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How do be socially satisfied?

76 replies

CrunchyPancakes · 01/02/2023 22:14

About a year ago I posted saying I don't have enough local friends. I was feeling miserable and hopeless about it.

Now I've in two groups of friends and have made another 3 individual friends.

But I still don't feel like I've got enough friends to fill my weekends.

I'm trying to understand is this because I had no idea how many friends people actually have and my expectation was a bit off for how many friends would make me feel socially satisfied. Or is it because people spend most of their time with family and only really see friends maybe once a week? Or do people have a really tight nit set of friends so they only see them every weekend.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 02/02/2023 13:28

"I need friends to make it bearable while I'm with my kids. I find it so boring otherwise. I can't stay in the house with them as the youngest has too much energy. "

It's not friendships you need. You have bigger issues that need addressing. Are you on your own? How old kids? Youngest too much energy - do you mean ADHD and you are struggling.

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:30

@felulageller

Could you have ADHD?

It's a possibility

I think this would be better framed as post divorce how do I adjust to more alone time and not having an adult with me all the time?

Yeah maybe

Most mum's with DC's your ages are sat on their own in the park. That's just normal mothering.

Is it really?! I find that hard to believe. Why are there so many mums and toddler groups then? Maternity leave is known for being isolating.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 02/02/2023 13:32

Many moons ago, Sat alone on the park bench mn'ing was my favourite bit!

Do you meet friends at park? I met up with my png regularly, so as kids played we chatted. Fab.

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:32

@Oblomov22

It's not friendships you need. You have bigger issues that need addressing. Are you on your own? How old kids? Youngest too much energy - do you mean ADHD and you are struggling.

my husband and I have split up but he still does stuff with the kids and will give me as much childfree time as I want but I don't want to be away from them. I want to be with them and have adult conversation.

I'm pretty sure most people a 2 year need to get out and about.

OP posts:
NowThatIThink · 02/02/2023 13:34

Hurting you wasn't my intention, OP. It's just that you're looking outside yourself for a solution to a problem which is within your own psyche, and that way madness lies longterm, I think. Your need to be around other people so much suggests a desperate desire to escape from your own self, and it sounds to me as if you would benefit from exploring that, in order to figure out what you're trying to get away from/what you're unable to sit with. Hence my suggestion of therapy -- with another person in the room, you're not alone with your thoughts and feelings, but a good therapist will help you find ways to be with the discomfort/fear/loneliness/boredom whatever you experience when alone.

Coffeepot72 · 02/02/2023 13:34

I think this would be better framed as post divorce how do I adjust to more alone time and not having an adult with me all the time?

I wondered about this too? If I'm upset or something is wrong in my life, I tend to panic and need more people around me more often? I take comfort in having extra company.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2023 13:37

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 12:37

@SleepingStandingUp

You need to learn to like yourself more. It sounds like it isn't your kdis you find boring, but yourself.

Yes you're right. I do have better self esteem now though. As in the passed I was so low I couldn't make friends, but I've done that now.

I'm sorry, I'm genuinely not trying to be horrid, but your life sounds exhausting, trying to constantly have someone else there to keep you company.

Yeah I am tired.

Your kids need down time.

I've got into bad habits with being at home and the default being watching TV and the only way I've really tackled that is by getting out more.

But it seems one extreme to the other.

You haven't got to be locked in the house all day, but some down time for them to watch a bit of telly, put music on whilst they play with their toys, either join in or of you're not needed read a book with one eye on them etc.

If your ex said I'll take the kids out all Sat, we'll leave at 10 and be back for 4, and all your friends were busy, what would your feelings be?

Being busy might be one watch the deal with your feelings when it's just you and the kids, but you're trimming the branches back not digging out the roots.

If you and ex split totally, what access will he want? Every other weekend is a lot of time alone for you. The temptation will be to rush into another relationship to avoid it, possibly more kids etc so you're not alone rather than dealing with your feelings.

Quite possibly issues of abandonment due to your parents leaving you at 18, feeling not good enough to keep them around, exacerbated by your relationship break down.

Would you consider therapy?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2023 13:40

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:30

@felulageller

Could you have ADHD?

