Was anyone else here not allowed to do hobbies?

[Eeeka]

Just reading a dance lessons thread and finding it very heartwarming.

First of all, I know I could have had a much worse childhood- but I’m really gutted that I was never able to have any hobbies.

Wasn’t wholly a money thing- but a time thing, but my parents just simply cba. They worked full time and didn’t want to get up on a Saturday morning and take me to drama lessons. I was desperate for this for years and so grateful when I could select it as a GCSE option.

Sometimes, if something worked out they’d relent and let me try it- but then the moment it wasn’t convenient, I’d have to stop. I didn’t do anything more than twice. This is why it wasn’t ‘wholly’ a money thing, as of course- them putting food on the table was more important than my trampoline lesson.

Just before I went to uni- we watched a friend’s daughter as the lead role in musical at a proper theatre and I was so insanely jealous. We were the same age. My mum kept banging on about how amazing it was and how she had been doing it since she was three, as if she had walked there herself.

I’d spoke to my mum about it over the years and she denies it, saying ‘no! You did football regularly! Don’t lie!’ when she means the half term summer camps that was used as childcare.

I really struggled not having anything I was good at or to practice. Now as an adult who has hobbies I understand how powerful they would have been when I was hanging out with the wrong crowd or having sex far too young.

Despite my lack of extracurriculars I ended up at a brilliant uni but felt like an absolute doughnut as it seemed everyone had a thing- an instrument, a sport. From 16 I was always saving up for uni or working around uni in my free time so never was able to throw myself into societies (minimum maintenance loan kid so worked an irregular shift pattern over 4 days, inc. the sports fixture day).

I love reading the threads on here about the mums who are so IN to their child’s hobbies and want them to thrive outside of school. I wish I had a little thing I was good at to keep me focussed.

Did anyone else feel like this? I know we could have had it so much worse and things could have been much more shit rather than ‘waaaah I had no drama club’

(oh and my school didn’t run any clubs either for the 8 years I was there!)

You ended up OK and you were lucky enough to attend university too.

As for the hobbies; kids often think their parents have way more lesiure time and money than is actually the case. Myabe because they work so hard at being present for their children and sending any spare cash their way.

I feel you are being overly-critical. Focus on the good things your parents did for you.

Like you OP, my parents CBA and didn't think it was their job to encourage and facilitate... The poor relationship we have now is partially due to this. I remember the remarks I got as a teenager about how unmotivated and untalented I was in comparison to others. Like I was supposed to wake up knowing how to play an instrument or excel at a sport from day one 🙄

I trialled for the county swimming team and got accepted but my parents said they couldn't afford and didn't have the time to be following me around to training and competitions. Flatly refused to let me take the offer.
I wanted to join Brownies but she said the uniform was a waste of money.
We weren't poor (not rich either - working class) but she has a very poverty mindset when it was something not for her. Happy to spend £££ on flowers and cushions and pebbley shit.

I went to Brownies, did ballet and my parents bought me a piano and paid for lessons on it. None of which I wanted to do. They were all things my mum had wanted to do when she was a child and never had the opportunity, so they made sure I did.
The only thing I wanted to do was have riding lessons, and they wouldn't let me.

I was only allowed the local athletic club as it was within walking distance.

So from age of around 8 I walked there twice weekly for training.

I was encouraged by the club / trainer to attend competitions (I was pretty good at long distances & javelin), but most were out of town and needed lifts, so I couldn't go - my parents never took me.

I have one DC myself that is good at sports and is attending competitions regularly. I can now see that it's a huge commitment from the parents in both time and money to facilitate children's hobbies. Sometimes I have to take time off work to travel 100's of miles to attend. Then there is B&B and food costs... I don't mind, DC always gets placed and often ends up on the podium. I also enjoy the time we have together!
But this means there is less time & energy for DC2, DH and the dreaded housework! Some weekends I just travel so no time for other, more relaxing things. Then on Monday it's back to a full on job.

My brother and I didn't do any. Mixture of partner CBA and living in the arse end of nowhere and no public transport nearby.

*parents

My parents didn't have a lot of money so I remember having to choose between two clubs and I chose Brownies. Was in guiding until 19! Loved it but a part of me always wonders about if I had have gone to dance at 7, how my life would be different.

Have you had counselling? What did counsellor say? You do sound very bitter. What is it you are searching for here? Presumably if you approached your parents with everything you've written here they would deny it?

Goodness your comment is a revelation. I had never thought it of it like that but reflecting on what you say with people I have known, I think there seems to be a correlation. Now with my teen DC I am certainly trying to 'keep him busy' with sport which seems to be keeping him away from the whole 'drinking and hanging round in parks' pull.

I had a few but as a kid I was pretty casual about them, I did some sporty ones but was never interested in competing, did piano lessons but wasn’t interested in grades and my parents didn’t push it. They didn’t stick as a teen or adult or stop me trying drugs and having loads of sex at uni! I don’t think that’s my parents’s fault, I think they’d have supported it if I did want to take them more seriously. I was just lazy!

I do think hobbies and interests are important but some of the kids you read about on here seem to be pushed by sergeant major parents into doing something every day of the week which seems a bit much to me.

