Tired of being ugly

[Lostinplaces]

I’ve always been quite average looking but as I get older I think I’m becoming actually quite ugly. Boys rarely fancied me as a teen and as I became older it was also rare to have much interest from men. I did however meet my DH eventually and he disagrees that I am ugly (he’s kind) but I do get back handed compliments about my looks from other women occasionally, e.g.

“You look lovely, amazing what a bit of make-up can do.” “You look beautiful today, what did you do to your face.” “You obviously have really good makeup.” Etc.

The comments weren’t said in a bitchy way but just rather clumsily. I’ve been able to laugh at them but recently I’m just sick and tired of being ugly. I don’t know if it’s a touch of paranoia but I feel like other people (males especially but women too) are occasionally less polite to me, more likely to be blunt, inconsiderate, rude etc or treat me differently because I’m not nice to look at.

I think I probably have elements of body dysmorphia but I don’t think I’m the ugliest person in the world, just a bit uglier than your average person. I’m 40 and feel like a pathetic teenager wishing she was a pretty girl, but I genuinely do feel that way, tired of feeling second class, tired of seeing this face in the mirror. Wishing for once I could just be genuinely beautiful. Gosh I’m pathetic.

Maybe I’m just a self obsessed, paranoid weirdo. I don’t know. I’m having CBT and taking antidepressants but still finding it hard to accept this is my face.
Anywho that’s my dumb rant, no idea what I want from this thread,none of you can wave a magic wand and fix my face 😆

All faces look better with a smile.

You have a spouse who loves you yet you are spending precious time concerned about if other men and women find you pretty.

So much online is filtered or surgically enhanced.

There other thing is thinking and having some response to rudeness. Being overly sweetly polite or owning the backhanded insult.

Unless you opt for radical face-lifting surgery, you can work on tightening your skin, using make up more, dying your hair etc.

How do you think your life would be different if you were better looking? What is it that you think you're missing out on? Does it matter whether people think you're beautiful or not?

Half the people in the world are less pretty than the average person! That’s how averages work ;)

You can’t change your bone structure etc but I guarantee that if you exercise 3 x a week (nothing crazy just a 15 min jog round the block a few times) and get more sleep, you’ll look better than you do now.

More exercise, more sleep, less booze/fags if you do them, add a touch of eyeliner/mascara and you’ll look fine.

thanks for the replies @frozendaisy its hard to explain but it’s not that I want others to think I’m beautiful I just want to not be treated less-than because I’m not beautiful iyswim?

@curlykate99 I think I definitely would’ve been more confident and happier in general. There are so many things I held myself back from because I lacked self esteem.

@Silvergone I definitely need to exercise more regardless and lose weight. I don’t drink often or smoke so that goes in my favour in terms of health. I do look much better with make up, I guess most people do.

I just wish I didn’t care about this so much, I can’t afford to change my face. When I catch my reflection in a window or shop mirror I just want to put a bag over my face.

You are not wrong. It is proven that beautiful people get treated better. They get more attention in school when they are children, people assume they are smarter nicer etc than they are.

I've been skinny and I've been fat. The way I was treated differently was very noticeable. Not rudeness really, just people would talk to me more, meet my eye or be just generally nicer when I was skinny.

And before people start saying, "it was because you had more self confidence" I say, look at the scientific evidence of how people are treated.

Me too, rubbish isn't it?

I sympathise! I've always been a munter, even when young and slim. Now I'm 49 and fat (and greying, and wrinkling) so it's not getting any better. Trouble is, I no longer find that I get much improvement if I dye my hair, put on loads of makeup, dress fancy etc. So now I focus on doing the things I love. And increasingly, the photos where I look the most attractive (a low bar, admittedly) are where I'm halfway up a mountain, or sitting by a campfire, or just coming out of the sea. And the people I'm with are doing the same activities, but also happen to be kind, considerate and fulfilling to be with.

Maybe you need to hang out with different folks? Those who value you for yourself and not how you look?

I know what you mean. I've had to look at my face and say, I love my mouth because it looks like I've had fillers but haven't. I love my cheek bones. I don't focus on the other things that bother me.
I went to college to do a makeup evening course. I get my face threaded and eyebrows threaded and dyed. It makes me feel tonnes better.
I researched how to dress less frumpy.
I started lifting very heavy weights (started with just the empty bar and worked up little at a time). Get out walking etc.
I stopped eating desserts after every meal maybe have them a few times a week and much smaller amounts.
I get my hair dyed at the hairdressers when I have time, which makes me feel so much better.
I'm also kind to myself. I look at others who are rude and I say that's your issue it isn't mine. I'm also starting to smile a bit more (thinking I'm happy with myself). I had a mean resting bitch face and I'm trying to work on that and ease my face a bit.
I also had some scarring on my face and the specialist nurse who taught me how to apply camouflage makeup said, I see so much worse so don't focus on it, this is only small.
I say things like I love me and that's all that matters. It helps to have a kind husband. I also think I take things out of proportion (dysmorphia?) so I've worked on that too.
Hope you start to feel better OP x

I'm sorry you feel like this OP. I think sometimes we are our own worse critic, looks wise.

When you said this though -

I don’t know if it’s a touch of paranoia but I feel like other people (males especially but women too) are occasionally less polite to me, more likely to be blunt, inconsiderate, rude etc or treat me differently because I’m not nice to look at.

This has really struck a chord with me as I'm noticing this as I'm getting older (I'm 47). It's as if to many males if you aren't shaggable any more you are almost invisible. I don't mean I want their gaze IYSWIM but more if they are in a service capacity.