It's a possibility

I think this would be better framed as post divorce how do I adjust to more alone time and not having an adult with me all the time?

Yeah maybe

Most mum's with DC's your ages are sat on their own in the park. That's just normal mothering.

Is it really?! I find that hard to believe. Why are there so many mums and toddler groups then? Maternity leave is known for being isolating.

I'm on your side with this one op, re "mother's sat alone in the park is part of mothering". Why? Whilst I obv think you need to work on being alone, I don't think we need to make Mom's feel that social isolation is imperative.

TokyoSushi · 02/02/2023 13:50

OP, kindly, this isn't quite right and I'm not sure that you're going to find what you're looking for.

Most people are largely by themselves/with their immediate family at a base level and then their friends are like the icing/sprinkles on top of the cake. My friends are somebody to chat with in the school playground, somebody to go for a run with, somebody to go for a drink/dinner/night out with, somebody to send a funny Whatsapp, or a how's your day going or a OMG you're not going to believe this message to etc etc. But the absolute vast majority of my time I'm at home, with DH or the DC, working, watching TV, going to the supermarket etc etc.

I don't think that you need any more friends. What your post is crying out for and what I think that you really, really need is to become satisfied with that base level, everyday, normal life. Friends will always enhance this, but you have to be happy with the day to day first.

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:55

@TokyoSushi

What your post is crying out for and what I think that you really, really need is to become satisfied with that base level, everyday, normal life. Friends will always enhance this, but you have to be happy with the day to day first.

Yep I agree.

I'm not sure if it's an ND thing, an abandonement thing, or a husband break up thing.

Or all three!! 🤯

I do think it used to be a lack of friend thing too. And making friends was definitely needed but it's not everything.

OP posts:
Ticketybloop · 02/02/2023 13:59

I think a lot of people (myself included) just want to chill with their own kids at the weekend and don’t want to make too many plans because that time is precious. I regularly turn down invites for ’play dates ’ on Saturdays and Sundays because that’s our family time. I also don’t want to deal with other people’s kids in my down time. I would actively avoid someone who I felt was using me to ‘fill their weekend’ because they don’t want to be alone with their kids. Disclaimer: I am an introvert.

Sorry, OP. Maybe you can arrange some fun weekend stuff with your kids that you can enjoy together without other people? I know everyone is different and some people need more social interaction than others, but in this case it might not be a ‘not enough friends’ issue.

Coffeepot72 · 02/02/2023 14:09

I don't think that you need any more friends. What your post is crying out for and what I think that you really, really need is to become satisfied with that base level, everyday, normal life. Friends will always enhance this, but you have to be happy with the day to day first.

What an insightful post @TokyoSushi - I think the OPs split from her husband has undoubtedly unsettled her base level (understandably).

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 14:10

Impossible to chill with a 2 year old. And I honestly think more people are extrovert than are introvert.

Neither is better than the other.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2023 14:57

Op it sounds like you've made friends who are happy to spend their weekends doing stuff you all like to do, so it doesn't really matter if other posters wouldn't want to do that.

But I think it's worth considering what happens when you find yourself alone for a whole weekend when ex has the kids at his place

3WildOnes · 02/02/2023 15:15

I don't think there is anything wrong with you! I think we all have different social needs. One of my children doesn't like to have any play dates after school as he is all people 'd out by then, one likes to have a couple and my other would like to be out seeing friends every day. My husband is happy seeing friends every couple of weeks whereas I like to see friends a few times a week.

3WildOnes · 02/02/2023 15:17

And fwiw I agree that going to the park without friends is mind numbingly dull and I try to avoid it at all cost!

autienotnaughty · 02/02/2023 16:08

CrunchyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:25

@autienotnaughty

visit family I'm not sure why that doesn't get counted as social interaction. I don't have family here. So maybe I'm just seeing friends when otherwise people would be seeing family.

Yeah I agree it is social interaction although I'm not sure I'd choose them given the choice!!

itsabigtree · 02/02/2023 16:18

I understand you OP. I love being with my kids, but it's more fun with another mum as well. Especially when they love your kids.

