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Original poster

DS Uni dilemma- moving away vs staying at home

63 replies

Undercover11 · 09/02/2023 11:50

DS is 18 and got his offers from university. There is the uni local to us which is rated about 60th in the country in the league tables. It’s still a very good university and I went there myself and I had a great time. He also has an offer from a Russel group uni which is very prestigious in a city about 2 hours away from us. My (and his) dilemma is: while an RG university will be highly rated academically will it actually help him career wise? Moving away will be very costly and would mean we would have to use the money we have saved for a house deposit for him. Would he get the same student experience if he lived at home. Going to an RG would be a doubled edged sword as it would mean that he would have to work incredibly hard to get the grades to meet his offer and also in order to get a 2:1 it would mean a lot of hard work whereas at our local uni he could probably get a first and it would be a lot less work and pressure for him. So I guess I would ask what are the pros and cons of each opinion. DS (and myself) are unsure.

OP posts:

BettyBoo123456 · 09/02/2023 13:25

What does your son really want to do OP and how does he really feel about both Uni’s? Has he had a part time job before? If he worked in the summer when he finishes his A levels he would have some savings to put towards his living expenses if he opted for the RG Uni.

DH moved out to go Uni and had an absolutely fantastic time which really helped him grow as a person he still mentions things now in his mid to late 50’s. His sister went to the local Uni (and came home to her mum and dad cooking tea every day) and babying her every night and went out with the same dodgy boyfriend she had at school for years. She struggled socially and moving away to Uni would likely have been the making of her.
I went to a local Uni as a mature student and didn’t really have the same experience as I was going home to DH.

My DS PFB is in in his first year at a prestigious Uni now and he is having the absolute time of his life negotiating his social life, making new friends with people from totally different backgrounds, managing his money, time and getting used to doing his own shopping, cooking, washing and keeping his room tidy. Although I was heart broken at thought of him going and we are topping up his ML (so costing us a small fortune). He has grown so much and it has been the absolute making of him. I would encourage him to opt for the RG Uni and the experience of living away from home.

LIZS · 09/02/2023 13:26

Very much depends on the course and connections the uni has with any related career routes. Is the local one 60th for the subject or overall? Different unis have different strengths.

Petronus · 09/02/2023 13:26

AnnPerkins · 09/02/2023 12:11

But with finances being the way they are for young people nowadays, isn't there less chance they can afford their own place after university if they go away? Won't they end up just having to move back into their old bedroom after they graduate?

If they stay at home for university perhaps they can get some money behind them and move out permanently sooner?

Just musing really, my DS is only in year 9 so not a choice he'll have to make for a few years yet. DH and I didn't go to university, it was the late 80s and we both moved into shared houses with friends when we started work at 18.

I think a lot of students do move home after graduating, but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that the experience of living somewhere else is valuable. I also don't think three years of being a student at home would actually leave you in the position to jump on the housing ladder anyway.

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18 years old Higher education

KirstenBlest · 09/02/2023 13:33

he would have to work incredibly hard to get the grades to meet his offer and also in order to get a 2:1 ... whereas at our local uni he could probably get a first and it would be a lot less work and pressure for him.

Is it the same subject at both universities?

ChicoryDip · 09/02/2023 13:35

IMO there's two separate questions here...

Does DC want to have the 'full' university experience living away from home, learning to budget, meet new people, have independence etc? That will be very different if he lives at home and just travels in every day - no right or wrong answer but a big consideration and for many people going away to university is an important first step to properly growing up.

The other question depends on the course. Just as an example, a subject such as Maths at Huddersfield with BBB entry or Maths at Nottingham with A*AA entry may be perceived differently by future employers or if he's likely to be considering any sort of post-grad. For different subjects it may not be a consideration but, rightly or wrongly, the university's perceived reputation for a subject could be important in the future.

If he just wants to live at home and get an 'easy' degree he's still going to be paying off tuition fees and he needs to be sure that it's worth the investment. Maybe a non-university route might suit him better.

I think you need to sit down with DS and let him talk through his thoughts around the above.

Ponderingwindow · 09/02/2023 13:35

living With other students and fully immersing in the university experience is a life transforming experience. It is where people make adult friendships that last a lifetime. It is where people meet future spouses. It also allows a maturation into adulthood with a safety net of starting in student halls and having the university support network. Living at home is much cheaper, but if the money can be found, it is worth being a residential student.

SquashPenguin · 09/02/2023 13:39

He categorically will not have as good an experience if he stays at home. University is more that studying, it’s an opportunity to really live, and at 18 it’s the most incredible experience. I was the only one out of my friendship group who moved away to university. They all hated uni, and could wait to finish, to them it was an extension of school, just a more lonely one. Their course friends went back to their halls/ shared houses, they went home on their own.

I had the best three years of my life at uni, wouldn’t have changed it for a second.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 09/02/2023 13:49

Just to add, I had a few friends at uni who lived at home in 1st year, and all moved out in 2nd and 3rd year to live in houseshares etc so didn't save on accommodation and living costs 🤣

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 09/02/2023 13:49

A First is the same level regardless of University. That's why Universities employ external examiners from other Universities on their exam boards to ensure parity across the sector, so suggesting that it's easier to obtain a First at a less well rated University is nonsense.

I say this as an ex HoD at a Russell Group University.

