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Original poster

Don’t want DH to share my business with MIL

60 replies

Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 13:35

Me and DH keep clashing over this. His mum is the kind of person that doesn’t stop talking wants to know everything about everyone and will talk to other people about your business too. Last year I found out stuff I assumed I’d said to her one on one had been shared to other members of the family family members I haven’t even met I might add. And they were discussing/gossiping about it.

she wants to know everything for eg what days the kids are with their dad what days and times I work (she writes out DH rota, writes out info of where we go on Holiday the dates hotel etc)

he has grown up with this so he can’t see my point of view at all and thinks it weird that I know don’t want him to talk much about me or the kids (he isn’t their dad)

I have a job interview next week and I saw mil. Yesterday and she says “oh I hear you have a job interview” he knows I don’t want her to know my business yet he thought it was fine to tell her! I haven’t even told my own family about the interview I’d rather wait and see if I get the job first.

my dd is going through mental health problems. At the moment and isn’t at college he hasn’t told her but she found out by questioning my 8 year old while I wasn’t there. Obviously she doesn’t know why she isn’t but she know knows she’s not at college and I know she’s itching to find out why. Now I’m dreading spending time with her in case she asks me and I really don’t think it’s any of her business it’s my daughters (she’s nearly an adult and over sixteen)

I don’t know how to make him see my point of view?

im a private person I don’t think people have a right to know all these details about me and my family and they especially shouldn’t be talking to others about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 14:51

When I bring this up with him he doesn’t get it and argues with me saying well he can’t tell his mum anything then. That he is lying to his mum when she asks how teen dd is. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have a right not to have my information shared. Am I being unreasonable here? We are on the verge of splitting up due to this.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 29/01/2023 14:55

I’d probably just leave for your own sanity, it sounds ingrained in him too and he’s shitting all over your very reasonable boundaries.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 29/01/2023 14:56

My in laws are like this so I started making up fibs.

yes yes I am doing a course in lion taming 👍🏻

Bonheurdupasse · 29/01/2023 14:58

DowntonCrabby · 29/01/2023 14:55

I’d probably just leave for your own sanity, it sounds ingrained in him too and he’s shitting all over your very reasonable boundaries.

I'm afraid I agree with that OP

Aurorabored · 29/01/2023 14:58

It sounds like you’re at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to privacy.

OriginalUsername2 · 29/01/2023 15:03

I think you need to decide if you can put up with this for the rest of your life. If it’s a no, tell DP that. He can respect your privacy and tell his mum that’s what you asked for, or you move on and get your privacy.

I would hate it too. I’m a closed book!

Joyfuljolly · 29/01/2023 15:12

I think it’s fine to demand he can’t tell his mother about anything directly for you Ie the interview , but you cannot demand he can’t tell anything about the children or him personally, as he has a say on this.

Joyfuljolly · 29/01/2023 15:13

Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 14:51

When I bring this up with him he doesn’t get it and argues with me saying well he can’t tell his mum anything then. That he is lying to his mum when she asks how teen dd is. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have a right not to have my information shared. Am I being unreasonable here? We are on the verge of splitting up due to this.

But in this op it’s not your information. It’s your child’s and irs up to the child and him, it is not solely your info.

Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:13

@Joyfuljolly even though they aren’t her grandchildren? And teen dd is almost 18?

OP posts:
Joyfuljolly · 29/01/2023 15:16

Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:13

@Joyfuljolly even though they aren’t her grandchildren? And teen dd is almost 18?

Ah ok sorry I didn’t realise this, he is not the father and doesn’t have a paternal role? Then no. He shouldn’t share

Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:16

She doesn’t want anyone but us to know about her issues

OP posts:
ReamsOfCheese · 29/01/2023 15:17

I know you're married but if he couldn't understand the need for discretion regarding a known gossip, I'd bin for your own sanity.

NewYearNewName2023 · 29/01/2023 15:18

Joyfuljolly · 29/01/2023 15:12

I think it’s fine to demand he can’t tell his mother about anything directly for you Ie the interview , but you cannot demand he can’t tell anything about the children or him personally, as he has a say on this.

Not when he isn't their father.

Tropicaliyes · 29/01/2023 15:18

Im nearly 5 months pregnant and NC with my own family so nobody knows. Before i even got pregnant i told my partner i dont want her mother to know under any circumstances until i am ready (there are good reasons)… The baby would be born and everything before they find out if i can manage but at the end of the day she has had to respect my wishes as i had very valid reasons for having them! To be fair even if i didnt have valid reasons, since its my business and not hers it still has to be respected!

My family will come out of the wood work every so often just to seek information and like a PP said, i lie to them and give them practically noting which leads them to disappear as they have nothing to talk to others about.