SkyHippoOnACloud · 02/02/2023 17:15

You'd be my ideal friend OP. I like mainly hanging out, chatting, doing the everyday stuff but I find most people are more about the big event kind of socialising. For my friends they work full time 9-5 and so only have evenings available, weekends is mainly family time, catching up with housework and their chance to relax. I don't work those hours so I'm around days and I find daylight is where my energy is at so especially in winter if I'm not working I want to be snuggled up on the sofa in my pyjamas and an early night. Not by myself all day (which is fine) then getting dressed up to go out of an evening when my energy is waning. It feels back to front. So for me social satisfaction is finding friends who's lifestyle more closely matches my own.

mrscumberbatch11 · 03/02/2023 05:46

"Can you not sit on a bench and watch DC play in the park for example?
Not for long no. I'd find it mind numbingly boring."

@CrunchyPancakes
I can understand that. When mine were those ages I found parks both boring and frustrating. The constant up and down, never getting a minute alone wjth my thoughts, and the constant "mum mum mum mum, look. Look mum look, mum look".

It was often lots easier with another mum and kids there because the kids would entertain each other and need me less, and I also craved the adult conversation.

However, this was often unplanned. We would bump into these other families by accident, either people we knew, kind of knew, or just strangers that we would get chatting to.

It's hard to arrange park play dates because of things like the weather and also the difficulty of reliably getting two young kids somewhere for a set time.

Also, and I know this may be difficult for you due to your situation with your husband, but things like this were generally during the week. Weekends tend to be family time.

I did have one, divorced, friend during this period who would constantly try to arrange stuff at the weekends and to be honest it was exhausting because she didn't seem to understand that the weekends were generally family time.

I think there are a few issues that you have at play here and I can relate to a lot of them .

I also found being at home at those ages hard, and would fall into the tv rut, so would try to take them out. And it was hard taking them out on my own, so I would also have preferred another adult there or another mum and kids.

But it just isn't possible. Particularly at weekends.

Although I do know some single mums who kind of "team up" in this way, for these reasons. Would that be an option?

But I do think your weekend of play date morning, play date afternoon, then child free evening out with friends is way too much. It's exhausting and I echo others that you need to try and find ways to make your company, and that of your children, be enough for you.

Augend23 · 03/02/2023 06:04

So I do understand not wanting to be what I would describe as "alone in my brain" for too long. But I find that not being alone in my brain doesn't have to equal having human company.

Audiobooks (you can usually get a few app with library membership), music (if I need more concentration for the thing I'm doing e.g. cycling), podcasts or even an actual book. They all take up the nagging portion of my brain which otherwise dives down existential rabbit holes in a way which doesn't my improve my life.

You might have tried those methods already but if you haven't I'd recommend it.

I live alone now, and I would say I try to generally arrange one "thing" per weekend day. I do definitely still want and need to see people but that doesn't have to be all the time, but if I start getting too stuck in my own brain then I end up feeling like I need to make more and more plans until eventually I'm just going from one to another which (for me) isn't actually as enjoyable as when I have some down time.

Lovetotravel123 · 03/02/2023 06:07

I think a lot of people don’t have time for friends at weekends because they have kids’ sports and elderly parents to see etc. I rarely have time for friends at weekends. Could it work to try to set up Friday night drinks or similar so that the weekend starts socially and you then feel a bit more satisfied?

Dyslexicwonder · 03/02/2023 06:20

Do you work OP ? Is that work mostly people facing ? I think I would quake a bit ar 48 hours alone with a 2 year old and a 6 year old. But I do find that you get chatting to people at soft play/ swimming/ play ground.

BMrs · 03/02/2023 06:21

I think if you're relying on your friends for weekend company that can be hard if they have families too. I have a good group of friends but we rarely spend weekend days together as this is our family time with kids and DH. My time with my friends is mostly without the kids or during the week, social activities etc.

PandasAreUseless · 03/02/2023 06:47

I think you're either comfortable in your own company, or not OP.
DH recently worked away for 10 days so I was home alone.
I went into the office twice, attended my weekly running club, went to the gym twice and met 2 friends for one hour for a coffee. That was the total extent of my interactions with other people and it was TOTAL bliss! I pottered, cooked, walked the dog, watched TV (and of course worked full time too!)
My favourite person to spend time with....is me!

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