Being an adult is hard and sad. Is everyone sad?

[Calciferess]

I'm struggling, I have various shit going on. I don't have children and don't plan to. Im 40.

My friends are wonderful but they're all sad and struggling too. Several of them have babies/children/old or dying parents too.

We're all just trying to work and survive our various issues. But we're all struggling so much that when we meet up it feels like none of us have time or capacity to hear each other, and definitely not to support each other. We're all drowning. And im not even one of those with kids.

I'm just a bit lost. We all needs someone to talk to but we're pretty much all at our limits, or our problems are so different that we can't understand each other. It feels like we all leave our meet ups even less supported.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I have a counsellor as do a few of the others.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s unusual a whole group is like this. It’s not the norm I think, but that doesn’t mean it’s uncommon.

This isn’t my experience at all. I’m sorry you and so many friends feel this way.

I’m not sure what would help you, presumably not people saying what I’ve said. Would it make you feel better or worse to think most people are in the same boat?

I'm sad and lost. My husband is a workaholic and I have three young children at home. My ability to do anything for myself is completely dictated my their needs and his schedule. 5 years ago I ran 10kms in just over one hour. Now I am fat, exhausted and grumpy. My family live on the other side of the country and all my local friends are balancing children and work so we finding very difficult to catch up regularly.

Oh my goodness! Sounds like my life at the moment too - I’m totally with you on this. Serious anxiety and health problems, toxic marriage breakdowns, no money, menopausal crap, end of life ageing parents - affecting all my close friends and family (and me) is weighing heavily atm. Chuck the horrific local and world news into the mix (way too much to list) it’s hardly surprising we’re feeling so much sadness. No magic wand unfortunately but just hope for some spring sunshine and good news soon! You’re not alone. Not at all. Sending love and light.

I can relate to this. Early 40s. Previously in our friendship group we were all generally happy, just with the odd blip at work or whatever to have a brief moan about and then move on and have fun spending time together. If one of us went through a difficult time (bereavement, illness as some examples) it would only be one of the group at a time so that rest could rally and we still collectively seemed upbeat. Now we've all got big stuff going on at once and I don't like the feeling at all!

I am sorry you all feel like this. I don't think it is the norm. What can you do to make it better? For me exercise is key. If I feel shit I go under. I am bipolar so spend a lot of time making sure I am eating right, sleeping right, exercising lots of else I will be very bad.
I realised years ago life was going to be tough and I could either see it all as bad or aim to be a half glass full sort of person. I don't manage it all the time but I know this is my only life and it will go soon enough so try and see the light in the dark. Cheesy but helps me.

No I'm not sad even though big
sad things have happened in my 40s.

My child and my niece and nephew bring me joy as does my job, my home, the park. My friends are ok too I think.

It’s really tough right now… post covid fatigue, cost of living crisis etc so more people are at mental health limits than before. Pre 2020 it would have been unusual for a friendship group to be overwhelmed but not so much now. It’s ok to be in it together and to hold each other’s hands. You’ll get there op

find things that make you happy

music
exercise
sport
travel
nature
voluntary work
new job
new creative hobby

Life can be very happy. Im broke and in terrible health and mostly feel happy. For me its birdwatching and running and football

Mental health issues are a huge problem but this certainly isn't my experience. I have a few friends with anxiety or depression but on the whole most are happy.
When you say you're all drowning, do you mean you have too much to do? I think people put pressure on themselves to have the house looking nice, everything perfect etc. But none of this stuff matters.
I think even if you don't understand what each other is going though, just listening and empathising helps; people need to be heard. You don't have to offer advice to each other. It can also help to not talk about these things when with friends, to give you all a break from your worries maybe. It sounds a bit overwhelming. Perhaps meet up with one friend at a time rather than a group.

I second what @Nimbostratus100 said.
I still have bloody horrible days (period related it seems).
I depend on my exercise.
Just joined a gym.
Enjoying my little bit of volunteering I do (can do from home as it's online).
Thinking of happy memories and things i love.
Retraining next year (big change but should lead to better things).
I'm just trying to be bold.
I don't have any friends (trust issues and stuck at home working around DH schedule) and not much money but I'm a firm believer that life can improve and there's always something good to try and focus on.

I am sorry to hear this.

It’s tough times at the moment and 40 can be mid battlefield years at home and work.

However, not having small kids should make it a bit easier to move out of it. It might help people give more specific thoughts if you said a bit more about what you are grappling with personally, but broadly I think you do need to make some space outside this friendship group, to let some light and air in. Is there something you’d like to try that might lead to meeting new people? Are you finding your counsellor effective?? Talking therapy can be really useful, but it can also keep you stuck if you just use it as a prop to talk rather than act, and not all counsellors spot this or act on it.

