How do be socially satisfied?

[CrunchyPancakes]

About a year ago I posted saying I don't have enough local friends. I was feeling miserable and hopeless about it.

Now I've in two groups of friends and have made another 3 individual friends.

But I still don't feel like I've got enough friends to fill my weekends.

I'm trying to understand is this because I had no idea how many friends people actually have and my expectation was a bit off for how many friends would make me feel socially satisfied. Or is it because people spend most of their time with family and only really see friends maybe once a week? Or do people have a really tight nit set of friends so they only see them every weekend.

Amen. I cannot imagine anything worse than a big group of ‘friends’, with all the simmering jealousy, bitchiness, cliques, etc, that that would entail. Give me one or two true, kind, loving friends, with whom I can share a bottle of wine and chat books, and that’s enough.

The great thing about getting older is that no one shames you anymore for not having loads of friends (or should I say frenemies?).

Regularly I am. I guess I'm finding it tiering to constantly have to contact people to do stuff at the weekend. Maybe this is what my gripe is. I find it tiering to arrange stuff.

For me personally, weekends are my time to decompress and relax - I don't want to fill them up with socialising and being busy all the time. If I did want to socialise, I wouldn't want to do it with someone else's kids either 😬

Most weekends I'll have at least half a day of being just with them. I much rather be with my kids than have childfree time. But I like to also have friends there too. Generally I don't have child free time on Saturday or Sunday day time.

Maybe the issue is you can't entertain yourself without another adult present? I don't think having lots of friends is really going to solve anything because there's always going to be times where nobody is available and then you're back to square one.

I would say wanting to see one adult each day for company and adult chat is perfectly healthy. Needing to fill the entire day with two separate play dates (your ideal Saturday) so it’s never just you and the children is unusual I think. If you’re bored in the park with them can’t you just take a book? Or if it’s Saturday afternoon don’t you have a few jobs todo st home while they play?

You should like you have no interior life at all op. Why is what is within your own head so boring? Why are you not listening to audible, doing your shopping list, praying, using Duolingo, planning a holiday, doing some mindfulness etc when you are not needed by the kids when you are in the park? Could you address this? Most people have a constant stream of stuff going on in their heads

You sound like!

You need to learn to like yourself more. It sounds like it isn't your kdis you find boring, but yourself.

If DH has the kids, it's nice to meet mates but also I can go and watch a movie, get a meal (that doesn't involve the sharing with a 2 yo), just have a coffee. I take a book or music or my phone and message in here. But I'm not bored because ultimately I'm happy in my own company.

I'm sorry, I'm genuinely not trying to be horrid, but your life sounds exhausting, trying to constantly have someone else there to keep you company.

Your kids need down time. They need time to sit and draw and play with toys and run around their garden in their pants.

I’m in my 20s and I do 1 social outing minimum per week with friends, and then a few with colleagues whether that’s a restaurant for lunch or drinks after work. I also see my boyfriend for date nights

specifically with my friends though, I don’t see the exact same friends every week. With some of my friends, we see each other every 6 months or so. I would say a normal frequency is 1-2 times a month, which might include low key things like walks, gym or visiting each other’s houses

Are you happy in your own company?
I think that could be some of your issue.
Can you not sit on a bench and watch DC play in the park for example?
Genuine friends are more important than just being in company to me

@SleepingStandingUp

You need to learn to like yourself more. It sounds like it isn't your kdis you find boring, but yourself.

Yes you're right. I do have better self esteem now though. As in the passed I was so low I couldn't make friends, but I've done that now.

I'm sorry, I'm genuinely not trying to be horrid, but your life sounds exhausting, trying to constantly have someone else there to keep you company.

Yeah I am tired.

Your kids need down time.

I've got into bad habits with being at home and the default being watching TV and the only way I've really tackled that is by getting out more.

@antipodeancanary

You should like you have no interior life at all op. Why is what is within your own head so boring? Why are you not listening to audible, doing your shopping list, praying, using Duolingo, planning a holiday, doing some mindfulness etc when you are not needed by the kids when you are in the park? Could you address this? Most people have a constant stream of stuff going on in their heads

I do have a constant stream...I think that's sort of the problem. I get lost in my head. But when I'm chatting with someone I am present.

When I am not needed with the kids we are talking the few mins in-between running around after them. Remember I have a 2 and 6 year old.

@uncomfortablydumb53

Are you happy in your own company?
Only if I am doing something. And I find it very hard to start things.

Can you not sit on a bench and watch DC play in the park for example?
Not for long no. I'd find it mind numbingly boring.

@JoonT

Amen. I cannot imagine anything worse than a big group of ‘friends’, with all the simmering jealousy, bitchiness, cliques, etc, that that would entail.

I'm sorry you've experienced that. I wouldn't be putting up with that either. But it's not an inevitable thing to happen in a group.

The great thing about getting older is that no one shames you anymore for not having loads of friends (or should I say frenemies?).

