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Original poster

DSD stole money

62 replies

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 22:23

She’s 13. We can’t prove it but it’s only DH and I and he put £50 in a drawer last night and £20 is gone today. Nobody else has been in the house and our other DC are too small. She’s been sneakily taking things (e.g my makeup or jewellery, chocolate/crisps/fizzy drink) and then refusing point blank to admit it even when caught red handed. She lies about little things like brushing her teeth and has several times been caught with social media accounts she’s not allowed to have. She comes home from school with sweets and energy drinks that ‘her friends gave her’.

We are at our wits end here. She can be so loving and lovely. We have a good relationship and really most of the time she would get get the things she wants if she would just ask (but she NEVER does). Things are good with her mum and that side of the family too. She has a nice life there and a nice life with us (although I do appreciate that having 2 separate lives must be incredibly difficult for a child even if that’s all she has ever known).

Any advice would be so so appreciated. We just want to get to the bottom of this behaviour and help her.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 08/02/2023 22:30

Is she allowed treats at both houses?

I'm concerned that she's stole money to buy sweets / fizzy drinks etc.

Could be start of an eating disorder if she's not allowed them at home then binging when alone?

Fairyliz · 08/02/2023 22:43

She doesn’t have a nice life though does she. Going from home to home whilst her younger siblings get to live with their parents full time.
Add teenage hormones into the mix something is bound to go wrong.

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 22:45

Yes she’s allowed them in both houses. She was mostly allowed to snack as she pleased but was then not eating her dinner etc so we said she just had to ask before taking anything. Agree that’s likely to be what she’d be stealing money for.

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Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 22:53

Thanks for that constructive advice! There’s really nothing I or anyone else can do about that is there?

OP posts:
FavouriteSlippers · 08/02/2023 23:09

Does she have pocket money. Is she stealing to have the same as her friends?
Is there any jealousy between her and the small dcs. Ie see them have new items or clothes?
I think maybe confront her?

Pigeonchested · 08/02/2023 23:15

We think our dd (14) might be shoplifting too. I have been googling it and it is really really common in young teens - I can’t prove anything (bit like you) but I have found things (small things, like mascara) that I don’t think she has the money for but she says her friend has given her etc.
I don’t have any advice I’m afraid as I’m just as clueless - I hope someone else can help us both! But good luck. My dd is lovely too, I just think at that age they love the thrill and don’t think ahead of possible consequences but it’s definitely worth remaining calm (especially with no proof) and also remind them perhaps of what could happen if they’re caught.

AG247 · 08/02/2023 23:51

Can’t comment on the stealing but I believe it’s quite common. What opportunity does she have to earn extra cash? And what kind of allowance does she have? That could be an issue.

Regarding the snacks, I think it’s pretty unhelpful to ask her to report to you on what she’s eating. It can create food shame or other eating issues. Maybe you could buy her her own snacks for a cupboard or something like that? Teenagers can be difficult eaters as it is but you don’t want to discourage her from eating at all if she doesn’t want to eat family dinner for example…

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 06:53

Thanks for the suggestions. She does have pocket money, a bank account with all her Christmas/birthday money in it (which ends up being a lot as she has 2 families/4 sets of grandparents/ lots of aunties uncles and family friends) and Dh always gives her cash if going shopping with friends.

r.e. Jealousy of siblings - she did in the past feel jealous that they only had to have one home. She absolutely adores them though and I don’t think she would be jealous of their possessions. I buy them second hand clothes while she gets whatever new clothes she needs from whatever shops are ‘cool’ (thankfully primark at the moment).

She doesn’t have to ‘report’ what she eats- but just ask ‘can I have some crisps’ etc and I’ll say yes or no because dinner is being served etc…Her own snack drawer is interesting.. I could buy her snacks she likes to last the whole week and when they are gone they are gone. But I would see her just wanting to take more of ours (I find large sharing bags under her pillow etc). Fizzy drinks we found her pouring into plastic cups, or saying that she’s having a cup of tea when it’s actually a hot chocolate. She can make a hot chocolate whenever she likes so I’m not sure why she had to hide it!

