DD is Very Overweight

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

I posted this in SN parenting but I think it might get seen more here

DD is 10 and Very Overweight. I know exactly why she is overweight but really struggling to address the problems.

She has ASD and an extremely limited diet (all beige, not a single vegetable and only strawberries). Portion sizes are too big but she freaks out if she doesn't have the amount requested. Have tried gradual reductions but it doesn't work. She's set in her patterns and I just don't know how to break them.

Absolutely loathes physical movement.

I'm failing her and I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking tired - she still cannot sleep on her own and right now I could just cry.

So as not to drop feed, I was an overweight child who later developed an eating disorder. My mother had an ED throughout my childhood, so that's something else I'm anxious about.

She looks like she might be storing puppy fat for shooting up. I remember being ravenously hungry during that age.

OP, get a dog. Better yet, she gets to choose the dog - from a suitable shortlist of course - and name it; but only if she takes equal responsibility for it. She must walk it after school, with an adult, and she must feed it. It must have a balanced diet to stay healthy.

I would only cook the reasonable portion size but have extra veg such as carrots or peas available. Unlike others I would not make things low fat. I would try to reduce pasta portions though.

My kids love tuna and pesto mixed together on pasta - ups the protein and reduces the quantity needed.

@ProbablyRomanticised - vegetables are an absolute no go!

We would love a dog but we have two sensitive cats (animals generally but cats especially are DDs Special Interest), and moreover, DH absolutely loathes dogs.

She's nearly 5'1" - she just cannot be due a growth spurt 😭 she's already so very tall relative to peers!

But surely - unless they are available to her to try - no pressure, but available "if you are hungry", then they will always be an absolute no go.

My son at one point only ate cheese sandwiches and plain pasta. He still got veggies on his plate.

@ProbablyRomanticised that, sadly, results in gagging and at times, vomiting. Having vegetables in the vicinity renders the meal 'contaminated' and generally causes huge amounts of anxiety that inevitably leads to a Meltdown.

She’s not very overweight 🙄 her body is preparing for puberty, she’ll soon be hyper aware of her size I don’t think making this a battle is a good idea.

@Youraccountisnolongervalid the terminology "very overweight" is the category given by the NHS calculator based on her weight and height - I'm not being a bitch. She's 10 and nearly 60kgs...

OP I feel for you it must be very hard.
I have an underweight ds and that has its own problems…
from the pic you show I would def not use the term “very overweight”. Slightly perhaps. The NHS calculator might well suggest she is but I know girls that age that are far more overweight than that.

also I don’t think her diet is that bad really.

as pp have suggested as she grows she may not necessarily gain more weight.
I would be concentrating on portion sizes, making sure everyone has exactly the same if possible but not making a big deal of it.

Right, well as a fellow psychologist with autistic child....

Make a plan with her. Begin with sitting down with her when she is calm and happy. Normalize her anxiety around eating veggies and salad "it's not surprising that you couldn't stand the smell and taste when you were little; lots of children don't like veg and back then we didn't know about you being autistic, so we probably tried too hard to make you eat it. Lots of autistic people have sensitive taste and smell.

But there is a reason why mums and dads want their kids to eat veg. They are really really good for you. They have loads of vitamins in. How about you do a ranking of veg and how bad they smell out of 10. The rule is, not everything can be 10/10 bad. We can also think about raw and cooked veg. I promise I will never force you to eat anything, but your tastes will have changed since you were little and we need to begin to challenge that worry bully that sits on your shoulder saying you can't cope.

Once she has done the rankings, have an agreed plan. Let's say raw carrot and cucumber are rated "least worst". To begin with they just sit on the table with her food. Ignore them. Then step 2 is to put a very small bit on the plate with her food. Again you both know you doesn't have to eat it. Maybe grated carrot might be a good start.

Ask her if she would rather you make a big fuss and reward her for trying the veg (when it's been on her plate a while) or whether it's easier for her if there's no fuss at all.

The aim might be something like- in 6 months time I will have tried 2 types of salad or veg. Not that she has to like them.

I guess the main thing being, you have gradually swung a bit too far towards accommodating her to avoid distress - but this is now impacting her health and wellbeing, so it needs tackling. Baby steps, with her involved in the plan and controlling it to a certain extent.

Do you think your disordered eating could be skewing the way you view your DD's weight?
That is not a photo of a "very overweight" child imo.

@ProbablyRomanticised thank you. Funnily enough we have just started to broach this idea today. I think over the next couple of weeks we will be looking at a fear hierarchy and taking it from there.

If she likes animals & quiet (& you can afford it in these times of economic troubles) have you thought about horse riding? Many stables work with children who have additional needs, and even mucking out a stable can get your heart rate up, let alone getting on board! Might be worth looking into.

@LocalHobo I honestly don't care how she looks - I think she's beautiful and if it weren't for the health implications I would let her eat whatever she's comfortable with!

As I said, she is by far the tallest in the class and she's 60kgs. She has an extremely restricted diet and moves as little as she can. I have to take responsibility for her health.

I think my own history of ED makes me very cautious about approaching the issues in the right way, so as NOT to cause further anxiety about food that could lead to an ED.

@LemonLymanDotCom - I think she might actually love that. I've always been reticent because of the cost, but, I'm going to have another look. Thank you 😃

Agreed.

@LemonLymanDotCom don't suppose you know of any riding schools in the South London/ Kent border areas??

you have my sympathies OP. My sister has ASD and her food rituals really took over our home life when we were kids.

So many rules. She basically subsisted on Pom bears and Babybel for the first 4 years of her life! We had the gagging/ puking at the table when she tried something else. Horrible us and worse for her!

to reassure you she is now in 30s and very healthy. After about 15 she ate everything. So things massively improved (in her own time!)

@bonzaitree not going to lie, I live for these success stories!!

If you don’t care how she looks why did you post pictures of her?

As and overweight child and adult with a child with ASD my concern would be their mental health over a bit of puppy fat.

Go easy. OP's replies have been very transparent and balanced in my view. She's clarified that supplementing her concerns is the knowledge that her DD doesn't do any physical activity and doesn't eat any fruit or veg - valid concerns. I think the photos are to help give the whole story regarding weight gain, considering her DD's refusal to move around, etc.

I totally get your concern and distaste for photos being shared, but I think OP has been really reasonable and genuinely just cares for her daughter's health.

I have to say I'm also concerned about the photos.

That suggests a BMI which is healthy though?
How is she very overweight at that height/ weight?

It's a healthy BMI for adults. She's a child - their BMIs are supposed to be a lot lower than adults'.

No judgement from me. My child is the same (well one of them) Weighs 7.5 stone and only age 8. Will steal food from the kitchen and is permanently hungry.

So bloody hard. Also doesn't sleep with me, autistic.

I have to say the diet sounds okay really. Obviously not okay that she won’t eat fruit and veg, but it doesn’t sound like she's gorging on ice cream and Haribo every night either?

She would probably be a good weight if she just moved a bit more. Give the horseriding a go and see how she takes to it.