Do all kids thrive at private schools?

[Lowerend]

DD (5), currently at a state primary in YR has received an offer from a (fairly) academic prep starting at Year 1.

She is bright as in she learns quickly, is curious about the world, her reading is coming along although it's slower than I hoped (checking her eyes soon), she likes maths games. However, she is a bit dreamy. She has a wild imagination, she loves writing and is a bit quirky. She does have lots of friends but ever since she started school she is a bit in her own little world and not too interested in meeting her friends outside school, although she does get invited on playdates.

She does like her current school but I feel she is getting lost among all the noise in the classroom as it's all mainly play based and she finds the children even at quieter times a bit shouty (when they do phonics for instance). I think she has slight sensory issues about noise (and I do too). Hence moving her to a private school with small classes and less behavioural issues.

I'm not sure really how academic she is. I'm from a different country and we start school at 6/7. When I hear people talking about 'academic' children at 4, 5 I'm not quite sure what they mean. Can you really tell that from such a young age?

Also the private prep school told us when we visited the school the first time that if the children are not academic enough they'll struggle and that's going to impact their confidence. Which is fair enough.

My question is now, do all kids thrive at private schools? I can't quite see where DD is compared to other kids really as I think they are all so different and I do worry that she may not be able to cope?! But again, it's too early to assess that.

They usually have smaller classes, more attention given, and one could argue that if they are around parents who value their education the class discipline could be better.

You sound very well balanced OP and seem like you’ve given this a lot of thought. I’d agree it’s too early to tell how academic she is, but a slightly quieter, calmer school may work very well for her. I have 2 DC at private school who are very different children but the school is great at bringing out the best in every child. Be they sporty, boisterous types, or creative, arty types, or academic high flyers - or indeed a combination of everything!

DC’s school let parents know if they feel the school isn’t right for individual children in Y5 and help them find and apply for a more suitable senior school. There is usually lots of movement at the end of Y6, so if it isn’t the right fit, moving her for senior school shouldn’t be too much of an upheaval.

Some do and some don’t. I think that if the school is warning you that less academic children may not do well there then you should listen to that. Do you really want a young child to face that pressure so early?
If you have a good State option I would stick with that for Primary and then review the Secondary options. That’s what we did and our DC slotted into Private Secondary with no issues at all, in fact they actually had advantages over some of their peers who had been there from prep

It totally depends on the school. I went to one where sport and academics were prioritised so anyone arty or musical was not served well.

My kid's school has a brilliant ethos of finding everyone's individual strengths and celebrates them equally. That said, they do work them very hard in the classroom and the small class sizes absolutely make a difference.

What's your state school like? Is her class ok academically? Even in a good school, this is pot luck. There are some classes that have lots of SEN kids and not much money for additional help.
Are the fees a stretch or a drop in the ocean? If they're a stretch, can you spend that money on other things that will benefit her?
And to answer your question, no, not all kids will even use the facilities or benefit from the classes enough to justify the fees. For others, it's incredible and life changing.

No, of course they don’t. One of mine went to a state primary, a private secondary till 16, and then a state comprehensive. She was miserable at private school and felt stupid-she was in the bottom sets for everything. She was also bullied. We only found out after she left. She thrived at the comprehensive, got great A levels and then a first class degree from a top university.

I think it depends on the school. I was privately educated and my school was very exam focused, admittedly 20 years ago but children who had maybe peaked early at 11/12, and were average by year 10 were “managed out” and it was no place for people with SEN. The latter I still hear as being a problem in a lot of the more academic settings.
My school was definitely towards the super posh “public school” end of private education and there were a lot of seriously affluent children there, and admittedly I was much the same and didn’t realise how privileged I was until I went to uni and met normal people. We had a bloody plane, horses etc and were very much “average” at this school.

Looking back I don’t think it was a particularly healthy environment. Most people I went to school with now work in investment banking or corporate law. Make of that what you will, I think it created successful but perhaps not that nice adults

Of course it’s not possible to say that all children thrive in private schools! There is a huge variation in private schools. Each school of any type, state or private, has its own character. It depends entirely on the school and on your child. My children went to private secondary school but they didn’t do well because the school was private. They did well because the school suited them. You have to visit all the possible schools in your area and decide for yourselves which will be best for her. But paying money for education does not automatically make it better. I say this as someone with a PhD in education and a parent with children who went to both state and private schools.

Sorry to hear that Outfor150!

I feel like my DD is getting lost at her current primary. And bullying (although on a small scale) is already starting..I.e. a boy spat at her and called her 'yuk' all day because she was wearing her uniform on a mufty day (totally my fault). There are quite a few behavioural problems in the class and it's generally not a very positive atmosphere.

The prep school is hot on behaviour and the pride themselves in having 'almost no behavioural issues'. DD had a taster day there and came out elated, although I do realise once she starts school she won't be having all that love and attention every single day.

@Lastqueenofscotland2

Exactly the same for comprehensives except they can't be managed out but more often than not very little help inside school.

