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Original poster

Why do some women do this?

81 replies

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 15/02/2023 21:13

I am a university academic and work with a woman who, despite having a PhD which would suggest that she is both intelligent and capable, does and gets away with the helpless girly girl thing. She's all giggly and flirty and will do the crying and protect me routine to get people men in the department to do things she does not want to do. I've worked with her a few years and thought her a little bit annoying. However, this week I have being doing some KIT days to get ready to return to work after Mat leave with DC 2 and I have felt really annoyed with her behaviour. Does she not realise that she is setting other women back?! I have autism, I struggle to do things, but I mask at work and I am damn proud of my PhD and being able to look after myself, yet she seems to relish being seen as vulnerable... I suppose I just want to see if other's have experienced similar and if anyone would admit to behaving like this, why?

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2023 21:17

I hate it too and see it a lot. Its embarrassing. I used to see professional women behaving like this in the workplace when men were about, then go back to professional, unpleasant even, in female company.
I sometimes have customers, usually older women, cry to try to get their own way.

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 21:18

She sounds ridiculous x

Allshallbewell2021 · 15/02/2023 21:20

I think most people carry on with behaviours which have worked for them in the past. Many of us don't realize how these should grow up with us and be age/role/setting appropriate.
I definitely am guilty of being the clown which was my role in my family. It's hard for me to be quiet and listen in a group.
I am trying to learn now how to evolve my dated strategies.
Who knows what to do about your flirty colleague - People don't usually want to hear how they come across do they? Unless it praise

Original poster

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 15/02/2023 21:22

Glad it's not just me! @Allshallbewell2021 that's interesting, I hadn't thought it could be an unconscious habit...it just seems to come out around stressful/boring tasks

OP posts:

Kate8990 · 15/02/2023 21:23

Yep I know someone like this, it's basically attention seeking an manipulative really. It is annoying, I know what you mean.
This person I'm talking about tried her hardest to make my Uncles funeral about her and she didn't even know him, they had never met. Her partner asked me can I look after her? Why? Lol ( he was in a different car) and when other family members got upset she made sure she cried with a dramatic scene. I just looked at her like wtf. She also lies about silly things that are obviously lies. I think she knows I can see through her BS and we avoid eachother.

MelchiorsMistress · 15/02/2023 21:25

She does it because if it’s getting other people to happily do stuff that she doesn’t want to do, then it works out well for her.

SettingPrecedents · 15/02/2023 21:26

Yes I know a woman like this. She’s a doctor, so clearly highly intelligent. In female company she’s intelligent, well read, capable. In mixed company she’s giggly, scatterbrained, constantly forgetting things or dropping things. No idea what she’s like in a professional setting. I’ve had to distance myself from her, it drives me round the bend.

Northernsoullover · 15/02/2023 21:30

There was a character like this in The Fast Show played by Arabella Weir. Its a well practiced routine for some women.

TinyKittenPaw · 15/02/2023 21:40

It’s so annoying, i know similar woman. I feel like sometimes its something to be sorry about - one woman i know is brilliant in so many ways but i think she was raised in a family where being a woman was all about being girly and well made up and being complimented by men. She is single, PhD and very smart but in company its like she feels guilty for being smart and self sufficient so defaults to girly and ‘scatter brained’ to show she is still a ‘helpless woman at heart’ I’m not sure she knows how else to appeal to men than being this. Thing is the men we mix with really admire her achievements but they are turned off by the Rom-com girly persona.

Mumteedum · 15/02/2023 21:43

Omg you are describing at least three senior females I work with, also in HE in academic team. It drives me bonkers. There's no way I could behave that way but it's definitely going against me that I don't in some circles. Male academics get away with pushing admin and pastoral work onto female colleagues and unfortunately some of those female colleagues behave in this stepford wife way, as a means to getting ahead and currying favour. I hate it.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2023 21:45

I have to say I've never come across this in real life, only say, in TV dramas & the like.

I work in a university too, in an academic role. In fact, that's why I don't see a lot of it, I think, as there are plenty of women, with academic qualifications to equal the men, and plenty in leadership roles.

I previously worked in a private sector consulting role, heavily male dominated, never saw it there either - quite the opposite - women had to be quite tough & unemotional to survive there.

I don't agree that this is 'setting women back'. It's a reflection on her, not other women. I'd carry on & pay little heed. What particular advantage do you think she gains as an academic behaving like this?

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 21:48

It's pure and simple manipulation. You said it yourself, her antics get others (men) to do the things she doesn't want to do, she's not stupid, she's playing a game / playing a part / very wily!

The downside for you / me / people like us, is that not only do we have to witness it, but we just have to also crack on and do the stuff in our jobs we don't want to do, unless we want to emulate her. Which is a big fat no.

