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Original poster

DSD stole money

62 replies

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 22:23

She’s 13. We can’t prove it but it’s only DH and I and he put £50 in a drawer last night and £20 is gone today. Nobody else has been in the house and our other DC are too small. She’s been sneakily taking things (e.g my makeup or jewellery, chocolate/crisps/fizzy drink) and then refusing point blank to admit it even when caught red handed. She lies about little things like brushing her teeth and has several times been caught with social media accounts she’s not allowed to have. She comes home from school with sweets and energy drinks that ‘her friends gave her’.

We are at our wits end here. She can be so loving and lovely. We have a good relationship and really most of the time she would get get the things she wants if she would just ask (but she NEVER does). Things are good with her mum and that side of the family too. She has a nice life there and a nice life with us (although I do appreciate that having 2 separate lives must be incredibly difficult for a child even if that’s all she has ever known).

Any advice would be so so appreciated. We just want to get to the bottom of this behaviour and help her.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 09/02/2023 11:15

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 09:38

I think I’ve addressed this already 🙄 it’s not a situation we can change. Her mum made this decision a long time ago and feels no end of guilt about it.

And to answer your question I DID do it as a child and would still consider myself has having a great childhood.

Show quote history

Don't let them get to you. I had two kids when I remarried, they spent time with me and time with dad, it was a very relaxed arrangement not one week here and one there, more like it's football season so we are at dads most weekends, it's summer and mum and stepdad are off camping at weekends so we are going. Anyway when I had my younger children the older ones thought they had the best of both worlds, time with dad just them and time with me where they could be big brothers.

They are all grown up now and perfectly happy and well adjusted.

ancientgran · 09/02/2023 11:21

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 10:14

Posts about her having 2 homes are not helpful. YES we get that this can cause issues and we’ve done everything in our power to help her with any issues she’s had. One on one time with DH, counselling, etc. This is not something we can change so we just have to work with it. She gets the good side of it too with lots of extended family and friends who love her, time to chill without little siblings and also a bigger family environment (with her crisp packet filled room as a sanctuary if she needs it 😂). She comes to all the fun things that she loves and we do the boring little kid things when she’s not around. We laugh a lot together, we have TV series and films that we watch together, we discuss the latest showbiz gossip that she’s into, she tells us about boyfriends and friendship issues, DH and her go swimming, cinema, shopping, walks, lunch together alone. We have family days out and days we just chill. She’s allowed friends over/goes to sleepovers. When we haven’t seen her for a few days she burst through the door to give us all a big hug.

it’s honestly not a horrible life she has. But the stealing and lying has to be addressed and im really not sure how. Complete freedom with everything doesn’t work. Some kind of restrictions have to be put in place - but how strict? And how confrontational should we be? There certainly isn’t a consensus here.

Can you offer stuff so she doesn't feel the need to take things. So when she's off to school ask if she wants to take a snack or a can, when she gets home say dinner isn't going to be ready for a couple of hours, does she need something to keep her going.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 11:53

@ancientgran
OP already stated she had her own snack drawer.
Its not just snacks she is stealing though.. money, jewellery make-up etc which needs to be addressed or it will not stop

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ancientgran · 09/02/2023 12:01

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 11:53

@ancientgran
OP already stated she had her own snack drawer.
Its not just snacks she is stealing though.. money, jewellery make-up etc which needs to be addressed or it will not stop

I misunderstood, I thought Her own snack drawer is interesting.. I could buy her snacks she likes to last the whole week and when they are gone they are gone. But I would see her just wanting to take more of ours (I find large sharing bags under her pillow etc). Was OP thinking it was an interesting idea but thought she'd still take other stuff.

Either way I think offering opens it up to a discussion about what she wants and why so I still think it is a possibility.

Biscuits1011 · 09/02/2023 12:03

Fairyliz · 08/02/2023 22:43

She doesn’t have a nice life though does she. Going from home to home whilst her younger siblings get to live with their parents full time.
Add teenage hormones into the mix something is bound to go wrong.

So what’s your answer to that? If you have a child with someone you can never split up or if you do, just spend your life alone?

ancientgran · 09/02/2023 12:04

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 11:53

@ancientgran
OP already stated she had her own snack drawer.
Its not just snacks she is stealing though.. money, jewellery make-up etc which needs to be addressed or it will not stop

Just looked at OPs posts again, she says i’ll try buying her her own snacks. Which doesn't sound like she does have her own snacks.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 12:11

It all sounds a bit daft to me. She either has her own snacks or she doesn't ! Reading through some of the replies it seems to me that they don't really have a handle on anything here which may explain why the girl helps herself to anything she wants

Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 12:17

There are just general household snacks 😂 I don’t segregate them. But some posters are suggesting it as a plan. It’s not even the taking snacks, it’s the sneaking them past us to eat in her room that is the problem. If she wandered in to the room munching on a small pack of crisps nobody would bat an eyelid.. but opening a sharing pack because she prefers that to the other crisps and sneaking it up to her room is problematic behaviour. How is this not having a handle on things?!

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 12:19

Some of your replies are a bit contradictory and misleading. I think I'll bow out of this now. I hope you find a solution

Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 09/02/2023 12:30

I think some posters have gone a bit mad and over invested with this. I was really just asking for advice about stealing the money and trying to give some background info and now I’m being contradictory for not having a solid snacking policy. 🙄.

With posts like this please try and remember that the parents and step parents are just looking for ways to help a young teen. Be kind. Thank you to those who offered practical advice- it has been taken on board.

I won’t be back to the thread so bunfight amongst yourselves 😂

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:49

Hmmmm she's lying about a lot and now potentially stealing so tbh the relationship she has can not be great. Sounds like a combination of firmness,consequences,honesty,chat and following thru are needed or it will just get worse. If our 13 yr old was caught stealing or lying regardless of what's going on is no excuse to behave badly and so there's consequences and be discussion about why it's not acceptable. But that's our way. I would be worried as hell the online activities at 13 you have no idea who she's talking to, what you gona do if she suddenly goes and meets someone as she's clearly not going to tell you being already secretive. Good luck hope you get sorted 🙂

Beamur · 09/02/2023 13:36

Thing is the snacking/stealing are all part of the same. It's a little boundary push and asserting her own needs and wants. She doesn't want a little bag of crisps that you approve of, she wants a big bag of crisps and no judgement.
Parenting teens requires an adjustment in styles and boundaries. In my experience letting them make some choices without interference or judgement does mean they're more willing to listen when you do draw a line. You really do have to pick your battles and find the zone between your absolute rules and where you can compromise.
Blended families have more complicated dynamics around this - our eldest 2 are my DSC, youngest (and last teen in the house) is DD.

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