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Original poster

DS Uni dilemma- moving away vs staying at home

63 replies

Undercover11 · 09/02/2023 11:50

DS is 18 and got his offers from university. There is the uni local to us which is rated about 60th in the country in the league tables. It’s still a very good university and I went there myself and I had a great time. He also has an offer from a Russel group uni which is very prestigious in a city about 2 hours away from us. My (and his) dilemma is: while an RG university will be highly rated academically will it actually help him career wise? Moving away will be very costly and would mean we would have to use the money we have saved for a house deposit for him. Would he get the same student experience if he lived at home. Going to an RG would be a doubled edged sword as it would mean that he would have to work incredibly hard to get the grades to meet his offer and also in order to get a 2:1 it would mean a lot of hard work whereas at our local uni he could probably get a first and it would be a lot less work and pressure for him. So I guess I would ask what are the pros and cons of each opinion. DS (and myself) are unsure.

OP posts:

BarrelOfOtters · 09/02/2023 11:58

I've always thought part of going to Uni was that growing up, moving away, making new friends and finding out about a different area. Doing stuff that your parents won't find out about...

But if he's a pretty adjusted mature 18 year old with lots of mates, who has been around a bit and doesn't need that kind of exposure to new then there's a lot to be said for staying at home, certainly financially.

I think career wise it makes little odds these days. It's your work experience, life experience for most people.

FuckabethFuckor · 09/02/2023 12:00

I stayed at home to go to a local uni and I regret it to this day. I missed out on so much.

Comefromaway · 09/02/2023 12:01

A lot depends on the course. If he is studying something like English or History or Maths then a degree from a RH university (plus the likes of Bath, Loughbrough etc) is likely to have more standing with future employers.

However some vocational/technnology/healthcare type courses are better rated and have better industry links at some of the lower ranking universities.

You may also find that he has more chance of part time employment in a city.

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18 years old Higher education

BarrelOfOtters · 09/02/2023 12:06

To answer your question, no I don't think you get the same Uni experience - is it worse - I'm not sure - but it's different. There's also something about living with a bunch of people you don't know that can be useful in later life.

Gruelle · 09/02/2023 12:07

Why would it be ‘very costly’ for him to attend a university two hours away? (It’s hardly ‘moving away’, anyway.) Surely in addition to his fees he’ll receive whatever maintenance he’s entitled to based on your income. If your income is low it’s likely he’ll be awarded a bursary towards his costs. And most students have part time jobs, either term time or during vacations, to top up their incomes.

Hard to understand why you wouldn’t want him to go to the very best university his results can achieve?

Yes, a highly regarded university (whether officially ‘Russel Group’ or not,) will greatly enhance his prospects on graduation and probably throughout his life. So - unless the ‘60th in the league tables’ place is a global leader in the subject he’ll be studying - he should of course take the better offer.

No, you cannot have the same ‘university experience’ as a young adult if you live at home. The whole point is to learn to live independently amongst your peers.

What does your son feel - outside of your reservations? Are you sure it’s not you who is intimidated by the RG offer?

Movinghouseatlast · 09/02/2023 12:08

It depends whether he wants to work harder, wants to go to a prestigious university, wants to leave home.

I regret going to my local university ( though it was Russel group) because it was too easy to stick with my local friends, boyfriend, job. Nothing new happened at all- it was like school for me. I still find making friends hard because I didn't ever have the sink or swim experience at university. I also knew the city too well- there was no discovery of a new place, no exploring.

Comefromaway · 09/02/2023 12:10

I'm assuming the OP's income is such that the ds will not get a full loan and so it will be cheaper for him to live at home than for them to have to pay rent for him to live elsewhere.

Does he actually want money for a house deposit. My own dd moved to London for postgrad and told us that she can't ever see herself buying property due to the area she wants to live in and type of career she wants.

Nineteenton · 09/02/2023 12:10

DS spent a couple of months at a RG University before deciding the course itself wasn't for him and is planning on our local uni for this year. What he learnt was that level of workload wasn't enjoyable for him, therefore the type of employment asking for such a university background also probably wouldn't be enjoyable for him.

However, he will be going into halls locally because being at home cannot replicate the ease of friendship and ease of integration into university life and all the skills you learn not at home. Whether he moves back in after year 1 is up to him.

Gruelle · 09/02/2023 12:11

Absolutely what @Movinghouseatlast says.

Don’t you want that adventure for your son, @Undercover11 ?

AnnPerkins · 09/02/2023 12:11

But with finances being the way they are for young people nowadays, isn't there less chance they can afford their own place after university if they go away? Won't they end up just having to move back into their old bedroom after they graduate?

If they stay at home for university perhaps they can get some money behind them and move out permanently sooner?

Just musing really, my DS is only in year 9 so not a choice he'll have to make for a few years yet. DH and I didn't go to university, it was the late 80s and we both moved into shared houses with friends when we started work at 18.

Comefromaway · 09/02/2023 12:13

Not necessarily Ann. Dd moved to London and when she graduated stayed there as there was more opportunity for interim work there whilst she job hunted.

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/02/2023 12:16

I would encourage your DS to move away and broaden his horizons. He should take up the RG offer - why wouldnt he?
My DS will be going away and is looking forward to the independence.

