Lady in the bank cried

[Wearefamily23]

A little complicated. But DD bank account was closed a while back something to do with fraud. We did not understand how or what had happend . Recently got advice on how to chase it up and look into it . Anyway dd realised it was from her DV situation. There is a section within the bank for people to seek help under dv. Dd spoke to someone on the phone went into quite a but of detail. She's also seem someone in the bank to give details speak about what happend etc.

So dd was told to write everything down as best she can about the dv and how it come to effect her bank account. They told her not to hold back and just put everything she can think of. And that they will help her typed it all up and get it sent to the people who deal with that sort of stuff.

Anyway the lady read through everything and cried she said how dd was so strong for all that she has been through. And she really felt for her etc. Was sad that the lady cried but also nice that she had empathy and understanding for DD.

Of course they would have been able to tell you if you were the joint account holder?!

I genuinely didn't realise that, Deviniaursula, and thought perhaps some "instructions" had to remain confidential

Looks like I perhaps shouldn't have apologised and bought the chocs after all!!!

Yes probably true . As dd has worked with professionals who see people going through DV and it does seem different.

I never knew this, makes sense now you say it though. Dd said the lady was lovely. And has Been really kind and helpful to dd.

I'm really sorry this happend to you. I hope things are better for you now . Its definitely good that things are changing regarding different types of DV and how its managed.

This is nothing to do with DV but one day I moved some money from one account to a current account because I wanted to move it into a saving with a building society. The bank lady very tactfully checked out whether I had a liar living in Africa who was madly in love with me but just needed money for some project. I smiled and assured her that I wasn't being exploited by anyone wicked. It was very nice to know that they are trained to notice and ask.

It should be widely publicized that banks are doing a lot for victims of DV (particularly, financial abuse). HSBC ran a great ad campaign last year about it.

This is good news. To add some more from my experience; recently two of the big 4 banks have been genuinely sympathetic towards two of our clients who are not digitally adept. They made time above standard working hours to make sure their financial accounts were robust but operable by us. To cede control to a third party is a massive flag for banks. They got it massively wrong in the past.
One client is a young influencer who cannot operate numerically, the other has suffered significant abuse and then financial fraud and we are working to get it back - but that will only work if we have some freeway. Both banks have gone the extra mile. I sense an injection of pragmatism. Green shoots with younger managers coming through I sense.

To close the account he would have had to have forged your signature, which meant they didn’t due sufficient checks

I don't want to hijack OP's thread, but TBF he didn't do that ... instead he was constantly countermanding my request that they send paper statements, because he didn't want me to see what was on them (as you can tell this was well before internet banking)

Looks like they could have told me he was doing that though, and I really regret that they didn't

I worry about the staff being expected to involve themselves in DV/exploitation scenarios. As with Mental Health First Aiders, staff with minimal training are exposed to situations that may remain with them for a very long time.
I'd like to think that a bank worker thwarting an abuser would be given enormous support if the abuser took it out on the customer, but I fear that there might be insufficient employee care provided.

I would say that the lady she spoke to had great empathy and maybe / probably had done some training. Hopefully her colleagues and line manager too so they could give her some support after that difficult conversation.
I’m sure that it wasn’t training in being a counsellor or therapist - she is human and even with training it’s really ok to show emotion, when someone tells you something sad of course it might bring up emotions in you too none of us are made of stone.
I hope you daughter is in a better place now op and getting her life back on track it must have been hard for her too to write down and talk about a difficult time in her life
(as an aside and to be honest I’m shocked they ask people to write all this down and reduce it all - as it could certainly create a situation where someone might suffer a setback or recurrences of mental ill health by just having to tell someone. )

In dd case she's OK with reflecting qbd talking about it. I totally get what your saying though. It could easily trigger someone or set them back .

What is dv ?

Domestic violence, Benjispruce4

I think I remember your other thread, was it your DD who couldn't open a bank with anyone because of it? I'm glad she's getting some help

Thanks @Puzzledandpissedoff so many abbreviations on Mumsnet sometimes!

You're very welcome, Benjispruce4

To be honest it is only now that I feel able to tell anyone what I went through with the monster in my life.

I still hear his words in my head.
I still despise myself.
I know I will never be the same again.
I will always look in the mirror and see the worthless piece of shit he always said I was.

I think it means a lot to others when people show that kind of empathy and understanding. Can be very comforting to know that even strangers are in your side. Wishing your daughter well for the future.

I thought it might be interesting to some of you to know that I am a mystery shopper and at least one of the big banks has a big MS programme where we have to pretend (or be a genuine sufferer of) various specific scenarios and report on how we are treated by the staff. I genuinely suffer from hearing difficulties and my MS for this was absolutely totally rubbish (they are supposed to put a note on your file, and as I wasn't even asked for my name, I think it's very very unlikely that they did this 😮Some of the other scenarios are suffering from financial difficulties, having difficulties understanding letters from the bank, gambling difficulties etc etc. There isn't one for DV specifically, but it's good that staff are getting some training and checking up on how they cope with problems (some of which are becoming horribly common nowadays).

She sounds like a very lovely, empathetic lady and I hope your dd is ok 💐

You are not a useless piece of shit. Please seek some help. No one should ever feel that way. 💐

I work for a bank and we’re not given enough training to deal with vulnerable customers. It’s better than it used to be but it’s no-where near enough. I spent 90 minutes on the phone to someone who’d been in an abusive relationship this week, whilst she broke her heart crying and telling me about all the awful things he did. I had to take a ten minute break to calm down and process my feelings after the call. I’ve had to deal with suicidal people and there’s a one page guide on how to handle those calls which is mainly procedural. Bank staff are often treated like counsellors nowadays with people telling us all their personal problems. I’ll absolutely do my best to help a customer in trouble, but we’re limited to what we can do. I hope your daughter continues to get the support she needs.