Is this situation normal or acceptable?

[Mercurio]

Hi! Wondering what you thought.

Married couple, no children. The husband works in the office and wife works from home.

Husband often goes to his mum's house after dinner as his wife would already have cooked for herself or eaten at her mom's by the time he got back home.

Son also brings his and his wife's laundry to his mum's as it "gets too much for the two of them".

Wife barely gets involved with husband's family, doesn't feel like seeing them more often than not.
Her family invites husband over but she doesn't pass the message on to him as it would, in her words, be awkward as he has dietary restrictions (doesn't have meat).

This isn’t a marriage, it’s housemates.

WTF is he doing, taking the washing to his mum? The wife does the cleaning, the husband gets his mum to do the washing?

He needs to cut the apron strings and become an adult. I would be ashamed if my 25/6 year old son was so dependent on me.

Son needs to stop the inappropriate realationship with his mother. He needs to learn to cook and wash.
They should set boundaries and limits until they are more in sinc. Once a week he eats at Mother's. Once per fortnight both visit Mother. Once per month they socialise with in-laws; he might cook!. No more off loading the washing.
Once they spend more tiime together in a real way they might feel better apart,who knows??

Why don’t they start doing their own washing and eating together in the evening like a normal adult couple?
Sounds like they both need to grow up.

OP, is this culturally normal for them, have they grown up with similar examples from their families or is this a new dynamic? Did they live together or independently at all before they got married?

Yes, it's weird. No one who is young and healthy without children doesn't have time or energy to do their own cooking, cleaning and washing together. They have presumably 8 free hours a day during the week outside of sleeping and work and allllll weekend. It sounds like they don't really want to spend time together and perhaps rushed into married life.

Thank you all for your replies.

To answer some questions, yes the expectation from him is that since she works from home and cooks for herself, she should also add a portion for him or not go to her mums to eat without him.

It is a love marriage, not an arranged one.

It's not a cultural thing, their extended families aren't like that.

He wants children but she doesn't feel ready

But does she think, that since she does all the cleaning and the laundry is his job, he should be doing it and not taking it to his mums.

Does she think he needs to take some responsibility on and not outsource things like packing his own suit case?

She didn't complain to me about those things, so I don't know.
But he seems to think she's the one who is immature, and that's the reason why she doesn't want kids

Well, she's right, they're not ready.

My 22yo BIL has moved out of his parents to be with his girlfriend precisely because they want to know how they get on without his parents filling the gaps.

I hope they do, I love his girlfriend.

The MIL needs to tell them both the f off about doing the washing.

The solution is that they both need to grow up a bit and live like an actual couple, rather than 2 teenagers who run back to parents house at every available opportunity.

If he can't pack his own bag he really isn't ready to take care of a child, who will need everything doing for it. Perhaps he thinks mum will sort that all out for him too? I'm almost embarrassed for both of them.

She told me she loved doing it for them

Who are you? I just don't get how you know so much about everyone else is feeling but they can't talk to each other about it.

They do talk to each other about it, they talked about it with everyone together

Because he's outsourcing "looking for a solution" too!

I'll bet she's going round her mum's every night to moan about the utterly useless manchild she married and talk through what to do about it and how best to escape the situation.

There's a simple solution OP, which I'm sure Big Important Manchild could have worked out for himself if he'd wanted to. And if he couldn't, why didn't he organise marriage counselling? This is exactly the type of situation it's for (assuming neither of them is abusive).

• Step one. Grow up and take responsibility for himself and his problems, especially when they're of his own making.
• Step two. Meals. Day one, he shops for, cooks and clears up after the evening meal. Day two she does it. Repeat forever.
• Step three. Hire a cleaner (because he doesn't want to do it and why should she do it all) they can jointly share the cost.
• Step four. Laundry. They can each do their own.
• Step five. As per PP he can sort out a holiday and organise it. I'm sure if he does this she'll happily organise the next one.
• Step six. Ditto to organising a family get together.

But it'll never happen because he's got a massive sense of entitlement that sees him happy to avoid Step One, whilst simultaneously getting stroppy about the shit marriage he's created for himself.

I'd give him some home truths OP, if for no other reason than to stop him moaning on about it. If he was serious about wanting a solution he'd be doing something other than moaning.

What’s weird is that you seem to know everybody’s internal feelings regarding this relationship. Hers, his, the mothers etc.

I can’t figure why you are so involved.

He wants children. But does nothing around the house except cook ever so often. His mother does the washing. He can’t even pack his own bag.

He claims to be physically unable to keep up with the washing. (Which is odd, because I found it doable as a single parents to 2 kids and working full time) and he wants a baby.

How is he going to ‘manage’ his own children?

That ain't normal. You heard of enmeshment? Mummy needs to get her own life and stop living through her adult child.

The whole situation is weird. You’re a friend who has chatted to both him and his mother about the situation?
They’re both lazy and immature by the sounds of it. Neither can be arsed to run their home like adults. She’s right in that they’re both not ready for children. Would his mother be expected to do the child’s laundry too?

I can’t figure why you are so involved.

She's the one they've cast in the role of peacemaker for the family. They're ALL bitching to her about each other! A dysfunctional family. She doesn't have the boundaries to shut them down and tell them to behave like adults. So to stop the moaning she's trying to fix it, even though it's nothing to do with her. She doesn't know right from wrong either or she'd not need to be posting this question here to ask. That's my best guess about it all.

Leave the silly sods to it OP!

He wants children. But does nothing around the house except cook ever so often. His mother does the washing. He can’t even pack his own bag.

Probably comes round every morning to make his sarnies and cut the crusts off for him too.

He claims to be physically unable to keep up with the washing. (Which is odd, because I found it doable as a single parents to 2 kids and working full time) and he wants a baby.

Weird that isn't it? And yet it never once occurs to him, solution seeker that he claims to be, to ask ANYONE he knows how they manage to fit in house chores and working. What's the reckoning he's one of those who mentally blocks out ALL evenings and weekends as his sacred "me" time...

How is he going to ‘manage’ his own children?

He's not is he that's why he hasn't got any. Wifey doesn't want to go home to him and her rubbish marriage so she goes to her mum's every night.

I agree with most of what you have said. I asked those questions to get ops take.

I don’t agree with the first part. Op claims to be their friend nor family member. The family haven’t cast her in any sort of role. She is involved because she wants to be.

They have talked about it with ‘everybody’ according to the Op. It’s all dysfunctional. And if Op can’t see that, that’s odd in itself.

You can feel the "creepy" from here can't you. When she dies he'll have her stuffed and keep her in the attic

I'm not convinced by this - why are you in the middle? To be honest, I'm assuming you're some long standing family friend on his side who is secretly in love with him and/or who he is getting ready to have an affair with (oh, poor me, I have to go to my mum's becuase my wife is so mean to me).

You should step away.

Since all the other chores are outsourced, he should do 50% of the cleaning.
Cooking is 10x easier than cleaning too in my opinion.

She's probably thinking of leaving him eventually, but it's easier for now just to get on with her life.

I still think Op is the mum.

This. Also the fact the wife doesn’t want to change things is telling.