I would suggest you have a actual sit down with your partner and explain your boundaries once and for all! Give him a ultimatum and tell him it is not up for dispute. Your personal business is yours to keep and it can be done one of two ways… You can keep EVERYTHING from him since he cant keep things to himself or you will end this relationship right here right now! A relationship is about mutual agreement and understanding and without that there is no substance and no trust. I would explain that you have already spoken to him about this and nothing has changed so this will be the last time of speaking to him and the next time ANYTHING from your personal life gets repeated back to you or you hear he has yet again told her something against your wishes, you refuse to build any bridges with him and its over.

As harsh as it sounds, you sound as if you have had enough of this and are at the end of your tether. Like you said, he doesnt see a issue with what he is doing so it highly unlikely to just stop like you want so from here on out you need to make the rules for your own life and ask him if he wants to be on the inside or the out, but its entirely his choice.

LittleOwl153 · 29/01/2023 15:22

The line I use with my DH (who is an over sharer) and my mother (who just has to know everything and can't keep stuff to herself) is that "DDs medical info is hers to share as she wishes and not anyone else's place to do that for her". I started this with 8yr old DS who needed to know that it wasn't OK to tell all his friends etc. If an 8yr old can understand then adults should manage this.

Your DH needs to understand that your DD is entitled to her privacy and that if he doesn't respect that then he will loose any relationship he has with her... same goes for you.

FictionalCharacter · 29/01/2023 15:27

She writes out her adult son’s work rota?! And YOUR work days?
Your dh has a weird view of what’s normal thanks to her. He might be happy to tell her every detail of his life but he has no right to tell her yours and your daughter’s, especially when she’s a blabbermouth and gossips with other family members. I wouldn’t be able to put up with that. Either he respects my privacy and confidentiality like a normal husband or he goes and lives with his mummy.

2chocolateoranges · 29/01/2023 15:32

My dh is a bit of an over sharer too.

whatever is said to his sibling goes around the family within hours, I have asked him not to speak about me or anything I do (apart from to say I’m fine) to this particular sibling. He has done so and life is much easier.

Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:33

I was beginning to think I was going mad. It’s extremely frustrating that he doesn’t understand or respect my feelings around this. He seems to think it’s open to discussion and he didn’t think talking about a job interview was “deeply personal” I tried to explain it isn’t up to him to judge and it doesn’t matter how personal it is really it’s the fact it’s my business to share no one else’s.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 29/01/2023 15:37

If you don't want to split about this, start sharing her news with everyone, see if she gets how annoying it is when stuff you want kept private is shared with people.

Probably best though to remain on the high ground and simply split due to irreconcilable differences.

Tamarindtree · 29/01/2023 15:41

It’s not so much he might be close to his mum and sharing family life with her but that she then gossips to others. That’s the problem.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2023 15:42

I have exactly the same issue with my DH and his oversharing with his parents, especially his Mum. I hate it. I'm a very private person and I hate that MIL seems to know the minutiae of my life because DH has told her. I have started pulling him up on it and his response was 'but she asks after you so what do you expect me say?'. I really just expect him to say 'Coffee is fine thanks' and move the conversation on. Anything else is not his to tell as far as I'm concerned but he doesn't get it.

I remember when I was getting my Covid jab l, before I even got back to the car I had a text from MIL saying I hope your Covid jab was ok. WTF? Why did he tell her exactly when my appt was. On DH's birthday or Father's Day I had a message from her to say she liked the card I got him. Yes, he had taken a photo of the card I gave him and shared it...why??? And the other week I managed to pull a muscle in my backside which caused a few (I thought) private jokes between us, but no, no, he told his Mum about that too and had her asking me how it was feeling! There are many many more examples but it has got to the point now that it winds me up more and more and I want him to stop.

Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:48

@CoffeeChocolateWine yep exactly this! There no need for this info to be shared it doesn’t even need to be really personal. It’s just the fact that it occurs to him to even tell her and that she thinks she needs to know it!

OP posts:
zurala · 29/01/2023 15:49

Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:33

I was beginning to think I was going mad. It’s extremely frustrating that he doesn’t understand or respect my feelings around this. He seems to think it’s open to discussion and he didn’t think talking about a job interview was “deeply personal” I tried to explain it isn’t up to him to judge and it doesn’t matter how personal it is really it’s the fact it’s my business to share no one else’s.

I would find you exhausting. It's not personal information and she is family!
I couldn't be with someone who didn't want anything at all shared with anyone. He's not allowed to talk about how you're doing at all?? That's just odd IMO.
I'm on Team DH.

Original poster
Mindyourb · 29/01/2023 15:55

My work is personal I hadn’t told anyone but DH about the interview as I wanted to wait and see how it went first! He knows that I don’t want him telling her my business she’s shared it with others previously and even if she hadn’t everyone is entitled to their privacy.

OP posts:
larchforest · 29/01/2023 15:57

At one time this happened to me too, and I had no idea until one day when SIL asked me something and it was clear she knew personal health information about me that I hadn't told her. Turned out that DH had told MIL and MIL had relayed the information to her. I went absolutely apeshit at DH and as far as I know, he's never done it again.

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