Do all kids thrive at private schools?

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DD (5), currently at a state primary in YR has received an offer from a (fairly) academic prep starting at Year 1.

She is bright as in she learns quickly, is curious about the world, her reading is coming along although it's slower than I hoped (checking her eyes soon), she likes maths games. However, she is a bit dreamy. She has a wild imagination, she loves writing and is a bit quirky. She does have lots of friends but ever since she started school she is a bit in her own little world and not too interested in meeting her friends outside school, although she does get invited on playdates.

She does like her current school but I feel she is getting lost among all the noise in the classroom as it's all mainly play based and she finds the children even at quieter times a bit shouty (when they do phonics for instance). I think she has slight sensory issues about noise (and I do too). Hence moving her to a private school with small classes and less behavioural issues.

I'm not sure really how academic she is. I'm from a different country and we start school at 6/7. When I hear people talking about 'academic' children at 4, 5 I'm not quite sure what they mean. Can you really tell that from such a young age?

Also the private prep school told us when we visited the school the first time that if the children are not academic enough they'll struggle and that's going to impact their confidence. Which is fair enough.

My question is now, do all kids thrive at private schools? I can't quite see where DD is compared to other kids really as I think they are all so different and I do worry that she may not be able to cope?! But again, it's too early to assess that.

@quickbathroombreak Thank you. You literally echoed everything I felt before considering a private school.

We were state, then moved to private year 4 due to bullying, disruption and the school not doing anything about it. Our child has thrived in the small, nurturing and creative environment. That doesn’t mean that all children will though, the school we chose has suited our child down to the ground so I think it’s about the school culture more than state or private. That being said, if there is an issue of any kind at school in private you can do something about it and engage with the teachers and school to resolve. At state, we weren’t even allowed to talk to the Head (having followed discipline procedure to that point) until our child have been physically attacked multiple times.

That sounds horrendous @EweCee, Sorry to hear that and I'm glad you DC has thrived in a different school.

It sounds like your daughter might thrive at the right private... but possibly not the one you mention if it is stressing the academic at such an early age. Is this the only choice?

I don't think they stretch them too much at this age from what I could see. I believe they ramp things up in Y3. It's a fairly academic school but not really a hot house, I don't think.

I wouldn't worry about the academics of this school, if she's had a trial and they're happy to offer a space than she'll be fine. They're very good at spotting kids who will struggle or are over tutored. A couple will fall through the net but this is an exception rather than norm. My only concern would be, where has this space come from. Good, selective private schools are usually quite oversubscribed.

Good luck, it's a scary decision given the financial climate at the moment, but has been so worth it for us. She is so happy, and it's nice not having to worry about what's happening, and trust the school to deal with any problems. Of course behaviour isn't perfect all the time, but I'm confident it is dealt with more effectively.

Also the number of children from extremely privileged families (horses and private planes etc mentioned up thread) are the minority. Most parents I have met, through my DDs class or students I teach, are small business owners, skilled professionals (including teachers, doctors, nurses, chefs) or in management type roles.

They did have quite a few spaces in Reception but not many higher up. I believe a lot of parents, just like myself, start with state then move to a private school later on. I was in fact considering moving her to this school in Year 3.

I think, at 5, what would worry me most about a private school would be the social side. Will your DD feel she fits in with the others; will you feel you fit in with the other parents? It's inevitable private schools tend to be more homogenous than many state schools. A friend of mine has her 5 year old DD at a private school (for logistical reasons, basically), and she's been quite upset at feeling she stands out because the other parents tend to be very wealthy married couples whereas she's a well-to-do but not stratospherically wealthy single mum. It is tricky.

A PP mentioned pupils with special needs as a potential negative in a classroom, and I disagree. I think it's good and healthy for children to learn alongside a wide variety of peers if possible. She's more likely to miss out on this at private school.

I hated it. I was very bright (my state school was struggling because I was tearing ahead) and did like the quieter learning environment but found the girls very bitchy and materialistic (my parents were wealthy, but I just wasn't interested in the crap about who had a bigger swimming pool /yacht etc) I was much happier once I switched to a very well run state school that knew how to support very bright children.

