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Original poster

Is this situation normal or acceptable?

76 replies

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 04:50

Hi! Wondering what you thought.

Married couple, no children. The husband works in the office and wife works from home.

Husband often goes to his mum's house after dinner as his wife would already have cooked for herself or eaten at her mom's by the time he got back home.

Son also brings his and his wife's laundry to his mum's as it "gets too much for the two of them".

Wife barely gets involved with husband's family, doesn't feel like seeing them more often than not.
Her family invites husband over but she doesn't pass the message on to him as it would, in her words, be awkward as he has dietary restrictions (doesn't have meat).

OP posts:
SkyHippoOnACloud · 23/02/2023 04:56

It's weird. Neither of them seem to care about their own families or each others. They might see their own families but they're not caring about their feelings and they're using them. Her for meals, him for laundry. If it's too much they should get a cleaner. They're tight and lazy. Most people work full time and manage housework too. They don't even work as a team in their marriage, do they even care much about each other? It's good there's no DC, I suspect they'd be emotionally neglected and left to fend for themselves physically too much. I suspect the couple would put their own wants before the needs of any DC.

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 05:00

It all sounds a bit odd and disjointed... and why is the MIL doing all the laundry? Do the couple actually care for each other and enjoy each other's company?

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:01

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 04:50

Hi! Wondering what you thought.

Married couple, no children. The husband works in the office and wife works from home.

Husband often goes to his mum's house after dinner as his wife would already have cooked for herself or eaten at her mom's by the time he got back home.

Son also brings his and his wife's laundry to his mum's as it "gets too much for the two of them".

Wife barely gets involved with husband's family, doesn't feel like seeing them more often than not.
Her family invites husband over but she doesn't pass the message on to him as it would, in her words, be awkward as he has dietary restrictions (doesn't have meat).

Sorry I meant he goes to his mum's house after work for dinner

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 23/02/2023 05:07

So the couple don't really spend them together? Whats the point of the relationship then?

They both seem to be just using family members for their own gain

itwasntmetho · 23/02/2023 05:09

Stop cooking for your son and doing his washing, he can do both of these things.

they’re marriage might be based on shared interests rather than shared domestic chores, does he seem happy?

isthismylifenow · 23/02/2023 05:09

Are you the mother of the husband ?

I do find the not eating meals together as a couple quite odd.

Donnashair · 23/02/2023 05:13

It seems odd to me . I am imagining people on the outside don’t have the full story, though.

Like is the washing ‘too much for them’ or is the man simply expected to do his own washing, so takes it too his mums.

Lots of people have relationships that wouldn’t work for me. It all comes down to how the 2 people in the relationship feel.

2crossedout1 · 23/02/2023 05:15

It's unusual but the question is are they both happy with it? Or would one or both of them like things to be different (eg eating together more often)?

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:16

itwasntmetho · 23/02/2023 05:09

Stop cooking for your son and doing his washing, he can do both of these things.

they’re marriage might be based on shared interests rather than shared domestic chores, does he seem happy?

No he isn't, they've talked about it but she's not happy changing the set up

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:17

Donnashair · 23/02/2023 05:13

It seems odd to me . I am imagining people on the outside don’t have the full story, though.

Like is the washing ‘too much for them’ or is the man simply expected to do his own washing, so takes it too his mums.

Lots of people have relationships that wouldn’t work for me. It all comes down to how the 2 people in the relationship feel.

It's both his and his wife's washing

OP posts:
Quirrelsotherface · 23/02/2023 05:19

Going back to parents for meals and to have your washing done, they sound like two students, late teens or early twenties, in a house share.

Hillrunning · 23/02/2023 05:19

Why doesn't he change the set up then? He can do the laundry and cook himself food when he gets home and eat it while chatting to her about her day. No need to go running to mummy

Donnashair · 23/02/2023 05:24

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:17

It's both his and his wife's washing

Show quote history

Why is the mother doing it? Why can’t he or she keep on top of it? Why does he do he own and let her sort herself out?

That sounds like neither of them have entirely grown up and can’t run a household.

If he isn’t happy it’s irrelevant if it’s odd or what people think. It’s not working for him.

isthismylifenow · 23/02/2023 05:26

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:17

It's both his and his wife's washing

Show quote history

Why are you doing it though?

The first change can be you not being so accommodating.