Mariposista · 09/02/2023 13:50

By staying at home he is basically going to a 'more difficult' secondary school. He needs to grow up and experience living away, making his own choices, budgeting, scheduling his own day, cooking, making mistakes. Can't he apply for student finance?

VenusClapTrap · 09/02/2023 14:07

What does he want to do? I would be led by his feelings on this.

LIZS · 09/02/2023 14:08

Dn studied locally, enjoyed the course, but made few uni friends, is still living at home at 26 and working locally.

Elliania · 09/02/2023 14:24

I moved away to go to uni. My partner stayed home and lived with his Dad. I think if we did it again he'd probably move away too - he really missed out on a lot of the social aspects.

babyfrenchie · 09/02/2023 14:25

100% he should have the experience of moving away and being independent. Living on your own is the best part about uni! Plus it's a better school so that's a no brainer.

welshpolarbear · 09/02/2023 14:26

FuckabethFuckor · 09/02/2023 12:00

I stayed at home to go to a local uni and I regret it to this day. I missed out on so much.

Same, and it was 25 years ago.

Pipsquiggle · 09/02/2023 14:27

Also, you need to think about whether it would be good for your DS to leave your area. I lived in a poor town and I thank my lucky stars that I left when I went to Uni. It opened my eyes to opportunities that were just nonexistent in my home town.

ArcticSkewer · 09/02/2023 14:33

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 09/02/2023 13:49

I say this as an ex HoD at a Russell Group University.

Nonsense, and if you worked in a low ranking uni you would understand why.

Externals come from similar institutions. It's not like Oxford are working with Oxford Brookes and making sure their firsts are of similar standard.

Hbh17 · 09/02/2023 14:34

100% he should move away. It is an opportunity for him to properly start his adult life, away from the parental home. Why would any parent want to deny their child this experience?
Plus, if the more distant uni is a better-rated university anyway then it really is a "no brainer".
And the bottom line is that this should be completely the student's choice - it's nothing to do with the parents.

sevenbyseven · 09/02/2023 14:37

You said "Going to an RG would be a doubled edged sword as it would mean that he would have to work incredibly hard to get the grades to meet his offer"

For me this alone is a good reason to aim for the RG uni, as you're suggesting it will be an incentive to work harder and get better A-level grades! Employers do look at A-levels as well as degrees.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 09/02/2023 14:38

if he stays at home you are basically extending the 6th form experience, where he attends for some hours during the day and then goes back home to have his needs meet by his family.

My siblings did that, I went away, our experience of university is completely different, I got more out of the experience, it took me into other interesting routes and I became financially independent much much earlier than my siblings did. Being in a more demanding institution also gave me access to better facilities, better work placements and really opened my options.

Even if he stays at the local university, it is very important that he lives at college with other students at least for the first year of Uni, otherwise he will miss on all those important connections that are built while you are fully immersed with a group of people who have the same interests as you,

60th is not bad but it is not within the top 50% either. I suppose you are considering this option in more detail because your child doesn’t want to stay locally? I wouldn’t take away his opportunity to attend a top university just to save in accommodation, especially when the student loan may cover most of his expenses.

sevenbyseven · 09/02/2023 14:41

ArcticSkewer · 09/02/2023 14:33

Nonsense, and if you worked in a low ranking uni you would understand why.

Externals come from similar institutions. It's not like Oxford are working with Oxford Brookes and making sure their firsts are of similar standard.

Show quote history

Completely agree. It's ridiculous to suggest that a 2:1 from Oxbridge or Cambridge is worth less than a First from the University of West London.

ifonly4 · 09/02/2023 14:41

Some things to consider. Firstly, I'd look at which course he feels is best for him. Next, is he likely to end up working for a large well known employer? If yes, they'll get a large amount of applications and anything you've got under your belt to help you stand out is going to be better. Also, if he's likely to end up working away straight after uni, the more independent he is the better. My DD is in last year at uni, there is absolutely nothing we do for her - she sorts out her own tax, permit for abroad, has been known to phone an embassy and border police to sort her own problems out etc. If you haven't got used to doing things like that, it's going to be a shock when an employer expects you to just get on with it.

blobby10 · 09/02/2023 14:44

My DS (now 25) got a 1st from Kings College London in Maths - chose Kings because they had one of the highest percentages after Oxford and Cambridge for getting jobs within a year of graduating. Didn't work for him - combination of Brexit and Covid stopping City firms recruiting along with him deciding to steer his career in another direction as he finished studying. There may never be a 'best choice' to be honest.

familyissues12345 · 09/02/2023 14:44

My husband stayed at home for Uni and still regrets it now. The one (big) positive was that he had a mortgage by 23 as he'd saved a lot of money for a deposit, but he still was adamant DS was to go and live at a Uni

He just felt he missed out on the social side, cooking together etc

Toddlerteaplease · 09/02/2023 14:47

FuckabethFuckor · 09/02/2023 12:00

I stayed at home to go to a local uni and I regret it to this day. I missed out on so much.

Same here. Yes it saved me a lot of money. But I really missed out on the social side. Though as student nurses I'm not sure how much we'd have got of that anyway. But we missed the freshers Fair as we started in January, and our campus was half an hour away from the rest of the university. So never got a chance to join things or find my tribe.

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