Partner abuse- opinions

[JJ7777777]

I'm 45 year old male. I have 14 month old baby. Broke up with partner when child was 3 months.

I am looking for honest opinions please.

My ex partner and I went the Donor egg route through IVF and a child was conceived with a Ukrainian donor egg. Half way through the pregnancy I freaked out after hearing a same sex couple talking about a child they had through surrogacy. I have absolutely 100 percent respect for the gay community. What freaked me out was whether it was right to bring a child into the world where there two real parents are not around. I read an article about the consequences for egg donors in Kiev, medically and psychologically and then started focusing on how donor child feel about the unusual circumstances of their conception. I freaked out and said to my partner had she considered whether we were doing the right thing. She was about 15 weeks pregnant by then. Then she freaked out at me asking this and I couldn't cope and left the house and said to her she needed to talk to someone, her parents and get advice. She didn't want me back after this.
Then 3 weeks later I was still freaking out and I sent her and email saying she should have an abortion. I wasn't trying to force an abortion . I was expressing my view that it was the right thing to do in the unusual circumstances. Of course it would be her decision ultimately as obviously no one can tell them anyone they must have an abortion.
I said in the email that she should have an abortion and she needed to have an abortion as it was so complicated by the donor egg thing.

Anyway the long and short of it is we got back together for 4 months around the birth but she broke it off after 4 months saying I had tried to force her to have an abortion and that was extremely abusive.
I don't believe I tried to force her. I expressed my view. I didn't say she must. I said in the email she should and she needs to.
So what do people think?
Could my words be viewed as trying to force her to have an abortion and therefore extremely abusive?
Am I a monster?

You actually told your DW, who presumably you love, that she she go thorough the incredible trauma of aborting a much wanted baby at 18 weeks pregnant?!? You do realise at that stage it isn't a quick bit of blood and all over I presume, or did you not bother to research what happens with a late abortion!? Just because you got the cold feet based upon what exactly!?

I can see the general thrust of the replies is that it was absolutely despicable. I see that and accept that. Ashamed of my actions

Are you sure you're 45? You sound a lot younger.

All you can do now is apologise unreservedly to your ex for causing her so much anguish when she was pregnant.

Why did the court refuse you access to your child?

I am 45 yep.
They refused access because of my behaviour.
We did get back together at the birth for 4 months but then broke up
She actually said in the court papers she was afraid I was going to turn up and assault her in order to terminate the pregnancy. Exact words as I read them last night again. I have never laid a finger on anyone
Anyway the court refused access

But prior to the breakup she did say I was a fantastic dad. I was at the birth and did all the nights on my own for the 3 months after the birth

Suggesting an abortion at 18 weeks pregnant was a stupid thing to do. The trauma for your wife would have been immense if she had gone through with it. I don't think this counts as abuse but a bloody stupid thing to do. As pps have said, you should've researched this before you created the baby. Once you suggested the abortion the damage was already done

Instead of focusing on whether or not you are a 'monster', go for therapy. Be honest about your behaviour and your motives, and put in the work.

I meet a lot of abusive men as part of my job, and I don't think that I have ever met one who hasn't said 'I did all the night feeds for X many weeks'.

Obviously we all already know that your behaviour that you have told us about is unforgivable and disturbing, but the court must have heard about some humdingers from you given the decision for no contact.

And all this 'am I a monster' isn't going to make posters feel sorry for you, stop it.

She genuinely said I was a great Dad.
She was tired from the c section so I took on all the night duties on my own as she was recovering in the room next door and needed her sleep.
I say this just to show one good thing I did.
Asking for an abortion was sick. My conscience is eating me and I am trying to figure out how messed up I am to ask my then partner to abort a child we deliberately conceived and planned through IVF.,.... My head is wrecked

Ok cool. You wished the baby dead and the baby's mum was fearful that you would attack her in your quest to achieve this, but at least you did some night feeds. What a hero.

I find it hard to believe that a court would deny all access based on what you have said here. I suspect there is a lot more to this story

Instead of beating your chest about how awful you are, go for counselling. And research the Karpman Drama Triangle. Its an unhealthy way to engage with other people and you're better off out of it.

changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/games/drama_triangle.htm

What specific reasons do they give you for not allowing access?

Nah, if you were awful in pregnancy and then amazing for three months, something else happened to have court deny you access.

And my DH has never done a night feed for either of our two and he's a brilliant father.

That's everything to the story. She told the court she was scared I would turn up and assault her in order to terminate the pregnancy and the court understandably refused access on this ground and she said she was still afraid of me and for our baby.
There genuinely never was any violence or threat of violence. God no.
I can see how the court refused access as asking for an abortion of a deliberately planned child is sick.

The sad thing is I was so happy to have my baby and look after her for three months. Nappys and bottles and washes etc etc. I was happy to have her. And I miss her terribly

Please people believe me. I was honest enough to say how I asked for an abortion and that it was horrible.
Nothing else happened. Genuinely

I didn't say she must. I said in the email she should and she needs to.

And the difference is what exactly?

There were a lot of other more respectful ways you could have handled this. Please do the work on yourself to be a better person and more respectful in your future relationships through counselling etc.

I think you are just trying to get a kick out of people calling you a monster and other names to be honest.

There are awfully abusive men who have access to their children in visiting centres up and down the country so I don’t believe you.

I’ve reported the thread anyway, it reads like something off a fetish site.