Not my experience. We’re a year into TTC which brings sadness but it’s balanced with so much good.

Thanks so much everyone. All of the similar/different stories are helpful

We're all just trying to survive aren't we. And we're responsible for looking for positives where we can.

I had no idea being an adult was going to be this tough.

Everyone I know is struggling to just keep their head above water just now. Me included.

I darent lean on anyone for fear of dragging them down with me.

I feel like you too OP. My immediate family, we all have demanding public-facing jobs. We all have long awful shifts. We see each other weekends but are too exhausted to have a a proper catch up. The rest of the week I wonder why I didn’t I talk about x,y,z but matter of fact is we were just too tired. When we have a conversation we keep repeating phrases as we aren’t engaged, I laughed on day with my dad as we asked each other if we were alright about three times! My sibling is having important surgery but he is so busy he forget to tell us and said “didn’t I WhatsApp you?” As we are too busy to even read our WhatsApp group we both had to check if he really told us 😂. My friends, same story we catch up every now and again but it takes a lot of effort to schedule. With DH who also has a very busy job we just about manage to go out on birthdays in fact he forgot mine but I didn’t mind he is so stressed and unwell after covid I didn’t even remind him. Sorry long reply I am here putting DD to bed, your post just described how I have been feeling. Now I worry about parents aging getting ill etc wondering where did time go?

Drowning here too, 2 under 5s, 2 jobs, marriage just a shell and no time to relax or enjoy things. Elderly parents needing support too. I'm chronically tired and stressed

I don't feel sad

I feel the same in my friendship group either they have cancer or their partner does. Husbands have cheated/left. Everyone is struggling in their own way. No ones life is easy and everyone is pretty sad. I’m probably the least affected as I’m only struggling coming to terms with my best friends cancer

@Adrelaxzz good post...

I hear you.

As someone who works in the public sector and mainly has friends who are also public sector workers (nhs, teaching, local gov) 13 years of relentless cuts mean that everything at work has now reached total breaking point. Add in Covid, and the tendency for so many people to be astonishingly rude and difficult (I suspect due to the psychological after-effects of lockdown isolation etc for many), it’s just too much to bear, on top of other life stresses such as family, middle age etc. oh yes, and increasing money worries due to low pay rises/ inflation.

I too am in a group of friends who are all ground down to dust and just don’t have the energy to be cheerful any more. You’re not alone!

Adulting is hard work. I found I had to work at it. I had to make conscious choices to be happy and find what works for me.
Exercise and getting out of the house helps a lot for me. I'm going back to old hobbies/crafts and that makes me more content.

Yes I agree.

Adulting can be wonderful, freeing, expressive, make you feel powerful but can also be a grind, boring , draining, never ending and that's before you start talking about being a parent.

The answer I think is to have some kind of faith and to find small things to be grateful for. Easier said than done. When other adults behave badly (at work for example, clients) I can feel very low sometimes. Sometimes it feels as though adult behaviour is getting much worse.

I have certainly felt like this in the past, and probably still would left to my own devices. I've made a conscious effort to fight against my propensity to make myself miserable though having spent a lot of time, money and effort on dragging myself out of this mindset

Things that help me are:

1. Spending time in nature (i know everyone says this, but everyone says this because it's true. Spending time looking at beautiful things is massively uplifting)
2. I swim because for me, I find being in water makes me happy and it's the only form of real exercise I enjoy
3. I have a long commute to work so I listen to podcasts that I find spiritually uplifting. Although sometimes I just listen to shit or Spotify
4. I really force myself sometimes to arrange things with family and friends. Sometimes all I want to do is nothing but I make myself get out of my lovely comforting bed on a weekend and once I'm out there I'm glad I did it
5. Mindfulness videos on YouTube help me
6. I take (a ton of) supplements. I take so many I don't even know which ones are beneficial anymore but overall I do feel better than I did when I took HRT and anti depressants
7. This is probably most important, I eat really well. I eat the best food I can afford to eat. I only eat organic which means I eat a lot less meat but what I do eat is high welfare and higher nutrition. And what I save on less meat I spend on decent organic fruit and veg
8. I undo 7 by drinking wine. It's organic though

Life can be hard sometimes. I've spent a lot of my life anxious and depressed and in my 50s I do feel the best I've ever felt. I have to work at it though. I don't think I'm a naturally happy person. Try some of my tips though. These things have worked for me, and to outsiders I appear incredibly happy and confident.

I'm with you OP.

We have a WhatsApp chat called Ain't middle age a bitch.

My closest friends all have something shit going on, bereavements, affairs, divorces, elderly parents etc etc. Every single one of us feeling sad about something. Ain't middle age a bitch.