Tired of being ugly

[Lostinplaces]

I’ve always been quite average looking but as I get older I think I’m becoming actually quite ugly. Boys rarely fancied me as a teen and as I became older it was also rare to have much interest from men. I did however meet my DH eventually and he disagrees that I am ugly (he’s kind) but I do get back handed compliments about my looks from other women occasionally, e.g.

“You look lovely, amazing what a bit of make-up can do.” “You look beautiful today, what did you do to your face.” “You obviously have really good makeup.” Etc.

The comments weren’t said in a bitchy way but just rather clumsily. I’ve been able to laugh at them but recently I’m just sick and tired of being ugly. I don’t know if it’s a touch of paranoia but I feel like other people (males especially but women too) are occasionally less polite to me, more likely to be blunt, inconsiderate, rude etc or treat me differently because I’m not nice to look at.

I think I probably have elements of body dysmorphia but I don’t think I’m the ugliest person in the world, just a bit uglier than your average person. I’m 40 and feel like a pathetic teenager wishing she was a pretty girl, but I genuinely do feel that way, tired of feeling second class, tired of seeing this face in the mirror. Wishing for once I could just be genuinely beautiful. Gosh I’m pathetic.

Maybe I’m just a self obsessed, paranoid weirdo. I don’t know. I’m having CBT and taking antidepressants but still finding it hard to accept this is my face.
Anywho that’s my dumb rant, no idea what I want from this thread,none of you can wave a magic wand and fix my face 😆

I'm 53 and I've had experiences like yours, but I put it down to middle aged women being ignored or treated as lesser. Its awful, isn't it.

However, I do know that when people make back handed compliments, it's usually because they are jealous in some way.

I've never been a looker but I have a husband who adores me, whether I'm fat or slim, make-up or no make-up, and I'm trying to look on the good side and be happy. I look after my hair & my skin and they're not bad for my age.

I look at some women and wish I could look like them, and it really bloody hurts, but I can only do my best with what I have.

We can't let other people's unrealistic, photoshopped, trowelled-on makeup ideas of beauty win. We're so much more than our looks. Sending you a big hug.

Nah this is complete bollocks, all of you saying you're plain or ugly I'm willing to bet have some beautiful features and you're just so badly lacking confidence that you're not seeing it.
I don't accept that people are ugly, I do accept we can't all look like the beauty standards society expects of us.

The jenner sisters are 2 of the most beautiful women in the world but they certainly weren't before the millions of cosmetic work they've had done. (Personally not my jam, I'm not keen on the look but I appreciate I'm in a minority)

You all feel ugly because you're comparing yourselves to other women. But those other women may think you've gorgeous colour eyes, lovely shaped lips or cheekbones.

I hate that people don't feel beautiful, I'm a size 20 atm (I'm also pregnant so even fatter than usual) and I've struggled with weight gain (I'm on loads of meds that make me fat, but I'd probably die without them so you know, such is life) and I understand how differently people treat us based on our weight and looks but FUCK THEM it's on them if they want to be shitty with people due to appearance, we aren't their responsibility to make feel attractive, we're our own. Same way I won't make those people feel they're funny or smart, because shallow people just aren't really my people.

You all have something great about you, physically & emotionally and you're to find what it is and focus on that.

I'm so angry that people feel genuine sadness that they look like people, not bratz dolls and honestly, what other people think of you isn't your business anyway, I mean this kindly, but it isn't, so don't be worrying over them, what's important is you find things you like about yourself, because unless you have jenner sister money, you're faces are here to stay 💐

I cringe when I catch my reflection in mirrors and windows. It always catches me by surprise that that is my outside, because I feel nothing like that on the inside.

Same here. Endless Zoom and Team meetings have made me hate myself even more. Frizzy hideous hair, massive nose and chin thin lipped - I look like Nanny McPhee or Snow White's witch

OP, thank you for this thread. I too am fat and plain. I have a rather unfortunate looking face - I suppose you could describe my features as "horsy". When I was young, I was still plain but I did at least excude youthfulness, and that is a commodity that enables you to attract at least some men to a degree. It's depressing to feel so overlooked. I'm going to take some consolation from some of the lovely replies you've had. I really envy women who've found a way to be at peace with their looks, and with knowing that you are unattractive.

