Was anyone else here not allowed to do hobbies?

[Eeeka]

Just reading a dance lessons thread and finding it very heartwarming.

First of all, I know I could have had a much worse childhood- but I’m really gutted that I was never able to have any hobbies.

Wasn’t wholly a money thing- but a time thing, but my parents just simply cba. They worked full time and didn’t want to get up on a Saturday morning and take me to drama lessons. I was desperate for this for years and so grateful when I could select it as a GCSE option.

Sometimes, if something worked out they’d relent and let me try it- but then the moment it wasn’t convenient, I’d have to stop. I didn’t do anything more than twice. This is why it wasn’t ‘wholly’ a money thing, as of course- them putting food on the table was more important than my trampoline lesson.

Just before I went to uni- we watched a friend’s daughter as the lead role in musical at a proper theatre and I was so insanely jealous. We were the same age. My mum kept banging on about how amazing it was and how she had been doing it since she was three, as if she had walked there herself.

I’d spoke to my mum about it over the years and she denies it, saying ‘no! You did football regularly! Don’t lie!’ when she means the half term summer camps that was used as childcare.

I really struggled not having anything I was good at or to practice. Now as an adult who has hobbies I understand how powerful they would have been when I was hanging out with the wrong crowd or having sex far too young.

Despite my lack of extracurriculars I ended up at a brilliant uni but felt like an absolute doughnut as it seemed everyone had a thing- an instrument, a sport. From 16 I was always saving up for uni or working around uni in my free time so never was able to throw myself into societies (minimum maintenance loan kid so worked an irregular shift pattern over 4 days, inc. the sports fixture day).

I love reading the threads on here about the mums who are so IN to their child’s hobbies and want them to thrive outside of school. I wish I had a little thing I was good at to keep me focussed.

Did anyone else feel like this? I know we could have had it so much worse and things could have been much more shit rather than ‘waaaah I had no drama club’

(oh and my school didn’t run any clubs either for the 8 years I was there!)

It’s interesting you say this as I do remember this was a big thing during covid, people saying how they wouldn’t go back to all the running around… and of course they have.

I do feel the kids’ hobbies negatively impact the quality of life for the family in a way - for example there are several nights each week we can’t eat dinner together, and several nights they get to bed later than I’d like - but that is completely outweighed by the positives and pleasure their hobbies bring them. If that’s not the balance in a family then I can see why the parents would discourage hobbies but I think what a lot of people are feeling a bit sad about is not being able to try things in the first place?

i think this was a similar story to what happened with me. My parents made it very clear that I wasn’t sporty or a good dancer or graceful. My singing in the house was a nuisance too.

it seems like I had to be exceptional at something to warrant the investment whereas some other kids would have been given the opportunities to BECOME exceptional

See, your parents’ thinking on this is completely idiotic. When it comes to sport, drama, music etc. it is a statistical fact that nearly all those who do them will be continuing it as a hobby if at all. Even for the genuinely gifted, gifts in these areas are not that rare, and in areas such as drama, professional opportunities are more down to luck, looks, lottery and connections than absolute talent.

So, really, participating in these things is not about ‘talent’ but about enjoyment, learning and social contact. They have many mental and physical health benefits and help bring communities together. And they really help children develop. I expect your parents would have changed their tune if they’d been told that hobbies would turn their children into geniuses.

We ran ourselves ragged facilitating the DCs hobbies over the years, it did mean not eating together etc but it was SO worth it. They tried lots of things, stuck with a couple each longer term and have gained so much. This is both directly from the activities and indirectly in that as young adults they are part of the local community and socialise with people of different ages, backgrounds etc. DS (at uni) has just found work for the summer via a contact at one of his clubs.

You sound like a wonderful mum, I think it's so important coming to have at least one parent who is aspirational & dreams big for their dc..
I had one hobby when I was young. My parents never brought us on holidays though & that for me was a huge thing in my late teens & twenties.
My first time outside the UK was when I was 21, I remember feeling how my peers were so worldly & well travelled. I made up for lost time when I stated earning & make holidays a priority for my dc now..
My first boyfriend couldn't believe I hadn't been skiing ever.. He replied "What? You haven't even gone on the school ski trip"!
Money permitting add travel to your list with extracurriculars. My dc do both (we cut back elsewhere big time) & have a completely different childhood to me & my siblings.