I'm not seeing lots of people for how it looks. I don't post on social media. My friends don't really know how many other friends I have.

OK, OP, this isn't 'social satisfaction', this is someone who seemingly has never learned to be alone, and who is over-dependent on other people's company to anchor her. No matter how much interaction with others you have, you can't rely on other people as a crutch to hold off whatever it is you can't handle in solitude. Therapy might help? Otherwise you are continually going to be running around after other people trying to get them to see you because the alternative is solitude, which you can't handle.

I'm also not convinced it's going to generate good friendships, if your main criteria is 'someone else with a pulse to distract me from my own thoughts'. I can't say I'd find that appealing in a potential friend.

OP, I think you can get into a mindset where you just have to be busy/with other people and you end up with tunnel vision, and nothing else will do? On the odd occasion my husband is away at the weekend, my initial reaction is to rush into ‘booking mode’ to ensure my whole weekend is full. Then when said weekend arrives, i hurtle from one arrangement to another, exhausting myself, and not actually enjoying it that much. Maybe I would have preferred a few hours home alone (gasp!) watching repeats of Inspector Morse?

Having a few hours to yourself on a Saturday morning (for example) does not mean you’re a social failure!

@NowThatIThink superb post

@NowThatIThink superb post!

Could you have ADHD?

What you are describing I've never heard before in 15 years on MN!

It's not friends you need it's earbuds/ audiobooks.

I think this would be better framed as post divorce how do I adjust to more alone time and not having an adult with me all the time?

Most mum's with DC's your ages are sat on their own in the park. That's just normal mothering.

Absolutely. I was a bit ‘oh that’s sad I love being with just my kids’ then I saw they’re 2 & 6 and you’ve split with your husband.

I love being with my kids because they’re teens! When they were little I much preferred having adults around - as well as not instead of my children.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4604848-if-youre-socially-satisfied-how-many-friends-do-you-have

Some great advice here, a similar thread

I work part time a dds is a school. In the day I walk dog, clean, do a yoga and a Pilates class, visit my dad. I sometimes volunteer at school and I have a friend I occasionally meet for coffee or a walk (. Like every week or so) evening we watch tv, read, do a crossword or listen to music. At weekends we do longer walks with dog , visit family , play games at home and if we are really bored go soft play or swimming. I only tend to see friends with kids in the holidays. Otherwise if I see friends it's a Friday or Saturday night without kids.

You sound like me, OP.

I wonder if many of the people commenting are introverts.

I like myself, but I get bored on my own. My head just talks crap, so I like to be on social media, read watch TV etc to try to make life more interesting when I am alone.

Your ideal weekend seems perfect to me. My kids are teens now and can be really interesting company as can My husband, but they are all introverts, so weekends for them is generally heads down and get gaming/on screens. Whereas by the weekend I am screaming for something interesting to do.

The thing I like to do most? Have interesting discussions with people about society, politics, religion, philosophy, what's happening in the local area, people and their lives etc. Preferably in a pub, preferably with a small amount of alcohol.

My weekends currently: Saturday: take a kid to park run, followed by cafe with friends from there. Take a kid to swimming lesson and sit in cafe with a different friend. Sunday: church till 1pm, with lots of socialising.
But it still leaves all Friday night, Saturday and Sunday afternoons and evenings with nothing to do. (I have loads of jobs and housework of course, buts just boring)

@NowThatIThink thank you for your reply. I'm trying hard to engage with what you are saying but I do feel hurt.

OK, OP, this isn't 'social satisfaction', this is someone who seemingly has never learned to be alone, and who is over-dependent on other people's company to anchor her.

I hope your tone is better than the way I am reading it.

I'm not sure if this is relevant but my parents moved abroad...15 hours flight away when I was 18 and I don't know if what be I am feeling when I am on my own is due to feeling abandoned or like someone else has mentioned ADHD.

No matter how much interaction with others you have, you can't rely on other people as a crutch to hold off whatever it is you can't handle in solitude. But if it's a Neurodivergent thing maybe that is the healthiest way to deal with it.

if your main criteria is 'someone else with a pulse to distract me from my own thoughts'.

I think that's a bit harsh. I have met many more people than the ones I have made friends with. The ones that have become friends are people who I have clicked with and have stuff in common with. But yes I am driven to see them seemingly more than other people seem to need to see people. But rather than be a needy friend I have made lots of friends so that I am not burdening anyone.

Can't people just have different levels of social appetite? Aren't I just healthily managing my struggle to remain present.

@isittheholidaysyet yep. Thanks.

@autienotnaughty

visit family I'm not sure why that doesn't get counted as social interaction. I don't have family here. So maybe I'm just seeing friends when otherwise people would be seeing family.

@EssexCat

I love being with my kids because they’re teens! When they were little I much preferred having adults around - as well as not instead of my children.

So maybe things will improve as they get older. Thank you