I was called ugly throughout school. My parents never kept any school photos of me (but did of my siblings).
When I worked, I was referred to as "a dog" by my co-workers.
I hit the gym to at least make sure my body was nice. Years of antipsychotics and bad diet have put paid to that now. I am fat, ugly and in my 40s. I thought about dying my hair and getting it cut nice, but I am too afraid to leave the house now as I have some dental issues going on that I can not hide at all.
My life is joggers, crap hair, shit body and teeth that are making me look like a xenomorph.

This isn't helpful. It's not just about how the individual sees themselves but how they are received by others.

You can feel a million dollars and still get a "I like your shoes!" While your companion gets an "omg you look amazing!" It's noticeable and it hurts. If you've never experienced it then this thread probably isn't for you

I've experienced it considerably and it's shit.

It's social media's fault to why women and men are so insecure about themselves

This thread is giving me a pain in my heart: my friend Kim had it all - she was drop dead gorgeous and an incredibly warm-hearted and lovely person - I swear every second male that met her was in love with her. Almost a year ago she died by suicide. Please please OP while you might try the tips suggested by pps, take your eyes off the mirror and realise it’s not the be All and end all. Next week I put flowers on my friends grave - it’s all that’s left me to do…

How strange..just this morning I was thinking about my old neighbour from years ago. She was a stunning looking woman. I witnessed random blokes cat calling her in public..she was so lovely.
One afternoon I popped to her door for something ....she opened the door in her dressing gown and turban towel and no make up.
I literally jumped backwards in complete shock and said 'oh!'
She laughed and recognised immediately my reaction. She said 'I'm nothing without make up am I?'
Truthfully she wasn't.
She continued on to be stunning with her make up.

I agree with you @Lwrenagain

I'm a realist and I know the world doesn't find me beautiful, but I like myself and how I look. I think I'm striking! Some other era would have appreciated me ;)

Yes people can be shitty and frequently are (I work people-facing and had a nice day today but Christ, yesterday I would have happily taken another job as a lighthouse keeper on an abandoned island) but nobody should feel their looks define them. You know your worth better than some idiot man in the pub ogling your friend. (And be honest. Is Dave the Ledge rivaling Keanu Reeves in the looks department..?)

There was no social media (or even internet) back when I was insecure.

In hindsight I was one of the pretty girls at school and I was gorgeous at uni - reckon I peaked at 21! (I didn’t believe it at the time though and hated my flat chest etc. I had insecurities).

I have to say that now I LOVE finally being invisible to men! I’m 44, a bit chubby, and I find it so freeing not having that eyes-on-me feeling all the time, or male colleagues not taking me seriously, or always thinking boys/men only want one thing when they’re talking to me.

I’m not saying this as a humble brag (as I say it’s only in hindsight I see I was conventionally attractive when i was young) or that pretty people have a harder time than plainer people. I just wanted to add my perspective which probably is quite rare in that I love the invisibility of plainness - I am now liked for my character alone. Ace.

I’ve been so much happier since I stopped caring whether others find me attractive. I know it’s easier said than done though getting older seems to help.
Physical beauty definitely doesn’t guarantee happiness from what I observe in others.

I think a lot of it is down to how you perceive yourself and the aura you give off.

Now- at times, I decide that I am stunning! And people react as if I am 😀Then, I'll see a picture of me and realise that I'm way heavier than I remembered, have a hooky nose like a witch, very fine thinning mousy hair, receding gums and eyebrows that were last tamed a decade ago. Then I'll decide I'm not stunning and I suddenly become invisible.