I wasn’t allowed to do anything extracurricular or as a hobby as a child. I’ve always loved music so when during a music lesson my school said we could learn to play an instrument and hire it directly from the school, I was desperate to learn to play one. I went home, asked my Mum and she said ‘I’m not listening to you making a racket like that!’ and thus my musical dreams were shattered. I wasn’t allowed to go on school trips away either, I especially remember my school organising a trip to France, via ferry and my Mum saying I wouldn’t be going because ‘The ferry might sink!’. Going to Brownies or anything like that just wasn’t an option. My parents weren’t interested in my education at all, the only expectation they had was that I went 🤷🏻‍♀️ In respect of finances, we weren’t well off but we had enough money for my Dad to spend it in bakeries everyday as well as for my Mum to smoke… 😕 My childhood was very sad and lonely and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

@SickickFan I had the same experience about a trip to France. All my friends put their name down & my dad said "What would you know about France?" when I begged to go. Never did any school trips & as I said above only left the U. K when I left home...

This is really good to hear as DH and I figure out the complexities of yet another weekend getting everyone to where they need to be at the right time while also getting some family time in! 🙂

It's a bit weird once it all gradually stops, I still give occasional lifts and DD/DH are in one club together but I am enjoying getting my own hobbies back on track again now. I enjoyed the social aspect of it all too, liked chatting to other parents at the side of sports pitches and swimming pools and I got involved with running carious things at various times which has been a good experience.

I had parents that CBA really about hobbies, and when they separated all my weekends were spent schlepping about across London to their respective houses.

My two kids however, have had every opportunity I could muster lobbed at them! I still spend weekends schlepping about the country to stand on muddy fields and cheer one on much to the detriment of my shoes and my bank balance! But he's happy and has a social circle outside of school, is part of a team and is passionate about something. My daughter recently 'considered' taking up her old hobby again as a young adult, until she found out how much that would cost, I got a very nice message asking me how the heck I paid for lessons and thanking me very much for doing so. She's a brown belt kickboxer, can ride and care for a horse, march on parade, dance and sing.

I absolutely love supporting my kids in their hobbies and get great joy from it myself.

I think there’s a balance to be struck. If DD wants to take up a hobby, fine, I’ll support/pay for that. 3 hobbies? No, I won’t be driving her around every night of the week and I definitely want us to eat together as a family at least 3 or 4 evenings a week. I don’t think time together as a family is worth sacrificing for a grade 3 trombone certificate.

I was lucky to do loads of hobbies and activities when I was a child as did my siblings but we got everywhere by ourselves. It was in the days when children stayed out all day and just came home for tea.

My parents would never have taken us, or driven us (both too busy, mum didn’t drive and my father never gave us a lift anywhere.) It wouldn’t have affected family life in the way after school activities seem to these days.

I did nothing that was my choice. I went to a church group once a week. Sometimes twice depending on church services. I was part of a Catholic church choir. Not by choice.

The only "hobby" I was encouraged to do was to sit quietly in another room and read alone and in my head. And even then my mother would storm in and berate me for "sitting around when you could be being useful".

DS has an Xbox in his room that he plays, I will play with him, he is encouraged to go out and play on the green with his friends, we take him to the skate park so he can do the ramps on his scooter, he is enjoying creative writing so we bought him a new pen and lined notebook to do it nicely. Little things, but things and support I never got.

Similar to you OP with a working class 90's childhood.

I was only ever able to do anything after school if I had a friend able to give me a lift. If my friend stopped whatever hobby it was, I had to stop as well as I had no way of getting there. So for example I did 3 judo lessons until my friend got bored of it.

I did have a reasonable childhood but was quite resentful about that, it was just CBA really and they didn't see the point.

I never did any structured/group type hobbies. I had a moped and an air rifle from the age of about 8 and my cousins and I were allowed to light bonfires/go camping/disappear off all day etc but actual hobbies - no. Can't say I missed out on much (probably because I'm rubbish at any form of sport and music!)

I tried brownies a couple of times and hated it.

