, when they get to nursery/school age it's much better.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 2 year olds Babies & sleep Families
35965a · 25/02/2023 11:31

It does get better but it takes a good while, unfortunately. Once the younger is a bit more independent it is miles easier.

milkmonitor20 · 25/02/2023 11:32

At that age, accept that one of them will be crying. Pick which one.

It is purely survival when they're so tiny - it's exhausting and unbearable at times but you're not alone and things do get better. I promise.

Mine are now 6 and 4 and we're well through that phase. They still have their moments but I'm much happier than I was that first year.

89ghud · 25/02/2023 11:34

2 year gap will be tricky at the start but it won't be forever. I always found the magic age to be around 3, as much as people like to terrify parents with the threenager business they start to get much more independent by that age; (hopefully) sleeping, potty trained, eating independently, no pushchair, walking up to their own car seat, can actually tell you what they need, funded hours in pre school. So by the time my youngest was 3 it didn't feel as relentless, but obviously it will get gradually better before then!

Dondigdu · 25/02/2023 11:39

It definetly does get better, promise!

I had my DS when my DD was 22 months old. Because of when her birthday was, DD wasnt eligible for the nursery hours until DS was 5 months old 😅 it was hard bloody work at first

I ended up really depressed because I found it so hard. Between a baby who fed every 2 hours and a stroppy toddler who no longer napped I was so tired. Constantly. It wasnt a fun time at one point

But honestly, everyday got a little easier than the last. The more independent DD got, the older DS got, the easier it got all round.

When DS was around 12 months old I was still finding it hard ( was a single mum from DS being born ) so I ended up booking him in nursery 1/2 a day, twice a week. It helped so much just being able to get some me time. Do you have family around who could potentially take one or both one afternoon every now and then?

Mine are 8 and 6 now and the hardest thing to deal with is the arguing between them 🤣

Jmommy · 25/02/2023 11:40

I was in your shoes few years ago. It was intense and still is at 2 & 4 yo, sorry to say 😁However, I could leave the kids to DH from when my DD was about two months old so I could get 2-3hrs free time here and there. That helped a lot! I would bf right before getting out of the door and then again as soon as I got back. You should be able to start getting little breaks soon. Have your DH take both kids out for a stroll while baby sleeps or get yourself to a cafe for some quiet time. As said, still intense but nothing like the very first weeks as mum of two!

elizzza · 25/02/2023 11:44

I have two with a similar gap to you. It’s really hard at the beginning but all you’ve got to do right now is survive this big. I’d say when the little one gets to about 6 months so they can interact with the big one more, you start to get lovely moments. I have a video of DS2 sitting in his high chair laughing his head off while DS1 runs around him pulling faces to make him laugh that I love so much because I can see the start of their connection. When they get bit bigger it’s a lovely age gap - mine are now 5 and 3 and such good friends, they’ll disappear off to their bedroom to play together for hours. I work part time and on my day off with DS2 he’s counting down the hours until we pick his brother up from school.

TheaBrandt · 25/02/2023 11:47

I can’t even remember that stage my brain has erased it as too traumatic. Primary years are fab and my teens are great company so hang on in there

Favouritefruits · 25/02/2023 11:58

I found it easier when mine where 1 and 3 as I had a bit of time when my eldest went to nursery for his 15 hours and the one year old slept much better. It’s a bit of a blur those first few months as it’s so hard and tiring, mine are now 8 and 5 and it’s so easy, they play together, entertain each other and are into the same sort of things. Good luck, things will ease!

Girasoli · 25/02/2023 11:59

Mine are 3 and 6 now and though DH and I are still tired (both work ft), I feel like this is a really lovely stage and the DC make us laugh every day.

This morning DH was in the kitchen and mentioned "I'll make tacos with the mince tomorrow" and both DC from different rooms immediately started singing the "it's raining tacos" song and dancing about. 😆

BigusBumus1 · 25/02/2023 12:00

It does get much better, can your son go to nursery / grandparents to give you a break? TBH I loved babies but being at home for 4 years doing babygroups and watching CBeebies drove me insane. Skipped off to work when last son went to school and loved that whole time of primary school.

