Being an adult is hard and sad. Is everyone sad?

[Calciferess]

I'm struggling, I have various shit going on. I don't have children and don't plan to. Im 40.

My friends are wonderful but they're all sad and struggling too. Several of them have babies/children/old or dying parents too.

We're all just trying to work and survive our various issues. But we're all struggling so much that when we meet up it feels like none of us have time or capacity to hear each other, and definitely not to support each other. We're all drowning. And im not even one of those with kids.

I'm just a bit lost. We all needs someone to talk to but we're pretty much all at our limits, or our problems are so different that we can't understand each other. It feels like we all leave our meet ups even less supported.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I have a counsellor as do a few of the others.

Are you being bombed by the Luftwaffe on a daily basis?

Are you being hit by Russian missiles?

Thank your lucky stars.

Oh honestly we are allowed to feel sad because of our dying parents, divorces, affairs, losing friendships. And we are allowed to vent.

Yes, we bloody well are. You could even say to people being bombed "well at least you're not being experimented on in the camps". It's not the 4 Yorkshire Men.

We feel how we feel and we all want to be happy. None of us are deliberately being miserable just for the sake of it.

My friends and I joke we have hit the trifecta - our children are becoming adults, our parents are ageing/dying and we are all mostly menopausal. It’s shit.

We met for lunch today and the topics of conversation included:
Divorce
Dementia
Widowed mothers
Single parents/problem ex’s
New step mum
School Bullying
Drugs
Recovery - alcoholism
HRT
Failing eyesight
Cost of living
Mortgage renewal woes
Cancer
Weight issues
Sexual advances - unwanted
Anorexia

Other happier chat took place but that’s the reality in a small group of 5 women.

Tbh.... I can't stand the sound of myself whinging so I don't use my friends for every whinge.
We do message each other if something has happened etc and give support. If it's an emergency s**t situation we try and meet up about just that.
But our precious and few social meet ups are about having a nice time and getting away from stuff.
It's a mutual thing for us.
Life is too short for you all to sit and moan at each other

I hate it too. I know I moan all the time. All 3 of my kids have said they'd never ever even consider being an accountant because all they've heard their entire life is me moaning about my job. That was a shock to me, because in actual fact I really enjoy my job. But that's how I come across isn't it? Something that to me I find enjoyable, yet all 3 adult kids have said independently that all I do is moan about it and they don't want to be as miserable as me 😱

Fuck you. My friend took his own life this week. Seriously just fuck off with your glib shite.

I cannot believe someone was as crass to write shit like this. It's not a race to the bottom as to how miserable we can feel fgs.

Life is tough. Some times are sad and horrible, other times aren't. I don't feel constant sadness and my friends don't either, just at certain times.
I hope you're just going through a slice of life that's tough currently but will get better soon.

Insomnia bump

I can relate. I’m in my 50s but I do miss the carefree life I had in college. Being an adult has been mostly hardships for me - single parenting, financial worries, health problems, being let go from multiple jobs (not my fault) have just beat me down.

No - I'm in my forties as are most of my friends, and we are not sad. Our parents are ageing, or in some cases have died, and people have the usual issues with jobs, spouses and (increasingly) menopause. Some have faced tragic events. But we are the same people we always were, and truthfully I think we are about as happy or sad as we ever were. Most of us have a natural equilibrium which rebalances us after sad times, and we find we are enjoying life again.

I agree life is hard (career, kids, health problems, family dramas etc) but I'm not sad. The struggles make me appreciate and be grateful for everything I do have and I find happiness in the small things in life, even if the big things are going to shit!

This is a very good perspective. I have loads of shit going on and have been in tears and feeling hopeless about various things this week. But on the other hand, there is so much I am lucky for.

Fundamental to my happiness is that I'm not (any longer) in a shit relationship, I have a gorgeous dog, and supportive friends. My kids are amazing but not a source of happiness at this age!!

I agree with the poster who said happiness is a conscious effort. I'm naturally melancholic. I have to work really hard to feel okay.

I agree that being an adult is hard work but I don't feel sadness and I don't recognise this among my peers. In my experience people feel this way when they don't feel in control for whatever reason. You don't say what issues you are struggling with but whether it's health, relationships, money or something else I think they key is to accept the bits you can't control and to take charge of those you can. For example, a health diagnoses that can't be changed could be improved by lifestyle changes. A difficult relative who won't help themselves is not your problem. A dysfunctional relationship needs to be left. Money troubles, seek debt advice etc. What I mean is don't waste mental energy on what you can't change, also don't dwell on what might have been or regrets, just move forward. It's the glass half empty or glass half full scenario.

I hate my job at the moment but I accept it serves a purpose because it allows me to work part time and give time to my children, it has long holidays and it gives me some financial security should I ever need it. Those things are more important to me so I don't dwell on my abysmal career progression or lack of achievement.

I'm happy! I've had my struggles and have come through the other side.

Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything." –George Bernard Shaw.

I used to feel like this too op. But changing my attitude to life changed everything.
I used to fall apart at the first sign of hardship and cry about how difficult my life was and how it's one thing after another and I cant catch a break....but that's because I didn't trust myself to be able to get through it.

Now I tackle adversity with the attitude of "unless I'm goin to just lay down and die right here, I must believe that I can and will get through anything thrown at me and will hopefully have enough left over to give a hand to others".

Life is a struggle, it always will be, for everybody in one was or another.
We cannot control a lot of that. But we can control our attitudes towards it and try our best to be prepared.

That works for me though may not work the same for others.

So sorry to hear this OP, it sounds tough for you all

But no I (fortunately) can't relate. My friends and I have some awful things going on at various times, but I couldn't describe any of us as generally sad.

I hope things improve for you all soon.

I wonder what you are expecting from when you all meet up? Maybe it's something more than you can all collectively achieve. Sometimes it's just enough to say 'this is happening and it's shit' and you know someone has heard and recognise that it's out of anyone's control to change anything and then that can be enough. I don't generally think meeting up with friends is about me leaving feeling better about my emotional stuff because I am responsible for my own emotions, not them. I just see friends because I enjoy spending time with them. Therapy is my emotional dumping and processing ground, not my friendships. Anything more is asking too much of another person in my opinion. We can't solve it all for each other.

I can relate @Calciferess however I think sometimes friendship groups are the problem with competitive moaning, and that sort of negativity becomes the "culture" of your group. In my case my friends were a bunch of successful people in banking and law in London with values centring around hard work and career progression and financial success, but very negative and competitive. I ended up meeting a few people in a meditation course who were completely different, more free spirited artistic types and that really helped me step our of the vortex of sadness and negativity.

My friends and I are calling this stage of life “sniper’s alley”. Stress with children, ageing parents, menopause, illness, bereavement. Friends as well as relatives passing away. Life is still good but there is much sadness mixed in.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad.

I've certainly had the worst years of my life lately.

But although I've had days of crippling sadness overall I don't feel like life is sad or that most people I know are sad. Everyone has struggles and we go through periods where that certainly feels intense.

I recently lost a parent through a hideous illness (only early 60s) and so have a lot on my plate caring for the other parent who is also u well but thankfully not terminally so.

Also have had the stress of Covid closing our business and a child with SEN to worry about.

But. I have an incredible husband and wonderful friends and my daughter is growing into such a wonderful young woman.

I've been incredibly lucky to find a new job I love with supportive and fun colleagues.

No one's life is perfect (contrary to what social media can often portray) and I believe we need to be thankful for what we have and try our best to see the good in life and people.