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 06:55

Tell her you aren't stupid and want her to stop nicking things. Then put a lock on your door

watchfulwishes · 09/02/2023 07:02

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 22:53

Thanks for that constructive advice! There’s really nothing I or anyone else can do about that is there?

You could try to be more understanding, has anyone discussed her feelings about her situation?

You said she has a nice life, but does she? Is she free to be honest in your home? Or does she have to agree she has a nice life?

It can be very hard splitting life between two homes especially when younger half-siblings appear to have a 'better' situation.

None of her misdemeanors seem unusual but I would want to understand more and offer help to stop them becoming entrenched.

Children often steal money/food as a proxy for love. I would be considering this carefully.

watchfulwishes · 09/02/2023 07:04

Agree food shaming is to be avoided and her own snack stock could help give control. Or alternatively reduce the stores in the house in general to remove that issue.

Either way make less fuss not more.

rogueone · 09/02/2023 07:21

You shouldn’t assume she is happy and no longer jealous. She is a teen and hormones all over the place. I found it difficult seeing my dad and his new family. Had to smile and put a brave face on but actually I was quite angry. He never made time for me

as for the sweets, high energy drinks and SM accounts- totally normal at that age. If you restrict and monitor kids become sneaky and are at more risk of exploitation on those platforms. It is better to have an open discussion and monitor the usage rather than banning. She will just get a mate to set up account for her instead and use it when she sees them. Does the father here do any of the parenting btw? She may want time with him

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 07:25

I’d like to resolve this without locks!

i’ll try buying her her own snacks. We’ve already stopped keeping fizzy drinks in the house but this has increased the amount of cans we find in her bag or room that her ‘friend gave her’.

in terms of finding living in 2 places with younger siblings difficult- her mum has no other children so she gets the full attention of her and SD half the week. We do our best - she has an hour of just DHs time every night while I settle the little ones. They have one day on her weekends that is just for them and they take it in turns to choose what to do. She has expressed sadness in the past and we’ve always addressed it but talking openly with her and she’s had counselling (which went well- the counsellor worked with her for a few weeks and then said she felt that she wasn’t needed any more as the issues she had expressed were resolving and they were just chatting in their sessions)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 07:33

Yes DH does most of the parenting. I’m just here looking for ideas to support him

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 09/02/2023 07:36

I wouldn't go down the 'separate box of snacks for her' route I think that's weird and making more of an issue than it needs to be. It also make her an outsider to the family.
Does she have enough money for her age? I've ignored mine buying the odd grab bag and coke on the way home - they are slim, fairly healthy, teeth okay. But they've always had pocket money and an allowance so they can have a Costa in town and buy a lip balm etc .
I don't think stealing snacks is a thing - I just keep a snack shelf, toastie maker, etc around but I've also always had packs of coke, crisps, bread, pain au chocolat etc so they can make pasta or a toastie before dinner (which is a bit later now).

Tickledtrout · 09/02/2023 07:39

Try and approach this with a bit more curiosity. It's not a moral failure that she likes cans of fizzy drink. "Stealing"... Often it's not really about the money but about pressure or stress they feel and the status and freedom of having cash without a judgy conversation about what it's being spent on.
She's the first teenager in the house and you have to learn together how to navigate that.
You make it sound as if she should be grateful for her life - that's not really how teens roll you know. Whatever you think she needs more and different right now.
Where's her dad in this btw?
How much pocket money does she get?

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 07:55

I think I’ve answered your questions in my posts above

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 08:01

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 07:25

I’d like to resolve this without locks!

i’ll try buying her her own snacks. We’ve already stopped keeping fizzy drinks in the house but this has increased the amount of cans we find in her bag or room that her ‘friend gave her’.

in terms of finding living in 2 places with younger siblings difficult- her mum has no other children so she gets the full attention of her and SD half the week. We do our best - she has an hour of just DHs time every night while I settle the little ones. They have one day on her weekends that is just for them and they take it in turns to choose what to do. She has expressed sadness in the past and we’ve always addressed it but talking openly with her and she’s had counselling (which went well- the counsellor worked with her for a few weeks and then said she felt that she wasn’t needed any more as the issues she had expressed were resolving and they were just chatting in their sessions)

I get that but if my DSCs kept stealing my stuff I'd get a lock. One of my DSC's used one of my lipsticks once so they had to buy me another one out of their pocket money. I also hide my fancy moisturiser when they are here as they aren't subtle about nicking that either. They think I'm stupid or something.

