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Original poster

Is this a rubbish birthday present?

95 replies

Caneverybodyjustcalmdown · 28/01/2023 15:50

A very good friend of mine has a birthday in a few weeks. She’s just had a baby (her first; about a week ago) and it’s just dawned on me that all of the things she usually enjoys will be put on the back burner for a while. In the past I’ve bought her alcohol (she loves trying different flavours of gin and vodka), vouchers for things like afternoon tea, and baking things (recipe books etc) as she really enjoys that. She loves make-up and girly things like that too.
From my experience of having a newborn, I felt like I’d won if I’d had a shower that day, so I doubt she’ll be practicing for GBBO or putting a full face of makeup on. I’ve thought about making her a cake but does that sound a bit rubbish? I want her to have something she can enjoy straight away rather than waiting until she’s ready to leave the baby for a day/night out (for example a voucher for afternoon tea). We usually spend £20-£30 in each other. Any advances on my cake idea? Thank you.

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/01/2023 17:59

stripedsox · 28/01/2023 17:06

Depends how much you are drinking, I think a standard drink is ok but not regular drinking as that would be deterimental to mum and baby.

There’s no evidence to this. For enough alcohol to pass through to be detrimental to baby, she’d have a near fatal blood alcohol level

Theres a bizarre amount of misinformation about alcohol and breastfeeding on this thread.

Anyway… couldn’t she take her baby to the afternoon tea? Mine came to loads of stuff like that with me.

Wheresthecheese · 28/01/2023 18:10

Any alcohol is going to get into breast milk. It’s just common sense. No amount is safe. It’s a toxin.

Robinni · 28/01/2023 18:10

TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/01/2023 17:59

There’s no evidence to this. For enough alcohol to pass through to be detrimental to baby, she’d have a near fatal blood alcohol level

Theres a bizarre amount of misinformation about alcohol and breastfeeding on this thread.

Anyway… couldn’t she take her baby to the afternoon tea? Mine came to loads of stuff like that with me.

Show quote history

@TakeYourFinalPosition
www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding-and-lifestyle/alcohol/

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0890623816301083

NHS guidance and one of many hundreds of journals there… where is your evidence that you’d need to be at “near fatal level” to cause harm to baby??

You’re right there is a bizarre amount of information… hence better to stick to nhs guidelines or refrain if possible. I studied developmental biology so I was concerned about it until baby was older and breastfeeding almost done.

OP, see what’s going on with friends feeding journey and if she’s drinking or not first. I’m sure she’ll really appreciate your thought and effort. 🥰

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Robinni · 28/01/2023 18:13

Ps even then I had no more than a glass of wine in a 24hr period. I stuck rigidly to guidelines!

AnotherSpare · 28/01/2023 18:15

I would love it if a friend made me a cake. Baby or not. It's so personal and thoughtful. Chuck in a packet of tea bags too and that's a perfect gift for me!

Robinni · 28/01/2023 18:15

StrawberryMuffins · 28/01/2023 17:40

Some women cut back a lot on drinking if BF, others don't. Some are delighted to leave the baby for a couple of hours, others don't feel able to. I didn't stop drinking but my drinking habits changed a lot and I went off wine (I think my body craved Bailey's for the calories...)

I think you need to find out which side of the fence your friend your friend is on now and judge it from there. If you're close enough to already know she has given up vodka etc then ignore everyone saying buy it all the same. But I think it needs to be similar value to what you'd usually get and just a cake wouldn't cut it, especially if she is likely to be given one anyway by her partner/family.

Maybe ask her if she would like an "outing" sort of present or not this year. That won't spoil any surprises whether she says yes or no.

Perfect advice 👍

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 28/01/2023 18:16

I'd be delighted with a home made cake.

getreadyy · 28/01/2023 18:21

"Because you don’t drink if you’re breastfeeding, obviously!"

Don't be daft 🤣

Bumblebee412 · 28/01/2023 18:22

Tbh even if she's not drinking right now id get her a nice bottle of flavoured gin to try, possibly one that came out whilst she was pregnant and she's not had a chance to try?

I love this with gin and I swear they brought out so many different new flavours in the 9 months I couldn't drink 😂

Your idea is lovely but i would do that as an add on. I wouldn't want anyone to treat me differently present wise after having a child

TotallyAverage · 28/01/2023 18:27

Maybe a cake for now and a small bottle of gin for when she feels like having it, whether that's now or in 6 months.

I didn't drink for ages after I had my babies because I was shattered, and didn't have a lot of down time. The whole 'hardly have time for a shower' things was absolutely true for me. Still is, to be honest and my youngest is over one! But no, this is MN where you have to run home from the hospital with baby strapped to your back, via Waitrose for the usual shop, anything else is just you being WEAK. Or something

Epicstorm · 28/01/2023 18:29

In lockdown when we were restricted in going out I made my friend a Baileys cheesecake and gave her a bottle of Baileys to go with it. She was delighted. I don’t think a home made cake is a boring present especially along with a bottle of something. You could do a Prosecco cake and a bottle of Prosecco.