I think making an effort with self care, enjoying a skin care routine, good hair cut and hair always clean - all things that make us feel like we're worth the effort if you get me?

If you look at "before and after" pics of the celebs, in general they look plain in the before pics, and completely different when they've got their makeup professionally done. Maybe try it?

Unfortunately, this is something many women come to realise later in life - that so many men only give us the time of day, or consideration because we are young and pretty, and they are trying it on.

Getting older for women is harder, not because of how we look, but because we don't get the benefit of being seen to have mature wisdom - e.g. 'silver fox' like men do - we are just considered old hags, unfuckable and not relevant. It's depressing.

Sorry OP, slightly off topic, but I do wish young women wouldn't pander to men so much, they don't deserve it.

Your DH wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive. I think people are trying to pay you compliments, but not wording it very well.

I wouldn't say I'm attractive, especially the shape of my teeth and mouth, but I hang onto the fact that I have a DH who I know genuinely loves me, I've got my DD, other family, friends and what's good about where I live.

'I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens'

Janis Ian was right. I'm resolutely plain and I do think that the better looking don't have to try so hard.

I'm not going to give you false compliments because I completely understand how you feel. I can walk into a room with a friend and people will be elated with how fabulous they look, they look so beautiful etc etc then look at me and it's "oh that's a nice dress" it's a bit like when you see an ugly baby you compliment the name.

If you've never been in this position it's hard to articulate but it is a very very distinct difference and you do notice it and it does hurt.

I don't know what the answer is but I've never had men find me attractive until I got to my 30s, maybe self confidence is the answer? I'd still love someone to genuinely tell me I look good for once though!

I’ve found it easier in my forties. Teens and twenties were pretty awful, particularly after being a pretty child. But now I can see that being attractive in your teens and twenties is just a different kind of awful.

I cringe when I catch my reflection in mirrors and windows. It always catches me by surprise that that is my outside, because I feel nothing like that on the inside.

I know what you mean OP. I was never anything amazing but I could get by if I did my hair and makeup etc. I’m only 37 but in the past 10 months I had a baby via c section, then two ops for breast cancer and 6 rounds of chemo. I have a bit of hair left from cold capping but had to chop most of it off and can’t wash it more than once a week or style it so it looks like absolute shit anyway. My body is a mess. I’ve lost the 2.5 stone of baby weight and a bit more on top but I don’t look like I have. I will struggle to lose any more now I’ve been thrown into the menopause. I actually don’t recognise myself now, I look like I’ve aged about 10 years and I hate it. I shouldn’t care but I do. When all this is over I can’t see me ever being happy with my appearance again. DH gets upset when I say I look revolting but I definitely don’t look like the woman he married. I don’t feel like her either.

I know how you feel. My Sister is only 2 years younger than me and whenever we go out together people always speak to her differently, more kindly to her than to me. It's definitely not a confidence issue as I will talk to people too and I am not shy.
I have a long crooked nose where as my Sister has a small perky nose. Every time I look in the mirror I so wish I could have a smaller straighter nose ( have thought of plastic surgery but can't afford it).
OP you are lucky you have a Husband who chose you and is with you. My Husband walked out on me 5 years ago. I often think if I wasn't so unattractive maybe he would not have left or perhaps it was easier for him to leave someone so unattractive like me.

@WorryMcGee be kinder to yourself you have gone through a lot. Best wishes to you for a full and speedy recovery.

OP, have you considered the ways in which your life would be different if you didn't have your face?

Maybe your husband wouldn't have found you attractive with a different face, maybe someone else would have and you wouldn't have been single when you did meet your husband, that person may have turned out to be an arsehole.

If you don't meet your husband, then you don't have your kids (assuming you have kids that is). You may still have had kids, but they wouldn't be the same ones you've got now.

Assuming you like your job, maybe you wouldn't have got it if you looked different. People get intimidated by truly beautiful people, maybe the interviewer was insecure, didn't want to work with someone who intimidated them.

Would you still have the same friends. Maybe right now you have a nice open, approachable face, the kind of face that says come talk to me.

You may not like your face, but its a least partially responsible for the life you have now, and I'm sure there are plenty of good things in that life.

It's okay to be ugly. Plenty of really ugly/ plain people succeed in all walks of life, even as actors and TV presenters. So clearly, looks are not everything.

Make a collection of  ugly/plain/not beautiful/ not handsome successes. 

I'll start you off with a few suggestions
Churchill
Mackenzie Crook
Toby Jones
Tilda Swinton
Whoopi Goldberg
Putin
Camilla
Robin Cook

Love that Janis Ian song!!
I am very ordinary and have never been called pretty, whether I have been slim or much bigger. However, I have wasted far too many years worrying about how I look and what others think of me. It is very liberating to not really care what people think anymore. I am kind, caring and reliable and that feels much more important to me these days than having fantastic looks.

If you sit and watch people on the high street or in a park, you'll see that the majority are average-looking. That's normal. Don't bother to waste your time looking at social media or people in magazines etc. It's all fake.

Concentrate on things that matter - relationships, your partner, children, and other family. Have your hair done in a flattering style, and wear make-up and clothes that suit you.

And Miriam Margoles one of the funniest and scandalous women on the planet. Just think and say"I don't give a fuck" and stop self censoring. The world and it's dog loves people who are real and swim in the flow rather than paddling on the shore. Your husband loves you that's 99% of the battle now go and slay them. Fortune favours the brave !

I think TildaSwinton and Whoopie Goldberg are both very attractive. Interesting that you think they're not. Maybe beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.