DSD stole money

[Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars]

She’s 13. We can’t prove it but it’s only DH and I and he put £50 in a drawer last night and £20 is gone today. Nobody else has been in the house and our other DC are too small. She’s been sneakily taking things (e.g my makeup or jewellery, chocolate/crisps/fizzy drink) and then refusing point blank to admit it even when caught red handed. She lies about little things like brushing her teeth and has several times been caught with social media accounts she’s not allowed to have. She comes home from school with sweets and energy drinks that ‘her friends gave her’.

We are at our wits end here. She can be so loving and lovely. We have a good relationship and really most of the time she would get get the things she wants if she would just ask (but she NEVER does). Things are good with her mum and that side of the family too. She has a nice life there and a nice life with us (although I do appreciate that having 2 separate lives must be incredibly difficult for a child even if that’s all she has ever known).

Any advice would be so so appreciated. We just want to get to the bottom of this behaviour and help her.

Definitely do not do this. Terrible advice. Confrontation is the worst approach.

Oh and she has one of those trendy handbag type school bags that is open at the top and she dumps it somewhere downstairs and the contents are clearly visible

DH and her do have these long talks.. and a lot was uncovered when she had the counsellor. We know what her issues are. One is that she wants more freedom and trust… but when given a little she is constantly getting found out for having social media accounts etc (we’ve told her that she can have one but must allow us to have access to it which was a no from her)

I think petty stealing is pretty common and not necessarily related to her parents' marital status so the "step" could be a red herring.

Her parents need to be consistent in telling her that it's wrong and she will be punished for it.

The hiding food thing could be many things, possibly just not wanting adults to know her business now she's a teenager, possibly an unhealthy relationship with food/sugar. You need to strike the right balance at pointing out the unhealthy aspects of processed food/sugar and not making it seem "forbidden".

She sounds really tricky at the moment so he parents need to keep the lines of communication open in case there's other stuff going on.

I'm sure she'll come out well at the other end of teenager-y. They really bloody test you at this age!

If it were my daughter, I would try to see what's going on with her emotionally. But I would also explain to her that stealing can ruin your life if you get caught. Explain to her that if you end up with a criminal record, it will affect your choices in later life. You have to state it on job applications, etc. At this age, kids don't think about stuff like that.

It's great that she and her dad have long talks. I bet that really helps her.

OP I'm sure this behaviour is really frustrating and especially with shall children in the house who wouldn't dream of behaving like that (but are no doubt irritating in other ways). But honestly she doesn't sound out of the ordinary. I'm finding that parenting teens is a lot about insisting on loving them and finding ways to enjoy (or even experience!) their company despite their best efforts in the other direction to be honest.

DH should probably gently find out about the 20 quid but maybe stop making a habit of leaving cash around. Not suggesting it's your fault but if the opportunity isn't there that's a lot easier.

Sorry what I mean is that you don't need to directly accuse her of stealing but you can still try to make sure she understands what can happen if you get caught.

Our youngest DD is like this. She's now 11 but ever since I can remember she's been really sneaky - stealing (food in particular) and lying, even when caught, stashing food down the side of her bed, while also being incredibly loving and thoughtful. She's the only one of our 3 like this.
It's been really difficult at times, and honestly I wouldn't leave money where she could find it, but over the years I've come to the conclusion she can't help it and it's just poor impulse control, so she gets told it's wrong now and we move on quickly. As she's getting older and without making it into a big thing it feels like it's getting better on its own
Maybe something like this? In her case I'm sure it's not about access to food or money.

You say your DH is leading on parenting, however you then say 'you' find the hidden empty bags down the side of her bed when cleaning her room with her present. I am assuming her father isn't sat there at the same time?

You also then say you both have sat down and spoken to her about some of these issues. Does he do any of this himself? Are you present in all of these discussions? Is he not able to take her out and have a conversation himself?

If you cant be honest about the reality of the situation for her then no one can provide helpful advice.

I'd ignore the food thing completely, let her snack and miss meals, it's not ideal but she'll grow out of it
either ask her about the money or refuse to acknowledge it and hide it from now on
There's no right answer

Look, I’ve got nothing to gain by lying here. I just am after some advice.

im not sure where I said it was me finding the things in her room cleaning- if I did it was a mistake. DH does that with her. We have tried sitting down with her together but that feels a bit confrontational so it’s mostly DH just checking in with her. He’ll take her out for a Starbucks or something. When she’s been caught doing something really bad then DH and his ExW have spoke to her together.

I see this differently. It's not that big a deal. It happens alot, wanting things, having to money available to be able to buy them, at this age. I would give her more pocket money. So she has more money available to spend on sweets. The freedom to buy what you want at this age is strong. Unless she is overweight or struggling with spots, is there any reason why having a few more sweets will hurt? Or you think there are deeper issues that haven't already been talked about?

