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Original poster

Partner abuse- opinions

59 replies

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 11:45

I'm 45 year old male. I have 14 month old baby. Broke up with partner when child was 3 months.

I am looking for honest opinions please.

My ex partner and I went the Donor egg route through IVF and a child was conceived with a Ukrainian donor egg. Half way through the pregnancy I freaked out after hearing a same sex couple talking about a child they had through surrogacy. I have absolutely 100 percent respect for the gay community. What freaked me out was whether it was right to bring a child into the world where there two real parents are not around. I read an article about the consequences for egg donors in Kiev, medically and psychologically and then started focusing on how donor child feel about the unusual circumstances of their conception. I freaked out and said to my partner had she considered whether we were doing the right thing. She was about 15 weeks pregnant by then. Then she freaked out at me asking this and I couldn't cope and left the house and said to her she needed to talk to someone, her parents and get advice. She didn't want me back after this.
Then 3 weeks later I was still freaking out and I sent her and email saying she should have an abortion. I wasn't trying to force an abortion . I was expressing my view that it was the right thing to do in the unusual circumstances. Of course it would be her decision ultimately as obviously no one can tell them anyone they must have an abortion.
I said in the email that she should have an abortion and she needed to have an abortion as it was so complicated by the donor egg thing.

Anyway the long and short of it is we got back together for 4 months around the birth but she broke it off after 4 months saying I had tried to force her to have an abortion and that was extremely abusive.
I don't believe I tried to force her. I expressed my view. I didn't say she must. I said in the email she should and she needs to.
So what do people think?
Could my words be viewed as trying to force her to have an abortion and therefore extremely abusive?
Am I a monster?

OP posts:
ichundich · 07/02/2023 11:52

I think you should have researched the circumstances of donor eggs from Ukraine before you got pregnant. It's too late now for raising ethical questions. Anyway it sounds like you and your partner aren't very well suited to bringing up this child together that a poor woman in Ukraine jeopardised her health for.

Redhairblackdress · 07/02/2023 12:39

Before I respond to the OP, does anyone know if ‘you sound like a complete loon and she’s better off away from you’ constitutes a ‘personal attack’ that will get my post deleted?

NuffSaidSam · 07/02/2023 12:46

I wouldn't say it's 'extremely abusive' or that you're a monster.

I would say it was unbelievably insensitive, illogical and deeply unkind. She did absolutely the right thing by ignoring you and ending the relationship.

You should seek counseling in order to speak to someone objective at length to try and understand why what you did was completely unacceptable. Hopefully, through this process you will gain sufficient perspective to be a good father to the child you deliberately conceived and then wanted aborted.

Iwantabloodypizza · 07/02/2023 12:49

So you didn’t do any research beforehand?

If my partner had told me to get an abortion at 15 weeks, I would have ended things too.

You sound quite stupid and dramatic.

LakeTiticaca · 07/02/2023 13:04

Was the embryo fertilised by your sperm?
I wouldn't say you are an abusive monster I would say that you are very misguided and should have thought long and hard before you entertained doing this.
Did your partner not have any viable eggs?

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:15

Thanks. Yep, horrible thing to do
I freaked out, panicked
I should have just said I am not able to cope and I have to leave and said sorry I wish you well with the pregnancy.
I shouldn't have mentioned abortion

OP posts:
Junebughustle · 07/02/2023 13:20

From your post:

I sent her and email saying she should have an abortion. I wasn't trying to force an abortion .

And

I said in the email that she should have an abortion and she needed to have an abortion.

It doesn't matter that you don't think you were 'forcing' her to have an abortion, whatever that means. You effectively instructed her to have one.

If you can't communicate like a rational adult, especially on something so crucial, I don't even know what to say.

Junebughustle · 07/02/2023 13:21

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:15

Thanks. Yep, horrible thing to do
I freaked out, panicked
I should have just said I am not able to cope and I have to leave and said sorry I wish you well with the pregnancy.
I shouldn't have mentioned abortion

Absolutely gobsmacked. Get some counselling.

Iwantabloodypizza · 07/02/2023 13:23

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:15

Thanks. Yep, horrible thing to do
I freaked out, panicked
I should have just said I am not able to cope and I have to leave and said sorry I wish you well with the pregnancy.
I shouldn't have mentioned abortion

Was it really the eggs that freaked you out, or the pregnancy in general and the reading about Ukrainian women just gave you an outlet for that?

It would have been a shit thing to do in any pregnancy, but an IVF one where you had to actively seek out help for pregnancy to take place - I’m sorry, it’s unforgivable really.

You’ve handled it all extremely badly.