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 08:03

OneFrenchEgg · 09/02/2023 07:36

I wouldn't go down the 'separate box of snacks for her' route I think that's weird and making more of an issue than it needs to be. It also make her an outsider to the family.
Does she have enough money for her age? I've ignored mine buying the odd grab bag and coke on the way home - they are slim, fairly healthy, teeth okay. But they've always had pocket money and an allowance so they can have a Costa in town and buy a lip balm etc .
I don't think stealing snacks is a thing - I just keep a snack shelf, toastie maker, etc around but I've also always had packs of coke, crisps, bread, pain au chocolat etc so they can make pasta or a toastie before dinner (which is a bit later now).

The ‘free access to snacks’ is something we had in the past but was then finding sharing bags of crisps and 2L bottles of Coke down the side of her bed so that wasn’t really working either.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 09/02/2023 08:09

There's a chapter in the Phillipa Perry parenting book about teens lying that really helped me. Basically she says it's a normal developmental stage you shouldn't make a massive fuss about.

Stealing from the family is different to my mind and she needs a sit down chat about what's going on in her life. If you or DH can't do this because she won't open up on a long drive or something that's your problem and the relationship needs attention.

As I wrote 'stealing from the family' I started to wonder if that's the issue - there's the family and then there's her. She can't get away with nicking 20 quid obviously (if you are 100% CERTAIN she has) but I wouldn't be punishing I'd be wanting to find out why.

Picturesonthewall123 · 09/02/2023 08:10

I would sit her down and say we know you have been stealing, what we want to understand is why. Are you happy, do you feel upset, are you jealous of x,y,z are you being bullied.

Say you can buy more snacks she likes to have in the house if needed.

Then say it’s a clean slate what is done is done. If you notice her stealing again this is the consequence (whether it be paying you back or replacing items even if she doesn’t admit it, if you both have strong thoughts shes stolen)

Make sure she knows her dad and you are there to talk to whenever needs

OneFrenchEgg · 09/02/2023 08:11

I do feel for you, you want to get it right and also not just allow her to use up everything you buy. We had (at that age, still do even though some are mid 20s!!) sweets on Saturday so any confectionary was given to them then, we bought eg a bar of chocolate each - this was a dh thing as he was working so much he hardly saw them.
I tend to buy slightly healthier junk, like baked crisps etc, but it's all still snacky junk really.
Can you get dh to talk to her? Like we've set up a new rule for everyone due to cost of living, ask before taking something, try to make toast if you can etc

Ireallywantsomechips · 09/02/2023 08:29

How are you finding the hidden stuff? Like the sharebags under the pillow and coke down the side of the bed, drinks in her bag etc. When cleaning? Why would you need to go in her bag?

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 08:58

Ireallywantsomechips · 09/02/2023 08:29

How are you finding the hidden stuff? Like the sharebags under the pillow and coke down the side of the bed, drinks in her bag etc. When cleaning? Why would you need to go in her bag?

yes, cleaning her room- with her present I might add!!

OP posts:
WhenItIsRaining · 09/02/2023 08:58

A lot of teens go through a stage when you cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouths. It can be shocking at first but truly, it is not at all uncommon.

Don't try to catch them in their lies or be too confronting. Talk about scenarios say, you heard from someone at the gym that their son had been taking money and how it had left the parents unable to buy something they needed, how hurt they were etc. If you confront them, they deny and then dip into shame and that doesn't help anyone. They need space to recover and redeem themselves.

Lots of patience, gentle handling. Reduce temptation (lock everything away!)
Praise kindness, thoughtfulness, considerate behaviour, good manners. Tell her little stories about how you can tell her siblings look up to her. As her confidence grows, the negative behaviours will fall away.