To be fair 13 is around the time when kids drop their hobbies. Mine lost all interest in anything from about year 7 and only started again in 6th form. Anything else was apparently boring

I didn't do any hobbies. I was brought up in various children's homes so there wasnt any funding for them. There's wasn't even anywhere to do homework in peace because we were only allowed in the dormitory to sleep.
I was offered the opportunity to have music lessons at school but it didn't happen because i didnt have my own instrument for practice

I do think it was different then. There was a hell of a lot less ferrying children around for sure. We did activities we could get ourselves to and I don’t berate my parents for that (My Mum worked nights and was knackered). There’s no way they would have been up early on a weekend to ferry us hours away to watch a hockey match in the cold.

Whereas these days that is what some of our lives are like. I want my kids to do lots of hobbies/sports but it does come at a huge impact on time. We never have a relaxing weekend- no country walks/pub lunches. DH takes one child in one direction and I do the other.

Many evenings spent driving them around. And that’s just what is expected I think these days. And I know I’ll miss it when they’ve grown up and gone (I think). But I kind of get where my parents were coming from…

I did various extra-curricular activities, mainly via school. My parents also paid for musical instruments and lessons. I do sometimes wish they had been a little more pro-active in getting me into out of school clubs at younger age so that I might have got a bit better! My own children have done a variety of things. I am.very keen to facilitate their interests and give them every opportunity. They are quite different children over a wide age range and so far they have quite diverse interests. I wouldn't want them over-comitted and too tired but as they have grown older and into teens I can see the real benefits of having some activities to engage in that get them out of the house, off screens and mixing with others. Interestingly I have read quite a few threads recently where the children are only allowed one hobby each. I can understand why but it seems a bit of a shame to limit things so strictly.

I did gymnastics and Brownies in primary school, I adored gymnastics. But then as I got older everything stopped. My DB had music lessons for various instruments but I never did. I was always told I have a real ear for music but was never encouraged to play.

I wish I’d had swimming lessons like my own DC do now. I don’t know why I was never allowed to do anything or why my parents were so passive about it. Money wasn’t an issue I was just never encouraged to do anything and I feel quite sad about it. My children are always given an opportunity.

I've insisted my DC have one non academic hobby (can be anything they like) and learn a musical instrument of choice (no pushing to do exams or beyond recreational level). I only had this discussion with older DC once they reached the age where it's common for girls to give up sports/physical activity. They were competing in a different area when younger, dropped that and switched to something else. I said they'll thank me one day, but we'll see. Other DC excelled at her 'hobby' and plans to do it full time as a career.

There are so many benefits of hobbies, depending on the type, from self discipline, benefits to mental health, learning skills, experiences, and fitness etc etc

Same and I always wanted to do ice skating lessons with my friend but was never allowed. Wanted to join brownies nope not allowed. I did have hobbies but they involved stuff I could do inside the house like arts and crafts.

I don't think parents did as many extra curricular activities with their kids back in the early eighties though or certainly not where I lived. It's much more of a thing now.

Yeah back then it just wasn’t a thing to do loads of extra curricular activities and ferry children around lots after school and weekends.

Most parents were probably a bit more relaxed in the 80s? Plus there were no screens so we played out all day. We didn’t necessarily need to be doing sport at the weekend to get fresh air and exercise.

If it wasn’t a thing then less pressure on parents so they could just say ‘no that doesn’t work to give you a lift there’. Whereas nowadays you would look like a bad parent if your kids didn’t do at least some after school activities.

Oh I don't know about people not doing it in the late 80s/90s. Most of my friends had a sport-type hobby at least. Anything from swimming, karate, dance or football, badminton, lacrosse (my cousin competed via school).

I think without social media and the 'I'm so grateful' boasts we wouldn't know. I know one woman who precedes her minimum weekly Facebook posts about her children's dance with that phrase about her daughters and their dance hobby- tedious.

Yes a few hobbies/sports were common in those days - but I don’t think kids did as many as these days. I did quite a few - brownies, after school athletics, karate - but I could walk to all those or they were after school.

My parents definitely did not spend all weekend ferrying us around to sports matches (or watching us). Which I think is the norm now - around here at least.

I was made to do Guides. I didn't really get the chance to do anything else. There were a few clubs at lunchtime that I did at secondary school (Art Club and Sign Language Club - Nothing that my parents had to arrange or be involved in).