Thank you. That's what I'm hoping for, that the school will bring out the best in her and we think there is potential.

No not all

Eating disorders, drug problems, mental ill health quite prevalent amongst those I know who went to private school.

Some have good jobs though.

Not all, no. My friend's DS is leaving his private school by choice and finishing his education in the local state high school. He never really thrived at private.

@MajorCarolDanvers

Ah so 💸 doesn't make any immune from life's normal problems then

My 2 DDs thrived in excellent state schools because they are naturally bright, independent and sociable and if they wanted to work, even in a noisy primary environment, they just got their heads down and worked. And if they were bored, they asked for more work and always knew how to get attention from the teachers. My boys struggled more, one because he is very serious, off the scale gifted academically and anxious and he found the girls too mean and the boys too boisterous in the early primary years, but he did do well in the end - although I think he would have been happier in a quiet private school with a huge science & music focus. My other DS who is also very intelligent but laddish (needs to be one of the crowd) just ended up dumbing himself down with the more boisterous boys until they matured and he is doing really well academically anyway.
I think in the long run, as long as the school is decent it usually works itself out. However, certain children may of course be happier in a quieter environment with more attention due to class sizes.
The girls we know who are like my girls and ended up in top private schools would have achieved just the same in any decent state school. Private schools love these kinds of girls and make them do marketing tours constantly, wheel them out as musicians/artists/drama/sports etc, put them into leading positions like head girls. Sometimes they end up doing far too much too early and get taken advantage of. So many of my friends tell me…

Academic age 4/5 - tends to be reading fluently, doing 100 piece puzzles with ease, wide vocabulary & tenses, excellent concentration over and above other kids the same age, very detailed drawings or storytelling, excellent memory, that kind of thing. For some kids, it means incredibly strong drive coupled with outstanding gross motor skills. I can usually spot these kinds of kids having just volunteered in schools for years. Some are really quiet but listen so well and just take it all in and then sit and give it their best quietly (whilst the norm is to run around and be a bit distracted and have a 5-10 minute attention span). So really I think it is memory, focus and drive that is demonstrably stronger than the rest of the kids.

Private schools are a big old waste of money IMO.

Yes sport, yes music, yes overseas trips, yes art, yes languages - but these things are all purchasable separately.

But what you gain on the swings you lose on the roundabouts - your child only gets to mix with the type of families who both want + can afford private school - and that is the problem. It is a small pool of people, so the experience they get is so narrow.

Obviously if you are buying contacts, private school can be a good option - if it is the right one.

@Aleaiactaest thank you, that's very helpful.

Exactly as for state school it depends on the school, the child and their individual circumstances.

Anecdote incoming ...

My brother's children are a similar age to mine and have been privately educated, whereas mine have been state educated.
My observation is that my children have thrived socially (though this might be personality) compared to their private school educated cousins (notably my niece was struggling with being left out at play time at age 8 and was told by the school that they couldn't force the other children to be friends with her).

My brothers' children have potentially done better academically than mine but they are very sneery about less able children at their school (I'm hoping they don't express this to said children's faces).

I think all the children have thrived in different ways.

I went to a private school and got stellar results but struggled emotionally and socially. So I was more interested in getting those things right for my own DC than them getting the best results. I don't think the fact that their school is state rather than private is necessary the reason for this though.

@watchfulwishes

In any school DC gravits like with like

We had a bloody plane, horses etc and were very much “average” at this school.

You had a private jet 20 years ago & that was the norm! Wowsers!

My DD is in reception at a private school, and I teach in a private secondary. Previously taught in state and my mum was a primary teacher in state. My main reason for sending her was I did not want her starting out school in a negative environment, the level of need of the children in school these days far outstrips provision, and behaviour is out of of control in every state school that I or my mum have taught in. I felt scared teaching in state school, and was not willing to risk my DD growing up being scared in school too. The fact your DD has been spat on at 5 is horrifying, and state schools are absolutely powerless in disciplining even the most extreme behaviour as it is so difficult to expel a student. In my experience only students who break the law get expelled (and not always then!)

I agree that not all children will thrive I. Private, but believe the majority will do better than if in state. My DD is on the quiet side, can be a bit shy, but is thoroughly involved in school, has lots of friends and does several clubs. Hard to tell how academic she is but she loves maths and phonics, and learning in general. I can imagine her being annoyed if lessons were being disrupted constantly!

I would take the place your DD has been offered, as it sounds like she would like the smaller class size, especially as she liked her taster day. Someone else said she may feel different when all the attention isn't on her, but from my experience so far my DD still gets a lot of attention and teacher input everyday, as do all the class. From my experience the smaller class size is so valuable, I know all the children I teach so much more and can give more time to each.

Any private schools who say they have very little behaviour problems are either

a) lying
b) completely unaware of what goes on in their school
c) have a really poor attitude to any child with SEND needs of any description and will readily and (usually illegally) permanently exclude children.

Or at least this was my experience.

A small pond is a small pond.

As far as I'm aware they don't offer a place to everyone. So perhaps not taking on kids who are potentially disruptive?