I think you are onto something OP. I was the anomaly in my family in that I had a lot of hobbies and my parents really supported me. But they didn't impose it. They didn't have hobbies themselves and my older siblings didn't pursue anything much because they didn't want to. However, looking back I think my hobbies were quite character forming, especially because they made me practice at things (like a musical instrument) and I really saw myself get better through disciplined effort. I also made a lot of good friends through hobbies outside of school.

I have to RTFT but if not already said, I think you should find your interests now. You could still gain skills, friends and feelings of competence through taking up something that interests you as an adult. And since the pandemic you can get involved in just about anything online even if not available locally to you.

I didn't do anything involving money as we were poor. But my parents facilitated everything they could in other ways, so though sometimes I feel a bit 'other' when I'm around people who had it all and have achievements to show for it. It doesn't rankle because none of it was for the lack of interest/motivation.
I think if your parents had the means but not the inclination that's going to be more of a rub, especially when they were applauding other children with no self awareness that you hadn't had the opportunity and that was on them.

Yes same op. My mum just could not be bothered. She didn't work so it wasn't even a work thing. And there were plenty of school activities that I could have been involved in that didn't cost money.

I would have loved to have been good at sport or played an instrument too.

I grew up on my grandparents farm and farming is pretty much 7 days a week so they really didn’t have much time for themselves let alone hobbies for me. That said I had a great set of friend and as we were only a short bus ride from the beach we would wear our bikinis/trunks under our uniforms and grab the first bus after school. By the end of summer the sun had bleached my hair and I was covered in freckles. Also there’s a lot to do on a farm ( I could drive a tractor from the age of 13 ) so I would help out there and my grandmother taught me to cook and sew. I could also milk by hand - a technique that came in handy later !. So I don’t feel I missed out. Of course once you hit 15/16 your interests focus elsewhere. 🤭

I played clarinet and violin at school but I wasn’t allowed to practice at home so gave them both up early on.

I did sports clubs but my parents made a show and dance about the inconvenience of taking me that made it not worth it. I kept trying to start hobbies but they made my participation impossible despite saying they’d support me. Then they started the narrative that I was a quitter.

My parents were very academic. When I was younger I was allowed to do brownies, then guides, music lessons and extracurricular music activities ( but walked home and parents worked so it kept me busy).
When I was in y9 I had to drop guides because my grades weren't good enough.

I was allowed to stick with music lessons until I did my gr 6 but had to stop because I wasn't good enough to do it professionally and my parents thought I didn't practice enough (1hr a day, but in school).
I was allowed to do DofE - it would look good on my CV so I did any hobbies I wanted to through that.
Pre kids I did lots and I'm now picking up hobbies as work allows. I resented my parents' attitude though so my kids do loads of stuff.

i don’t need counselling 😂

I’ve brought it up in conversation, not interrogated my parents and made them feel awful

you are able to ponder on your experiences and reflect without it being a huge trauma

i am a bit sad (or bitter is the word used by many) that my parents cba to allow me to do more extracurriculars but as I have said, multiple times, things could have been worse

Opposite here. My mum tried to get me involved in all kinds of things but I just needed unstructured down time. Still do as an adult. I’ve joined things because I felt I should but always dread going to groups etc. it just isn’t for me and I don’t quite get when people say it enriches their lives.

having said that I do make the effort to facilitate the things my kids want to do. I hate it though and I can’t see that it’s made much positive difference to them.

Not so much cba here as I do do these things… but it ruins our lives in term time, the non stop, the exhaustion means the kids are grumpy, and I live for school holidays when the running around stops. For me, it really negatively impacts quality of life. Maybe that’s how your parents experienced it?

I never did any after school hobbies like a lot of the other kids I don't remember if I ever asked to do any though?
I probably wouldn't of been able to even if I did or had asked I'd guess seeing as no one ever came to my sports day or Xmas play, I can't say I'm upset at not doing after school hobbies as an adult but maybe as a child I did feel that I don't know 🤷‍♀️

I didn't do any hobbies either. My dad worked away so it was my mum and 3 kids and none of us did any hobbies apart from going to the park daily in the warmer months or local leisure centre for play swim every now and then. My dad was a instructor in his own hobby and despite that, he never introduced us to his own hobby even when he could have trained us at home if he wanted to. We lived in a financial abusive household with a mother who was overworked, overtired and depressed. I feel sad because me and my siblings are naturally at good at sports and when we join a game for instance a sport on holiday like beach volleyball or water polo or something like basketball we get the gist immediately and play as good as people who have played for years which is sad. I look at some friends who have had sport hobbies from an early age and it clearly shows from their body shapes and confidence.

DB had a hobby. DM said she needed to prioritise his hobby so my hobby was sitting in sports halls round the county every weekend watching him. I remember asking to stay home and go to various things with friends, running clubs, etc. and was mocked for wanting to do it because ‘I never exercised’ which she failed to see was a direct result of having to trail around with her and DB at the weekends.

I agree though OP. I think I sought attention and ways to build confidence in some really unhealthy ways as a result of not really being allowed my own life or interests.

Your mum sounds wonderful, as do you. 😊

I didn't do any. It was a combination of being painfully shy, mum not being able to drive and dad used to travel and be away with work a lot so couldn't commit to anything. I also feel a bit stupid having no particular skills at music or sports.
Mum did her best with activities at home though