Two children... when does it get less awful?

[roarfeckingroarr]

I have a 2y4m DS and a three week old DD. I love them both dearly and I absolutely loved motherhood right up until late pregnancy when the discomfort and exhaustion made everything a slog.

DS is being brilliant with the baby and we're doing everything to make sure he feels loved and included. He hasnt shown any jealousy so far and hes v interested in and affectionate with the baby.

But oh my gosh, I'm hating it. Every day lasts a decade. I don't have a second where someone isn't demanding something from me. DP is doing the lion's share with the toddler so I can feed the baby (breastfed) when he's here but I have both on my own for two days (DS is at nursery 3 days) and dread it. I feel overwhelmed and emotionally / physically exhausted. I'm not enjoying it at all this time and I hate myself for it because I love my boy so much, but 2 year old tantrums on little sleep are so draining.

Does it get any better?

It gets massively better! You just need to survive these early days. One day at a time. Try to extract some enjoyment from each day. Just little things - the sunshine; the rain; the fresh air; your lovely little boy; your baby's first smile...

All those days add up to months, then years - and time seems to accelerate as one gets older. A decade can feel shorter than a year used to feel!

I've got a 2.5yo and a 3mo baby. I cannot handle them.
I don't think I've spent more than 1hr with them both at the same time since baby was born 🫣
I'm just waiting till the baby has less bloody naps.
I hope you've got lots of help, cleaner, help with cooking etc.

It definitely gets much easier very soon - don't forget that you're still physically recovering from the birth even if it was a straightforward one, and your newborn is still adjusting to being outside the womb and to feeding. It'll be much easier six weeks in, and an absolute doddle six months in.

Mine are all teens now - there are some nasty competitive misery parents who'll try and tell you that whatever stage they're at is harder than whatever stage you're at, but actually nothing is harder than sleep deprivation with a newborn and small wakeful toddler - but it doesn't last long (even if the baby doesn't sleep through until they're older it's easier once you're not cluster feeding).

In six weeks you'll probably be able to get out and about to groups and playgrounds (the weather will be more amenable too) and if your baby likes being in a sling you can actually carry on pretty much as you did before the baby was born.

Oh OP- I was you a couple of years ago. There was a 15 month gap between my two and I struggled- A LOT. They're now 4 and 5 and I've only recently started enjoying them. Until now, it's been all about survival.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. So sorry it's feeling so hard at the moment.

Do you have a stretchy wrap sling for the little one? My best times were with the baby contented and sleeping on me in the wrap, so my hands were free.

Then I'd stick a hat on (to cover my unwashed hair) chew some gum instead of brushing teeth (I know, I know) and put the toddler in the buggy and get outside.

I felt so much better in the fresh air with some (pale, wintry) sun on my face.

Toddler would run in the park and I sat on the bench with baby in the sling (and may have cried a bit). It was much better than being cooped up at home all day.

If definitely gets easier and I agree with PPs - ask for help, see if toddler can go for any 'playdates' with mum friends on his days out of nursery? Also reach out to non-mum friends; we have a lovely neighbour who used to call by and take my toddler with her when she went out walking her dog - DS loved the dog who was elderly and slow so they were about the same pace :) Our lovely neighbour enjoyed it too as her kids are all grown up now, so toddler-time was a fun novelty!

Be kind to yourself, it IS hard, you are doing great. It will get easier and you will sleep again! Wish you all the best.

I mean. Of course it gets better 🙄 you're 3 weeks in. I've got an 18m age gap and it all starts to get better once the second can sit.

I think give it a bit longer than 21 days 🤦🏼‍♀️

@DuploMum what an awful comment.

When you're in the thick of it, it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

OP just needs some reassurance, not eye-rolling.

6 months ime. I had a similar gap and once DC2 could sit/crawl/pass objects, etc everything got much better.

I remember one day when I was sat feeding DC2 while DC1 did a massive shit on the potty in the middle of the living room. I had to stare at that turd for a good 20 minutes. Remember thinking "I've had better days..."

My two are 11 & 9 now and it's absolutely brilliant!

I think I was around your stage when I put my toddler I to nursery, strapped my boobs down and turned up on my mum's door step with baby and bottles of expressed milk. I took myself off for the day, I remember sobbing in a cafe and a lovely older lady sat and spoke to me. I know I was lucky I could do that, I did go back a few hours later but mostly cause my boobs were exploding. My mum and baby were fine. I just found it all so hard. I put my oldest in nursery 2 days a week which helped, when I got in a routine it was easier. It got significantly better when both were in school for me. I adore my children but I've never particularly enjoyed parenting sadly. My oldest also has additional needs which made things alot harder. Kids are much older now which brings different issues but I think I Def have a level of PTSD from the early days. So I just want to say I hear you xxx

Lol!

At least it was in the potty

By about 6 weeks you'll find it gets easier, the exhaustion of giving birth is over and you get into a pattern. Mine are slightly closer together and it wasn't easy especially as exh worked 11 hour days 6 days a week .

I found getting out really helped give structure to the day and saved my sanity. I started back at baby groups after a couple of weeks, I highly recommend. Dd2 fed really easily compared to her big sister too

I'm in week 15 of two. My 2.5 year old was really challenging at first but then has quickly adapted. I would say that the last couple of months have been a doddle compared to the first. Hang on in there!!!!

DD2 is nearly 11m and DD1 is just three, and it’s loads easier already, has been for a while yet. It already feels like we’re coming through the tough baby years, and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It’ll get better, honestly.

I felt exactly the same. My sister told me to hang on for 6 weeks, then it gets easier again an 3 months, 6 months and 9months. By a year it was great fun and we even had a 3rd although we waited till the older 2 were at school. The days are long, very long, but the years do fly by!