Late teenage years on the other hand have been fcking awful. I actually envy you right now! Big hugs x

whiteroseredrose · 25/02/2023 12:01

It may get worse for a bit when they hate each other. However mine were fine after starting secondary school.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 25/02/2023 12:06

Toddler is already in nursery 3 full days pw!

OP posts:
Theelephantinthecastle · 25/02/2023 12:07

Being totally honest, I found it toughest when they were 3 and 1, both mobile, both demanding.

But newborn and 2 was really hard too.

Can your DP take a day off a week for a while? Mine did so that I didn't have so many days with both on my own.

I think it gets a smidge easier once the little one isn't feeding as frequently.

My main tips are:

sling - especially getting out to parks and playgrounds to tire out the 2 year old. my babies were so content in a sling

Playgroups of the church hall variety - the vicar's wife at ours was always up for a baby cuddle so you could play with your toddler for a bit

Relax about screen time

minipie · 25/02/2023 12:10

We have this age gap.

It will be better in 4-6 months’ time - DC1 will have come on a lot in terms of what they can do, understanding, speech, self control etc, and baby will be easier.

It will be a LOT better once the youngest hits two. That’s when the benefits of having two really kicked in for us, as they started to play together.

And then it’s all up from there IME, with the odd downhill day of course! (We haven’t hit the teens yet mind you…)

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 25/02/2023 12:11

You're all very kind, thank you. I miss enjoying my boy, it just feels so overwhelming right now.

OP posts:
Notoironing · 25/02/2023 12:19

I had that age gap with my first two, it was soooo hard. I got my older one in childcare 5 days a week until 3pm which really helped. She was too young for preschool. If you can’t get any extra childcare then find something to get you all out of the house for a bit each day even if just the morning for an hour or so to tire them out. I had a double buggy and if it all got too much id strap them in and just walk until they were asleep then go to the pub :) do whatever you can to get through each day. Have some chocs or something once they are in bed each day and your favourite on tv and pat yourself on the back and I absolutely promise it will be worth it. My children are now 4,7 and 9 and life is wonderful and they are so much fun.

Notoironing · 25/02/2023 12:21

Also when I look back I wish I had asked for help more. Even if it has just been to enable me to have a shower on those days or go for a walk alone. My dm lives nearby and would visit for an hour or so once a week but I wish I had said please mind them while I have a wash rather than get washed beforehand whilst they were all screaming!!!

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 12:47

Mine are 7 and 5 now and generally it's easy!

You are still recovering from the birth and establishing breastfeeding so please be kind to yourself!

I found getting out helped! I took ds1 to loads of classes so that I could just feed DS2 ( or leave him snoozing in thr pram in the corner of the room!).

Depending on where you are I also signed up for yearly passes to the aquarium and centre for life so always had somewhere to go on a rainy day!

Olaftree · 25/02/2023 12:54

It’s all consuming for a while and I definitely struggled with PPD afterwards for a while. My two are now 5 and 7 and I’m watching them happily dance in the swimming pool with kids club on holiday! They love each other and they are great company.
I also have a 1 year old who is extremely hard work but that’s another story… 🤣
He is proof it got easier I guess as I wanted another!

Twizbe · 25/02/2023 12:59

It really does get better. I had a slightly smaller age gap and that first year or so is TOUGH!

I found the days with both of them were better if we got out for the day.

It also got easier once baby settled into more of a pattern with feeding so around 3 months old.

They are 6 and 4 now and it's those early days are like a distant (slightly bad) memory. It's soooo much easier now

Fipfop · 25/02/2023 13:00

I can't remember exactly when it was but it didn't take too long. Once baby was a bit more reactive and a bit more sturdy I relaxed a bit.

Don't know if it's an option but I changed my girls preschool to 5 mornings a week. Has given me more structure to the day and I get some quiet 1:1 time with the baby every morning and a shorter amount of time with both in the afternoon so it's not too chaotic.

Sleepyquest · 25/02/2023 13:01

I have the same age gap but I'm a year ahead of you. Things don't get 'easier' but they are different. Less demands on my time I suppose but a lot of emotions with our 3 yo and lots of sleep issues too.
The newborn stage flies by the second time round so before you know it you'll have a sitting baby.
Sorry to hear you're hating it, it's tough.