Was anyone else here not allowed to do hobbies?

[Eeeka]

Just reading a dance lessons thread and finding it very heartwarming.

First of all, I know I could have had a much worse childhood- but I’m really gutted that I was never able to have any hobbies.

Wasn’t wholly a money thing- but a time thing, but my parents just simply cba. They worked full time and didn’t want to get up on a Saturday morning and take me to drama lessons. I was desperate for this for years and so grateful when I could select it as a GCSE option.

Sometimes, if something worked out they’d relent and let me try it- but then the moment it wasn’t convenient, I’d have to stop. I didn’t do anything more than twice. This is why it wasn’t ‘wholly’ a money thing, as of course- them putting food on the table was more important than my trampoline lesson.

Just before I went to uni- we watched a friend’s daughter as the lead role in musical at a proper theatre and I was so insanely jealous. We were the same age. My mum kept banging on about how amazing it was and how she had been doing it since she was three, as if she had walked there herself.

I’d spoke to my mum about it over the years and she denies it, saying ‘no! You did football regularly! Don’t lie!’ when she means the half term summer camps that was used as childcare.

I really struggled not having anything I was good at or to practice. Now as an adult who has hobbies I understand how powerful they would have been when I was hanging out with the wrong crowd or having sex far too young.

Despite my lack of extracurriculars I ended up at a brilliant uni but felt like an absolute doughnut as it seemed everyone had a thing- an instrument, a sport. From 16 I was always saving up for uni or working around uni in my free time so never was able to throw myself into societies (minimum maintenance loan kid so worked an irregular shift pattern over 4 days, inc. the sports fixture day).

I love reading the threads on here about the mums who are so IN to their child’s hobbies and want them to thrive outside of school. I wish I had a little thing I was good at to keep me focussed.

Did anyone else feel like this? I know we could have had it so much worse and things could have been much more shit rather than ‘waaaah I had no drama club’

(oh and my school didn’t run any clubs either for the 8 years I was there!)

Ah your OP makes me so sad! I was always encouraged to do various hobbies and loved it. There was a huge correlation at my school between lack of extra curriculars and getting up to bad stuff often because of low self esteem.

I was allowed to do swimming because I had bad asthma and the doctor said it would help my lungs. I also learnt to horse ride, but had to miss the lessons if my mum was too busy to take me.

I wasn't allowed to go to dancing, which I would have loved to do, don't know why. The one that really made me sad, was that I wasn't allowed to go to Brownies or Girls Brigade, because I had a disabled brother and because at that time he couldn't go to clubs, I wasn't allowed to go either.

I love that you got to choose drama for GCSE @Eeeka What hobbies do you do now that you wanted to do then?

I'd have liked to pursue drama and acting for fun. I wonder if that's possible as an adult 🤔

Re all the different activities I mentioned in my post, I don’t think a lot of it cost much (1970s.) Maybe the piano lessons did but my parents were not well off at all. I know these days, there are rules about uniforms and equipment etc. and my friends who have daughters spend a fortune on costumes for shows. There was none of that when I was a child.

I agree with you I think. Re. ballet. I think there was only really the cost of the exams. We weren't charged for the show (participation) costumes were always hand made or mended and adapted. Tutus seem astronomical now to buy new. (my child's most recent cost over £400 but will last her into adulthood now), I borrowed one from the school. Though perhaps some schools still do that.

I don't know how much the lessons cost, we weren't very well off, compared to some friends, but I was also at private school.

I did a range of activities as a child, as did my children. I stopped around the age of 12/13, as did my children. I think it's good for children to do but we haven't pursued any of these interests as adults and I think it's the same for a lot of people.

I was one of 3 children so didn’t get to do any hobbies/activities until I was old enough to get myself there on my own steam and then only free activities, because one of us couldn’t do something unless all of us could do it.

My mother was great for letting us do stuff - swimming, music, squash, sailing, karate, you name it. I must say we never worked or were very talented at any of them, and dropped most as teenagers. Likewise when I went to uni very few of my friends had hobbies they were passionate about or were central to their identity, although many played a sport for the social aspect.

It's great to try stuff, OP - if only to realise that it wasn't a lack of opportunity that stood in the way of me being a prima ballerina or virtuoso pianist, but be prepared for your children to just attend hobbies with their friends and have fun rather than finding a lifelong passion.

And I took myself off to some of my lessons. I remember a long walk cutting across a large park, even quite late in the dark. Though I shudder at the idea of my own daughter doing that now.

No, wasn't allowed. I grew up 80s/90s. I think a combo of not much money and CBA from my parents. I was allowed to go to Guides but not allowed to do any of the extra bits; the only girl without any extra art supplies, or cooking ingredients etc. It was quite miserable really; I was just begrudged anything by my parents. As an adult I have basically got indoor, self motivating hobbies like reading because of this.

Yep! My parents couldn't be bothered. I was desperate to learn a musical instrument but they didn't want any noise. Kinda sad in hindsight.

I never did anything apart from the free clubs at school.
I was desperate to, all my friends did gymnastics, ballet, tap, horse riding etc. I couldn't join in all the cartwheels and dance routines they did at playtime, or show medals off in assembly.
I was told we didn't have enough money and as a pp says, being one of 3 I was always told if I had something then my siblings would have to have the same.

I desperately wanted to learn to play an instrument at primary school. Lots of other girls were, they were popular and really just wanted to be liked.
My parents wouldn't pay for it, they couldn't afford it but did smoke and drink alcohol every night.

