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Original poster

If you inlaws live 5 hours away, how often do you see them?

85 replies

sanityplease · 07/02/2023 10:55

Name changing in case I want to show my husband this thread...

We have ongoing issues with MIL complaining that we don't see them enough. It puts a strain on our relationship as I am becoming increasingly sick of the complaints, and feel we do as much as we can, but my husband feels guilty (and takes it out on me!).

So, if your in-laws live 5 hours or more away, how regularly do you see them?

We have 3 young children, including a newborn - and I don't feel it's realistic for us to be travelling to them very often (we do about twice a year at the moment). They are more than welcome to visit us (and they do). But nothing is ever enough, and I know MIL calls my husband complaining about it, a lot.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2023 12:05

5-6 times a year.

Always christmas and easter.
Two of the half terms and a visit or two in summer.

At least 4 of those are in laws to us. I go as little as possible to them. Their house isnt suitable for children. at all. My baby hasnt been and wont go for as long as i can plausibly avoid it.
Agree no driving with newborn.
With 3 kids I'd expect them to do all the travel.

I keep all convo very surface level now and leave my husband to call them in the evening for an hour/two 😵 every week or so while i have a long bath after baby is in bed. 🤩

He deals with all of it and has learned to say "okay but dont book anything until i check my diary and confirm" and "5 days doesn't work for us but you can come friday pm to sunday pm"

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2023 12:11

Oh my DH also facetimes with the baby sometimes once every couple of months. I occasionally pop in but he organises times and calls directly with his mum

Bear2014 · 07/02/2023 12:11

My ILs live 4-5 hours on the train, or about a 7-8 hour drive. We visit them for a week during the summer holidays - drive up there with our 2 DC and all our stuff, usually with a stop-over somewhere halfway, and they come and visit us for about 3 weekends a year on the train. They live in a place where you really need a car when you get there, whereas we're in London so it's easy to use public transport when they visit. They don't complain that we don't come to them more as it is such a mission.

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Families
Needmorelego · 07/02/2023 12:13

Mother in law is about 3 ish hours away and involves 3 trains.
My parents are similar distance and is train - bus - train.
We probably go about 4 times a year to each family.
If I could drive and had a car I would go much much more.

LadyJ2023 · 07/02/2023 12:16

Ours are 6 hours away got 3 under 2s and a teenager we go down pretty much every other weekend..they love seeing family and as it was us that moved away we make the effort and love the extra family time tbh. If we can't get for any reason family come up to us

Whendovescry03 · 07/02/2023 12:20

My parents are 5 hours away and we see them two or three times a year. Once we'll go to them but all the other times they come to us.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/02/2023 12:31

We got twice a year, they come to us once a year normally. We used to go more for got sick of the digs about us not going enough while they never bothered to come to us

Chocolateyshakes · 07/02/2023 12:33

We visit maybe 2x a year. They also come here approx twice a year. FIL less likely to travel twice due to chronic arthritis.

gingercat02 · 07/02/2023 12:37

2 or 3 times a year. MiL used to come to us once or twice a year after she was widowed (FiL too infirm to travel for a long time) but she had a stroke a couple of weeks ago so that will stop now

underneaththeash · 07/02/2023 12:47

about three times a year to us and DH goes up once with a child (her house is too small for us all to stay).
when kids were little she came more, but she wasn’t happy to help with anything useful and I didn’t have the time to look after someone else too, so we had to reduce it.

Flowerfairy101 · 07/02/2023 12:48

4.5 hours away although we only moved last year so a visiting pattern has yet to be established but they were suggesting they come every 2 months for a day, I think this will dwindle though as they realise how far it is. They aren't the type to want to stay with us so they get a hotel for 2 nights. I know MIL would like us to drive back to them but we have a toddler and it would use DP annual leave up which we usually try to keep for nursery illness days off so as a rule they come to us. They also wouldn't want us to stay at theirs more than a night as DD is 'too much ' and we can't afford a hotel really. They are 70s and been retired 20 years so I figure they've got the time to do the travelling.