I was pregnant with a miracle baby after years of infertility. My exH wasn't happy and freaked out. I lost the baby but I never felt more alone in my life, being pregnant and then feeling guilty about it.

Yes, you are a monster.

I do think you are wrong on all of it. You asked your pregnant partner if you're doing the right thing? I mean she's already pregnant!!! Can you imagine how that would feel for her? One minute she's enjoying the pregnancy thinking everything is great and then you start coming out with weird anxiety inducing questions like that? She's pregnant! She's the most vulnerable she's ever been and you're coming out with stuff like that! And then to top it off you ask her to consider having an abortion at 15 weeks, when she's past the first trimester with a much loved and wanted pregnancy?!!! Are you actually for real? You're being absolutely ridiculous and selfish! Poor woman 😢

Ok, I wil go and get therapy and leave it for now

I hope not because that's what I wanted to say too...

Were you high when you freaked out all those times because you certainly sound like you were off your head, batshit, loony tunes, crazy, high as a kite.

Go and get yourself some hardcore therapy and remember
‘if it’s not hurting, you’re not working.’

I’m going to try and put this in terms you will hopefully understand, because you seem to already understand that what you’ve don’t in regards to the abortion request of a planned and wanted child is awful.

If I put myself in her shoes, you are my partner and we have planned a child together, we have gone to great lengths to conceive that child. Fertility treatment is no picnic even if you have the most straightforward process possible, so we’ve spent lots of time planning, thought, effort and no doubt plenty of money to achieve this pregnancy. The procedure has been a success and I am finally pregnant with a much loved and wanted baby, after all I’ve gone through medically to become pregnant finally I see my road to motherhood ahead of me. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I have felt love and hope for the little bean growing inside me and as a mum am already fiercely protective over that little bean.

I nurture the pregnancy for 15 long weeks, and 15 weeks is a long time when you’re pregnant! I know that baby has eyes, ears, nose, arms and legs that punch and kick that are a fluttering away in my womb. This is an exciting time, I’m so looking forward to meeting this baby, am so looking forward to watching you become a dad and then all of sudden you freak out and tell me that after all we’ve gone through, all I have gone through, is a mistake!!

I’m almost at the half way of this pregnancy, I am already bonded and connected to this life I’m growing, and the person who is supposed to support me through it can no longer do that, because you changed your mind about the ethics of the egg!!! Ethics you should have thought of before we agreed to go ahead with all of this. It’s too late for that now…15 weeks is well beyond the time limit most women would even consider an abortion for anything except medical reasons!

I feel so utterly bereft and betrayed by the person who planned and wanted all of this with me. The person who is supposed to love and protect me, love and protect this baby has asked that I abort and has walked away from me at the most vulnerable time of my life. They aren’t many betrayals bigger or more serious that this one.

A pregnancy, a baby is not something anyone can ever back out of easily no matter the reasons. It’s not like an appliance you simply return when you realise that buying it was a mistake!!

I am frankly amazed that she got back together with you after all of this, and I can only assume she tried to get over it for the sake of her child and giving that child a chance at the family you had once imagined and planned together. I guess the betrayal was just too big and she just couldn’t get over it or trust you again.

How do you ever trust someone after such a thing, after all the dreaming and planning together, going through the huge upheaval of fertility treatments, choosing a donor, going through the scans and then to simply change your mind. If you can change your mind about something as momentous as that, what else can you change your mind on. There is no security it knowing that someone can do that to you.

I am sorry but I don’t think there is any making up for this, but I hope perhaps you understand just what you put her and your child through…and all for a freak out!

You’re a drama llama. Your wife was pregnant and you wanted her to abort the much wanted baby inside her because you failed to properly consider your actions.

Now you’re freaking out that you’re a monster.

I don’t think you’re a monster. I think you’re weak. Your behaviour during your ex’s pregnancy was utterly vile but it’s done now.

Why are you focussing on you being a bad person? Why aren’t you focussing on being a good dad? That’s what is coming out here. You’re making everything about you! It’s not about you. You need to get yourself into therapy. It’s not up to strangers on the internet to calm you down. There’s some sort of personality disorder at play here. You need some help.

You need to focus on being mentally well so that you can be a better father.

As a side note my partner freaked out when I got pregnant and also wanted me to get an abortion. I recognise now that he had/has a mental health issue - which is what I think you have. You are now freaking out about what you said and it’s not productive. It sounds like you’re having a mental break.

I heard from a male friend of mine that prospective new fathers freak out and it’s normal. But not all men verbalise their feelings and ask for an abortion.

You need to calm down. Go for a run, have a shower and eat something healthy. You will feel better.

The last two posts, from Intrepidescape and Lilygolightly, have been helpful
Yes, I do have mental health issues
Depression, anxiety, possibly borderline personality disorder. I have been attending s psychiatrist and taking meds for many years. Have been hospitalised a few times.
Ill talk with my psychiatrist
Lilygolightly you put it very well from her perspective. I know what I did was wrong and horrible. I freaked out and caused her so much pain.
I feel terrible about it but I will have to live with it
.I will try reconnect with my daughter in a few years as the court denied access as I said. That is all I can do to improve the situation.
A horrible situation for the mother and the poor innocent little child thank you for your replies. It is best I don't continue posting here.
It is done now.i asked a woman to abort a planned and wanted child. I cannot change that. A horrible act