My brother liked his private school but a subset of the children there were heavily into drugs in a way that I never encountered at my state school

I'd say it very much will vary from school to school across both sectors

Any school, private or state, will not fit every child. There will always be a few children who will find a school just doesn’t work for them. It could be teaching style, culture, personality clash or other children in their class.

My ds didn't. We loved the setting, emphasis on outdoor space and so on, but if a child didn't fit into exactly how they were supposed to be it wasn't good. We moved him at the end of year 4 and then he absolutely flew in state.

The best is to try and match school to dc

A private school that is for highly academic dc who do lots of extra stuff to high level might be really wrong for a dc

I say this as parent of dc who are quite different in personality. One has done very well in non pushy outstanding comp and other in academically selective

Both thriving but very lucky with getting best schools for them

I went to private schools and there were vanishingly little behaviour issues at any of them. SEN doesn’t necessarily mean disruptive, in my junior school there were plenty of SEN kids who found mainstream schools too big and loud but weren’t severely affected enough to need a dedicated SEN school. (Which existed in the state system back in the day before they were disbanded by Ruth Kelly who then sent her SEN son to a private school).

If your DD enjoyed her taster day I’d go with it. Of course no one can tell really how academic a child is at 5 - they can only gauge concentration, interests, language ability etc. But if it turns out to be too academic you can always move her to a less academic school.

My 10yr old DD did Year R in state then we moved country so she did Yrs 1,2,3 in a private English language school with around 15 in her class. All of the families were very affluent and lovely and welcoming and she had a fab experience and made some great friends.

We moved back to the UK and she did year 4 in a state primary which went well, she made lots of friends but struggled with being heard in class and although she's pretty confident she stopped telling the teacher when she didn't understand something and just bumbled along at the bottom of the class.

We moved her to an independent prep in January and it's been an absolute revelation. She adores it and much prefers the smaller class size, lots of sports and activities. The school we chose very much focuses on finding each child's skill or interests and highlights that it's not an academic hothouse though.

in answer to your question though, the ones I’ve known definitely have thrived but I’m not sure EVERY child would. Is this particular school the only other choice for your DD?

I went to private school and it was a hotbed of academic over-achievement and serious mental illness.

I did know one for whom it was a terrible experience. He had gained a sports scholarship but was from quite a poor, disadvantaged background. He was ostracised a lot of the time, never quite fitted in and subsequently didn’t thrive for that reason. He moved to the local state in year 10 and was much happier and he got good grades too.

From my experience OP. My 3 DC's have thrived at private school. They are in small classes, school is very hot on bullying and every child works at their own ability.
My oldest needs full time dyslexic support. She isn't especially academic but is brilliant in sports, Arts and catering. She is in the netball, hockey, swimming team plus plays girls football. Her confidence has grown and she feels she is good at something. (In her words).
With her dyslexia, she stuggles with English and Math. Especially spelling/reading but the school have things in place that has helped so much.
It is a lovely school and my DC's are very happy.

@Ihavehairlikeworzelgummidge
What is catering? Is that a typo?

We moved back to the UK and she did year 4 in a state primary which went well, she made lots of friends but struggled with being heard in class and although she's pretty confident she stopped telling the teacher when she didn't understand something and just bumbled along at the bottom of the class.

@OlafLovesAnna That sounds like DD. She started school very confidently, made a few friends, used to put her hand up etc...then she became more and more quiet, doesn't put her hand up, she tells me she is never heard by the teachers and kind of gave up among all the noise and disruption in the class. She doesn't seem to engage much, although she seems to learn whatever they are taught. Her confidence has definitely dipped since she started school. I don't think it's a bad school but doesn't seem to suit DD.

So happy to hear that @Ihavehairlikeworzelgummidge

I did worry about the other families being much wealthier but to be honest, after going to the school a few times, at drop off and pick up (when visiting and taking DD for her taster day), I saw people of all backgrounds. It didn't strike me as overly wealthy. Plus some parents just choose to stay in the car in the school grounds and the child is brought to the car (they've implemented this in the lockdown), same at drop off, child is taken from the car and the parents just drive off, there seems to be very interaction which quite honestly suits me.

DD has already got quite a few friends since she was at nursery, all from different backgrounds and we will be keeping in touch with some kids from her current school. I'm not too worried about her social life.

I meant very little interaction with other parents

I meant very little interaction with other parents