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Original poster

Is this situation normal or acceptable?

76 replies

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 04:50

Hi! Wondering what you thought.

Married couple, no children. The husband works in the office and wife works from home.

Husband often goes to his mum's house after dinner as his wife would already have cooked for herself or eaten at her mom's by the time he got back home.

Son also brings his and his wife's laundry to his mum's as it "gets too much for the two of them".

Wife barely gets involved with husband's family, doesn't feel like seeing them more often than not.
Her family invites husband over but she doesn't pass the message on to him as it would, in her words, be awkward as he has dietary restrictions (doesn't have meat).

OP posts:
wildseas · 23/02/2023 06:00

Sorry - cross post - if he’s your friend then I would 100 percent be having the conversation about pulling his weight equally at home. If he starts doing that I think everything else will fall into place…

rainbowstardrops · 23/02/2023 06:14

They don't sound mature enough to be married.
I'd be embarrassed if I couldn't manage the laundry between myself and my partner and had to take it for mummy to do!

Donnashair · 23/02/2023 06:18

So he does most of the cook when eating together. But they rarely eat together so that’s neither here or there.

She does all the cleaning. What does he actually do around the house?

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 06:23

Sounds utterly ridiculous. My mum has only ever done my washing once since I moved out and that was when I'd had a baby and she wanted to do something to help.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 23/02/2023 06:40

It sounds as though they've decided between them that a fair division of household jobs is; wife does all cleaning, husband does cooking and laundry.

Then he outsources all of his chores to their two mums.

Original poster
Mercurio · 23/02/2023 06:40

I have to admit he is sometimes treated like a child.

For instance, his mom packs and unpacks his clothes on holidays away

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 23/02/2023 06:45

They don’t sound like a couple at all.surely they should be doing their own washing and eating together.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 23/02/2023 06:45

That's embarrassing. He needs to stop her from doing that, by doing it himself. I wonder if his wife is just patiently waiting for him to grow up, and doing her own thing in the meantime.

Donnashair · 23/02/2023 06:51

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 06:40

I have to admit he is sometimes treated like a child.

For instance, his mom packs and unpacks his clothes on holidays away

So he is acting like a child?

She has disengaged because she realised she is with a child. She does her fair share of housework, let’s him do his share how he wants and live her life.

Sounds like she realised he isn’t an adult but, for whatever reason, isn’t ready to leave yet. So just getting on with her life and separating him from as much of it as she can.

Overthebow · 23/02/2023 06:51

They need to start living as adults. Both stop going to their parents for dinner and start doing their own washing. They’re behaving like kids.

CalistoNoSolo · 23/02/2023 07:57

They both sound very immature and disengaged. I can't see the relationship lasting long.

milkyaqua · 23/02/2023 08:14

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 06:40

I have to admit he is sometimes treated like a child.

For instance, his mom packs and unpacks his clothes on holidays away

Does mummy cut up his steak for him too?

Reinventinganna · 23/02/2023 08:18

I couldn’t live like that.

Do they love each other?
Are they planning on having children?

LakeTiticaca · 23/02/2023 08:22

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 06:40

I have to admit he is sometimes treated like a child.

For instance, his mom packs and unpacks his clothes on holidays away

And herein lies the problem. The apron strings haven't been cut.
If I was the wife I wouldn't be putting up with this malarkey, I would be out of the door

ZombieMumEB · 23/02/2023 09:14

Not sure why her working from home and him working in the office is relevant - unless it's to say that as she is "home" during the day, she could be doing housework/laundry/cooking whilst she is also working, so he doesn't need to get his mum to do the washing?

Does he work long hours? Not uncommon for some people (mostly males) to shirk their responsibilities at home, by working late in the office, or going to the pub after work. Often happens once the kids come along.

Definitely sounds like he is outsourcing his share of the household to his mum - he needs to be told he is an adult and needs to grow up.

I would be telling him his arms and legs aren't painted on, so he can use those to pull his weight in the house.

Solittletimeforwine · 23/02/2023 09:18

Neither of them have really grown up. I assume this is just habit they never got out of, so although they live independently they are not actually independent, they go to their parents for dinner, have their laundry done etc.

they just are lazy and going for the easy option.

RobinRobinMouse · 23/02/2023 09:25

They both sound like young children. If they are old enough to move out and get married they are old enough to cook their own dinners and do their own washing. Why is he moaning to someone rather than just doing something?!

RobinRobinMouse · 23/02/2023 09:26

Mercurio · 23/02/2023 06:40

I have to admit he is sometimes treated like a child.

For instance, his mom packs and unpacks his clothes on holidays away

Surely this cannot be true for a grown man?!

Pixiedust1234 · 23/02/2023 09:28

Sounds like the wife is waiting for him to grow up or leave. I don't think it will be long before she takes that option and leaves herself tbh. Hes not doing any household stuff is he, not even booking a joint holiday?

Ihatethenewlook · 23/02/2023 09:33

Quirrelsotherface · 23/02/2023 05:19

Going back to parents for meals and to have your washing done, they sound like two students, late teens or early twenties, in a house share.

I was wondering how old they are. Sounds like my kids playing ‘house’ when they were 6 🙄

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/02/2023 09:39

Is it an arranged marriage? It sounds as if there is a lot of continuing family on both sides, rather than two people who want to make a new household independently.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/02/2023 09:44

How long does it take to put a wash on FFS?

Chewbecca · 23/02/2023 09:45

Just what I was going to say, it reminds me of an arranged marriage a colleague of mine was in. And he wasn't really ready for marriage or independence.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/02/2023 09:47

Weird to be relying on parents so much as adults

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/02/2023 09:48

Maybe his mother is one of those women who are weirdly invested in keeping their sons incompetent and reliant on mum.

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