To have a fifth baby at 38/39?

[Pineapplestropical]

Context is 4 kids 11, 9, 7 and 3. As i had a large gap between 3 and 4 we wanted a sibling closer in age to number 4 so she wouldn't be growing up without the others. We got pregnant but sadly miscarried one year ago. Tried again for a bit and then stopped. . I completely went off having another when dd4 got closer to 3 (maybe baby hormones died down) but also older kids need me more mentally. But there's a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that i may regret not going for number 5? Finance and space is not an issue. Time for each child can be made. Hubby happy to go for number 5.But am i just past it all now and getting old now (hence the miscarriage maybe? Also had 2 chemicals before dd4). Please any advice from people who have 5 or wanted big families or even had another for a closer gap between siblings?

Mine are solar ages 10 and 12 and they are worse now than when they were toddlers.

Similar*

Similar ages to your eldest two I meant. Sorry for clogging up the thread 😬

If you really wanted one, you wouldn't be asking. You have four kids already, I don't see how a fifth will bring you anything different. Sorry.

I have 2. I can't really understand why anyone has more than 3! Each to their own. Aren't you satisfied with 4? I feel like the world has too many people already.

This is absolute bollocks!!

"if the new child has any disabilities then that’s it for the rest of your kids in terms of education and future lives.+"

I hope to god you've never expressed this to any friends who's kids have a disability? That their other kids lives are fucked before they even start?

Firstly disability is a catch all, there isn't one fucking rule for all the" normal" children and then one for the rest of them, going around with their disability ruining the lives of the siblings.

Secondly I think I'm too fucking angry to be coherent.

Not every disabled person requires a sibling to care for them after their parents death. Lots of disabled adults live independent, full lives, marry l, have kids and work. How is that taking away their siblings futures?

Even if they do need care, there's no reason it has to be a sibling or that if it is it requires the sibling to sacrifice their entire life

Many of us won't be able to pay for our kids Uni etc regardless whether one or more of them are disabled, or will be able to do so regardless of whether one or more of them are disabled and that includes paying for the disabled child to go to Uni.

Even if we presume "any disability" you meant the severe end, I know families who's kids have conditions like (mosaic) T18, Cerebral Palsy, etc who do all the things they would have done as a family albeit with tweaks.

And that's before we even get onto the value siblings bring to each others life regardless of their abilities, and the value disabled people add to society.

Aagghh!!!!

This is absolute bollocks!!

if the new child has any disabilities then that’s it for the rest of your kids in terms of education and future lives

I hope to god you've never expressed this to any friends who's kids have a disability? That their other kids lives are fucked before they even start?

Firstly disability is a catch all, there isn't one fucking rule for all the" normal" children and then one for the rest of them, going around with their disability ruining the lives of the siblings.

Secondly I think I'm too fucking angry to be coherent.

Not every disabled person requires a sibling to care for them after their parents death. Lots of disabled adults live independent, full lives, marry l, have kids and work. How is that taking away their siblings futures?

Even if they do need care, there's no reason it has to be a sibling or that if it is it requires the sibling to sacrifice their entire life

Many of us won't be able to pay for our kids Uni etc regardless whether one or more of them are disabled, or will be able to do so regardless of whether one or more of them are disabled and that includes paying for the disabled child to go to Uni.

Even if we presume "any disability" you meant the severe end, I know families who's kids have conditions like (mosaic) T18, Cerebral Palsy, etc who do all the things they would have done as a family albeit with tweaks.

And that's before we even get onto the value siblings bring to each others life regardless of their abilities, and the value disabled people add to society.

Aagghh!!!!

@lornmower

is it?? What makes u say that?

I only have 2 but had mine at 38 and 42. Both perfect and healthy. I had three miscarriages in between as they do get more common as you get older but just wanted to hop on to say that you’re definitely not past it physically so don’t let that hold you back.

@Pineapplestropical

I don’t think you’re too old to have a baby op

I guess I just think - why? You’re youngest is now out of the baby years, why not take some time for yourself? Have some you time! Take up a hobby or see your pals or whatever. Put yourself first a bit.

@*LuckySantangelo35
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The people I know who are one of 5 are confident, mature and enjoyed their childhood. But to be honest - the same applies to a lot of only children I've met as well so... there's lots of different family sizes that seem to work

Sorry bold fail

The world is massively over populated. Schools and healthcare is already over stretched. Ask yourself does the world need 5 kids per person?

Silly idea. Your youngest will be fine. They won’t know any difference.

No I wouldn’t I have 5 and my 5 th has special needs, I think broodiness is a curse tbh. I love all my kids but I would never have so many if I had my time over again.

I have raised two children who were not neurotypical. They both add value to the world and have worthwhile lives. It was not easy though and I wasn't doing it in my forties and I didn't have three other children to worry about. I think some concern about special needs is valid in the OP's circumstances.

Mine were 13/9/6 & 3 when we found that number 5 was on the way (failed contraception). DH and I were both 40. The birth was so easy, she was an incredibly easy baby and brought (and continues to bring) so much joy to us all. All five kids are very close and we love having a massive family.

This is naive and very patronising. Children take time and money and unless the OP has an unlimited amount, any new child will take from the current children. The OP is adding another child presumably on the assumption that she can slot time in with this new child alongside the other four.

If a new child has a disability that requires specialist care or numerous interventions, other children have to take less.

OP doesn’t really need another child so she has to weigh up the chances of destabilising the family setup that is currently working.

I wouldn't. Every child is a self-indulgence IMO, and I really can't see there is any unmet need anywhere here.

Your family already sounds lovely and quite large and busy enough.

There would be a similar age gap between 4 and 5 as there is between the 3rd and 4th so the age gap is irrelevant. I wouldn't have a 5th.

I have 6 dc, and entered into it with the expectation of a supportive husband, extended family, local (religious) community, and financial stability. Life hasn't turned out as planned, not at all. (And no longer religious)

My emotional and mental resources are stretched to capacity daily. I sleep, and start over again. They are good children, and the 2 eldest are young adults, but I was naive to the potential difficulties and complexities of a big family until the decision was already made! I think I'll be able to take a proper breath when the older 3 all are off doing their own thing and the youngest is a bit more independent (6yo). I have support from my wife, and the dc visit their father regularly, but it's still a giant responsibility and I don't recommend it to anyone tbh. I am doing my best and love the dc, but in all honesty it is very, very difficult to have a large family as they get older.

Such an honest post @AlongCameBetsy

I would have loved 4, 5 or even more when mine were babies and life was easy/easier. I was
young and more optimistic about life.
It’s when you get older and your kids become more demanding (time wise and mentally draining), teenagers, menopause and your parents becoming elderly and needing care (all happens at the same time). Then I really don’t think it’s a wise idea to have so many children.

I was the eldest of 5 and it wasn't pleasant, I would say learn to appreciate and enjoy the ones you have.

Children also seem to require just as much but more nuanced help from parents as they get to teenage years not less so keep that in mind.

What does any child bring its parents life? What a silly question. How many children do you have?

This is not true. Might be in some families but certainly not in mine. My older children are not and have never been responsible for my younger children (even the teens).