Don’t want DH to share my business with MIL

[Mindyourb]

Me and DH keep clashing over this. His mum is the kind of person that doesn’t stop talking wants to know everything about everyone and will talk to other people about your business too. Last year I found out stuff I assumed I’d said to her one on one had been shared to other members of the family family members I haven’t even met I might add. And they were discussing/gossiping about it.

she wants to know everything for eg what days the kids are with their dad what days and times I work (she writes out DH rota, writes out info of where we go on Holiday the dates hotel etc)

he has grown up with this so he can’t see my point of view at all and thinks it weird that I know don’t want him to talk much about me or the kids (he isn’t their dad)

I have a job interview next week and I saw mil. Yesterday and she says “oh I hear you have a job interview” he knows I don’t want her to know my business yet he thought it was fine to tell her! I haven’t even told my own family about the interview I’d rather wait and see if I get the job first.

my dd is going through mental health problems. At the moment and isn’t at college he hasn’t told her but she found out by questioning my 8 year old while I wasn’t there. Obviously she doesn’t know why she isn’t but she know knows she’s not at college and I know she’s itching to find out why. Now I’m dreading spending time with her in case she asks me and I really don’t think it’s any of her business it’s my daughters (she’s nearly an adult and over sixteen)

I don’t know how to make him see my point of view?

im a private person I don’t think people have a right to know all these details about me and my family and they especially shouldn’t be talking to others about it.

Finally! I was beginning to think isn't this just general chat about what is happening in his life and why isn't he allowed to chat to his mum. My uni son wends me his timetable so I can see when is the best time to call for a chat. Isn't having his work rota the same? Maybe the OP will one day feel different and there will be a post saying my DC have cut me out of their lives because their partner doesn't like them chatting with me.

I do agree about private health issues such as the daughter's though

She does sound rather intrusive Mindyourb - perhaps you should confide in her about some fictional ailment of your DH such as piles or erection difficulties and see you he enjoys his health issues being shared with the rest of the family!

@SeasonFinale

My uni son wends me his timetable so I can see when is the best time to call for a chat. Isn't having his work rota the same?

Not really in this case, as your son is choosing to share this information with you. Not the case with the OP.

I think your just different personality types im a massive oversharer and struggle to understand why some people are so secretive. I think if there is something specific you are keeping secret he should respect this but I don't think its fair to expect him not to share stuff about general life. I'd hate to visit a friend or family member for a chat and a catchup and have all the restrictions on what I can and can't say

She literally had a pen and paper and was asking for MY working days, start and finish times! Why? So odd and nosy!
DH wouldn’t care if I shared his private information I don’t think as he’s so used to thinking he needs to tell her everything!

Same here, DH has a mouth like a torn pocket. Annoying.

I do get that he feels awkward now but why should my business and my kids business be discussed with other family members that I don’t even know? they think they have a right to be talking about it. It’s nothing to do with them. She will also share things with other randoms like when we were buying a house she was telling acquaintances about the particulars and certain nuances of the finances we were using etc
I now say the bare minimum to her.

I agree.

I mean, I don't know how long you have been together, and how much your dc are considered 'Grandchildren', but presumably quite a while if you are married.

Tbf "Step-Grandparents" are usually criticised on here for not considering the DiLs dc to be their DGC. This seems to be a "cant' do right for doing wrong" situation.

No, obviously she then shouldn't be sharing information with others, but I do think it pretty normal for DGPs to be concerned about and interested in the lives of DGC. If your dd doesn't want anyone to know anything then that should have been made clear when your dh was speaking to her, after she found out from your younger one.

Yes I ask. I assume her DH chooses to or she asks. Either way he decides he wants to.

I would find that unbearably intrusive for just myself, and I’m afraid I would go apocalyptic if she were trying to find out my MY child’s private information.

One of my DDs (early teens) had severe MH issues a while back, she made it very clear who she did and did not want to know about it. She didn’t want ExH/her Dad to know (he has odd opinions on MH issues) but leaned very heavily on his sister/her Aunt, who, luckily, had no qualms bare faced lying/lying by omission to her brother.

she wants to know everything for eg what days the kids are with their dad what days and times I work (she writes out DH rota, writes out info of where we go on Holiday the dates hotel etc)

I don't think this is strange either.
I've got my adult ds's work rota written out, so I don't call him when he is sleeping mainly, but it is handy if we are trying to arrange a get together. I would think - if there is a regular pattern of the dc not being there, then the same applies - easy to glance at, so any plans together can be made for when they are there. Ditto holidays.

It seems you just have a different idea of what family means from your dh. It doesn't mean he is wrong because you don't see his parents as being part of the family. It means you are different.
It would seem a very odd thing to split up over, if your lives are otherwise good.

I'd send out some red herrings! Let her go off on a tangent thinking you are interested in a new conservatory/visiting Mexico/doing an OU course/taking up netball...

Your dh needs a good talking to, he might not understand why you do t want her to know, but if you ask him not to tell her, then he shouldn't tell her - it really is that simple

I don't think it's strange either. To me, DH's relationship with his mum sounds lovely.