Ryebreadandpickles654 · 15/02/2023 21:51

I must say I am surprised by these comments. I’ve never seen a woman behave like this and until recently worked almost exclusively with women.

I don’t know anyone like this among my friends either.

On the rare occasion someone cried in the office, it was assumed they couldn’t help it, and we would try and help them as best we could.

Most women I know would be very embarrassed about losing control in a professional setting so I don’t know why everyone on here is assuming people who are doing it are being fake?

GarlicGrace · 15/02/2023 21:59

Well, you could try overdone concern whenever she's helpless. Not actually helping her, of course, but loudly expressing sympathy: "Oh, no, Daisy, you're all upset again what's the matter now?" "Poor Daisy, you're so sensitive! However do you cope?" and so on. Perhaps offer to teach her how to do the simple things she claims to need help with, making sure her audience is within earshot.

Not very adult, maybe, but I agree with @Allshallbewell2021 that she's simply carrying through a set of behaviours that worked for her in childhood. So treat her like a slightly soggy child 😏

rockpoolingtogether · 15/02/2023 22:10

Irritating, yes but her prerogative to behave like that. I don't think it affects you. If there was a man who was bossy and arrogant, you wouldn't tar all men with the same brush so to speak

VanillaSox · 16/02/2023 05:04

Why do you have to bring your autism into this?
She is behaving in a way that is irritating -people's ofyen do in various ways. She's is not 'settung women back' she hardly has that power. Accept her as she is and if you don't b likes her just stop giving her any headspace.

AuntieJoyce · 16/02/2023 05:28

I must say I am surprised by these comments. I’ve never seen a woman behave like this and until recently worked almost exclusively with women

You’ve answered your own question there. These women don’t do it with other women because it’s ineffective.

i agree OP it’s cringeworthy and it’s hard enough being taken seriously at work without these types fluffing about the office.

Luckingfovely · 16/02/2023 05:34

Oh, this is really interesting to me.

I can see these traits of behaviour in myself, and it is certainly not deliberate or calculated. As a wise pp said, this will likely come from early conditioning. As the youngest of an abusive family, I absolutely learned coping mechanisms to include being the cute, funny, vulnerable one. It was better to be be patronised than hit.

Now in my 40s, both highly educated and paid, I can see that I still tip towards those habits, especially when uncomfortable. One big realisation has been an understanding that my natural default position is to make everyone 'like me'. I care less now, but have to actually work at being my own person and not making myself into something soft and squishy to fit other people.

Now, if I could only find a solution to my insomnia

hattie43 · 16/02/2023 05:41

Yes OP I've worked with someone like this , playing the vulnerable crying card to get out of things she didn't want to do . Women could see right through her and it was men who fawned all over her . She looked like a young bet lynch when I first met her . One of these annoying people who puts ' be kind ' messages on FB but was the biggest bully going , throw you under the bus as soon as look at you . Tables have turned now though and she's going through performance management. Now she's fat and forty strangely the men aren't rushing to do her workload .

BeakyMinder · 16/02/2023 05:43

I think this is 'people-pleasing' behaviour, as others have said probably learnt in childhood as a coping strategy around abusive men. As an adult the situation has changed, but she has not.

Its pretty depressing how we women end up bending ourselves out of shape, in all sorts of ways, to survive in a men's world.

Onnabugeisha · 16/02/2023 06:08

One of the reasons why I preferred working with men over women. Just could not stand the drama and I’m just a lgirl, batting eyelashes BS on 40+ Yr olds.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 16/02/2023 06:19

Since you ask ... I do this, not helplessness but I can be flirty to get people to do things I need for their own job. I'm in a job where I need people to do things and I find being bubbly and a bit flirty helps me to build those relationships, sad but true. I'm also smart and kick ass at my job, and will also kick their ass if they need it after I ask nicely, and I'm viewed as smart and nice, and respected. I view it as a beat them at their own game kind of situation. I would never piss take though, or act helpless or stupid. I'm just a bit flirty to get people to do what I need them to do in an appropriate work context if that makes sense.

Zippidydoda · 16/02/2023 06:25

Can’t say I’ve ever noticed anyone act like this. Maybe it is more common is some industries than others?

HerbalTeaAndCake · 16/02/2023 06:29

Sounds incredibly cringey.

HeadNorth · 16/02/2023 06:42

Whenharrymetsmelly · 16/02/2023 06:19

I'm viewed as smart and nice, and respected Oh wad the guid lord the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as others see us. You think of yourself as smart and nice, you don't know how others perceive you - you admit you flirt to get your own way, so it is maybe worth reflecting how that colours your colleagues perception of you.

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