This with bells on.

Living between two houses is not a great life. Would you like to do it op?
Adding in younger siblings that do get to have the life you used to have makes it even worse!

You sound a tad naive about what a 'nice life' might look like for a child, slightly worrying when you're a step parent 😳

OP If you are certain she has taken the £20 note then ask her outright. She needs to know that you know or she will continue. What happens after this is up to you all but I think she needs to be told that taking things and hiding them in her room are tantamount to stealing and all she has to do is to ask. Nip this one in the bud

I think I’ve addressed this already 🙄 it’s not a situation we can change. Her mum made this decision a long time ago and feels no end of guilt about it.

And to answer your question I DID do it as a child and would still consider myself has having a great childhood.

I would say that at her age it’s because she’s still growing she needs snacks but also with hormones if she suffers from PMT/S you tend to crave sweet/salty snacks more at a certain time of the month.

I wouldn’t have been happy going from one house to the other either. My DM as a teenager sort of had this as she lived with her DM and stepdad from 13 but returned to visit his house and the odd stay with her DF and stepmum. Luckily she was fine with this but circumstances leading up to why she left DF’s house and went to live with her DM were traumatic, she had issues with both stepparents but far less and an easier life with her DM and stepdad.

This comment is just rude. And not necessary. Two homes is not the end of the world, much better than one shit one with parents who hate each other. Seriously rude.

It’s not a one size fits all model though, living between two homes.

I know of cases where it has worked and equally of cases where it’s gone very wrong.

You have no proof so you can’t be 100% sure she took it. I often count money wrong myself. I have as balance of about £500.00 in a draw for the children to take what they need and they have to fill in and sign a form and say what it is for on a piece of paper. They all know if the system stops working then this system will it get revoked. I would have a discussion with her without accusing her saying that money is being misplaced and leave say £50.00 for her to access and account for it if she does take it. Build trust and responsibility is my motto I’m my house with my kids.

It was really common when I was that age (about 12 years ago). I had several friends groups throughout my teenage years, and almost all of them went through a shoplifting phase. It wasn’t really seen as stealing, it was more of a game/competition to pass the time and we didn’t realise we were doing anything wrong because everyone was doing it so it was just normal, we thought of shops as just having an endless supply of stuff and they wouldn’t miss a few mascaras or cheap earrings here and there😬

It was mostly all normal people from good, loving homes too who got plenty of pocket money and had everything they wanted. I’m a bit mortified about it now that I’m an adult obviously, but it didn’t lead me down any bad path into a life of crime or immorality.

Loads of typos in my post heating engineer in and my hands are freezing!

Posts about her having 2 homes are not helpful. YES we get that this can cause issues and we’ve done everything in our power to help her with any issues she’s had. One on one time with DH, counselling, etc. This is not something we can change so we just have to work with it. She gets the good side of it too with lots of extended family and friends who love her, time to chill without little siblings and also a bigger family environment (with her crisp packet filled room as a sanctuary if she needs it 😂). She comes to all the fun things that she loves and we do the boring little kid things when she’s not around. We laugh a lot together, we have TV series and films that we watch together, we discuss the latest showbiz gossip that she’s into, she tells us about boyfriends and friendship issues, DH and her go swimming, cinema, shopping, walks, lunch together alone. We have family days out and days we just chill. She’s allowed friends over/goes to sleepovers. When we haven’t seen her for a few days she burst through the door to give us all a big hug.

it’s honestly not a horrible life she has. But the stealing and lying has to be addressed and im really not sure how. Complete freedom with everything doesn’t work. Some kind of restrictions have to be put in place - but how strict? And how confrontational should we be? There certainly isn’t a consensus here.

Given what you've described I think she sounds pretty all right. The lying doesn't have to be addressed other than with an eyeroll. The stealing needs not to be blown out of proportion. I do like the pp's drawer of cash idea.

The main thing is to keep the relationship as close as possible and sit tight through the teen years and it seems like that's what you're doing. It is shocking to see money missing like that but let yourself be shocked and then realise it's not part of a bigger picture of future criminalism it's really pesky teen behaviour that you can tell her off for in the way you would any other pesky behaviour.

I'm on my third teen.
They all fudge the truth a bit at times. It's maybe part of growing independence and wanting seperation from your parents.
I bought in food and snacks that the SDC liked and stocked up with treats and drinks. They knew it was there and could help themselves, they self regulated and we always eat meals together.
Social media is tricky at this age. I think you're right to be strict, it's hard to row back from permission and there's lots of drawbacks. I think a compromise on one that you know about at 13 and offer an increase as she gets older if she shows she's sensible and keeps herself safe.

Like I said before OP.. she needs to be told that you all know about the stealing.
No messing about - just a straight talk so she knows where she is and where you are now drawing the line. Not sure about your relationship with her mother but perhaps she needs a heads up before you have 'the talk'