It's weird when you get together with someone whose family operates in a very different way to what you're used to.

But presumably if OP is married, this isn't anything new so surely the subject has come up before now? Weird that it's taken this long to become an issue.

The examples that have been given, I would struggle to get worked up over. When my DF was alive, I'd have told him anything. I tell DM quite a lot too, but if there's anything that I don't want her to know, I just don't say.

Surely you could come up with a compromise that suits you both if the relationship is otherwise good?

So, for example, the precise details of your finances I wouldn't want to be broadcast so could your DH agree to keep that vague/not shared? The rotas etc I can't see the harm in, and could be handy in some circumstances for your MIL to know. I also can't see that you going for a job interview is "deeply personal" - that category would be reserved for very sensitive medical information, and the suchlike.

You'll have to figure out whether this is the hill you want to die on OP. MIL won't be around forever, and I guess the question is how unhappy it makes you, or whether it's something you could just internally roll your eyes over and ignore.

I completely agree with you. This increasingly bizarre idea that people have that "family" means living in each others' pockets and sharing what is very obviously personal information with all and sundry. I would hate it.

Did you not know before you said I Do????

start sharing with your friends and family the minutiae of your partner and his mothers life. I’m fact choose someone who is a big gossip and spend a few weeks telling them everything about your partners life and your MIL’s private business.

if he complains tel him you’re returning the favour.

but I’d leave him. As he sounds like hard work, and rather stupid if he can’t see why he shouldn’t be sharing everything, specifically things you have asked him not to share with his mother.

How you feel is understandable and reasonable and you’re entitled to ask for your DH to keep your secrets - a relationship should be a totally safe and respectful place in that way. M

I wonder also though if there’s some room to let go of control. E.g. it’s not okay for your DH to say ‘@Mindyourb has an interview this week’ if you’ve specifically told him you want to keep it private.
But would it okay for him to say ‘@Mindyourb has an interview this week and she’s been quite busy preparing so I’ve been doing more around the house which has been busy/stressful for me’.

Your stuff and what you’re going through does impact on him, so can you allow him that aspect of sharing with his support network when it’s about him and his experience in it?

Also, what is it that you’re fearing by other people knowing certain things? I just wonder if, with the interview example, are you feeling vulnerable about sharing things that aren’t quite a done deal or where there’s potential for you to ‘fail’? Is there some perfectionism at play, only feeling safe to share with people when you feel acceptable to them?

If you saw interviewing as a learning process, a process of exploration, and that you’re not going to lose face if you don’t get it etc, what’s the harm in letting people in on your experience of that process?

I just wonder if you’re trying to protect yourself in areas where you might have been hurt/shamed/ridiculed in the past. Is that an actual threat now that you’re an adult in this relationship with your MIL? (And if she did respond in a nasty way, are you able to see that that’s her being annoying, nothing to do with you?). Is it possible the need for privacy is a fear hangover from past/childhood relationships?

You are incompatible. He shares everything with his family, you share nothing. Neither is the right or wrong approach.

He’ll feel constantly on edge to not say what would feel natural to him to discuss. You’ll resent “over sharing.”

Interesting. I have an oversharing DB. He told his DC about my boyfriends, divorce, operations, jobs etc. Stuff I hadn't told my young DC. I called him out too late after his DC had told my DC things I was planning to tell them later. "but we share everything with our kids", was the response. I tell him nothing now.

@Littlemountainhum mil Thinks it acceptable to share things with extended family and friends that I do not know. Also it isn’t a fear of failure re the job interview, it’s more that I’m unsure myself if I would take it if offered and I live in a remote place where my employer could find out about this interview if she shared it with others here thus jeopardising my current situation.

for eg I had a colleague i barely knew tell me that her dad had met MIL at a community event and she was very forthcoming with information about DH and I! Again why? this colleague’s dad I do not even know. And not does she it was the first time they met. Why is she sharing all our information?

part of her problem is that she cannot stop talking it is a major issue for her she would happily talk for hours it’s a monologue of details of information she has gathered! Stuff that doesn’t concern the person she is speaking to usually When DH talks to her on the phone he is silent for about 20 mins while she drones on about other people then she asks for more details from him about things.

Overshare some stuff about your DH’s sexual preferences or anything he’s particularly sensitive about and then if he complains tell him she’s family 🙄

My MIL is a bit like this. She’s beyond lovely but I feel she crosses some boundaries on certain things eg having friends of DH and his sister on Facebook

I actually see it as a bit of power play. We don’t rely on her the way SIL does so this appears to be the only “thing” she has over me (I could be well overthinking here 🤣)

so eg I’ll happen to be in a photo someone’s posted on a night out I’m not tagged or anything but she’ll say “oh how’s the hangover?” Next time I see her yet it could be the next week and I’ve no clue what she’s talking about until she says she saw Facebook

And I totally get that if you feel boundaries haven’t been respected, you’ve responded by putting up some very stark ones. It’s a hard situation to unpick