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Original poster

Partner abuse- opinions

59 replies

JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 11:45

I'm 45 year old male. I have 14 month old baby. Broke up with partner when child was 3 months.

I am looking for honest opinions please.

My ex partner and I went the Donor egg route through IVF and a child was conceived with a Ukrainian donor egg. Half way through the pregnancy I freaked out after hearing a same sex couple talking about a child they had through surrogacy. I have absolutely 100 percent respect for the gay community. What freaked me out was whether it was right to bring a child into the world where there two real parents are not around. I read an article about the consequences for egg donors in Kiev, medically and psychologically and then started focusing on how donor child feel about the unusual circumstances of their conception. I freaked out and said to my partner had she considered whether we were doing the right thing. She was about 15 weeks pregnant by then. Then she freaked out at me asking this and I couldn't cope and left the house and said to her she needed to talk to someone, her parents and get advice. She didn't want me back after this.
Then 3 weeks later I was still freaking out and I sent her and email saying she should have an abortion. I wasn't trying to force an abortion . I was expressing my view that it was the right thing to do in the unusual circumstances. Of course it would be her decision ultimately as obviously no one can tell them anyone they must have an abortion.
I said in the email that she should have an abortion and she needed to have an abortion as it was so complicated by the donor egg thing.

Anyway the long and short of it is we got back together for 4 months around the birth but she broke it off after 4 months saying I had tried to force her to have an abortion and that was extremely abusive.
I don't believe I tried to force her. I expressed my view. I didn't say she must. I said in the email she should and she needs to.
So what do people think?
Could my words be viewed as trying to force her to have an abortion and therefore extremely abusive?
Am I a monster?

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 16:52

Sorry one last post.
,
Intrepidescape, you said your partner also freaked out and asked for an abortion.
Did you ever forgive him, if you don't mind me asking and secondly did he turn out a good Dad?
If that question is too personal, please ignore it

OP posts:
Poppymil · 07/02/2023 17:03

@JJ7777777 I feel you're going to get shit here because you aren't the mum in the situation. Me and EXp had DD 'normally' as people will call it (believe me anyone having a child is normal). He still had this worry of OMG are we doing the right thing as did I at some points. My best friend is in a same sex relationship and they went through her having donor sperm, a child was something they dreamed of in the 10years before it happened and they still had these same little moments of shit what are we doing. In my opinion every person weather straight, gay, easy pregnancy or needing a little help will go through these thoughts- a baby is life changing and I hate to admit it but me and ex were the strongest couple I knew- we split after a few months as all too much. You aren't abusive you're realistic, depending on the clinic your child could potentially find out who the donor egg came from at a certain age (16/18 depending where you are) that's where you and mum need to come together. Please don't feel you're abusive for an opinion, you really aren't!

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 17:31

Thank you

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 07/02/2023 18:06

Poppymil · 07/02/2023 17:03

@JJ7777777 I feel you're going to get shit here because you aren't the mum in the situation. Me and EXp had DD 'normally' as people will call it (believe me anyone having a child is normal). He still had this worry of OMG are we doing the right thing as did I at some points. My best friend is in a same sex relationship and they went through her having donor sperm, a child was something they dreamed of in the 10years before it happened and they still had these same little moments of shit what are we doing. In my opinion every person weather straight, gay, easy pregnancy or needing a little help will go through these thoughts- a baby is life changing and I hate to admit it but me and ex were the strongest couple I knew- we split after a few months as all too much. You aren't abusive you're realistic, depending on the clinic your child could potentially find out who the donor egg came from at a certain age (16/18 depending where you are) that's where you and mum need to come together. Please don't feel you're abusive for an opinion, you really aren't!

Did you read the bit where he pretty much demanded his 18 week pregnant partner had an abortion? This is not an opinion.

It's fine to freak out, I freaked out. But this is more than a freak out. I say again, courts don't deny access without very good reason.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 18:18

My ex also told the court that and I quote
He has a long history of serious mental health issues and was hospitalised on a number of occasions.
She said she was scared of me
She told he court that I asked for an abortion
All these were reason enough to deny access.
I am saddened if she genuinely was scared of me. I have never laid a finger on a woman or ever threatened to in my life. Only a psycho coward would do that.

Maybe she was. Maybe she just said that to deny access. Why did she get back with me at the birth for 4 months if she was scared of me? Makes no sense. And she entrusted me with night duty on my own and even said I was a great Dad and she appreciated me doing nights. We broke up and as soon as I apply to court for açcess she starts saying she was in fear and all this about my mental health.
She knew everything about my mental health long before the IVF, even that I had been hospitalised. And then it was used against me to deny access.
Anyway I better stop posting and talk to a professional

OP posts:
Arguelikeagrownup · 07/02/2023 18:33

It's not the job of other women to absolve you of treating the mother of your child like shit.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 07/02/2023 18:41

I wasn't looking for absolution or forgiveness, just opinions on my behaviour .
And the opinions are it was awful. Full stop

OP posts:
sunshinenroses · 07/02/2023 22:35

Not even supervised contact? If thats everything to the story then seems incredibly harsh of the judge. If you're telling the truth then something has gone wrong here

prettyrainbows · 07/02/2023 22:45

There's more to this than you're telling us.
You've not been allowed access. This speaks volumes.
You are not a monster, but clearly an unreliable childish partner who wouldn't at this point make a good stable Father.

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