MissMaple82 · 28/01/2023 18:41

Hiphopopotamus · 28/01/2023 16:06

Never understood this ‘never had time to shower or catch a breath’ with a newborn mentality that so many have here. Not my experience at all. Just get her a nice regular present like you’ve always done. Certainly don’t assume she never wants to drink or put on makeup again just because she’s had a baby 🙄

Well good for you, but it all depends on the person, the birth, the baby, the support network. Everyone is different. Less of the shaming

MissMaple82 · 28/01/2023 18:43

Wheresthecheese · 28/01/2023 17:09

Because you don’t drink if you’re breastfeeding, obviously!

Show quote history

Alit of mums choose not to drink!

mswales · 28/01/2023 18:49

You can drink alcohol normally when breastfeeding, it's been proven that you need to have a LOT pretty quickly ie ten double vodkas, which would hospitalise you anyway, before it has any discernible effect on breast milk. I'd love a nice gin to make gin and tonic at home while watching a film in the evening with a newborn!
Making a cake is also a great idea though.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 28/01/2023 18:57

I know it’s not my birthday, I know I’m not your friend…….but you’re welcome to bake a cake for me!

Hiphopopotamonster · 28/01/2023 19:02

Robinni · 28/01/2023 16:19

@Hiphopopotamus and @getreadyy
Did either of you breastfeed? Did you have help?

My first Dc would cluster feed from 5pm - 2am with 20-30min breaks at most. Then slept for 4 hours, feed at 6, then he’d sleep another 3-6 hours when I’d either sleep clean or be at baby activities with him. More feed at between 11-12, maybe 2, 4 then back to cluster! It was knackering. Wanted to be held all the time too so I prayed would sit long enough in chair for me to shower/dry hair…

I would def not bother with the alcohol as she won’t be able to drink if bf a newborn.

How about bring the afternoon tea to her? Sambos, cakes and non alcoholic fizz? Make it special 💐

Yep - breastfed my first for two years - currently have a three year old and a 5 week old - breastfeeding the second one too. Lots of cluster feeding and night feeding so yeah, I’m a bit tired but my life hasn’t stopped. Still showering every day, wearing make up every day, going out to lunch and brunch (with baby in tow) I’m still ‘me’.

I get that some people have a difficult time of it and my experience is not universal, but the assumption that every woman is having a terrible time and no longer has a minute to be who she was pre baby is not a healthy narrative and can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

howaboutchocolate · 28/01/2023 19:03

Wheresthecheese · 28/01/2023 18:10

Any alcohol is going to get into breast milk. It’s just common sense. No amount is safe. It’s a toxin.

Did you know orange juice contains alcohol? And that for breastmilk to get as alcoholic as orange juice (about 0.2 to 0.5%), the mothers blood alcohol level would also be 0.2 to 0.5%, which would be enough for her to be in a coma or dead.

Drinking while breastfeeding is totally fine. Drinking while cosleeping isn't though, so best to check if the mum is doing that.

bussteward · 28/01/2023 19:06

We don’t even know if this poor woman breastfeeds or has an easy potato baby or a Velcro one and she’s being booze policed! Get her some codeine and a packet of fags, OP. Bake a contraband whisky miniature into the cake.

NameChangedForThissss · 28/01/2023 19:55

A cake sounds good, I’d also have appreciated a coffee shop voucher.

itsabigtree · 28/01/2023 20:19

I think afternoon tea would be a good gift.

Especially if you go while to baby is still mega young as newborn are often super sleepy. It will also encourage her to get out, which is important!

Robinni · 28/01/2023 20:37

Hiphopopotamonster · 28/01/2023 19:02

Yep - breastfed my first for two years - currently have a three year old and a 5 week old - breastfeeding the second one too. Lots of cluster feeding and night feeding so yeah, I’m a bit tired but my life hasn’t stopped. Still showering every day, wearing make up every day, going out to lunch and brunch (with baby in tow) I’m still ‘me’.

I get that some people have a difficult time of it and my experience is not universal, but the assumption that every woman is having a terrible time and no longer has a minute to be who she was pre baby is not a healthy narrative and can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Show quote history

@Hiphopopotamonster
I think you’ve been incredibly lucky. Everyone I know who has breast fed (90%), have been barely out of the house the first 2-3 months (save for a few Mum and baby classes/coffee here and there through the week). All 30s/40s. The added complication for me was traumatic birth/caesarean and reflux with first so it was definitely not a hands free exercise.

Anyway, I think the important thing for OP is to consider what’s happening with friend (type of birth, is she liable to want the odd tipple or be against) and then judge what sort of a present would be suitable based on what she normally likes 👍

Robinni · 28/01/2023 20:45

Also, yes it is safe to breastfeed provided one drink a day, no more than 14 units per week, and you leave two hours after drink is finished before breast feeding.

Anything other than this is not advised because it has deleterious effects on development.

WhiskersPete · 28/01/2023 22:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

WhiskersPete · 28/01/2023 22:17

Also, yes it is safe to breastfeed provided one drink a day, no more than 14 units per week, and you leave two hours after drink is finished before breast feeding.

Anything other than this is not advised because it has deleterious effects on development.*

This is complete bollocks. Where have you got this from?

SparkyBlue · 28/01/2023 22:37

OP I'd still buy some nice beauty products. Obviously you know the sort of things she normally likes. Sculpted by Amy is a great brand for natural but really good quality make up and one of their palettes or something along those lines would be lovely. If she normally likes cosmetics that wont change. Add in a couple of nice face masks and a miniature bottle of gin and she will be delighted and absolutely bring cake.

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