And you say that in your email you said she “should” and that she “needs to”. That isn’t expressing anything, you told her she needed to have an abortion.

Do you have a relationship with your child?

Iwantabloodypizza · 07/02/2023 13:27

It honestly does sound as if the whole Ukrainian donor egg issue is hiding the real reason, you just freaked out about being a father.

You sound obsessed with it. You need some help with that.

Thelnebriati · 07/02/2023 13:27

I'm not going to sugar coat this. Its an honest answer from an outside perspective.
It sounds like you freaked out about the pregnancy, and went looking for reasons to get out. And now you are focussed on the fact you don't look like a Good Guy any more.

Please go for counselling.

WeWereInParis · 07/02/2023 13:29

I should have just said I am not able to cope and I have to leave and said sorry I wish you well with the pregnancy.

This would only have been a slightly less shitty thing to do.

Nancydrawn · 07/02/2023 13:30

I'm not sure, in the midst of such a terrible email, she completely parsed the difference between "you need to have an abortion" and "you must have an abortion."

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:31

No relationship with child.
Applied for access in court and lost.

It genuinely was the whole donor egg thing that caused my meltdown

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:35

I understand it was extremely difficult for her, particularly as it was IVF and planned.
I just trying to figure out how bad a person I am. In the scale of bad things to do, is this just off the scale absolutely terribly bad????
That's why I asked if I am a monster

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 07/02/2023 13:36

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:15

Thanks. Yep, horrible thing to do
I freaked out, panicked
I should have just said I am not able to cope and I have to leave and said sorry I wish you well with the pregnancy.
I shouldn't have mentioned abortion

Even if you had 'just' done those things, it would be unforgivable. What's the point in getting upset about where the eggs came from, once you've used it and had success. I just don't get it. I also don't get how you got freaked out as the IVF process is so difficult and time consuming, it's not like an accidental pregnancy.

To be honest, I think your partner is better off now without you. Maybe saying you're abusive is the only way she can justify to herself not being with her baby's father. Really, she should be able to say to herself that it's not healthy for her mentally to be with you, and that will impact her child. Have you been very supportive of her and the baby, from a distance or made it all about you? I think you should focus on having a healthy relationship with your child, as far as you are able to, and not at all on your ex.

NotMyDayJob · 07/02/2023 13:41

You're a very, very bad person, does that make you feel better? You might be the biological parent but you treated the baby like it was disposable because you freaked out about egg Donors, Ukraine and whatever.

I have a baby through a donor egg, I am not genetically related but I adore this baby and if my DH had asked me to abort because he didn't fancy having a baby anymore I would never, ever have forgiven him.

Go and have some counselling, stop asking strangers on the internet for redemption. It's not coming.

And if you've been denied access in court, there's almost certainly a whole back story about your behaviour that you've not shared here.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:42

And I also wanted to say I genuinely wanted a baby with her and was happy and excited until I freaked out

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 07/02/2023 13:44

Also, what you say about real parents is really offensive. I am my baby's real mum.

Iwantabloodypizza · 07/02/2023 13:44

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:35

I understand it was extremely difficult for her, particularly as it was IVF and planned.
I just trying to figure out how bad a person I am. In the scale of bad things to do, is this just off the scale absolutely terribly bad????
That's why I asked if I am a monster

I think you need to have a lot of therapy.

You are very self absorbed in all this and are
fixated on being a monster or a terrible
person not to mention the angst you feel around a donor egg that has ultimately taken away the. relationship with your child.

I would say get all the help you can.

It takes many reasons not to get any access to your child in court, so I think you need to focus on yourself and getting the right help.

Holshicup · 07/02/2023 13:45

Meanwhile that same sex couple that 'freaked you out' will no doubt still be raising the child they desperately wanted.

DuckBored · 07/02/2023 13:46

Your horrifically selfish and yes a bad person. There feel better now??

You might not have frogged marched her into a clinic but you told her at 15 weeks that she should have an abortion then left. Not satisfied with this 3 weeks later (so she would have been 18 weeks pregnant with your planned for child) you emailed her to say she needed to have an abortion. Yeah that’s bad.

Also feel there must be more to this is the court hadn’t granted you access.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:56

I really didn't mean to offend anyone. Sorry I didn't.
I was just trying to understand how bad a person I am???

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 07/02/2023 13:59

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 13:56

I really didn't mean to offend anyone. Sorry I didn't.
I was just trying to understand how bad a person I am???

Why?

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 14:02

Because I realise it was a horrible thing to do but at the time I thought it was best and now my head is melted by it

To actually go through IVF and then say I think you should have an abortion and so late as well. Sick

I am monster

OP posts: