Can't do weekends anymore

[HotWaterBottleAndABook]

Don’t know what’s changed. Well, maybe I do, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I used to work part time. I would work for half of the week, decompress and clean and tidy the house for the latter half. The weekend was spent living (shopping/ going to new places/ walking etc).

Now I work full time (financial necessity). I don’t feel that I have any more money left over. I work flat out all week, then the weekend happens. I don’t want to do anything. I'm tired. I don’t want to tidy or clean. I don’t want to go out. If we go out, the house stays bad. If we get the house nice, we don’t do anything.

We're all tired. The teens have found it harder now that we both work full time (their days are longer). Everyone pulls their weight to an extent, but we all come home tired and want to crash in the evenings.

Life is just 100% or nothing. Everyone is a bit tired and the family doesn’t feel happy anymore. The oldest DC is has so much studying to do. So much homework.

It's like we all know how to work hard, but none of us can remember how to relax and play. I know I could leave the house and not worry so much about tidying and cleaning, but I want to be able to invite people around , but that’s not happening the way it is.

🙁

IME it is partly a case of getting used to it OP. It's difficult now because it's new. Things will get easier. Hang in there!

Do what’s essential in the house until you have time off and can do a thorough clean.

If your children are teenagers they’ll soon be off doing their own thing, enjoy your time with them you can concentrate on the house when they’re out.

How much do you care about the house, and how much do others that live with you care about the house. Just reminiscing about Christmas eve last t year, when it got to Christmas eve, was feeling heavy with stress and workload and we had not not around to any Christmas decorations. I asked others in the house what was important to them. We decided on a tree, but no one cared about whether it was decorated or not. My point is, are you trying to live up to an ideal that society sells us, that houses need to be tidy, food needs to be freshly prepared and ( almost exclusively) women need to be earners, housemaid, cleaners, child entertainers et, or can you learn to enjoy your weekends, lying amongst your family's mess and relax

Just how much housework do you have? Surely with older DC and everyone being out at work/school there can't be that much ... unless you have numerous pets? I never understand on Mumsnet how 'housework' takes up so much time ... maybe my standards are exceptionally low? .

We have 2 rules. One is that the bathroom has to be cleaned at least once a week and the other is that the kitchen has to be wiped down after dinner. Everything else is a bonus!

Seriously though; we had 2 under 2 and I quickly realised I couldn’t live up to my own expectations and enjoy the weekends off as we also work FT, so I just dropped my expectations. And yeah sometimes the floor isn’t looking great but we get to it eventually and nobody has died from germ related disease yet so for us it’s working!

I used to have a lovely home with nice things in it and then I had 3 children in 3 years. I’ll have a lovely home again when they’ve all left. 😀

If you can get a cleaner and that’s an option it’s worth it, but if not have you seen the organised mum method on instagram? Breaks everything down mon-fri and leaves weekends free. Getting an online shop also saves time. I also sometimes divide the weekend up so pick a day to relax/ do activities than the other as a doing day- jobs around house etc.

As others have said you need to decide what your families priorities are and focus on what makes you all happiest- different for everyone.

Employ a cleaner.

The way we manage this is for each of us to clean one room/ area each evening after work. There are rooms that aren’t used much which we only do every 2 weeks. Maybe get the teens to clean one each too? You could then chill on the Saturday and have a nice walk to energise you on the Sunday.

I hear you. I used to be part time with money spare for things like eating out. Now I work full time and all the money has to go on the kids' activities etc. It's still a nice life but there is no spare money and no spare time and we are knackered. We can't even do online shopping anymore so can't run to a cleaner.

I work from home and get things done while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil and over lunch. We have definitely lowered our standards and I make myself keep up with hobbies and read every day which helps. It would probably help if I got more exercise too. Doing nothing definitely makes you more tired than doing a little bit, so try to force yourself to do something small each day.

We're the same. I force myself to zoom around the house on a Friday evening before settling down. I get two loads of washing through, tidy the living areas downstairs and run the vacuum over. This takes max 40min/hour whilst DH cooks dinner and does the dishes. This means that Saturday morning everything feels fresh and tidy and we can enjoy being at home, rather than coming downstairs to a shitfight.

So many people saying get a cleaner when I assume that's not possible given you've had to work full time for financial reasons.
Could you try and split your weekend so you have a jobs and rest day sat and then do something nice on Sunday? Maybe helps if you could do your food shopping or a bit of cleaning one evening so you have less to do on Saturday.

OP i'm not meaning to be dismissive of yours/anyone else's financial situation - realise not everyone can afford a cleaner (and I haven't had one all that long myself) But mine is £45 once/fortnight - which for me is absolutely worth it for the removal of that element of work. I would make a lot of cuts elsewhere in my budget before i let her go :-)
Only saying that as people seem to think they have to have them for 3/4 hours/week whereas i just get mine to do the absolute basics/worst jobs.

Like I said, it may not be affordable but if you think it is, worth a shot on a trial basis maybe?

Can you keep on top of the tidying during the week and then you and DH blitz the cleaning in a couple of hours on a Saturday morning? Maybe DC could do something too (sorry I only have a toddler so don’t know how realistic that is!). I do 30 mins every evening quickly tidying up toys/shoes/paperwork or putting away cleaning laundry. I put laundry on the timer so it finishes either when I get up in the morning or when I get home from work. As it’s tidy, between the two of us we can easily clean everywhere in 2hrs. Admittedly we only have a 2 bed but we have 2 bathrooms.

We’ve also had a huge clear out, we’ve been totally ruthless. It’s made a massive difference to keeping the place tidy, there is loads more space for everything to be put away quickly without having to rearrange cupboards every time. Dusting is quick as we have very little out to have to move.

I literally know nobody in real life that has a cleaner. No family, or friends, or any of the school mums I talk to. I often think the majority of Mumsnet live in an alternate universe.
OP I wish I had some suggestion for you. I have ridiculously high standards when it comes to the home we live in. I clean something every day, even just for half an hour. I also do a load of washing daily to keep on top of it. But I force myself to have one day every weekend (usually a Saturday) where I do nothing. If the weather is crap we play board games, bake, play doh. If it's nice we get out and about. It always leaves me feeling refreshed and ready for Sunday which is spent doing laundry, admin, deep cleaning the main rooms, and usually when the food shop is delivered. Oh and I've stopped ironing clothes unless absolutely necessary.

The thing is, that’s £90 a month when lots of us are struggling just to pay bills, never mind afford any luxuries. I would absolutely love to be able to afford a cleaner, but unfortunately even with two full time workers in the house it just is not affordable for us. I hope one day that’ll change but doesn’t look likely for the foreseeable.

OP since you have older kids have you looks at Gemma Bray’s the organised mum method? (TOMM for short) there’s a lovely supportive Facebook group to motivate you too, as well as free printable a so each person in the home can tick off jobs as they go, with 4 nearly adults you could probably manage to clean only every other day between you all, it’s very do-able!

I felt the same going from part-time to full-time, spent a lot more money on takeaways also as I was so exhausted. A cleaner is a big help but too costly for us. I decided to get rid of a lot of stuff and live a more minimalist lifestyle which I found helpful. I didn’t have to clean so much. Even if the hoovering isn’t done for example, it doesn’t look that bad when there is only essential stuff in the room. I know it isn’t for everyone.

This could be me only I'm a single mum. I worked part time for years and had energy for the weekends and we used to do things - at home or out and about. I went full time about four years ago when youngest started secondary school and it's totally different. I'm exhausted at the weekend. No energy for anything. One day spent decompressing from the week and one for essentials, not always in the same order (shopping, laundry, housework - which is kind of done through the week but not thoroughly).

Like the fridge magnet says, I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday 🤷

Nobody ever says, I wish I had done more household chores !

It's sunny, let's see
Shall I do chores or take myself off into the sunshine

Sunshine every time

Get people who live in your home to do more chores

are you leaving cleaning to the weekend?

i have teens and younger dc and a DH that does no cleaning (yes I know ltb)

Laundry:
everyone brings dirty laundry to washing machine in morning.
I put on 1 washing load every morning, then another in the evening.
dc put laundry out to dry

kitchen gets wiped down once a day

dishwasher gets run in morning and evening.
dc empty and load dishwasher

vaccum gets done downstairs every morning and mop kitchen 4 times a week

loos get cleaned every morning

bathrooms get cleaned once a week at weekend

dusting at weekend
vacuum gets done upstairs at weekend

food shopping gets delivered
bedrooms at weekend

there somthing wrong with your routine, it’s all doable.

I feel in a similar rut and we have a cleaner, online supermarket deliveries & so on.
If your family is like ours, it's not just that you're working more but that your DC have to do work at the weekends which reduces time for fun and having fun as a family is, in my opinion, harder to come by as going to the park for an hour or to play hide & seek in the woods isn't going to cut it. Also, I had a bunch of friends with similar age DC and, when the kids were younger, would often meet up with them and their DC and do something, even if it was just their houses. Now the DC are older, they all have more commitments and, more of an issue, my DC don't really like their DC any more.
I realised that, for a few months, I was just letting weekends happen with no plans and that didn't work for anyone. DC1 seemed to end up doing bits of homework throughout the whole weekend whilst DC2 didn't seem to do anything until he suddenly "remembered" on a Sunday night. I'd let the cleaning, washing etc drag out over the whole weekend so it seemed constant drudgery.
For the last few months, I've planned weekends a bit more. This always factors in the DC's sport commitments and any social things they have and allows time for homework. We now do one family thing each weekend, even if only for a couple of hours. I try and alternate a paid for thing and a free thing like a walk. I've realised the DC moan less if we drive a few miles away as it cuts down the risk of them being seen out on a family walk or whatever! Sometimes they bring a friend. If DC1 thinks she has a homework heavy weekend and DC2 doesn't my and the best time for DC1 to do her's is a Saturday afternoon, then I will encourage DC2 to see a friend then. I've also taken the view that the various domestic tasks which need doing at the weekend are my equivalent of homework and, like DC1 with her homework, I will set aside a couple of hours, get on with it & then it's done. I've also realised that the DC don't need me at home with then constantly. I try & do an exercise class both days or meet a friend for a coffee or walk or something. That way, even if the DC are being grumpy teens, I'll have had an escape. It's by no means perfect but at least I get to a Sunday evening feeling that I've and we've done a few things rather than just let a weekend drift by.

Fully agree with a cleaner on Fridays if there’s any way you can afford it. Ours saved our marriage and no, I’m not exaggerating!

Thanks so much for sharing this as I feel the same way. Then recently someone said to me that people, like herself, who filled their weekends were trying to avoid thinking. Since then, I do my weekends how I want to. The essentials but everything else can wait approach! I try to fit in a chat with a friend or family member and a walk. To some, it sounds boring but I want to stay alive long enough to eventually practically support my own children when they become adults. The people who suggest cleaners...we all would love a cleaner however, the majority of the UK are struggling (hence the group of people created purely letting down tyres of 4x4 s out of anger) and the 'let them eat cake' attitude is creating a lot of resentment. Before someone says we worked hard for our money, I have a PhD, work full time as does my OH and we still cannot afford to buy a house...although saying that, a friend has lost her expected inheritance (she planned to to pay off her huge mortgage) as her mum had to go into a care home at £1K a week! Swings and roundabouts...

It’s a relatively new thing that weekends needed to be full of activities and experiences . Pottering, reading, cooking, shopping, gardening and cleaning are perfectly acceptable ways to spend a weekend. Throw in some time seeing friends or family and it’s fairly packed anyway !

Isn't this just life for most of us though?
I don't know anyone with a cleaner (must move in the wrong circles) but I know plenty of families with both parents working full time!
I have, so far, 16 years experience keeping on top of a household whilst working full time and the most common mistake I see (mostly on here it seems) is leaving almost everything untouched until the weekend.
Myself and my husband (he doesn't get a pass, he lives here too) both get up early for work. The dog is walked, kitchen surfaces are cleaned down, bathroom and WC are cleaned and downstairs is hoovered daily before we go to work.
The kids walk the dog again before we get home.
The evening is then free to do kids hobbies/homework etc and/or any bigger jobs that might crop up now and again.
It takes a degree of organisation but you have teens not toddlers so should easily be doable without a cleaner.