Don’t want DH to share my business with MIL

[Mindyourb]

Me and DH keep clashing over this. His mum is the kind of person that doesn’t stop talking wants to know everything about everyone and will talk to other people about your business too. Last year I found out stuff I assumed I’d said to her one on one had been shared to other members of the family family members I haven’t even met I might add. And they were discussing/gossiping about it.

she wants to know everything for eg what days the kids are with their dad what days and times I work (she writes out DH rota, writes out info of where we go on Holiday the dates hotel etc)

he has grown up with this so he can’t see my point of view at all and thinks it weird that I know don’t want him to talk much about me or the kids (he isn’t their dad)

I have a job interview next week and I saw mil. Yesterday and she says “oh I hear you have a job interview” he knows I don’t want her to know my business yet he thought it was fine to tell her! I haven’t even told my own family about the interview I’d rather wait and see if I get the job first.

my dd is going through mental health problems. At the moment and isn’t at college he hasn’t told her but she found out by questioning my 8 year old while I wasn’t there. Obviously she doesn’t know why she isn’t but she know knows she’s not at college and I know she’s itching to find out why. Now I’m dreading spending time with her in case she asks me and I really don’t think it’s any of her business it’s my daughters (she’s nearly an adult and over sixteen)

I don’t know how to make him see my point of view?

im a private person I don’t think people have a right to know all these details about me and my family and they especially shouldn’t be talking to others about it.

I had this with DH who means well but my mil doesn't mean well at all and in fact uses personal info against me in a sly way iyswim. I went apeshit at DH and threatened to leave. It is now much better but I feel I have to hide stuff from DH and just be generic in case it slips out of his mouth. It's really hard when you're not compatible and can't share anything with your DH. My sister fell out with her friend over bridesmaid stuff and my DH knew about this as it unravelled in my home and what did he do, go tell his mummy. A year or so later, my mil and my mum was at ds's birthday party and my mil goes and asks my mother if my sister is still talking to her friend and mum was like Wtaf. My family barely share anything to my DH which is sad.

Can't believe that people have told you to leave your DH.

Sometimes I'm not sure if posters are being deliberately obtuse, taking the piss or have some malevolent intent in trying to ruin others' marriages.

You can just see this on the divorce papers: "Well, my DH told his mum that I had been to an interview and I thought that he shouldn't have told the nosy old biddy as it's a secret..."

Why? I have DD1 and DD2 and DS's schedule written down. If I want to ask DD1 a question, I check the schedule - "No. She is at work and can't take calls." Or if I am hiring a repairman and want someone here when they come ... "DS has Wednesday off, so I will schedule the visit for then." And all three of them have the third Sunday off, so I will invite the family for lunch.!! Unless you work for Interpol, what is the big secret about your life?

Actually I think it’s a massive deal that you can trust your husband/wife, that they won’t go around spreading your secrets with others, regardless of how inconsequential you personally think these confidences are.

i wouldn’t stay with my husband if I couldn’t talk to him and tell him things because he’d go around telling others despite my asking him not to.

it is a big deal, it’s very disrespectful.

My MIL used to open my letters to him when we first met, didn't get any better. Managed to stop her coming to watch the birth of my first child 😰

yeah fair enough @Mindyourb - sounds like it’s purely your past experience of your DH/MIL driving your boundaries then.

Big conversations about trust, respect, safe space etc needed then?

agree with @frazzledasarock - this is big deal stuff if they can’t both be reasonable about meeting your needs.

Really?

If I was in this situation, I'd make a point of letting husband know I was telling my mum everything about her business then I'd be really confused about why this could possibly be a problem and I'd repeat his shit back to him.

The more mature way to go about that would be to say how would you feel if I....

But experience tells me that doesn't work with some people. They refuse to understand the problem while it's still a hypothetical yet magically get it straight away when they believe it's happening.

My MIL is like this, my DH is private anyway but when she was telling us about his SS’s irregular cycle with graphic details about her blood loss (this is someone I have never met) and I told him she would share any info we have told her in the same way the penny dropped and now he’s even more guarded.

If he can't be trusted to respect yours and your children's privacy, you will just have to stop telling him things.

I’m not fond of people like this. What is the point of spending your whole life sucking up gossip and spreading it around? It shows they’ve got nothing going for themselves.