I have a 22 month age gap and felt exactly the same as you in the beginning. I still do sometimes when my house has been made a mess of and they're tired!

Mine are now 2 & 4 and life is beginning to resemble something much closer to what I thought it would be 🤣 we still have tough days but on the whole life is pleasant and we can now do normal days out.

In the early days I kept thinking that women are doing other women a disservice by not sharing how tough it is! Obviously, it may just be my experience but I felt like it was so much harder than I was expecting it to be.

It is tough and relentless but you're still in the very early days. Like a PP I definitely found getting out at times easier but on my own terms. It will get easier 6/12 weeks and then again around weaning and now at 2 it's much easier! My eldest at 4 is great and so much fun! I can't wait for them to be 4 & 6 - without wishing their little lives away obviously!

Hang in there xxxx

I’m 6 weeks in and have the same age gap. My little boy is in nursery 8-3 for 3 days a week and like you I have them both for 2 days. It’s so so tough and even yesterday I cried my eyes hot with exhaustion. But there are snippets of hope- last night we got a lot more sleep and I feel a hell of a lot better today. I even expressed milk into a bottle and went out to a lash appointment this morning, first time I’ve done something by and for myself. Hang in there x

Loved having one baby. Adored my mat leave, hated going back.
Had a second when 1st was 2.5+ and it was the opposite. I was wrecked. Always saying hang on a minute to someone and it's the hardest thing I've done.
Now the youngest is 3.5+ they're getting along, we do things as a family rather than me and DH battling 2 kids we have! I'm starting to enjoy being a mum again and they're really good company plus funny as fuck!

Mine are about to turn 2, and 3.5. Since Christmas things have felt a lot easier. They can play together and I can ignore them for short periods now. As DS gets better at talking I can only see it getting better!

Getting out of the house in the early days defo made a difference. A church baby group (cheap!) in the morning to occupy the toddler and then by the time you're home and had lunch the afternoon doesn't seem so daunting. I wouldn't have signed up for any expensive classes cos I'd have been annoyed if we missed them and sometimes getting out the door is such a challenge.

It will get better, promise!

In about 3 years when youngest is reliably potty trained.

Following! I’ve got a 4yo and a 10 week old, who thankfully is a content potato baby who’s mostly asleep in the sling or feeding, so we don’t have the “one will always be crying” thing. But fuck it’s relentless: the minute the baby is handed off to someone else, the 4yo wants to sit on me or have her hair done or whatever; once she’s in bed the baby wants to clusterfeed all evening then cosleep all night. Their dad took the older one out this morning but I spent that time feeding, then napping the baby in the sling, then making lunch – as soon as lunch was over he needed another feed, then my daughter wanted something, and on and on and on. There’s no sitting down or taking stock or breathing, and my DP is brilliant but I’m deeply jealous he gets alone time in the evenings once the baby is down (the baby only sleeps if snuggled next to me). I’m constantly in a low-level murderous RAGE that would be solved if, for half an hour every day, everyone just FUCKED OFF and was QUIET. I’m determined to do strict bastard Gina Ford routines and cot naps and rule with an iron fist this time around just so I can exist as a human without a small human hanging off me, otherwise I will go MAD.

Lack of sleep was always the worst part of parenting for me. Once baby is doing most of her sleeping during the night so that you are more rested,I’m sure that you will be able to cope with your DS’s tantrums etc much easier.

You're at a hard stage, then it'll ease up a bit when baby is out of newborn. Then it gets hard again around 8mo onwards when they're crawling & starting to walk. Then it gets worse when you have double tantrums - 3year and 1year old are pretty hectic. It's mixed in with some lovely parts though - seeing them running around together and starting to play is nice. Basically it's all just hard work.

My mantra used to be that if only one of the DC was crying then I was doing well! It can be so tough as they both need so much care & attention. Do you have any friends with similar aged DC? Fortunately for me (and I realise your DC1 was born in Covid so this may not apply), most of my NCT group had similar age gaps and so we muddled through together. There might be one of us pushing three or four toddlers on a swing whilst the three others were feeding their babies, perhaps with one of them jiggling the baby of the one pushing the swing!
That was a decade ago for us and I'm so glad I had that age gap as we've had brilliant times over the years with them having similar interests.

I’ve got a 2y11m old and a 12w old and I swear I cry more than they do! It really resonated with me when you said you miss quality time with your eldest- I feel like that too! A couple of days ago I was really down and struggling to keep my mood/energy up to play with her after a torrid time trying to settle the little one for his nap, was on the verge of tears YET AGAIN, and she said ‘I don’t want to see you mummy, I want to see daddy’. She never ever wants daddy (or anyone) more than she wants me 🙁 felt absolutely heartbroken! But after a bit more sleep I’ve had some better days emotionally and she is back to being a mummy’s girl again.

What I will say is that now baby’s feeds seem more distinct (before I never really knew when he was ‘finished’ or when he would ask for more milk, so I felt totally chained to him), and now he is more content to lie on his playmat or sit in his bouncy chair for a bit, I have started to feel more like a legitimate mother-of-two. I have have even had some tiny glimmers of hope that I can do this and actually enjoy the feeling of having two of them to love!

Sending lots of hugs, solidarity and the usual mantra of it will get better!!! 💐🍫

It does get easier. Eventually, I built two things into my day. OH would do breakfast and 1 could get up, shower and have a poo without someone shouting me.

And as soon as I got children to sleep, I would force myself to scoot round for 10 minutes before I stopped. Once I sat down, I was done. Chuck a wash on, get lunchboxes/water bottles done etc, clear the floor and that was it. It was purely psychological- that thing of just getting things straight for the next day seemed to help.

It will just change, that's all. I'm now trying to help my eldest work out revision for chemistry GCSE and it is making my head hurt.