WeWillLookBack · 09/02/2023 12:27

Our Son has 5 offers - 4 Russel Group. He is doing Law, so has chosen the one with the best rating for Law - but it is the closest to us. We are insisting he moves to Halls for the first year - after that he can decide. I think he needs this, to help him develop and grow as a person and really throw himself into Uni life. He is at the age where he was effected by the lockdowns. At 15 / 16 he should have been doing more with his friends. I would hate for him to miss out of that chance at Uni

Twizbe · 09/02/2023 12:39

My friend stayed at home while at uni. She was riding for Great Britain at the time so needed to be with her horse.

She missed out on a lot, with both the living at home and competing.

She'd stopped riding by our 4th year and moved into halls. She regretted staying at home but at the time there was a real shot for her to be Olympic standard.

mindutopia · 09/02/2023 12:40

I think you need to take the RG bit out of the equation. That said, I am a lecturer at a RG uni and I do think that attending a 'better' uni in the eyes of the majority probably does help you get noticed a bit more when it comes to applying for jobs - but that's very far in the future still.

If it's a uni at home and a uni away, personally yes, I'd go with moving away. It's such an important life stage and there are so many benefits to living independently and spreading your wings, etc. I think it's the most important part of uni.

That said, if cost is an issue. Could you use the house deposit money to buy a buy to let for next year. DS could live in it with friends from halls or could take on student lodgers. I know a few people who did this and it meant they had very little living expenses and the house ultimately grew in value by the time they came to sell it later on when they had graduated.

CosyFanTucci · 09/02/2023 12:42

Absolutely go for the Russell Group uni. 100%. Not only because it will make a significant difference to his CV but the whole point of university is to become more independent.

Rummikub · 09/02/2023 12:42

What subject?

Clymene · 09/02/2023 12:47

CosyFanTucci · 09/02/2023 12:42

Absolutely go for the Russell Group uni. 100%. Not only because it will make a significant difference to his CV but the whole point of university is to become more independent.

Taking the whole living away from home/at home bit out of the debate, I'm curious why you're so confident that where you do your degree is more important than what degree you come out with.

Do you work in graduate recruitment?

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 09/02/2023 12:52

I went to my local uni, got the bus in every morning, did my lectures, sat in the computer room with a couple of friends for a few minutes then got the bus back home again to watch Countdown with my mam and dad. I really regret not getting involved in anything social, or even in terms of doing and understanding the work. I just went home and tried to fathom it out myself and ended up barely scraping through.

My son could be on course for amazing opportunities (year 10 at the moment) and although I know he would hate it initially and has already said he is 'absolutely not' going to university of any kind, I would love him to spread his wings and go.

If you get the chance to go to a good university and you can make it work financially, I would say go and have the full experience. BUT!!! Everyone I know / work with who left school and went straight into work are doing really well, enough money for a house deposit, car etc; and those who did go to uni have spent the past 20 years scraping by. It certainly hasn't given me any advantage, and I won't be pushing my kids to go...

Twizbe · 09/02/2023 12:58

@Clymene I used to and for some big employers. While we'd blind screen and accept applications from any uni, we only spent our advertising budgets in certain places.

The only time I ever went to no RG unis was when we were after specific courses. Quantity Surveying was a prime example. At the time no RG unis offered the accredited course we wanted.

MrsJBaptiste · 09/02/2023 13:00

Absolutely go away to University, the experience is not a 'Uni' experience if you stay living at home. Much as though I miss my eldest so much, I would have hated him to go to a local University and live at home and to be honest, would have thought it better for him to get a job at 18 rather than do that.

My son went last September and after a shitty couple of covid years at college, he could not wait to go away to Uni and has thrown him into everything - living/cooking for himself, sports clubs, nights out and course work (although this definitely comes bottom of that list!)

Winemygoodenemy · 09/02/2023 13:01

I stayed at home to go to uni. I missed out some independent living, but still had a uni experience. I went out with new uni friends, stayed after lecture for drinks. My parents knew I was at uni and I wanted the uni experience. Just wasnt allowed boys to stay.

I moved out as soon as I graduated and adjusted to independence. Moved countries and jobs, bought my own house. I just left home with no debts. I had a job throughout and my parents let me be myself. I cooked for myself and cleaned.

I don’t think I missed out. Advantage of no debts and starting my proper life with a clean slate.

but my mum made me independent made sure I could function alone.

Chihuahuasrule · 09/02/2023 13:04

What does he want to do?

Pipsquiggle · 09/02/2023 13:09

I think this massively depends on the course and the industry he wants to go in - Law, medicine, maths, some humanities, accounting / finance would definitely go for RG.

Other courses are better at non-RG unis. I went to an 'old poly' for the course - it had an outstanding reputation in the industry I wanted to go in so got a job easily.

Either way, moving away to university was amazing for me - I lived about 2 hours away, which meant I could come home fairly often. Having said that, my family didn't have the same financial pressure that you are under.

titchy · 09/02/2023 13:14

Well you clearly see the RG as a superior institution if you think it'll be far easier for him to get a first at the local one - that suggests you think your local uni is a bit shit to be frank. On that basis alone I'd say RG.

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