Pinkypurplecloud · 07/02/2023 12:49

My parents are 6-7 hours away, we drive up once a year to stay for a week (they live in a touristy area so it’s basically our summer holiday) and they come to us a couple of times a year for a weekend - they’d be welcome more but they’re busy people. Perfectly good relationship, it’s just not realistic to do that trip often with kids, especially tied to school holidays and annual leave for work and when we want to be able to travel to other places and have other holidays too. No one complains, it just is what it is. We FaceTime etc often.

Luana1 · 07/02/2023 12:53

We go once a year, they moved away so they have to accept that it's not logistically feasible for the families with young children to visit them. Particularly when the children are school aged and tied into school holidays etc.

LivingOnAPrayerYes · 07/02/2023 13:03

It's my parents who live 5 hrs away (including a flight). We have 2 pre-school age children.

I'll travel alone with DC to visit for the weekend at least every couple of months. DH will come with us for at least 2 trips per year at Christmas and in the summer.

My parents will visit us a couple of times a year. Plus, we'll usually go on holiday all together once a year.

It'd be very similar if it was PIL who lived 5hrs away- with DH doing more visits on his own, and me travelling to see them a couple of times a year.

BUT we all get on really well and love to see each other. Covid was awful and I absolutely hated not being able to travel to see them. We go as much as finances allow with flights involved. If it was just a 5 hour drive, I'd be going at least every month and DH would come along more often too.

hippospot · 07/02/2023 13:06

Three times a year.

Haffdonga · 07/02/2023 13:07

In laws who live abroad about twice a year. When my parents lived about 5 hours away we'd see them 5 or 6 times a year roughly coinciding with school holidays and half terms.

Nagado · 07/02/2023 13:08

Once or twice a year. Maybe a Christmas every four or five years. They’ve never been here.

babynoname22 · 07/02/2023 13:08

4 hours for every. Every 6/8 weeks. But we get on very well and they are excellent with DC and DC adore them

itwasthegintalking · 07/02/2023 13:15

My in laws live 4-5 hour drive away. Go once a year. They are retired, have time and money to visit us as and when they wish. Usually come here to visit once/twice a year.
They choose to travel rather than see us but complain they don't see us enough 🙄

Original poster
sanityplease · 07/02/2023 13:30

thanks for all these replies, really interesting and useful to read

OP posts:
PartnersInCrime · 07/02/2023 13:34

A bit closer, but under normal circumstances 2-3 times a year. Due to illness we've spent a lot of last year driving back and forth but things are calmer now. Visited at Christmas, will be back at Easter and then again in the summer.

DolphinNosePotato1 · 07/02/2023 14:10

They come to us about twice a year and we see them at Christmas. MIL is forever complaining that she doesn’t see the children enough but expects us to come to them in order for her to see them which just isn’t going to happen as the car journey is a nightmare with 3 under 6. Both are retired so have plenty of time on their hands but apparently the journey is too long for them. My mum is about the same distance and sees us a lot more often as she can actually be bothered to come and visit instead of just moaning.

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/02/2023 15:40

Twice a year and we invite them to do the same, but we go to them more often than they visit us.

CoffeeTaster · 07/02/2023 17:07

DolphinNosePotato1 · 07/02/2023 14:10

They come to us about twice a year and we see them at Christmas. MIL is forever complaining that she doesn’t see the children enough but expects us to come to them in order for her to see them which just isn’t going to happen as the car journey is a nightmare with 3 under 6. Both are retired so have plenty of time on their hands but apparently the journey is too long for them. My mum is about the same distance and sees us a lot more often as she can actually be bothered to come and visit instead of just moaning.

@DolphinNosePotato1
So your MIL thinks the journey is too long for her to make but fine for your 3 small children???!!!!

TiffanyBean · 07/02/2023 17:44

We see the ILs around 2-3 times a year and we’re around 6 hours away. We tend to see them on the way to or from our summer holiday and then maybe once or twice at another point in the year too. We try to tie it into visiting other places or seeing other people as we’re going quite a long distance. I don’t know if they’d like to see us more, but if they do, they can always do the trip to us too. It’s been a while since any of them have come to see us.

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