The good thing is, I have terrible eyesight and not the best memory - so the next day, back to stunning again 😉

(Also DP, my friends and my kids say I'm beautiful, that'll do for me)

Love yourself, OP, the only truly unattractive people are those who are ugly on the inside x

It's to blame tho and no one can deny that.

@Farmageddon · Yesterday 10:20
@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · Yesterday 10:04
I'm sorry you feel like this OP. I think sometimes we are our own worse critic, looks wise.

When you said this though -

I don’t know if it’s a touch of paranoia but I feel like other people (males especially but women too) are occasionally less polite to me, more likely to be blunt, inconsiderate, rude etc or treat me differently because I’m not nice to look at.

This has really struck a chord with me as I'm noticing this as I'm getting older (I'm 47). It's as if to many males if you aren't shaggable any more you are almost invisible. I don't mean I want their gaze IYSWIM but more if they are in a service capacity.
Unfortunately, this is something many women come to realise later in life - that so many men only give us the time of day, or consideration because we are young and pretty, and they are trying it on. Getting older for women is harder, not because of how we look, but because we don't get the benefit of being seen to have mature wisdom - e.g. 'silver fox' like men do - we are just considered old hags, unfuckable and not relevant. It's depressing.''

I really don't get this mentality.

This is only relevant is only value yourself by how many men find you attractive/what men think of you.

Why do you need to be ''seen to have wisdom''? why give your power away to men throughout your entire life? you hopefully gain wisdom as you go through life and you certainly should not need a man's permission to feel smart and powerful.

If the only way you can be happy is through external validation based on something so fleeting and shallow as your physical appearance and how many people think you are ''fuckable'' then I think this is a little sad...

Back to you OP I think what you have is a confidence issue. It is really hard if you start life being bullied at school and told that you look ''ugly'' to then realise that you are a completely normal looking person and that very few people have model looks.

You seem to have a loving partner and I would concentrate on enjoying your life rather than worrying about what other people think of you.

Women are conditioned to worry about their appearance all the time and to me that is just another sign of our misogynist world.

I hear you, OP. My older sister was the pretty one. I was the plain one. And my Mum was very vocal about it. My middle cousin has always been amazingly beautiful too - without make up - just take-your-breath-away naturally lovely. And one of my closest friends has always been stunning. It was hard being the plain, dumpy, ugly, one. And then add in the fact Mum wouldn’t let me get the braces my dentist recommended because she said it was “just vanity”, and as a result my crowded top teeth have always looked terrible. (but they are mine, and clean, and healthy…) Blimey!

But I agree with the poster upthread who said her attitude on a particular day can change how people see her. And i’ve realise as I got older that I was nice looking when I was younger, just not beautiful. And I am trying to age sort of gracefully. I subscribe to the Roald Dahl theory that how you are as a person gets etched onto your face as you get older…laughter and warmth and joy and friendliness…

I have nice skin and hair. I’m overweight (again!) and agree that the few times I’ve been slim I have been treated MUCH better by strangers. But I’m 52, and sometimes feel some freedom in the fact we all become less visible at this age. It is ridiculous, true enough, but even my beautiful friends and relations (who are IMO still beautiful) get less attention nowadays.

but yes, it’s all deeply unfair.

My older daughter has the beauty genes, but has retreated into an almost aggressively “don’t notice me” style after getting a lot of unwanted attention. It’s her way of dealing with it. I had a friend at Uni who did similar - amazingly beautiful, but did everything she could to look less attractive for quite a few years. So it’s not always easy even if you’re on the other side either.

Sorry to ramble on but I have thought about this a lot over the years. And I want to thank you for being so open and honest. This should get talked about more as we all have to deal with it one way or another.

Hi I'm so weirdly happy to have found this thread! I am an ugly one too. I was a fat, shy, awkward child who never had boyfriends in school. Things got better in my late teens when I discovered nightclubs and alcohol wworked on my confidence but I've always been the ugly one.

Often with posts like this, people who have never seen your face dismiss your feelings and say you're probably imagining it/who cares what others think/ drink more water etc etc. So it's nice to see some actual solidarity here (I've seen only one dismissive post).