Now faced with my own children who would really benefit from dancing classes/sports however we work long hours, all local classes are after school times, we live rurally so not much options to this.
I feel so awful for them not to have access to something they will benefit from and enjoy.

Good point though about most people not continuing with the hobbies/sports. I learnt the piano to grade 5 and then lost interest and I have barely played as an adult.

It’s definitely good to have had the opportunities which I did but I didn’t pursue any of them after childhood so it didn’t make any difference to me at university for example.

I was desperate to do riding lessons. My mother was more interested in smoking tbh.
I could do a thesis on this topic.
My kids have had a totally different upbringing.

@Eeeka Similar here, a lot of what you wrote really resonates with me.

I went to private school. We weren't loaded, I got a part bursary and my parents could pay the rest whilst also being able to afford decent holidays, but there wasn't much else left over. We definitely weren't wealthy. I had to travel in from quite a distance each day and didn't live in the affluent area that most of my classmates did.

Anyway, my mum has always been very proud of the fact she sent me to private school. But she seems to think that was her job done. She didn't raise me at all. She is quite snooty and thinks herself superior because she made such sacrifices to give me the best.

However, I can't play any musical instrument, I'm not proficient in any sport, I have no skills in art or drama or singing or anything like that. I didn't do Brownies or anything like that and I only learnt to swim later in life.

I was generally a bit clueless as a teenager - no idea about make-up or clothes or just generally how to navigate through life.

My mum was just in a world of her own, really. She doesn't see it, she never will. She seems to have outsourced raising me to the school. But she wildly overestimated it. It was just a private school, it wasn't a boarding school.

When I arrived at uni I had no idea how to cook or anything. And I had a very limited diet, not particularly through choice. My mum always made all my food, but it was sausages and chips or similar every night. She made herself Slimming World recipes which looked nice and I would always ask to have them but she didn't really seem to listen. Just kept on with the sausages and chips. I was really skinny when I started uni because I'd never really tasted decent food before.

I'm doing fine now, but it does make me a bit sad to think of all I missed out on.

It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t allowed, more that the opportunity was rarely offered. I went to Rainbows and Brownies but hated Guides so left. That was about it though. I asked several times if I could go to dancing lessons but she claimed she’d wanted me to go when I was 2 and I wouldn’t go. Like that justified me not being able to try again when I was actually able to ask and show an interest. Sport was never encouraged or discussed.

Oh I did do swimming but it wasn’t really a hobby so much as something I was expected to do and I only did that until I was competent enough to be safe around water. Didn’t do my bronze, silver or gold award.

I didn’t do any. One of 5, we played together, organised our own fun and games with the kids on our estate. Great fun, no bitterness there at all. Kids are way too timetabled now.

I was allowed to do gymnastics as my sister did it, so it was convenient. I hated it and had to really fight to give it up. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up so it seemed like the biggest waste forcing me to go.
I wasn’t allowed to do anything else instead. I do feel a bit of resentment that my sister got to pick what she enjoyed (and made a career from) yet I wasn’t afforded the same opportunity.

I am the polar opposite with dd, she never wants to try it though.

i think the lesson there is one size doesn’t fit all.

We did, but it was limited and not ones I would have chosen, I think mainly it had to be ones I would get to myself as they both worked full time. So I did piano lessons with a local teacher (which I didn't enjoy much), Brownies (didn't enjoy that much either), and swimming lessons just until I got my 25m badge. So all of this stopped by about secondary school age. I remember being really envious when I got to uni and found fellow students who were members of squash clubs, orchestras, did riding, swimming club, dance etc. My parents threw themselves into hobbies outside the home when they retired, but never did much when they were working age.

We've gone the other way, DH and I are both active members of clubs and have other hobbies, the DCs have done all sorts over the years and as late teens are still active club members.

I was (and am) a good runner. I really, really wanted to join the athletics club in the city I was at secondary school at. It would have meant staying after school, getting the last bus home (8.40pm) which went to the town 3 miles away from my village. So Mum (Dad always worked late) would have had to collect me.
She couldn't do it. I am one of 5 kids.

I did join the club in the town and that meant cycling there and back, which wasn't always great in the pissing rain.

I have always been mindful of trying not to spread myself too thinly in order that both my children are able to follow their interests.

All that said, I loved being part of a large family and I did not go without. I did lots of hobbies.

My experience is not a million miles from yours op.
Although my mum was a single parent I'm not sure money was the issue. My brother was allowed to do all the sports he wanted.

I can even remember getting parts in school plays and having to turn them down because mum had a social thing herself that night or I had a dentist appointment.

My dd is 7 and she can basically attend any hobby she wants, yet currently had zero interest! Lol

My hobbies had to tie in with church - so any church groups, Sunday school etc. were fine.
I could play sports but as the matches were on Sunday mornings I had to stop going.
Was a bit limited in that mum didn’t drive but they encouraged music lessons at home.

Once I was able to get around myself I did a lot more but felt a bit sad when I got to Uni and saw how accomplished everyone else seemed to be.

My DC are offered every club known to man but they can’t be arsed 😂

I did a lot of sport up to secondary age, I was a very talented athlete.

once secondary school hit though I got a lot of pressure of parents and family to stop and “focus on studies”. Much to my regret I gave in, although I did shit in my exams anyway because I wanted a career in sport.

my mum did let me continue in the rec squads- but that was because she was weight obsessed and was terrified I’d get fat if I stopped exercise.

i know quite a few families who still discourage hobbies because they think it interferes with school. My step kids were always signing themselves up for their mum to refuse. Not a money or even time thing as we always agreed to pay, and the kids could get there themselves.