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 05:26

How old are the couple? You do hear about some young couples who don't seem to grasp that getting married and setting up home together means starting a new life and not returning to their original home so frequently ... I read on here about couples who spend Christmas with their respective individual families rather than each other.

However everyone is different... the situation wouldn't suit me as a wife or as the mother to an adult son. But I do know people who can't seem to 'let go' of their adult DC and seem to want to be involved in every aspect of their life which to me sounds suffocating (on both sides).

SpringIntoChaos · 23/02/2023 05:36

Well you're just facilitating this set up aren't you? Back off and send your son home to his wife!

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:38

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 05:26

How old are the couple? You do hear about some young couples who don't seem to grasp that getting married and setting up home together means starting a new life and not returning to their original home so frequently ... I read on here about couples who spend Christmas with their respective individual families rather than each other.

However everyone is different... the situation wouldn't suit me as a wife or as the mother to an adult son. But I do know people who can't seem to 'let go' of their adult DC and seem to want to be involved in every aspect of their life which to me sounds suffocating (on both sides).

They are 25 and 26. You are right that they do spend Christmas and holidays with their respective families

OP posts:
wildseas · 23/02/2023 05:44

If he’s not happy with the setup but not changing it that feels a bit odd because it seems to me that’s something completely under his control.

Does he truly understand that things like washing and cooking are his responsibility? Or when he talks about changing it does he mean that he wants his wife to do the laundry and have a meal on the table for him?

How are other jobs split in their marriage? Who cleans the bathroom? Cleans the fridge? Who notices the cleaning products are running out and replaces them? If the answer to those questions is her then laundry is his job and he’s outsourcing it to his mum rather than taking responsibility.

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:48

wildseas · 23/02/2023 05:44

If he’s not happy with the setup but not changing it that feels a bit odd because it seems to me that’s something completely under his control.

Does he truly understand that things like washing and cooking are his responsibility? Or when he talks about changing it does he mean that he wants his wife to do the laundry and have a meal on the table for him?

How are other jobs split in their marriage? Who cleans the bathroom? Cleans the fridge? Who notices the cleaning products are running out and replaces them? If the answer to those questions is her then laundry is his job and he’s outsourcing it to his mum rather than taking responsibility.

He does about 90% of the cooking when they do eat together.

He wants to change the set up in the sense that he would like to come to her family more often and for her to come to his family more often.

He wants them to spend holidays together too.

OP posts:
CupEmpty · 23/02/2023 05:49

It might be that the laundry is his chore,
and she does the cleaning for example. Then he just brings it all to you.

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:50

CupEmpty · 23/02/2023 05:49

It might be that the laundry is his chore,
and she does the cleaning for example. Then he just brings it all to you.

Not sure about who puts the load in, but they usually hang the clothes and fold them away together

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:50

As for the rest of the chores, she does all the cleaning

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 23/02/2023 05:51

Yeah I bet you don’t know the full story.

What you do know is that your son can’t be arsed cooking or doing his own laundry. Is he even contributing any ingredients? Does he care that your energy bills are higher?

I get the sense you’re trying to blame the daughter in law. But avoiding seeing your son’s behaviour which is right under your nose.

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 05:54

CiderJolly · 23/02/2023 05:51

Yeah I bet you don’t know the full story.

What you do know is that your son can’t be arsed cooking or doing his own laundry. Is he even contributing any ingredients? Does he care that your energy bills are higher?

I get the sense you’re trying to blame the daughter in law. But avoiding seeing your son’s behaviour which is right under your nose.

He isn't my son and she isn't my daughter in law.

They are my friends, I knew they were unhappy but he complained to me about the situation and they're looking for a solution

OP posts:
wildseas · 23/02/2023 05:58

Even in this reply it feels very much like he is waiting for her to organise their family stuff and holidays rather than taking responsibility himself.

My suspicion is that he’s expecting her to do “wife work “ and that she’s having none of it. Cooking 90 percent of the time they eat together isn’t half the work of running a house.

If he would like to jointly see more of family then his best bet would be to invite both families to his (either together or separately). He could clean the house, buy the ingredients, cook a nice meal for everyone and clear up.

If he would like to spend more holiday time with his wife the he could suggest that they go on holiday together, look for a few nice options online, ask her which she prefers, book it, do all the sorting of things like insurance and currency etc.

I know it’s tricky if you’re his mum in this scenario- we all want to be on our child’s side - but in your position I would be asking him about the split of work at home and explaining that every day he doesn’t do his half is like telling his wife he values himself more than he vales her.