I've never had a real relationship, always been left for other women. I've had lots of botox/filler over the years, use very expensive serums and creams, exercise and drink all the water. My skin is actually nice but I'm still ugly, I have massive bags under my eyes and when I smile I look like the wicked witch luring children to the oven :(. I'm also always shocked and disgusted when I catch my reflection.

I'm still generally a happy person but very aware of how poorly I am treated due to my face. My normal looking friends definitely get more from people than I do. I've never had a man flirt with me but my friends seem to genuinely love me. Sometimes I wonder if I my ugliness makes them feel better about themselves. Also, it's something ppl who aren't ugly will never understand.

I get that being beautiful has its troubles too however.

I'm sorry you feel that way OP... but you have a husband?! So you're clearly loved. Isn't that what counts?

(I on the other hand have never had a long term relationship, have had zero messages on online dating sites and have definitely never had anyone propose to me. Been single for 10 years. I've watched people marry divorce and marry again while I've stayed single. I think it's fair to say I don't have 'it' - whatever that is? But I'm happy and loved by family and friends.)

I was plain at school (no one looked at me)
I lost a lot of weight, went blonde and became like a doll in my twenties.
Have stayed attractive since and now in my forties with highs and lows along the way.

People do just say passive aggressive and clumsy things - I have had them at all stages. 99/100 it’s because of an insecurity in them and not to do with you.

It’s nice to be pretty.

It IS humblebragging (and embarrassing, tbh) when people reply with stories of how gorgeous they were but now they are old and plainer and oh, it’s so much better!

OP, what you have just said about people saying you look beautiful with makeup tells you something. Our perception of beauty (via the media etc etc) is defined by images of people who always wear makeup (yes, even in those no makeup shots), have styled hair, well cut, stylish clothes. If you want to compare yourself to these people then just do the same. I know that seems simplistic but I’ll be honest and say that I’m one of those people that in a bad photo can look quite ugly and in a good photo can look very attractive (large features, longish nose but good lips and bone structure). However, I always wear makeup, style my hair, wear a decently put together outfit (and it doesn’t need to cost a fortune - I buy a lot from charity/vintage/sales). When I can’t be arsed to do that I get very, very overlooked, no one ever looks at me, but when I do (most days) I walk confidently and have an air of attractiveness I think. It’s all ‘glamour’ (of a certain type), no reality much at all. I think much the same could be said for most people apart from the very young, beautiful types who make up only a small percentage. My husband is the same, when he scrubs up, does his hair/nice put together clothes he is very sexy, when he’s just got in from a bike ride and reveals his scraggy balding hair out of a helmet, not so much.

I very much admire people who don’t give a rat’s arse but equally I do so I nearly always try fairly hard to look fairly decent. I think either way is fine. I doubt that you are ugly (very few people I would say are UGLY, in fact I don’t even like the word) but perhaps there are things you could do to work on your self esteem.

Don't let people's back-handed compliments upset you OP. Someone I hadn't seen in 10 years (a friend of my DF's) saw me at the weekend and he didn't recognise me. When I said 'Hello X, it's maranella', he looked confused and replied 'I thought you were younger'. I actually laughed and said 'Well I was the last time you saw me'. I don't think he was meaning to be rude and he's in his late 70s so he's no spring chicken and who knows - perhaps he's having some issues with memory? But afterwards it did make me think 'Christ, have I really aged that much in 10 years that he seemingly didn't recognise me?'. The point I'm making is that it's easy to beat yourself up, because of a clumsy comment from someone who doesn't matter. It really is the person inside that's the important bit - not whether they present a face that's considered beautiful or young or whatever to the world.

Just take good care of yourself - your physical and mental health, your skin, your teeth and eyes - and wear make-up if it makes you feel better. God knows it makes most of us LOOK better, whatever the blank canvas we start with. And don't let rude or tactless people bring you down.

‘it's a bit like when you see an ugly baby you compliment the name’

made me laugh that!