If you're socially satisfied how many friends do you have?

[ChocoButterfly]

I feel like a I have a lot of friends but still not enough to fill my weekends.

I can't work out if it's because I've got more time on my hands than most people due to my husband being so busy with work and his own social life and my parents not being in the country. I have one sibling who lives nearby.

I've got two young boys. When my husband is away I panic if I don't have any plans to see friends and it makes me really resent him for being away. If I have plans I'm not too fused.

I've got four localish friends. And two friends from back home. I also have two colleagues who I've more recently got friendly with. So with that many friends I feel like why doesn't that fill my time up?

Maybe I have a problem with being on my own with my kids?

Of course I've got a DH and family problem but I can't do anything about that.

I

...I don't know whether to work on:

• making more friends,
• being OK without being with friends or,
• try to see more of my current friends.

What is it that worries you about having no plans?

Why do you always have to "fill your time up?" Where do your kids fit in with all this? You don't enjoy relaxing days at home with your children?

Honestly if I really think about it it makes me feel like I must be failing at life. Like it must mean that nobody wants to be around me.

Also I worry that we'll end up doing nothing because I'll struggle with motivation without having a set time to meet someone.

Good question, thank you.

There is definitely no such thing as a relaxing day in with mine. The youngest is 2 and is a live wire. He doesnt keep still.

The kids are happy to be busy. I'm mainly talking about meeting my friends who also have kids. The colleagues that I mentioned I meet for coffee child free.

Not counting chitchat facebook people I haven't seen in person in like 3+ years.
I have 1 friend, realistically.
And I barely see her !!
Except (nearly adult) DC, All my family live many timezones away.
Kids fill my time, hobbies fill my time. House stuff, car stuff, very occasional cleaning, paid work, dossing (like this thread).
Always Stuff to do. I could use an extra 3 days/week to do all the stuff I do (mostly by myself).

I feel like I constantly WANT to do things with others but never have the time!
I have a few local friends (my village) I could meet with and regularly do - 3.
I have a few further away but within 30 min drive - 4
2 best friends an hour away but they are in the same village.
family are all at least 1.5hours to 3 hours away.
weekdays I do a hobby 3 nights and then 1 day at the weekend. I can’t cram everyone into the weekends!

Sounds like you have a very sufficient circle of friends :) I would focus on enjoying spending time with your kids when it’s a quieter weekend as I don’t think making lots of superficial level friends will help. Also people are busy at the weekends I find now kids are in the picture. I have what I would describe as “lots” of friends - around 12 close friends locally, 8 or so more that I could text if I was bored but am not so close with, and then 8 who live further away. I still have weekends where everyone is busy, or plans just don’t match up and have learned to embrace them, and try and live for now, as often find myself burnt out and stressed when we are away travelling/at weddings/parties for chunks at a time - I think it’s human nature to want more of what you don’t have at that moment!

I have 2 best friends, the three of us meet up and hang out every couple of weeks, sometimes with our partners too.

I also have a couple of friends from work that I see every few weeks.

Apart from my partner's friends who I socialise with when he arranges for us to see them, which isn't very often, that's it. And I'm perfectly happy with that, but I'm an introvert so I very much enjoy my own company and just spending time at home!

I have a similar issue. I was bullied at school at think that has made me very conscious of have friends, being busy and conversely believing I'm a horrible person and no body would want to be my friend. I have also been bad at making friends because I lack confidence.

An empty weekend fills me with dread. I look at pictures of girls lunches on Facebook or see groups of people out enjoying themselves and feel jealous and like I'm a failure.

I have moved around a bit and that's a bit if a mare for friendships. I don't have a 'gang' or a group of friends and have always felt so inadequate about that. But I actually do have quite a lot of friends. I find that if you focus on nurturing the friendships you have then you will end up growing your network naturally.

I found kids a great way to make new friends. I'm not confident so I found making friends daunting. But my babies gave me an instant thing to chat to with other parents. My life No is so much fiulker with 4/5 local friends and long term friends a bit further away. As well as making friends I've really nurtured the older friendships- going away with old pals for instance.

However, a dead weekend still scares me. I fast forward to my 90s and being widowed! Cbt helps with these crazy thoughts but o still have them!

Did you feel this way before having kids or do you think that you now need an active social life so you're not missing out on what you did pre-kids and to be valued as a friend and not just a Mum?

I'm the opposite to you and hate having social things booked, my two dd's are 7 and 9 and so don't occupy my evenings like they used to but I love having nothing to do and get quite grumpy if I need to make the effort to leave the house after tea time.

Friends wise I've got one best friend who I've known for over 30 years and she's more like a sister, she comes round most weeks for a few hours in the evening and I've got 3 school Mum friends who I see socially every couple of months and a group of post natal friends who I met up with a couple of times a year.

With any of those meet ups aside from my best friend I often make up excuses about why I can't go when in fact it's because I simply don't want to.

I totally understand the feeling of FOMO or failure with not having plans. I always joke that the best weekends are when you get invited to lots of things but decline them all so you can be alone!

You sound like you have enough friends!

Have you tried making a “plan” for alone time? If I’ve planned a delicious day of gym and reading etc then I’m honestly put out if someone tries to make an alternative plan with me.

Cherish time with yourself too!

I’m an introvert through so need to recharge a lot - but I also constantly plan social events so understand the feelings behind that too.

@SunflowerSmithYes I was like this before I had kids. Now that I have kids I'd say I'm better with having time completely on my own. Probs cos I'm exhausted from my kids!

I'm ok with having alone time in the evening when kids have gone to bed I make sure to plan to have a bath or read a book or watch something and think of it as a treat.

I guess I struggle with being with the kids on my own. I imagine everyone else is mainly with their kids and either with their own parents, their in laws or their partner. And I have a lack of all of those and so I think next best thing is friends.

I think you need to work on being on your own with the kids. It's perfectly normal to be alone with them

@SleepingStandingUp I agree. And actually I think I'm fine actually being on my own with the kids it more how I feel in the run upto it when I look in my diary and feel like I'm a failure. When I'm actually with them having the day out it's mainly fine bar the normal stressful points, like when I'm dealing with the 4th tantrum of the day!